Issues with my 8yr old daughter...

[Shell84]

Hi everyone,

I am urgently seeking some help/advice. My DD8 has had such awful behaviour since she was around 4. To the point that i have been so frustrated and angry at her that i've called my mum to remove her.
I have only been a christian for a yr so before that i was never into church or God etc. I took her to councellors, Peadatricians and no one found anything wrong with her. I always used to say its like she snaps and is possessed (b4 i was a christian). My realationship with her dad ended last yr (he is not a christian) and it has been a bit messy.
There has been a lot of sin in mine and my ex's life and i know i am forgiven and have moved on and am living by christ now, But i wonder if maybe my daughters issues could be spiritual? i don't know much about spiritual warfare in kids i have heard about the spirit of rebelion, but i pray for her but i just want her to behave and stop been so yuk all the time...
Just a note: i do punish her but it never works, to the point ALL her toys were takin away and she couldn't behave long enough to earn any back!
Regards Michelle

 

[SpiritLedEd]

I always used to say its like she snaps and is possessed (b4 i was a christian). My realationship with her dad ended last yr (he is not a christian) and it has been a bit messy.

+

Frankly, Shell, I think you and the child both need counseling, but you need to get it first. I think your daughter is angry - angry at you and at her dad. I think the reason why doctors and counselors say there's nothing wrong is that the child is passive/aggressive which means that she acts convincingly nice in front of others but lets her anger explode against you when no one else is around.

I hope this helps.

SLE

 

[savedtoserve]

Michelle my heart goes out to you, i am a grandmother and I recently had my 10 year old grandson live with me for 5 months, he does the same as your daughter does, it is very difficult to know what to do to help them and yourself.
my advice and personal opinion is this, children do have anger and all the feelings that we have and some times we forget that they need to work all these out. Firstly i would ask you to not shout at her or argue with her, she is a child and you are the adult, do not join into disputes with a child, they know the buttons to push to get to you.
Secondly, i bought my grandson a punch bag and a bash it doll made specially for kids to use in getting their anger out. When he got angry i told him to go and use his punch bag and bash it doll and get it out of his system. it calmed him down without fighting.
there could be underlying issues but if they cannot find anything it could be a behaviour attention that she has formed. My grandson is like this but he is also self harming and other issues. Take your daughter to the Lord and i will be praying for her also as i am sure many others will.
when you remove her toys etc. dont do it for a long period of time, if she is naughty take something favourite away and tell her she can earn it back by doing a small job for you, something simple then if she does it give her the toy back. Short spells without things works better, then if there is a greater issue you move to taking it away for hours then days. she will learn.
Patience is the key and to have that you need to bathe yourself in the Lords word and trust Him to keep you to manage this, Michelle I pray that this advice is helpful to you.
My grandson has other problems which is being dealt with, but we seen a change in him and his anger within a week Praise the Lord. and the Lord is taking care of all the other problems that he has.
Be blessed to enjoy your daughter as she grows up, stay close to God show her His love.
God bless you you and your daughter are in my prayers x

 

[RPAB]

In my opinion. Kids need someone they trust, to get there feelings out. I wouldn't really talk to psychs when I was 13, really...
I guess kids want someone they can trust, to want to understand them and there feelings. (Read some child pychology books maybe. (I'm in 2ed eyar psych (sort of), And adult and childhood developmental psychology was very imformative.

 

[sunshineaaks]

Hi everyone,

I am urgently seeking some help/advice. My DD8 has had such awful behaviour since she was around 4. To the point that i have been so frustrated and angry at her that i've called my mum to remove her.
I have only been a christian for a yr so before that i was never into church or God etc. I took her to councellors, Peadatricians and no one found anything wrong with her. I always used to say its like she snaps and is possessed (b4 i was a christian). My realationship with her dad ended last yr (he is not a christian) and it has been a bit messy.
There has been a lot of sin in mine and my ex's life and i know i am forgiven and have moved on and am living by christ now, But i wonder if maybe my daughters issues could be spiritual? i don't know much about spiritual warfare in kids i have heard about the spirit of rebelion, but i pray for her but i just want her to behave and stop been so yuk all the time...
Just a note: i do punish her but it never works, to the point ALL her toys were takin away and she couldn't behave long enough to earn any back!
Regards Michelle

Hi michelle

Sometimes, taking the toys is just another ‘thing’ taken from the child. A divorce ‘takes’ one parent or comfortable life style (both parents) and the child is left with nothing in their eyes. I agree with savedtoserve on the short periods which I believe teach her hope that she will get them back after the consequence.

