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Is it safe to talk here

Discussion in 'Counseling' started by Lanolin, Aug 23, 2017.

  1. Thanks to all who praying and counsel people that have issues.

    I think everyone has difficult friendships sometimes and not always invited...sometimes people just latch on to you and its hard to be free of them...because they have problems but they will not accept help or listen so they can be hard to be around.

    The thing that Im dealing with it wrong to talk about these issues with other christians or even on this forum is its to do with someone elses behaviour adversely affecting you. I think I shared this on another forum but many people just said oh its gossip or you being judgemental. But I think if you care about someone even if they difficult its not like its meant to put that person down or talk behind their back its to sort out the issue and get some clarity on it.

    I mean nobody has to comment or read about stuff that does not concern them at all. But I think spiritually if the other party is not listening and youve tried talking to them and with another witness and they still not listening then is it ok then to tell it to the church.

    Because many of these issues are real they arent just petty issues it can be life or death. It can be like how long are you meant to tolerate someones abusive or manipulative behaviour before you decide its right to divorce or excommunicate. Should you stay friends witn someone whos decieving you or not honest?

    Stuff like that.

    Of course its given that you pray about this before posting on here. Otherwise, why have help, counselling or advice forums at all. Just say, sorry cant help you go to God and dont talk about it with anyone else cos that is just gossip. I dont think people who ask for help are wanting to gossip at all, and the genuine christians who care are giving up their precious time to answer these posts. Loving words and wise counsel make a difference. We are meant to encourage one another.

    So thank you to those that care. Bless.
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  2. I think the primary difference between gossip and discussion regarding a resolution is the gossip crowd is not interested in seeking a resolution to fixing issues. At best, gossip can make for a good story. At worst, it perpetuates division and strife which are two elements that cannot exist in a group seeking cohesion within its membership. And, gossip is at the expense of someone else and about that person, not the problem.

    When some people tell stories, they tend to put themselves on a pedestal. Also, I am sure you have noticed that some will build them selves up by tearing others down.

    We all have a breaking point on what we can or will tolerate. It is said that a soft answer turns away wrath. However, a legitimate problem remains a problem until resolved. The Bible says that if any man lack wisdom, ask, and God upbraideth not. He has promised to help us because that is His nature. All we have to do is trust Him and be a good role model.

    Cheers, John
  3. Amen!

    Total agreement with you on this.

    Not always easy being a servant or to be willing to step in the gap for another.

    I'm sure many will tell you...Give all the Glory to God!

    With the Love of Christ Jesus.
    Lanolin likes this.
  4. When God permits and gives me the words, I try to help, but sometimes online help is insufficient to a person's problem. Also, unfortunately there a some people who at times will interfere on an open forum in ways that may hinder or even worsen the situation. For some problems a private discussion is best with someone you trust and who has words which really can at least encourage if not heal.
  5. #5 Lanolin, Aug 23, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    I think its safe to share and discuss certain problems here, it wasnt safe on a different forum. One time I really needed help, it wasnt to tell a story or for entertainment or to make myself look good, it really was an issue I was dealing with needing help from brothers and sisters in christ.

    Its totally ok not to respond if its outside of your realm but yes I agree amadeus, on an open forum some people would interfere and offer opinions and advice that make things worse. People would upbraid me for having a problem when I needed wisdom to know how to deal with it, or resolve it.

    Yes the best wisdom comes from above but also just want to say that godly encouragment also helps with resolving issues. Sometimes in life we face things that seem impossible but God always shows His higher way. He never puts people down for crying out to Him.
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  6. Aye, my wife has had for a large part of our 45 good years of marriage some serious health problems. Some supposed believers have been critical because they think she should have enough faith for God to have ended these difficulties long ago. I have my answer for them when God lets me know it is proper for me to answer.

    Some are quite certain, at least they so say, that if one has enough faith God will always fix the trouble. That is true, but some people, I believe, are misguided into thinking they always know what it means for God to fix something. He fixed Israel by bringing them out of slavery in Egypt, but then they had to make their way through the wilderness. He saved them from slavery in Egypt, but most of them did not make it through to the Promised Land. God was there always to help Him, but they wanted it their own way instead of His. We must know what His Way is or at least know how to get to His Way.

