- Joined
- Feb 9, 2004
- Messages
- 17,074
I Believe:
Katy
Minnesota
Hi. It's Katy. I'm writing to share about my faith. I am now a senior in high school, and I am beginning my journey of re-devoting my life to God. A while ago I wrote about my faith for a confirmation class. I just read that story again for the first time in almost a year. This is part of what I wrote:
"When some of my friends ask why I go to church four times a week, go on all the retreats and then lead all the middle school events that I can, I just say to them, 'I do all of that because I love it, because God is great and He loves everyone and He is calling me to work for him. Doing all of this makes me the happiest I have ever been and because it is always the thing that will make my day, week or month go great!'
But things have changed a lot since then. In March of 2002 I started dating this guy. He and his friends are immersed in the drug and alcohol scene. At first this was not an issue for me because I had always said I was never going to drink or smoke pot. But this was also the time of year I was diagnosed with depression and was failing to see the joy of God's love. Eventually I tried smoking and drinking, and by May I was doing both regularly.
This also was when I began to cut myself. I never drew blood but always caused pain. Once, while extremely trashed from drinking all night, I found it was easier to cause pain with hot metal. Not one of my friends or family knew what I was doing. My boyfriend and a few other peers knew about the drinking and smoking.
In July I went on a mission trip to Peru with my church. I ended up being the only teen on the trip. It was amazing, exciting and heart-wrenching all at the same time. I was surrounded by Christians all feeling and praising God while I sat there and couldn't get past my pain. I was blinded and confused about why God hadn't let me feel Him lately.
Finally on one of the last nights, I asked Tony, my youth pastor, if I could talk with him. Thankfully, I lost it and told him everything and could not stop bawling. I told him about smoking and drinking and cutting. I told him that earlier that night I had used my nail clippers to try and do more damage.
I could not understand why people wanted to be near me, why people like him let me baby-sit their kids. I had not let myself see any good in myself for a long time. Tony gave me a hug and told me to listen. He said, "I love you, you may not see why because you are too close to yourself. But I see you, and I love you." And I knew it was true.
From there I broke down to my friend Kara, whose children I also baby-sit. She has been a lifesaver and supporter ever since. Every word from both of these people's mouths is genuine and loving. They are words that are allowing me to see God's love again.
Now I am taking a step back and looking at the past six months of my life. What was I thinking? Sometimes I feel like those thoughts were crazy ... I mean, at one point I actually thought a nail clipper would do some damage. Well, it did, but not the damage I thought. It broke me mentally and emotionally but certainly not physically.
Not that everything is fine and dandy, but I have come a long way. I have also had a hellish couple of months, though. In addition to everything, I've had to deal with my parents finding out, guilt, breaking up with that boyfriend, as well as resisting temptations. I have slipped a couple times, but I have not fallen. Also, getting back in touch with God has been just as difficult. I sometimes have to make myself pray or sing at church even if I don't "feel it" because if I don't participate I know I have a greater risk of falling again.
As Kara and Tony have reminded me in these following months, "I am strong. But God can make me stronger." And He has, more than I'll ever know.
Katy
Minnesota
Hi. It's Katy. I'm writing to share about my faith. I am now a senior in high school, and I am beginning my journey of re-devoting my life to God. A while ago I wrote about my faith for a confirmation class. I just read that story again for the first time in almost a year. This is part of what I wrote:
"When some of my friends ask why I go to church four times a week, go on all the retreats and then lead all the middle school events that I can, I just say to them, 'I do all of that because I love it, because God is great and He loves everyone and He is calling me to work for him. Doing all of this makes me the happiest I have ever been and because it is always the thing that will make my day, week or month go great!'
But things have changed a lot since then. In March of 2002 I started dating this guy. He and his friends are immersed in the drug and alcohol scene. At first this was not an issue for me because I had always said I was never going to drink or smoke pot. But this was also the time of year I was diagnosed with depression and was failing to see the joy of God's love. Eventually I tried smoking and drinking, and by May I was doing both regularly.
This also was when I began to cut myself. I never drew blood but always caused pain. Once, while extremely trashed from drinking all night, I found it was easier to cause pain with hot metal. Not one of my friends or family knew what I was doing. My boyfriend and a few other peers knew about the drinking and smoking.
In July I went on a mission trip to Peru with my church. I ended up being the only teen on the trip. It was amazing, exciting and heart-wrenching all at the same time. I was surrounded by Christians all feeling and praising God while I sat there and couldn't get past my pain. I was blinded and confused about why God hadn't let me feel Him lately.
Finally on one of the last nights, I asked Tony, my youth pastor, if I could talk with him. Thankfully, I lost it and told him everything and could not stop bawling. I told him about smoking and drinking and cutting. I told him that earlier that night I had used my nail clippers to try and do more damage.
I could not understand why people wanted to be near me, why people like him let me baby-sit their kids. I had not let myself see any good in myself for a long time. Tony gave me a hug and told me to listen. He said, "I love you, you may not see why because you are too close to yourself. But I see you, and I love you." And I knew it was true.
From there I broke down to my friend Kara, whose children I also baby-sit. She has been a lifesaver and supporter ever since. Every word from both of these people's mouths is genuine and loving. They are words that are allowing me to see God's love again.
Now I am taking a step back and looking at the past six months of my life. What was I thinking? Sometimes I feel like those thoughts were crazy ... I mean, at one point I actually thought a nail clipper would do some damage. Well, it did, but not the damage I thought. It broke me mentally and emotionally but certainly not physically.
Not that everything is fine and dandy, but I have come a long way. I have also had a hellish couple of months, though. In addition to everything, I've had to deal with my parents finding out, guilt, breaking up with that boyfriend, as well as resisting temptations. I have slipped a couple times, but I have not fallen. Also, getting back in touch with God has been just as difficult. I sometimes have to make myself pray or sing at church even if I don't "feel it" because if I don't participate I know I have a greater risk of falling again.
As Kara and Tony have reminded me in these following months, "I am strong. But God can make me stronger." And He has, more than I'll ever know.
