A puppet show I wrote and performed from the '70s to the '90s.
JONAH'S FISH STORY
Our story today starts in Gath-Hepher, just a small village in Israel. We look into the house of a man by the name of Amittai. However, we won’t have anything to do with Amittai himself.
Amittai didn’t like that. “Humph. Then I won’t have anything to do with you, either, you snooty narrator!”
I just meant that the story had to do with your son, Jonah. Anyway, upstairs in his room, Jonah son of Amittai was praying to God.
“Oh most wonderful God, I thank You for Your goodness to me and to Your people, Israel. Lord, I want to tell You that if You ever want to use me in any way, no matter what it is, I'm ready for it. Just call on me any time You want me.
God heard him and decided to grant his request. “Jonah.”
Jonah heard the voice of God, and came to a wrong conclusion. “Huh? Hmm. I guess somebody is at the door. I'll go take a look. That's funny, nobody's there. Now then. Where was I? Oh, yeah. As I was saying, Lord, you can call on me any time You want me, any time at all. I'm always ready to be used by You. Since there is so much evil in the world, I'm sure You can use a humble servant like me to…”
“Jonah!”
“Oh my! There it is again. Who is that yelling my name when I'm trying to talk to God?”
“It is I, Jonah. Yahweh, the God of Abraham, and of Isaac, and of Jacob.”
“Oops!”
“Listen to Me, Jonah. I have a Mission for you.”
“You do? Oh, boy! Where to? Asia? Africa? Cleveland?”
“No. You are to go to Nineveh.”
“Nineveh? Nineveh! Why there? That's where our enemies live!”
“You are to go there, and you are to tell them this: I am getting sick and tired of all the nasty things they are always up to. Tell them that in forty days, I will destroy them and their city.”
“You will? Hot dog! Those rotten guys are always spoiling everything for us, stealing everything that isn't nailed down, and even some things that are! The world will be better off without them! Uh God, are you still there? Guess He left. I was going to ask Him why He wants me to warn them? I mean, if he wants to destroy them, why not just do it? Why warn them? Oh, oh. I just thought of something. If I warn them, then maybe they will stop doing evil and start praying to God, asking Him to have mercy on them. And, if I know God, the minute those bums start repenting and being sorry for their sins, He's going to start feeling sorry for them, forgive them, and let them go. Those guys are too rotten to forgive, if you ask me! If we let them go this time, then they will probably be twice as rotten next time to us poor children of Israel. Say, if I don't tell them what God said, then they won't repent. Then God will destroy them all, and we Israelites will be safe! Yeah! That's just what I'll do! Ya-ha-ha-ha!”
But then Jonah thought that maybe God might not understand just what Jonah was up to. In fact, He would probably get angry at Jonah and destroy Jonah instead! So Jonah decided to run away, to where God couldn't find him. He went to Joppa, to see if he could find a ship to sail away on. At the dock he was looking around, when he heard the captain of a ship singing.
My Bonnie lies over the ocean,
My Bonnie lies over the sea,
My Bonnie lies all over the place,
She just keeps on lying to me!
“Yeah, that girl just won't tell the truth for anything. That's why her mother used to call her Lilac, because she can Lilac anything! Why just the other day she says to me…”
“Yoo hoo! Captain Bottled!”
“No, that wasn't it. She never calls me captain. Always calls me Sailor Boy.”
“Good morning, Captain. That's a nice ship you have. Where is it going?”
“Oh, we're sailing for the city of Tarshish.”
“Tarshish? Is that far away?”
“Is it far away? My boy, you can't go any farther without falling off the edge of the world! There just isn't anywhere farther than Tarshish.”
“Really? Then that must be far enough away that God will never find me!”
“Say what?”
“I say, uh, do you have room for another passenger?”
‘Sure. Hop aboard. We are leaving right now.”
And so the ship set sail and left Israel. For the first few days, Jonah had a lovely cruise. But then, a really big storm broke out.
An excited sailor ran to the poop deck. “Captain! Captain! We are starting to get water on board! If we don't do something soon, we're going to sink!”
“Yeah. And this storm looks like it's going to get worse instead of better. Only one thing we can do. Go below, and throw all the cargo overboard.”
“All of it?”
“Yeah. Better to lose all the cargo than to lose the ship and everybody aboard.”
“Aye, aye, captain.”
The captain was worried. “I've never seen a storm like this in all my life. Hey, what are you doing back here so soon. And who‘s that with you? I mean beside the other crewmen. I know who they are.”
