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I'm miserable in my marriage, is there hope?

Discussion in 'Counseling' started by redeemed4life, Apr 11, 2013.

  1. Hello. I've been married to my best friend for almost 3 years and I'm absolutely miserable. For me to end up being miserable, didn't happen overnight, I believe it slowly began to happen. Being miserable is incredibly painful; I don't want to get a separation or divorce.

    Here are some of the thoughts in my head right now and I just want to be plain and simple writing this.

    I feel after when I come home from work, the atmosphere in the house is not very inviting. I find often there is more criticism than encouragement from my wife. I need some time to unwind, and recharge my batteries after work, but my wife constantly interrupts and demands time with her. I feel that if I don't unwind and spend time alone, my time with her will not be quality time. I get so angry in the house, most of the time not really knowing why it starts or how it started. I get so cold towards my wife. The cold shoulder, not wanting to talk, and spend time with her. I just want to be left alone. I find a lot of the times coming home from work, the house is a mess, and with me and my personality, I feel guilty not cleaning it up. I don't know how to approach my wife on issues of the house being a mess and other issues, as very little things often shut her down. We do not read the Bible together, pray together, and pray for each other. I've tried to lead in this area, but she refuses me to lead. We do not have sex often, perhaps its only once a week, if even that. The passion we once had for each other in our younger years married, has slowly faded away. It seems life together is more like a transaction than a relationship. It seems we are more like roommates, than friends and lovers. I do not like being at home with my wife, and sometimes not even around her and will find ways to spend most of my time at work or away from my wife. I pray everyday for my wife and our marriage together, but its just so painful. I know I struggle with sins of my own and I'm not perfect either. I do my best to be the best husband I can, but I get discouraged easily.

    Another thing: There are very godly women I work with and their godliness is very attractive. My friendships with them are excellent. We have lots of chats about God and life, which rarely happens with my wife and I. They treat me with respect and they appreciate me. The women I work with are more attractive than my wife physically and spiritually. There are strong temptations to cheat on my wife since our marriage is miserable, but with sincere honesty I do not want to cheat. Some thoughts I have sometimes, is why are my friendships with these women so strong, and yet with my wife its so weak.

    Is there hope for our marriage? Will this pain ever stop? Is there things I can do to turn this marriage around?
  2. You got some tough situation there. It sorta actually began before you got married. I am sure you realize the problems now have thier roots in not effective communication... on both your parts it sounds like. You need to seek marriage councilling from your pastor, or someone like that in person to find out where you went wrong, and how to correct it. If your marriage is important to you both, then you must submit yourselves to someone who can better council you.
  3. #3 Thiscrosshurts, Apr 12, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2013
    Comparing is what is making you miserable,and the situation you describe at work is a set up for failure.
    Dump the Christian women and get your best friend back.
    You married her for a reason and if you start acting like the person she married she will respond.
    Don't think she is not picking up on your comparing her to others and that could cause her to give up trying.

    Consider this:
    If your joy,peace and stability depends on another then what should darkness attack in order to drag you down?
    You need to get your joy in the Lord back and then start praising God for your wonderful wife and friend and reinforce Gods word in your wife and marriage.

    You can pray for her as if she was already a believer:
    1 Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

    Thank God for directing her heart and drawing her to Christ:
    Proverbs 21:1 The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases.

    Thank God for guiding her steps:
    Proverbs 20:24 A man’s steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way?

    Thank God for the gift of an excellent wife:
    Prov. 31:10,11 "An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life."

    I have seen many spouses turn unbelieving partners into prayer partners by reinforcing God's awesome word and promises through prayer and faith.
  4. I gues the answer is ? Bring her home flowers , some candy she likes ? ask Her to go out to dinner , set a date with Her ! tell Her ho3w you feel and How you long to be united in Love and truth ! Ask God to help you to please Her !

    Make Her important in your life !

    Eph_5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
    Your the Spiritual leader ! act like it ! Put your self aside ! satan trying to trick you too defile your marriage and destory the marriahe that GOD counts Holy ! Start praying for GOD to change your thinking ! Your the man !

    1Pe_3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

    Love you Man , be a Man !
  5. That is excellent advice, romance needs to be nourished. We are commanded to love our wives like Christ loves the church, sacrificially.
  6. One of the devils key playing cards is division.....trying to further divide the rift between you and your wife by tempting you into thinking the grass is greener on the other side. As Thiscrosshurts says dump the Christian women and get your best friend back.

    And as spirit1st suggests..... treat your wife, bring her some flowers home, make her feel loved, wanted and attractive.
    You say you don't like to spend time with her and try to stay away as long as you can.....she could be feeling very lonely and rejected.
    If she knows you have attractive Christian women as friends she could be feeling very ugly or unattractive.

