My heart goes out to you, the anguish you are putting your self through is heart breaking. I wish there is something I could do to help you.
Eph1:7 "Through the blood of his Son, we are set free from our sins. God forgives our failures because of his overflowing kindness." Gods
You are absolutely right that that we pay a consequence for our sins and that has to do with how you are feeling. Please get Pastoral support, you cannot carry this on your own. My heart is heavy feeling your burden but that is why we are here, to help you. I am in no position to pass judegement on you, Jesus's arms are wide open waiting for you to hold you and give you peace. Read the Psalm as David did so much with the sin in his life, you feel his pain.