“We went below to throw out the cargo, we found this guy down there asleep.”
“Asleep? How can you sleep in a storm like this? Oh, yeah, it’s you. That guy that got on at the last minute before we left Joppa. The least you can do is pray to your God to save us. We tried praying to our gods, but they don't seem to care.”
Another sailor spoke up. “Captain, I have an idea. Let's roll the dice to see who the gods are mad at? Once we know whose fault it is, we might be able to do something to make the gods happy.”
“Good Idea. Roll the dice.”
“Come on lucky seven!”
“But isn’t your number seven?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, right. In that case, don’t come on lucky seven!”
“Aha! Snake eyes! It's him! Jonah!”
The captain demanded: “You! What terrible thing did you do?”
“I'm Jonah the prophet. Yahweh, The Lord God of Israel gave me a job to do, but I ran away. That is why he is angry, and the storm is here.”
The sailors were angry. No, on second thought, they were righteously indignant. “Grr! Let's hang him from the yard arm!”
“Naw, Let's tie him to the anchor and drop him overboard!”
The captain tried to defuse the riot. “Now, now! We can't do that! That would be murder. I'm not gonna kill anybody. Everybody will just have to work harder, that's all. Back to your posts!” As the crew left, he turned to Jonah. “We're nowhere near Tarshish, but I'll set you off at the first piece of land we see.”
But the crewmen came running back, no longer excited, because they were too busy being frantic and desperate. “Captain! The sail just fell off!”
“Captain! Lightning just struck the mast!”
“Captain! We just sprung a big leak!”
The captain thought about it. “But then again, who am I to argue with God? Throw the bum overboard!”
And so they threw Jonah off the boat.
“Hey, the storm stopped! Men, let's all pray to Yahweh, and thank him for saving us, and offer Him a sacrifice.”
As Jonah sank, he tried to comfort himself in his final thoughts. “Oh well. I may drown, but at least Israel will be safe when God destroys Nineveh. After all, I can't go there to warn them from the bottom of the sea, can I?”
However, before he could pass out into oblivion, he thought he heard God speaking. “Is that what you think? Fish.”
“Fish? Now why did God say fish? Oops! That's why! Gadzooks what a big mouth!” The very large fish swallowed him.
And so Jonah spent three days and nights in the fish's stomach. And since there really isn't that much you can find to do inside a fish, he had plenty of time to think.”
“O.K. God. I give up. I realize that I cannot run away from you. So if you save me from this mess, I'll do what you tell me to.”
“Agreed.”
So the fish spit Jonah out onto the land. “Spitooie! Yuchh! Tastes ugly!”
Jonah crawled up the beach, complaining. “Stupid fish. It took you three days to notice that?”
God interrupted the complaints. “Jonah. Go to Nineveh, and give them the message that in 40 days their city will be destroyed.”
Jonah looked around. “Huh? That’s Joppa over there. I’m right back where I started from. Hey Lord, it’s going to take two or three weeks to walk there.”
“That’s all right. The 40 day countdown doesn’t start until you deliver the message.”
“That’s great, just marvelous.”
Two and a half weeks later, Jonah climbed another san dune to see: “Hey, what do you know? That's Nineveh right there.”
He entered the city, and for three days walked across it, delivering his message. “Hey, you rotten bunch! Listen up! The Lord says that in 40 days you and your nasty city will be destroyed! So there!”
However, he got a response he didn’t expect. Or hear, since he had walked off,
“Wow! Did you hear that?”
“Sure did. What should we do about it?”
“I think we better tell the king. That's what I think. Hey, King, your majesty you!”
“Yes? What is it?”
“A prophet of the Lord God of Israel came by and announced that in 40 days God is going to destroy Nineveh! What should we do?”
“That is a good question! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!”
“But surely nobody can destroy us. We have a bigger army than anybody.”
The king nodded. “Yes. But God doesn't need an army to destroy us. When He got mad at Sodom and Gomorrah He rained fire and brimstone on both cities and burned them and all the people to ashes.”
The people worried. “What can we do then? Shall we all skip town?”
The king disapreed. “That wouldn't do any good. He's God. You can't run away from God, He's every where. Only an idiot would try to run away from God!”
Jonah called out. “I heard that!”
“Then what can we do?”
The king hit his palm. “Two things. First, stop picking on Israel, because they are his chosen people. Then we get down on our knees and we pray like crazy. Nobody eats a thing.”
“Nobody?”
“Nobody! I catch anybody not fasting or repenting on their knees, and they won't have to worry about God destroying them, because I'll destroy them first! Now let's go spread the word!”