    Praise the Lord for your relationship with your wife and thank Him for her
    Praise Him for all your blessings together.....all those little things that bind you in love

    Leave all your criticism and misery at the foot of the cross and ask Jesus to flood your heart with love and joy that flows out into your marriage.

    That God in all things may be glorified
    1 Peter 4:11

  7. What if you both took the Five Love Languages Quiz online to see what your love languages are? Then, try to do that. Not saying bringing flowers is wrong, but not all women want that. Like for me, flowers are like third on my list lol. I want hubby to touch me. Then, I want him to spend time with me. :) BUT that's me.

    Maybe you need to talk to her about it. If you've done that, maybe you need to do it again. Maybe write her a love letter. :)

    Do you kiss her when you come home? Do you make her feel like she's important to you?

    Because a lot of times we express love the way we want to be loved, but people are different. But starting with flowers "just because I was thinking of you" or whatever will be huge :)

    (now hubby knows NOT to get me flowers :s I kill them in two days :( lol hopefully your wife is better at that than me :))

    Oh and comparing her to others is not a good idea :S I realize I do that sometimes and then I go wait a minute! God gave me this wonderful man! He knows me better than anyone save God! I won't let satan try to do anything to harm this relationship! Hubby sensed that was happening once and I did the right thing and cut ties with that man. You do what you have to and fight together! :)
  8. @ redeemed4life
    My heart and prayers go out to you my brother.

    I love how you started out with "married to your best friend". Nice to say, but really difficult to live in truth. With friends prior to marriage, we can come right out and say things that are on our mind, with the expectation of hearing the truth right back at us. Normally, this happened when it really didn't concern the other (friend), but dealt with circumstances or other people we both might know in our lives that we needed to talk about in order to relieve the pressure that was building up inside of us. Keeping in mind you (both of you) were then willing partners to hear out every concern each of you might have. After three years of marriage, there is something about what was just said, which no longer seems possible to do with that friend and spouse you still love so dearly, but find difficult to like. Our concern had less to do on how the other person was going to react, but now that has changed! We never have the right words when we speak them, or it's the wrong time! Because now it's not about other people or circumstances, but about each other.

    When we are going through the storms of life, rarely if ever do we say "yeah, this is as it should be, and I'm happy with all this turbulence in my life". As a believer we know that much that happens in our lives, since Christ Jesus has become our King and Savior, has to do with growth, in walking and living in the Spirit. This of cause includes your marriage. What did our Lord say to the Pharisees concerning the joining of a man and a woman? Matthew 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

    You as you have stated do not want to divorce, which of cause is not something that God wants for you at all. That's not the part I want you to look at just yet. The first part of what our Lord said that I want you to focus on is "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh." So from what I gather in your post and what you've communicated so far is your half of the story. What you need to be able to do, is to communicate her half of the story, probably even better than your own. Why? Because with both halves you have what? Exactly. A whole story and with God as truly the Head of Household, with the Holy Spirit as the guide, you will, with some turbulence, manage to navigate through the difficult times that have happened and may yet happen still in your marriage. And this happens how? Not as you & her, but as "One". She hurts, you hurt, she's frustrated, you're patient (thought I was going to say frustrated didn't you? ) and many more besides these to. Now what to do? Pray, which you've been, but how has that prayer been? Do you pray for your understanding, and her change, and her understanding, and your change? Pray as a servant my brother. Guide me God to be the husband that she will respect, love, and honor, so that you may cherish her as Jesus does the church which you both are a part of. Love her as you would love yourself. Most important part to remember....."DON'T TAKE IT BACK AND FIGURE YOU CAN'T DO IT BETTER THEN THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE!" Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

    Much of what I've written is done in a general context. The reason, it is so, is except for what you've written, I really don't know either of you. Example: children? does she work? what are the relationships of both of your parents like? Married still, widowed, divorced etc. The reason the latter is important is that many preconceived notions of marriage are set by the examples we have seen in others. Normally, the ones that are close to us when we're growing up or esteem highly as examples of what marriage should or should not be affect us the greatest later in life. (Happened with my wife & me.)

    You've been given some great advice here on things to do. Trying to reignite the passion of your marriage is one way. Another, you might find to be a bit more difficult but even more important which is to "Listen!" Come home and as trying a day as you might have had. As much as you want some quiet time, or want to get things off your chest as well. Start with "let me get us something to drink and you can tell me all about your day." Take it outside if it's nice. At the kitchen table, even if you have to take things off it to find a clean spot. Shoot on the carpet, or a patch of dirt, and pat the spot next to you for her to sit down. If she's too agitated to sit you sit and watch her pace. Most important is listen! You probably don't even have to comment, unless she says something like "are you listening to me?" Then your answer is what? "Of cause. What can I do to help?" She may look at you like you're crazy, but then you might say "Honey (or what ever special name you might have for her) you know I love you. What can I do to help?" Be sincere brother! If it's hard to be sometimes, then ask God to help you. Show concern, and be dedicated in making this happen.