Consistency is also a must. What is not ok today can not be ok tomorrow. Something so hard to do when the daily grind tires a parent and the correction is easier to just yell to get attention of the child rather than explain why something is not tolerated.

You mentioned her bad behavior started at around the age of 4. Could you give some insight on what was happening around that time? Some sort of trauma for her but minor maybe for those adults around her? For example, a pet’s death or a loved one she counted on, a new babysitter, if an abusive husband maybe she witnessed something? I ask this because so often kids are at a loss how to voice their fears, the despair they feel at a loss or offence like these don't have a voice until someone can help put words to what they don't understand. (i.e. "I would feel so sad if my pet died. How do you feel about this, -child's name-)

You mention your relationship with her dad ended about a year ago (your daughter being then 7 I assume?) so I’m thinking the behavior was just intensified after this?

We as parents are told not to provoke our children to anger (Ephesians 6:4) but to bring them up in careful scolding, discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Careful does not mean to shout something like “That is so stupid!” or “How can you be so stupid?” when a child spills the milk because of carelessness. The child feels stupid and doesn’t know how to correct ‘stupid’. Hence the child is then angered because there appears to be NO correction OR hope for their ‘stupidity’.

On the other hand; Careful Discipline would be “Now you know what happens when you are careless at the table. Now all you have to do is clean it up. Would you like me to help you?” Nough said.... but correction complete.... AFTER they clean up their mess AND lesson instilled on compassion, understanding and future treatment of future generations. The kid learns that ‘careless’ behavior CAN be corrected.

No shouting or stress for the parent there, right? The stress for the parent, (from my experience that I more or less learned the hard way too) comes with less shouting and more explaining.

A parent who can show true remorse for not listening to a child is one of the greatest things that will soften any child’s heart. With that remorse come great change for the child and the parent as God takes total control and heals both.

There is a book that helped me a bit called “How to talk so your child will listen and listen so your child will Talk” With this and biblical teachings I was able to really open up my own kids years ago.

One other thing that my kids told me later when they were older was that I was the only person they could get mad, really mad at, and knew without a doubt that no matter what they said I would love them anyway in spite of it all. Most the time they would come back and apologize for what ever it was they said (in their teen years too) and made the comments that they knew I would forgive.

Lessons we may not even know we teach our children. Positive or negative.

 

[rizen1]

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Frankly, Shell, I think you and the child both need counseling, but you need to get it first. I think your daughter is angry - angry at you and at her dad. I think the reason why doctors and counselors say there's nothing wrong is that the child is passive/aggressive which means that she acts convincingly nice in front of others but lets her anger explode against you when no one else is around.

I hope this helps.

SLE

I agree with SpiritLedEd. I would also add getting advice from older mothers, and grandmothers. If and when you choose a counselor make sure they obtain their education in a christian setting. The only cure is from the heavenly father, there's no cure in psychiatry ( go ask any professional they can only treat you ). So be careful no one labels her or give her some disorder and prescribes her drugs. I've worked with a special needs child, and the solution to her behavioral issues always ended with us leaving the office with some new prescription. Resulting in her walking around the house as a zombie. Yes she was no longer out of control but instead had , low energy, developed ticks and didn't want to play. All it did was made her more manageable for her parents and never hit the core of the problem.

I would eliminate disney channel, and pay attention to the kid shows. In some of these shows kids behave more adult and are shown talking back to their parents. All behaviors are learnt and therefore can be unlearnt. Play over some of her favorites ( not in her presence ), if you see bad behavior from characters write them down. Next to each bad behavior explain why it's wrong. When you're done watch it with her, pause each scene and explain how that scene is not funny but wrong. Every time you watch tv together point out right from wrong.