“You got it, your majesty you!”
And so the whole city prayed and repented of their sins. And when God saw that they were truly sorry for their sins, He felt pity for them. And so He forgave them and decided not to destroy them. But Jonah didn't like that. In fact, he had already left town and was sitting on a nearby hill where he could watch the city be destroyed.
“Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I got me a front row seat! I can't wait for the destruction! Hmm. I wonder what God will do? Fire out of the sky? An earthquake? A really big herd of elephants running over the town and mashing it flat? Wow. It sure is hot! It would really be nice if there was some shade around here.”
God heard him. “Shade, huh? All right. You there, in the ground. Seed.”
“Yes, God?”
“Jonah needs some shade. I want you to grow into a full sized plant today to give him some shade.”
“In one day? O.K.”
“Hey! Shade. That's great! But God's late. I don't see anything happening down there. I guess I counted the days wrong. It must be tomorrow when it happens. Boy, that sun is hot! I'm sure glad I have this shade.”
God spotted a worm crawling by, singing to itself. “buzza buzza buzz-buzz buzz buzz.”
“Yes, you‘ll do. You there, worm.”
“Buzz? Yes, God?”
“I want you to eat that bush.”
“The whole bush?”
“The whole bush.”
“O.K., God. Chomp! Chomp! Chew! Chew! Whew! I can't believe I ate the whole thing!” He crawls off singing. “Buzza buzza buzz-buzz buzz buzz.”
Jonah was furious. “You did! You did eat the whole bush, you greedy worm! I hope you get a stomach ache the size of Mount Horeb, you greedy thing!”
God spoke. “Why, Jonah! Are you angry?”
“Yes, I'm angry. You stupid worm!”
“So you feel sorry for the plant, do you.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, if you can feel such concern over a bush that you didn't plant, water or make grow, why can't I feel pity for Nineveh, with all the people who live there, including 120,000 children?”
“Hmm. I forgot about the kids.’
“And the cattle and the other innocent creatures?”
“You know something? I think you're right. I have been selfish. I'm sorry God. I won't do it again.
“Then I forgive you. Now, I have another little job for you. I have a message I want you to take to King Jeroboam of Samaria.”
“Groan! Oh, no! Here we go again.” (collapses)
JONAH'S FISH STORY
Our story today starts in Gath-Hepher, just a small village in Israel. We look into the house of a man by the name of Amittai. However, we won’t have anything to do with Amittai himself.
Amittai didn’t like that. “Humph. Then I won’t have anything to do with you, either, you snooty narrator!”
I just meant that the story had to do with your son, Jonah. Anyway, upstairs in his room, Jonah son of Amittai was praying to God.
“Oh most wonderful God, I thank You for Your goodness to me and to Your people, Israel. Lord, I want to tell You that if You ever want to use me in any way, no matter what it is, I'm ready for it. Just call on me any time You want me.
God heard him and decided to grant his request. “Jonah.”
Jonah heard the voice of God, and came to a wrong conclusion. “Huh? Hmm. I guess somebody is at the door. I'll go take a look. That's funny, nobody's there. Now then. Where was I? Oh, yeah. As I was saying, Lord, you can call on me any time You want me, any time at all. I'm always ready to be used by You. Since there is so much evil in the world, I'm sure You can use a humble servant like me to…”
“Jonah!”
“Oh my! There it is again. Who is that yelling my name when I'm trying to talk to God?”
“It is I, Jonah. Yahweh, the God of Abraham, and of Isaac, and of Jacob.”
“Oops!”
“Listen to Me, Jonah. I have a Mission for you.”
“You do? Oh, boy! Where to? Asia? Africa? Cleveland?”
“No. You are to go to Nineveh.”
“Nineveh? Nineveh! Why there? That's where our enemies live!”
“You are to go there, and you are to tell them this: I am getting sick and tired of all the nasty things they are always up to. Tell them that in forty days, I will destroy them and their city.”
“You will? Hot dog! Those rotten guys are always spoiling everything for us, stealing everything that isn't nailed down, and even some things that are! The world will be better off without them! Uh God, are you still there? Guess He left. I was going to ask Him why He wants me to warn them? I mean, if he wants to destroy them, why not just do it? Why warn them? Oh, oh. I just thought of something. If I warn them, then maybe they will stop doing evil and start praying to God, asking Him to have mercy on them. And, if I know God, the minute those bums start repenting and being sorry for their sins, He's going to start feeling sorry for them, forgive them, and let them go. Those guys are too rotten to forgive, if you ask me! If we let them go this time, then they will probably be twice as rotten next time to us poor children of Israel. Say, if I don't tell them what God said, then they won't repent. Then God will destroy them all, and we Israelites will be safe! Yeah! That's just what I'll do! Ya-ha-ha-ha!”