    God's Way is the highway of holiness, but it is not without its pitfalls. God also has the answers to every problem that anyone faces. Sometimes His answer is directed alone to the person who needs the answer, but sometimes He works through another person or persons. We see this throughout the OT, where God used prophets and priests and kings and servant girls to provide the answer needed. Whether He speaks to us through the scripture as we read or by means of a "still small voice", we need always to be paying attention for our answer.
  7. #7 Lanolin, Aug 24, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    Sometimes its the persons that are close to us that have the problem...we can see the problem, but they cant or arent willing to face it. That is the difficult thing that they are not willing to see.

    When do we walk away. Or when do you say no, cant help becAuse the help given is not actually what they wanted, they didnt want help, they wanted to continue with the problem. The way was shown but they did not take it.

    I know its dangerous to think its the problem of the person but that person has a will too and some people are not willing to take personal responsibilty for themselves. Children you can help and look out for but I find it hard when its people older than myself who should have known better..and more difficult if they are lukewarm believers, because its relativey easy to make amends and forgive a repentant brother or sister, harder if the person you know was once close to God and is now in rebellion and actually is wanting to drag you with them.

    God does give me answers through scripture but its not easy knowing what to do sometimes, its a day by day thing. But I do appreciate others who may have gone through the same thing obviously i think we can comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received. And there is so much from the bible we can learn from how God intervenes in ordinary peoples lives who faced really tough situations.

    I just dont like being lied to.

    It makes me feel like a friend or someone who I thought was a friend is not...its like a betrayal. Thats the hardest thing to deal with sometimes.

    I know some people dont care for friends and are quite casual about it but Im finding the more I walk with God a lie is something that ends up hurting more and can spell the end of a friendship. It could be one you've had for many years but imagine if you were married and your spouse one day lied to you and then kept on lying your marriage would basically be a sham. Some people think a lie can be justified if they dont know wont hurt them but I think people always get found out.
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  8. Sometimes people want to come to God, but they have decided what it is they need from God and what they have decided is wrong. To be allowed to embrace God, they must surrender those things that they think they need in favor of "whatever it takes, that's what I'm willing to do". God is merciful so He usually does not simply reject such people but works with them, perhaps through you or me or some other believer. Sometimes down the road they will open their heart and receive what God has for them, but sometimes not...

    We need to be able know from God when it is time to continue with them and when it is time to back away from them.

    Friendship can be hard to come by. Real friends that I have had in my lifetime can probably counted on one hand, and some of them are doubtful. It isn't necessarily that they have done something wrong. Sometimes it is simply me. For many years I had a hard shell around me that blocked the way to real friendship. For years I tried by different ways to bread that shell, but no real inroads were made until I really came to Jesus in 1976. In a sense I believe that other people who would like to come to God feel the same way about Him. They cannot trust Him and need help breaking out of their shell. God may let us help them break their shell and come to Him.

    Lying sometimes seems to be in people's nature, or at least it is a habit formed so long ago, that they do it without much or any forethought. For their own good, even when not serving God it would be best to put and end to it. To serve God would be impossible if the lying were not stopped.

    We don't need to tell any person everything, but shouldn't whatever we tell them should be the truth? Hmmm...

    Could it ever be OK to lie? Consider the lie of Rehab the harlot in the book of Joshua told in order to help the spies sent into Jericho.
  9. My friend who knows this friend in question (the one I have problems with) says shes a hard, difficult to crack. Yep she sure has a hard shell.

    I thought was making some inroads but I suppose like a mussel or oyster she closed up again. Our friendship is kind of in the shallows.

    And because she has been lying to me or avoiding me only really using me for what she wants Ive had to step away. Even when she calls me for help its to use me for her own ends. I found out from her husband that on the day she never showed up when I invited her she left the phone off the hook so that I couldnt call. Then she rings me from the hospital expecting me to drop everything and go to her. Am rather tired of these games she thinks its funny to play.