I would refrain from buying any new clothes or toys until you see change. Instead take her to volunteer at children's home, ask her if she would like to donate some of her toys and clothes ( you have to donate stuff also ). It's important at this age to teach them about helping others. And teach her by example. If she hears you talking on the phone a certain way, she's going to talk that way. If you're rude to someone outside, she's going to be rude to you inside. Find an activity for the both of you to do and enjoy each other, scrap booking, painting something low cost of free.

I watched a video on youtube with a 10yr old slapping his mother on Dr. Phil. That's the worse thing and it's great you're trying to fix it before it gets that far. Please know that you're a good mother and her behavior can be a result of 3 factors , friends, school and tv. Those areas sometimes are impossible to police. I'm sure she's a beautiful child who's only expressing herself the wrong way.

Don't think she's to young to learn about God and consequences.
Last and finally diet ( no not weight lost ), but choosing natural snacks, fruits and veggies. Food alters our moods, most of the stuff are processed or artificial. So going by a holistic doctor/nutritionist to see if there's any deficiencies is helpful. Proper breathing and breathing exercises are helpful and important.


I'll keep your family in prayer.
Take some time out for yourself, have me and God time.

 

[slayer]

Hi everyone,

I took her to councellors, Peadatricians and no one found anything wrong with her.

That has to tell you something, congratulations, you have a perfectly normal daughter. This is a child we are talking about, I have two of my own (not to mention I was a kid myself once, as we all were) and I can tell you kids play up, they test the boundaries and push your buttons (just wait till she hits the teenage years). it's part of growing up and exploring life. Of course kids need discipline, but to drown thier spirit with religion at such a young age needs some serious thought before jumping in with the fear of god and hell. Kids don't need that pressure put on thier shoulders they need love. Trust me, she will come to her senses when she matures, parenting is an extremely challenging job, but so rewarding as well.

 

[slayer]

Also, how do you think she'll respond to forced religion. I see more rebelion in her future with that plan. please think long and hard before making your decision, it can't possibly do any harm to think with an open mind about your child's future.

 

[dannibear]

That has to tell you something, congratulations, you have a perfectly normal daughter. This is a child we are talking about, I have two of my own (not to mention I was a kid myself once, as we all were) and I can tell you kids play up, they test the boundaries and push your buttons (just wait till she hits the teenage years). it's part of growing up and exploring life. Of course kids need discipline, but to drown thier spirit with religion at such a young age needs some serious thought before jumping in with the fear of god and hell. Kids don't need that pressure put on thier shoulders they need love. Trust me, she will come to her senses when she matures, parenting is an extremely challenging job, but so rewarding as well.

Wait...what? She never said anything about telling the girl she would
go to hell! And what religion are you talking about? Being a Christian
is not about following a 'religion', but about having a relationship
with God. Drowning her spirit? When I was that young, I didn't have
my father in my life, and knowing about and learning about God
did not 'drown my spirit' it made me realize I did have a Father in
my life, a Heavenly Father. That it wasn't my fault my dad wasn't there.

I am now 17. Do I feel pressure from so called 'religion'? No.
Am I so rebellious to the point of getting kicked out? No.
I don't know when the relationship with the father was changed,
but I do feel it has something to do with that.
Her spirit will not be drowned at all. Jesus is the one that
told His disciples to let the children come to Him.

If you are here to give Godly advice or seek Jesus
then fine. But don't come onto sites such as this
one to hinder someone else's relationship with Him.

 

[jiggyfly]

I'm not here to give godly advice, I'm not god. And to be honest I couldn't care less about her relationship with god, because her daughter is WAY more important. I'm a parent, and I can tell you if you put god before your children then you're an idiot. You're child is real, no-one can prove god is real, all you have is blind faith in a book written by men. Put your childrens best interest first, even if it means defying your church. Especially catholics (they don't exactly have the best track record with kids). Yes i'm an athiest, but that doesn't mean I don't care about people. I don't need a book to tell me how to love, i figured it out for myself.

Why are you here at TalkJesus? Are you seeking Jesus?