But then Jonah thought that maybe God might not understand just what Jonah was up to. In fact, He would probably get angry at Jonah and destroy Jonah instead! So Jonah decided to run away, to where God couldn't find him. He went to Joppa, to see if he could find a ship to sail away on. At the dock he was looking around, when he heard the captain of a ship singing.
My Bonnie lies over the ocean,
My Bonnie lies over the sea,
My Bonnie lies all over the place,
She just keeps on lying to me!
“Yeah, that girl just won't tell the truth for anything. That's why her mother used to call her Lilac, because she can Lilac anything! Why just the other day she says to me…”
“Yoo hoo! Captain Bottled!”
“No, that wasn't it. She never calls me captain. Always calls me Sailor Boy.”
“Good morning, Captain. That's a nice ship you have. Where is it going?”
“Oh, we're sailing for the city of Tarshish.”
“Tarshish? Is that far away?”
“Is it far away? My boy, you can't go any farther without falling off the edge of the world! There just isn't anywhere farther than Tarshish.”
“Really? Then that must be far enough away that God will never find me!”
“Say what?”
“I say, uh, do you have room for another passenger?”
‘Sure. Hop aboard. We are leaving right now.”
And so the ship set sail and left Israel. For the first few days, Jonah had a lovely cruise. But then, a really big storm broke out.
An excited sailor ran to the poop deck. “Captain! Captain! We are starting to get water on board! If we don't do something soon, we're going to sink!”
“Yeah. And this storm looks like it's going to get worse instead of better. Only one thing we can do. Go below, and throw all the cargo overboard.”
“All of it?”
“Yeah. Better to lose all the cargo than to lose the ship and everybody aboard.”
“Aye, aye, captain.”
The captain was worried. “I've never seen a storm like this in all my life. Hey, what are you doing back here so soon. And who‘s that with you? I mean beside the other crewmen. I know who they are.”
“We went below to throw out the cargo, we found this guy down there asleep.”
“Asleep? How can you sleep in a storm like this? Oh, yeah, it’s you. That guy that got on at the last minute before we left Joppa. The least you can do is pray to your God to save us. We tried praying to our gods, but they don't seem to care.”
Another sailor spoke up. “Captain, I have an idea. Let's roll the dice to see who the gods are mad at? Once we know whose fault it is, we might be able to do something to make the gods happy.”
“Good Idea. Roll the dice.”
“Come on lucky seven!”
“But isn’t your number seven?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, right. In that case, don’t come on lucky seven!”
“Aha! Snake eyes! It's him! Jonah!”
The captain demanded: “You! What terrible thing did you do?”
“I'm Jonah the prophet. Yahweh, The Lord God of Israel gave me a job to do, but I ran away. That is why he is angry, and the storm is here.”
The sailors were angry. No, on second thought, they were righteously indignant. “Grr! Let's hang him from the yard arm!”
“Naw, Let's tie him to the anchor and drop him overboard!”
The captain tried to defuse the riot. “Now, now! We can't do that! That would be murder. I'm not gonna kill anybody. Everybody will just have to work harder, that's all. Back to your posts!” As the crew left, he turned to Jonah. “We're nowhere near Tarshish, but I'll set you off at the first piece of land we see.”
But the crewmen came running back, no longer excited, because they were too busy being frantic and desperate. “Captain! The sail just fell off!”
“Captain! Lightning just struck the mast!”
“Captain! We just sprung a big leak!”
The captain thought about it. “But then again, who am I to argue with God? Throw the bum overboard!”
And so they threw Jonah off the boat.
“Hey, the storm stopped! Men, let's all pray to Yahweh, and thank him for saving us, and offer Him a sacrifice.”
As Jonah sank, he tried to comfort himself in his final thoughts. “Oh well. I may drown, but at least Israel will be safe when God destroys Nineveh. After all, I can't go there to warn them from the bottom of the sea, can I?”
However, before he could pass out into oblivion, he thought he heard God speaking. “Is that what you think? Fish.”
“Fish? Now why did God say fish? Oops! That's why! Gadzooks what a big mouth!” The very large fish swallowed him.
And so Jonah spent three days and nights in the fish's stomach. And since there really isn't that much you can find to do inside a fish, he had plenty of time to think.”
