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Lost soul searching...

What can I say... I spent the last 45 minutes writing a detailed outline on why I am here and when I submitted it, all of it was lost. Here we go again...

I am new on this site and am looking forward to expanding my spirituality. As my introduction details, my life continues with the same results. It is as if I am running a vicious circle only to find myself at the begining and not making any progress in my development in life and really feel I am digressing if anything.

Life has been very dark for me lately and I have hit an emotional bottom. I keep thinking that it can't get any worse only to find another disappointment in the mail, failures at work and am in a relationship that is going nowhere other than a downward spiral.

I now have a deep inner void and I know it is due to me loosing my connection with my faith. I am also finding myself to be less forgiving, easily angered, doubtful and hopeless. This is not who I really am and really need the Lord now. This time I want it to stick. I am terrible in that when all is good I neglect my worship and it isn't until things turn real bad that I turn to the Lord. Things are turning bad but am not able to establish a connection. My soul feels dead right now.

I am searching to be touched by the Holy Spirit. I was raised Catholic but have not been very active my adult life (20+ yrs). I've searched other denominations with no success and continued disappointment. I read the bible (a learning one) from time to time but am still not feeling the enlightment other Christians profess. It has been discouraging in that there have been very few times that I felt "somewhat" touched by our Lord.

I have to admit that I am turned off a bit by "organized" Christian denominations. The idealism I struggle with is that I must follow a man-made doctrine to become a member and be "accepted" in Gods kingdom. I hope I am not offending anyone and appologize in advance if I have. I'm not opposed to anyone's denomination at all. I have just found that "orginized" Christian denominations aren't right for me. Christianity is a wonderful thing and feel I am better suited to have a 1:1 relationship with the Lord.

The times that I have come closest to being touched is in my own readings of the bible and prayer. What I would like is to find a group of non-denomination folks to read the bible with and learn how to consistantly live "The Way". It has been challenging since I live in a relatively small community geographically distanced by larger metropolitan areas in which I would have more success.

Are there any Christians out there who have succeeded in a 1:1 relationship with the lord? If so, do you participate in group bible sessions? I really feel that is what I am lacking. A mentor of sorts to help guide me to consistantly live a good Christian life.

Any insight from anyone will be greatly appreciated.


If your heart is sincere and you shall know that the Holy Spirit has covered your entire body. I was a sinner my entire life, and to some point continue to sin, I feel that in my acceptance of Christ Jesus as my personal savior that my soul and life has b een saved and if a sinner like me is saved, anyone can be saved by the love of Jesus Christ. It tells us in the Bible that a Christian will struggle continually, tempeted always, however let your devbotion and faith stay strong, and not leap all at once, but do I as you feel it the need to do, always praying and praising sweet Jesus. I am a prisoner of the Lord Christ.
One of the items I neglected in my long winded post was the major problem I am encountering is allowing myself to be loved by Christ or anyone for that matter. I saw an episode on "It is Written" on this very topic. This is what triggered me to do more searching on this. I am having a hard time letting anyone close to me including Christ and I don't know why. I don't question my faith or the concept of Christianity and I pray and read the bible. I just can't seem to allow the Holy Spirit into my life and am trying to determine what to do so that I can. I feel if I can accomplish this I can begin to allow to let others inside. Any suggestions?
Peace be unto you

The Petition of Forgiveness


The One who Cries in the Wilderness

A petition, for all who are sacrificed, for the sins of men.

Rejoice, for as the Son, they too shall rise.

Father, It troubles me deeply to see the condition of mankind.

To see such hatred and carnage wounds me to my heart.

The conceivability of it all stuns me.

Children starving and abandoned is as a nail in my hand.

The pain, I cannot bear. How is it allowed to go on?

Though I have eyes I cannot see.

Why am I so blind?

I look out upon the horizon and only see the forces of evil.

The light flees from my eyes. I open my mind and say to myself, can I, already be dead? And, is what I’m waiting for, to be born again?

I have believed in this world since I entered it.

It is all I’ve been taught.

Oh, forgive me for I know not what I do.

How did I think that death, immorality, greed, hunger, disease and ego could be in any of your creations?

I’ am deceived.

For you, are not of this world.

I have been bound and locked in prison.

My gifts have been left behind in a different time.

I have lost my spirit.

The things in this world are as distant memories, that eventually fade away, never to return.

But thou, are forever. I lament in my own imperfection.

And rightfully so, for I have not been planted in the good soil, but was cast from it, as in the Alpha.

I have spent a lifetime trying to make a perfect world out of imperfect thoughts.

The harder I try, and think I’m right, the more imperfect I get.

Why can’t I change? I, am in a desperate state, Oh Lord hear my petition.

Take the evil from my eyes and my soul.

Lift me up like an infant, feed and nourish me, bring me back to your world.

For I, am so lonely without you. I need your love to surround and protect me.

To open my eyes, that I, may see the truth.

That I, may be a fountain in an otherwise barren world.

A beacon of light, in the midst of darkness.

That I , may be your vessel to speak, and fill their hearts with truth, to touch, and take away their infirmities , to look, and see them with compassion.

These are the powers of life, the powers that overcome death.

Please grant me the wisdom and knowledge to use them.

To give my possessions freely for I own nothing in this world.

For they bind me to this realm.

For my soul cries out, my spirit fades with every tear.

Forgive me, nourish my Spirit, and help me to understand the ways of Life.

Thank You Wilderness

For the wonderful prayer. I think it describes where I am in life and where I shall grow. Thank you for sharing such wonderful thoughts about our Lord.:thumbs_up
Great poem, Wilderness!


I know exactly how you feel. I'm also discouraged by organized religions, and avoid them because I don't see or hear from God in those places. God is a personal experience and one should seek him first from within. Then perhaps if you wish to venture out to some Church, (denominations don't matter) then all the power to you.

Peace, and Good will to you.
DBoss, You brought up an interesting piont about needing a mentor, that is so important. We need the help of a mentor who knows the Word as it is Written and can support you when you need it. I would encourage you to find a mentor that you can be totally honest with.
As for organized religion, personally I'm not into the rituals of religion. I think the purpose of attending a Church is for fellowship with believers and also for teaching. I love learing, I won't turn away from it so I go into Church asking God to teaching about Him or His Kingdom. There are Godly Pastor's that are there to teach the flock. On our own we can turn the Word of God around to suit ourselves and justify our behaviours but we need teaching from a Godly Pastor that God has placed in the Church. I hear so many Christians that will say they can do it on there own but we need support. Find a good Church, look around, see were you fit in. Denomination is not important, Baptist, Methodist, Reform, Alliance etc. there are many to choose from.
God Bless.