    1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

    Don't get the above passage wrong dear brother. Many versions will describe it as exactly as most see it. That the woman is weaker than the man. I've looked at this verse and feel moved to tell you that this isn't saying that she's the weaker vessel! " honour unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel...." If you know a little of women, you will realize that they are anything but weak, at least no more so, than any of us, be we man or woman. What are we together? "heirs" Not one first and the other second; "together".

    Remember, Christ Jesus went all the way to the Cross, for not only you, but for your wife as well! Can we do less for one he so loves, who just happens to be the one we also love?

    I could probably go on and on, but I'd start repeating myself. Just remember that leadership, doesn't always require words. You may also lead by example even if you don't think it's getting through, trust me women don't miss much! They just don't let on much

    My prayers are with you both my brother.

    P.S. For those women at work or anywhere else that seems to give you the thought that they could be or are better than your wife, besides the fact that God placed your wife in your life and not them as spouse. Don't ever think that the grass is greener on the other side. It too will need to be mowed.

    I will leave you with this. After 30 yrs and looking at my wife now with the increased wrinkles, all grey hair. She is even more beautiful to me then when I first met her! I also don't spare in telling her that either! You shouldn't either!

    Your wife is not the person you first married. She won't in 10 years be the person that she is now. We all change. Just allow the change in you be a Spirit led one, and with your prayers, so will the changes in your wife.

    Don't look down. Look up!!!!!:angelfly:
  9. #9 Ferrer, Aug 17, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2013
    continue to trust in god
  10. #10 Chad, Aug 17, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2015

    Hope things have improved for you. I'd like to ask you a few questions:

    Do you both attend church?

    Have you and your wife sought counseling with your pastor or Christian marriage counselor?

    What initially drew you to your wife?

    Have you asked yourself how you can improve yourself without focusing on her flaws? In other words, from the inside out.

    Remember that the husband is the head of the wife. You are responsible as a spiritual leader if your household to keep things together and the family spiritually in touch with The Lord.

    And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” (Ephesians 5:21-31)
  11. She looking for you to comfort Her and Do something to prove you really Love Her. all mankind is looking for Love. She wants to be with you .
    Get alone with Her , Then Ask Her can You pray for Her and Your marriage and Your child? She will say yes. Then Lead Her to her knees ,lay hands on Her and pray for Her and Your marriage and child ,. She will never forget that . It will bring healing .

    Marriage is Holy too GOD . A spiritual jointing that is greater than any flesh feelings .
  12. #12 farout, Aug 19, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2013

    Briefly, You are looking for trouble when you talk to other women about your marriage problems! You say you don't want a divorce, then keep away from other women! When you say "There are strong temptations to cheat on my wife since our marraige is miserable". What you are really saying is you want to "use " these women for sex ! There is no love in your thoughts. If you find these other women 'more attractive and spiritual' and that they "treat me with respect and appreciate me." Here is my suggestion, You need to resign your position at church at once !! You have no real love for your wife, you have betrayed her trust in you by talking about her with those other women. Read again what Malachi 2:1--17. You have a wife that you do not deserve to ask your wife to respect you. Asking her to follow your leading in Bible Study and prayer is a joke. God does not hear your prayers when you have betrayed her love. You are to love her as Jesue loves the church !! You need to repent, get on your knees and ask God to forgive you and become a real husband ! You are getting the results of being unfaithful, a sad, and deeply lonely wife. Unless you change and become a GODLY man and remember the Covenent you made to God between your wife, there will be a price to pay. Do you not see how wrong you are ?

    Don'y cry about three short years of a hard time in your marriage. Do you not think some men have loved their wife and seen then through years of sickness, and many other problems ? So your sex life is not exactly as you want. What have you done to make sure you have done all you can to please her...first ? You treat her like a queen and you will become a king. You need to learn to love, and that takes much more than 3 years.

    Not one of those attractive, spiritual women, should listen to your complaining and disrespecting your wife. Would Jesus not tell you to show her the love He has for you over the years ? Unless you see how wrong you are, and how wrong you are doing, You are indeed going to get a divorce, by your own chBecome Christ for your wife. Restore her, love her ! Read 1 Crointhians 13, then tell me she is at fault. I have seen to many marriages fail because the husband took the easy way out because they did not obey what God told a husband to be. Now go serve your King and love your wife.

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