“O.K. God. I give up. I realize that I cannot run away from you. So if you save me from this mess, I'll do what you tell me to.”
“Agreed.”
So the fish spit Jonah out onto the land. “Spitooie! Yuchh! Tastes ugly!”
Jonah crawled up the beach, complaining. “Stupid fish. It took you three days to notice that?”
God interrupted the complaints. “Jonah. Go to Nineveh, and give them the message that in 40 days their city will be destroyed.”
Jonah looked around. “Huh? That’s Joppa over there. I’m right back where I started from. Hey Lord, it’s going to take two or three weeks to walk there.”
“That’s all right. The 40 day countdown doesn’t start until you deliver the message.”
“That’s great, just marvelous.”
Two and a half weeks later, Jonah climbed another san dune to see: “Hey, what do you know? That's Nineveh right there.”
He entered the city, and for three days walked across it, delivering his message. “Hey, you rotten bunch! Listen up! The Lord says that in 40 days you and your nasty city will be destroyed! So there!”
However, he got a response he didn’t expect. Or hear, since he had walked off,
“Wow! Did you hear that?”
“Sure did. What should we do about it?”
“I think we better tell the king. That's what I think. Hey, King, your majesty you!”
“Yes? What is it?”
“A prophet of the Lord God of Israel came by and announced that in 40 days God is going to destroy Nineveh! What should we do?”
“That is a good question! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!”
“But surely nobody can destroy us. We have a bigger army than anybody.”
The king nodded. “Yes. But God doesn't need an army to destroy us. When He got mad at Sodom and Gomorrah He rained fire and brimstone on both cities and burned them and all the people to ashes.”
The people worried. “What can we do then? Shall we all skip town?”
The king disapreed. “That wouldn't do any good. He's God. You can't run away from God, He's every where. Only an idiot would try to run away from God!”
Jonah called out. “I heard that!”
“Then what can we do?”
The king hit his palm. “Two things. First, stop picking on Israel, because they are his chosen people. Then we get down on our knees and we pray like crazy. Nobody eats a thing.”
“Nobody?”
“Nobody! I catch anybody not fasting or repenting on their knees, and they won't have to worry about God destroying them, because I'll destroy them first! Now let's go spread the word!”
“You got it, your majesty you!”
And so the whole city prayed and repented of their sins. And when God saw that they were truly sorry for their sins, He felt pity for them. And so He forgave them and decided not to destroy them. But Jonah didn't like that. In fact, he had already left town and was sitting on a nearby hill where he could watch the city be destroyed.
“Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I got me a front row seat! I can't wait for the destruction! Hmm. I wonder what God will do? Fire out of the sky? An earthquake? A really big herd of elephants running over the town and mashing it flat? Wow. It sure is hot! It would really be nice if there was some shade around here.”
God heard him. “Shade, huh? All right. You there, in the ground. Seed.”
“Yes, God?”
“Jonah needs some shade. I want you to grow into a full sized plant today to give him some shade.”
“In one day? O.K.”
“Hey! Shade. That's great! But God's late. I don't see anything happening down there. I guess I counted the days wrong. It must be tomorrow when it happens. Boy, that sun is hot! I'm sure glad I have this shade.”
God spotted a worm crawling by, singing to itself. “buzza buzza buzz-buzz buzz buzz.”
“Yes, you‘ll do. You there, worm.”
“Buzz? Yes, God?”
“I want you to eat that bush.”
“The whole bush?”
“The whole bush.”
“O.K., God. Chomp! Chomp! Chew! Chew! Whew! I can't believe I ate the whole thing!” He crawls off singing. “Buzza buzza buzz-buzz buzz buzz.”
Jonah was furious. “You did! You did eat the whole bush, you greedy worm! I hope you get a stomach ache the size of Mount Horeb, you greedy thing!”
God spoke. “Why, Jonah! Are you angry?”
“Yes, I'm angry. You stupid worm!”
“So you feel sorry for the plant, do you.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, if you can feel such concern over a bush that you didn't plant, water or make grow, why can't I feel pity for Nineveh, with all the people who live there, including 120,000 children?”
“Hmm. I forgot about the kids.’
“And the cattle and the other innocent creatures?”
“You know something? I think you're right. I have been selfish. I'm sorry God. I won't do it again.
“Then I forgive you. Now, I have another little job for you. I have a message I want you to take to King Jeroboam of Samaria.”
“Groan! Oh, no! Here we go again.” (collapses)