    The thing is I heard her say she was going to do something for God yet she never did it. Why say something and then dont do it, thats lying to me. Why say you will come over and then dont and never give any explanation. Why say you want to give someone something and then go and take it for yourself. Why claim you will do something and then forget as if youve never said it. Shes lying to her parents and her husband and then to me.
    So I cant really be around someone who lies. She wont listen to the truth or really face up to her behaviour. And I dont think her lies are helping anyone, shes not hiding spies like rahab and shes not like a double agent. There is no need for a coverup.

    The thing is she did have a relationship with God at some stage yet shes wandered far from Him. She had the knowledge yet shes the one who disobeyed - and thats why am concerned for her soul..and nothing I do or say seems to get through or bring her back I can only pray, but she seems to have chosen the darkness this time.
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  10. Praying may be the only thing you can do for her now.
  11. #11 Lanolin, Aug 25, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    She rang again but I just said listen to the doctor. I will see you when you get out of hospital.

    I hope she listens to Dr Jesus.

    Her husband coming round today to sort out what to do with his wife..I did suggest when she gets out of hospital that he take at least a week or two off work to care for her or take her up to her mum and dads. Im also going to tell him about church and recovery groups, there is one right near where she lives

    I dont know what else to do its really hard dealing with an addict who doesnt want to get well. Thats why am not visiting her in hospital again have to give it to God. I cant reward evil behaviour i,e lying and manipulation.

    Shes in rebellion and wont listen to me. Its probably cos I dont tell her off which is why she hangs out with me but i have rebuked her insisting her own way all the time by just refusing to go with her and indulge in sinful talk and behaviour. I suppose hospital is the best place for her right now, she did choose to go there.

    Not sure what else to do. The proverb God gave me wAs right the curse causless does not come..I dont have to go after foolishness, just let God handle it. Her parents and her husband love her very much and are quite willing to look after her buts shes refusing them or not talking to them or not following doctors orders. Different if she didnt know...but she KNOWS its wrong and still does it and doesnt seem to feel any shame or care. Help Lord! Im sure she knows to cry out to You Jesus. She just needs to reach that point. To act on that seed of faith. Her other friend also said she will see her when she gets out, we know she cant stay there forever she has to want to be well.

    Good news she's now talking to her husband and he's going to look after her, will be out perhaps Tuesday.

    Please keep her and husband in prayers and that she be open to God and ready to receive His gift of salvation and all the other spiritual gifts He wants to give her. She just needs to let go of her obssession or whatever happened in the past thats consuming her. Then she can have the strength to resist temptations.
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  12. Praying now for the situation!
    Lanolin likes this.
  13. Hi @Lanolin,

    'Is it safe to talk here?' - This question brings the word, 'No!' to my mind straight away: for this is an open forum, with viewers, potentially, worldwide; and it is always possible that there are those whose motives are not honourable, or honest. So we must always be careful what we say, mustn't we?

    There are times when we need to unburden ourselves to someone, to receive advice, or even just a listening ear: and it would be good to feel that this was a place where this could be done confidently; but, I don't think I would bring my problems here, simply because it is open to scrutiny from anyone who chooses to look in.

    With love in Christ Jesus
  14. #14 Lanolin, Aug 31, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    Am always careful what I say...

    Maybe this part of the forum should be closed off to members of talk Jesus only. But I do feel there is a place for it, because 1) counseling as practiced where you have to go see someone every week and pay can be expensive and time consuming, 2) not everyone has someone they can just call, there are prayer telephone lines and things like victim support but sometimes it helps to write problems down. People are all different...and names are never given.

    For example, in the womens forum many have shared that they are married to unsaved husbands. Maybe the wife has been struggling for many years. Should they share that on talk Jesus? Oh but the husband might read it! But the husband already knows hes not saved its nothing new. The wife might have given up praying. But is she shares on talk Jesus maybe she can find encouragment and testimony to persevere, keep praying, and not grow weary or she might realise that its not healthy to stay in that marriage. She could take it to the church before going to an expensive lawyer.

    I dont think problems like these go away if nobody talks ever about them. They need need some resolution and the people that do have problems need encouragement. I dont think its healthy to bottle things inside, thats how people can make themselves sick. Its like prayer if you never talk to God, never share whats really going on in your life, how are you going to build a relationship if you dont communicate.

