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If you have a weak constitution for sexual perversion do not read

Discussion in 'Counseling' started by pookiejr, Jul 13, 2017.

  1. I have several sexual faults to confess.
    James 5:16
    Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

    1 John 1:8-9
    8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

    So I just came clean to God that I have issues, deep seated issues. As I confessed to God the various things that I was doing against His will I eventually came across a very big fault.

    First, I started confessing that I was living as a ***** before Him, Realizing that was outside of His order, and reaping the reward for it. I have not committed fornication in over a decade, but I was lusting after people in my heart as well as staying a friend with benefits with one of the members at my church. I tried to use this to get what I "needed" sexually, but then, after the guilt of hooking up, I would suggest marriage to prevent getting in trouble for what we were doing, and was rejected (I wonder why *eyeroll*). The guilt was so great that we could not hook up on Saturday night (like normal people) but it was not great enough to stop us from doing our dirt after church (you know, so we wont feel bad during church service). I felt justified in getting angry at him for wanting to see other people, but then wanting to kiss and touch me, but that was, all things considered, what I had signed up for.

    Then I confessed that I had a mental pornography problem for at least 20 years (28 at the time of confession) and a malice problem (If I can't bring myself to have a sex related fantasy with you [including "implied sex" fantasies like being pregnant] I will fantasize an argument or a verbal beatdown). This is difficult because, unlike regular pornography, it was with people I know (I would fantasize about them, having a close bond with me, but we never talked much in person, and when we did, I was usually a jerk to them) This is something that I considered to "get me through" hard times in my life. It started out with wanting to kiss individuals, then it grew to the level of having a male harem with boys from ages 9 to 16 (I was about nine myself at the time). But then I stared getting an understanding of the word of God, and still used it used the "parameters" of the Word to justify it. I could fall into the arms of a loving man, have children with him and kill him (and our children) in an accident. and fall into the arms of another man (in case you didn't notice, this allowed a quasi biblical justification for sleeping with multiple partners)

    Then the bombshell, I was so sexually open to anything that The fallen world doesn't even have an official term for it yet, but it seems like omnisexual paraphiliac (paraphiliac omnisexual?) fits the bill. What does this mean? I once had an associate in high school tell me that I liked anything that breathed: it goes beyond that. I can be attracted to men, women, children, cartoon characters, videogame avatars, animal and every such abomination that I choose (I can't call it standards, more like criterion). Now, there are some people who have told me that "as long as you don't act on it it is not a problem," but even my hypocritical hiney knows that that is a lie from the pits of hell going against the very words of Jesus:

    Matthew 5:27-28
    27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28 but I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

    Since I knew I would get in trouble for liking boys (I was whupped for telling the children choir that I liked a particular boy) I would think about girls because, "there's nothing in the bible against that, Right? (consider that this is before I really read the word, but the habit stuck). I would have fantasies about men who turn into horses to justify my desire to mentally experience horse wee-wee. (that in and of itself sounds like witchcraft and satanism, but I digress). I would stare too long while changing a diaper. I would play as a videogame character who I wanted to be real and whisk me into the woods (for nefarious activities of course) I had a murder rape fantasy where I raped and/or castrated (with a cheese grater no less) and bled out people who I considered to be "objects of my affection" (gross, but smh@irony).

    And doing all of this for over 20 years, while being in the choir (through childhood to adulthood), children church assistant (teen to present, which makes since that I would not want to teach sometimes), pastor's aid committee, church kitchen crew (as an adult), women's mission (Ruth circle and Young living witnesses as a child) actively involved in sunday school (especially as an adult) VBS assistant (no wonder I never chose to be in a teaching capacity)

    Going back to the beginning of my lust affair with my fellow church member, I really didn't care about him, I was angry about the fact that he didn't help me finish my wicked imagination via marriage (and then let me torture him *look up "confused black girl" since there is not emote that can express the amount of backwards that my thoughts contained*.) He would tell me that I was crazy sometimes, and unfortunately, he was right.

    These issues are things that I would deal with on and off, when I realized that I had to spiritually be there for my siblings, I would cut it out: major family issues going down? I would drop it and lean into God. Mad at someone for breaking my heart? I would drop it, Lean into God, and them push Him away at the opportunity of nefarious activity (especially after moving out of the spiritual war zone that was my parent's house, I took enjoying sexual pleasure as my reward for trying to make sure that my entire family wasn't thrust into hell, not realizing that I was now zip-lining my way there without them.) God has blessed to be at ease, that I would be able to fully enjoy him as I desired (or claimed to desire) when I was living with my family, but instead I cheated on him.

    Because I am not a person who gets told that they are beautiful or desirable often, I thought that God was protecting me from people who wanted to hurt me, I don't believe I have taken thought that He was probably protecting them from me.

    Now I don't really know what to do, I would like kids, I would like to be married when they are conceived, and I would like to have meaningful friendships out side of my marriage (because God called us to be a body, and I don't want to overtax people) but when you have used your fantasy world in place of social interaction, its hard; especially when you had a mental argument, and possibly make up sex, with a person that you would like to talk to, but you cant. Its hard for me to talk to people I know especially, because I feel like they know that something is wrong with me and don't want to be around me.


    Well... there is something wrong with me, and this is it.

    I confessed it, and now I need prayer, to complete my healing, knowing that I will have forgiveness from God.

    This is long, so if you have any questions, comments, concerns, complaints, advice, feel free to share.

    If you no longer desire to communicate with me, I don't blame you.

    Thanks,
    Nai
     
  2. Praying for you pookie.
    Its hard to come clean but you are humbling yourself and God sees that. May He do a work in you.