 

[Quenton]

I'm not here to give godly advice, I'm not god. And to be honest I couldn't care less about her relationship with god, because her daughter is WAY more important. I'm a parent, and I can tell you if you put god before your children then you're an idiot. You're child is real, no-one can prove god is real, all you have is blind faith in a book written by men. Put your childrens best interest first, even if it means defying your church. Especially catholics (they don't exactly have the best track record with kids). Yes i'm an athiest, but that doesn't mean I don't care about people. I don't need a book to tell me how to love, i figured it out for myself.

Not to upset you in anyway but I have a question...


how does one just up and find love...do you consider love a inward or a outward thing?..is it a personality? or just a feeling?

I just don't know how someone can just find love like love is in a box if love isn't a being.

Because if love is your own personality or a feeling you have it would be something you didnt hav e to figure out.

The love your talking about shouldn't have to be found it be something you already have and express to your child. Just like God did for us

 

[AbbysAunt]

1cor.13:4-8 Love suffers long and is kind, love does not envy, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, doe not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity,but rejoices in the truth. bears all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

This is the love that our Lord Jesus has for us....His love is all these things and it never ever fails. He loved so much that He sacrificed Himself and took the punishment that should of by all means been meant for us, but Jesus took upon Himself the sin, shame, sickness of the whole world and took a punishment far worse than we could ever imagine
and why?...because He loved us so much He was not willing that we should suffer in that
horrible way, so instead He took the punishment and bore our sins, shame, humilation, sicknesses and whatever you can imagine upon Himself so that we may by the precious blood He shed have redemption for our sins...we through Jesus can enter into heaven into eternal peace....this is selfless love in its purest form....it was LOVE that held our Lord to that cross.

slayer, you state that anyone who puts God before their children is an idiot...if we do not put our Lord and His example of what love is before ourselves and our children how then can we learn how to love at all...its not possible...He is not only our savior but our teacher...from Him we learn what we need so we can raise our children according to His word...We need to put Him first in all things and over all things so we can fully and truely
learn what real true selfless love is...raising children is a huge responsibility and I can't imagine doing it without having and putting God first. I've never been a parent but in my lifetime helped raised many children and I can tell you if God wasn't first in my life I could not and would not of been able to do that.

You also state noone can prove God is real. I don't need anyone to tell me He is real because I know it without a doubt! I feel Him in my heart and see Him all around me in His very creation of this earth. Without a doubt I can tell you I would not be here without my Lord He saved me when noone else could and when I couldn't save myself He was there to save me. Whether or not one believes God is real doesn't change the truth and this is what God Himself says in the Bible

Rev.1:8 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, says the Lord, who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.

Whether you believe or not that is the truth and nothing will change that. Despite your disbelief I can tell you God still loves you slayer. Please don't come on here and call us idiots who love the Lord...for we through our Lord have gained much wisdom and it by His wisdom we can encourge, lift up and pray for others here on the site. To call us idiots is to say our Lord is an idiot and I can assure you slayer He is not an idiot...Our Lord is wisdom beyond what any man can imagine. The Bible which you stated is a made up book is not only instruction for how we are to live our lives but also a way for us to grow closer to our Lord for in it we learn what He would have us to learn and in turn put into practice in our lives. The Bible Is and Always will be the very written word of our Lord God in Heaven.

To Shell84 I will be praying for you and daughter...knowing God is working right now in your lives performing a miracle for the both of you.

 

[dannibear]

I'm not here to give godly advice, I'm not god. And to be honest I couldn't care less about her relationship with god, because her daughter is WAY more important. I'm a parent, and I can tell you if you put god before your children then you're an idiot. You're child is real, no-one can prove god is real, all you have is blind faith in a book written by men. Put your childrens best interest first, even if it means defying your church. Especially catholics (they don't exactly have the best track record with kids). Yes i'm an athiest, but that doesn't mean I don't care about people. I don't need a book to tell me how to love, i figured it out for myself.

If you have it figured out for yourself, then why do you need us?
By that entire post, I can already tell that you never really wanted
help, but just wanted to come on here and tell everyone
why you think God doesn't exist without reading any of the numerous
threads Chad and other users put hard work into posting about
all the physical and historical evidence of God's existence.
Not one person on this site is an idiot. And any person who
says they don't need a book to know how to love, would know
not to call anyone an idiot. For they would love everyone else
over themselves.