    Jeremiah 33:3 is God's telephone number.

    I mean something may be bothering you at 3am in the morning. Its is not likely you can call someone at that time of night. But you can always talk to God. And if you cant do that because you just not in a place to do that... write it down.

    The one time in the bible that Jesus wrote something down is when the woman was caught in adultery. Some things you cannot really say out loud.

    Another time in the bible where things were written down is when writing appeared on the wall. And of course Paul wrote letters to the church to be read by everyone and there were always problems to be dealt with in the early church! The reason why we have those letters today and quote from them all the time is because they have godly advice. He even wrote to the corinthians twice to follow up on those issues that he spoke to them about. You might hear something once and its gone but if you write it down and read it, theres more likely you will remember it.

    That is my thoughts anyway. But I do agree that on some forums they let in wolves and are not diligent about keeping them away. Wolves often pounce on people that are vilnerable. As many come to the Lord everyday I think you cant just tell them if you have a problem dont tell anyone cos its not safe here. Sometimes people take the risk. I dont think people that have problems they are wanting to sort out have bad motives, but I think that people that are dismissive and rude about them are.

    It would be nice to have problem free life for sure but we all go through trials and some people have tribulations! That is how put faith gets tested and refined. We should count it all joy instead of groaning woe is me! Otherwise how bad are we, like Jobs comforters lol.
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  15. [for me anyway] it depends on if the person is a professing Christian or not: if they are, then of course we are commanded by our Lord to tell the matter between us and them alone; and if they receive correction, then good; and of not, then we bring one or two more, so that every word may be established; but if they receive not, then the matter is to be brought before the congregation: but they still receive not, then are they as a heathen, and except they repent, leave them alone.
    But if the person is not a professing Christian, then after the first and second instructive warning reject, knowing that they that are such, are subverted, and are yet impenitent.
  16. 'I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you
    that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,
    With all lowliness and meekness,
    with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;
    Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.'

    (Eph. 4:1-3)


    Hello there,

    The Lord has always brought into my life people to fellowship with in one's and two's, and within the last ten years it has been my elder sister who has fulfilled this role for me. She is thirteen years older than me, but we have always been good friends. However, with her blossoming faith, and growth in the Lord Jesus Christ, came a difficulty between us, which we had to overcome, and which threatened to make fellowship impossible. It was the age old problem of the flesh warring against the spirit, with a little added difficulties thrown in; but every time I travelled to her home for fellowship, I would have to pray for love and grace, and she too; for the enemy of our souls was using the flesh in each other to try to prevent the fellowship we were having in the Spirit.

    Yet, difficult though those times were, I do praise God for them, for we were privileged to see His hand at work in one another, as He sorted out the problems, soothed our troubled minds, and brought release and peace to us both. We were, and still are, going on to know Him, and the fullness that is in Christ Jesus; and the enemy sought to prevent this; but God has and will continue to overrule and give the victory as we progress on this journey.

    I found the need at those times to unburden myself to someone, and would talk to a friend about it, but it always left me feeling guilty and disloyal to my sister, for it was the flesh talking and it never is unbiased, and gave a false impression to the one I unburdened myself to. I wish I had unburdened myself to the Lord alone.

    He is gracious and faithful, and His judgments are true: for He knows the thoughts and intents of the heart, and can direct His Word to the matter, and divide what is of the flesh and what is of the spirit, bringing light to bear upon our problems; and where there is darkness and uncertainty, make our paths straight.

    Praise His Holy Name!

    In Christ Jesus
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  17. Of course, who among has not had difficult times and who has not had someone available at some point to help us?
    Yes, Elijah was alone when he ran away to save his life, but he was also in error as the Lord pointed out to him. Still having said that sometimes I know we need to be alone with God so that He may directly commune with us, but sometimes that other human person is the thing may need the most.
    Give God the glory for He always knows just what we need!
  18. #18 Lanolin, Sep 1, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    I'm glad I have another sister in the Lord to talk to when I can't even have a conversation with my other 'sister'.
    There are problems with workmates too when one workmate won't listen to his other workmates. They have tried talking to him but he just won't listen.

    This happens all the times in situations with people and not talking about the issue, hiding it under the rug is NOT going to resolve it. People commit suicide when they feel they have nobody to talk to. I have seen it happen. They won't open up.

    Well you don't unburden yourself to just anyone. You go to the Lord first of course. But that does not mean you are alone...go to your sisters or brothers in the Lord for support and encouragement.

    I don't appreciate being a dumping ground for other people's problems, but, somebody has to tell someone or they should go to the police if it's serious.

    If someones off their face on drugs and ruining other peoples lives including their own, do you just not tell anyone and ignore it? I don't think so. If it's a child and they were constantly acting up I would be calling the parents!
    You don't feel guilty for calling the police when someone's robbed your house do you?

    Look did Jesus cover Judas theft? Well I'm sure he let Judas know that it was wrong. He didn't kick him out though, but he did say to his other disciples someone among you twelve is going to betray me. He didn't name him to them though. I think he gave him a fair chance to make good. And obviously talked to His Father about it!!!

    It must have been tricky for Jesus to be friends with all his disciples.
    Some stopped following him. Peter was clingy. Judas had ulterior motives. I think Jesus was aware that some needed help more than others - for example, he scolded Martha for ragging on Mary. Mary needed extra training! People would say stuff about her but she was the one who was forgiven the most. But realise - Mary actually went to Jesus for forgiveness, He's always said if a brother (or sister) repent, forgive them.

    The thing is, Judas did not go to Jesus and repent. Peter did, but Judas didn't.

    Its when you are dealing with people who are hardened that can be difficult. I mean elijah might have prayed for Jezebel to see the light and her heart to be softened but look in reality some people those prayers would have zero effect. Even Jesus could not pray for Judas. Could Jesus and Judas have been true brothers...well that's the question. Did Judas kiss Jesus out of brotherly love or was it something more?

    Likewise could anyone have been friends with Jezebel? It's likely she would have charmed her way into people's lives and then USED each and everyone. Of course Jezebel - she's an extreme case but actually its quite common to hear of people being under her influence.

    Are we friends with the world? That's being an enemy of God! Well if we came from out of the world its likely the world is still trying to draw us back in. But if we stand in faith the world starts hating us and doesn't want to follow the Lord. So at some point we need to make a choice. And some people choose to stay in the world. We want them to come away from it and provide every option but if they don't want to follow Him then, well where we go as Jesus said, they cannot come.

    It could be someone wants to continue to do drugs and you don't. Do you still hang round them waiting for them to give up?

    I have come across some people professing they love the Lord but only after His benefits. God has to give me such and such or I wont be happy. Why isnt He answering my prayer?!

    Its really hard to tell them, well sorry but God doesnt operate like that. You might show them scripture and fhey reject it. However Gods word never returns back empty... so even if they lash out at you...its not you they rejecting but Gods word. And God can handle that. Personally I find it difficult to be around people who cant see that maybe they have an issue that God can help with yet they actually refuse that help.

    1 timothy 6:3-10
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  19. "Jesus answered them and said, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Ye seek me, not because ye saw the miracles, but because ye did eat of the loaves, and were filled.
    Labour not for the meat which perisheth, but for that meat which endureth unto everlasting life, which the Son of man shall give unto you: for him hath God the Father sealed." John 6:26-27
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  20. In some countries people are called rice christians. Its because church offered perishable food so people went so they could have food but actually ignored Jesus and actually just used the church.

    I know of one lady who only ever turns up to church when they having a meal. She also goes round funerals because there is always food at a wake. She doesnt pray or comfort others she just eats the food. God is her belly...

    Sometimes I think its wiser to speak the gospel first but many churches think well we have to feed the masses and then they will hear the gospel. Well no, people cant be bribed. Its good to have compassion but see Jesus wasnt a food bank. When he turned water into wine and multiplied the loaves and fishes it was miraculous, and it was because there was a need but im sure there were people there that just thought oh I know what I can get from Jesus. Free lunch!

    Jesus isnt stupid though! He knows what is in man.
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