    This is what you can do.
    Cast down vain imaginations and bring every thought captive to Christ.

    Say you have a thought or a fantasy..bring it to christ. If its not honoring to Him chuck in the bin where it belongs, dont hold on to it. It might be you start having a full garbage bin by the end of the day, well empty it. Then feed on His word, think of pure and lovely thoughts, things that are true and of good report.

    Think of it like waste management. You look in some homes and they look like a tip because people cant bring themselves to throw or cast anything away. They full of junk! Is this what its like in your temple? Some housecleaning is in order, and the ability to say NO to just mindlessly buying everything you see, some people buy things just cos its cheap and they just want stuff even if they have nowhere to put it and no way to look after it. Well you CAN say NO. JEsus was tempted for sure but he just said to satan get lost.
     
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  3. Know you are not alone I know of a some people who have gone through simular if not worse things it's good to see you confess it here but you need to confess it to God and let him heal and forgive you for this.....If you hold on to the guilt of it then you are not giving it to God.
    I almost had two online emotional affairs 8 years ago so I know how easy it is to get into the sin of perversion in it's multiple forms .
    The best thing I did was go to the Lord and then go too the two men and their wifves (in my case it was necessary ) and break off all ties.
    If you can't break this lust affair then I suggest that you find a different church get deeper into Gods word and seek biblical counsel from a Pastor or strong spiritual ,Godly christian mentor thats what I did......oh the devil will tempt you he still tries with me but I am learning scriptures like.....
    Philippians 2:5King James Version (KJV)
    5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
    There are many others I just had to copy this one because I couldn't remember the reference.......pray stay in pray as often as you can
     
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  4. Thank you for your kind words experience, and sharing of the scripture. I believe that I can, but only through walking through the power of God in me. Pray for my standing in the Lord. The thing is, while we have not physically done anything in over a year, we have not been lead to leave our church. So that option is not really in the question at the moment. Still thank you for your sharing :)
     
  5. Thank you for praying, admonishing and advice.
     
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  7. #8 Jesus_is_LORD, Jul 14, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2017
    Romans 8:1 " There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit"

    Praying for you my sister. No need to wait, No condemnation starts now. There is NOW no condemnation. Not no condemnation tomorrow, or condemnation next week. But NOW, there is NOW no condemnation for those who walk after the spirit and not the flesh. It's a tough battle, I know. I went from battling, daily ,to battling weekly, to battling daily, to battling hourly, now I'm back to battling weekly.

    The key is to endure, "But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved." - Matthew 24:13
    But as we battle, we should know that we are not strong enough to bear the load, we actually can't bear any load.
    Our work is one of faithfulness and believing in the promises of God to free us from sin. Jesus will bear the load and we need to
    rest in His Love and just keep believing.

    "Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved." - Psalms 55:22

    "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." - Matthew 11:28:28

    "Then they asked him, "What must we do to do the works God requires? Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."
    - John 6:28-29
     
  8. Hello pookiejr. My very good Brother and friend asked me to check in to your thread to see if I can help you. For 40 years I was the Pastor of three Baptist Churches. For 30 of those years I was a Christian Psychologist. Actually, the Holy Spirit is the real Counselor and He's my Boss when I'm counseling someone like yourself.

    I will be praying to my Master Jesus about if He thinks I can help you. Jesus loves you very much pookie, He may use me or someone else. Already some of the Forum folks have given good advise.

    Before I make up my mind, I need to know all about your Salvation experience. When were you saved? How were you saved, and where were you saved.

    There is no cost for my counsel since I'm retired now at 77 years old. I love helping people to come out of their old life into the freedom that Jesus offers in a new life. Freely I receive from the Holy Spirit, freely I give to all I'm counseling these days.

    Of course I need to know if you want my counsel?

    In Jesus I love you,
    Chopper
     
  9. #10 Dave M, Jul 15, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2017
    Sister go to fasting and praying for healing and it will come. Your confession has already started your healing. Praying forr you now.
     
  10. Thank you for sharing the word, reminding me of the love of God. Tis appreciated.
     
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  11. I don't mind counsel, the word says that the wise seek counsel :)

    All I remember is that I was saved when I was 8. I don't quite recall my initial salvation, but I recall the works that followed after. There were various times where I would see unrighteousness and would admonish with the word, only to be entreated angrily. After that point I was like "fine, if my elders don't care, why should I ?" I would go back and forward, knowing that I had siblings to lead, that I was signing to an audience of one (children's choir) and that God was the only one who could stop when evil spirits were whispering in the ears of my examples, but still.
     
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  12. Thank you, thank you and thank you.
     
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  13. Thank you pookiejr for your reply. It has been my experience over the last 45 years of counseling families and individuals that claims of Salvation before the age of 12 can be deceiving because of the deceiving one, Satan....

    This parable of Jesus will help to explain how I and God's Spirit can help you.... Luke 8:11 "Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God.
    8:12 The ones along the path are those who have heard; then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved."


    Here is what I believe happened to you. Now, humanly speaking, I could be wrong. Spiritually speaking, this is the Truth. At 8 years old, you were on the pathway to life, and somehow you heard the Gospel and the power of that message caused you to agree and perhaps those around you said that you were saved.

    Satan comes along and.... "takes away the word from their (your) hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved.".... Life for you at the point, that you thought you were saved, proves the validity of whether the Holy Spirit entered your body and brought about works of righteousness or the devil closed the door to the Holy Spirit and your life (works) were anything but righteous. from your own testimony of an immoral lifestyle, the possibility of your not being truly saved is a real possibility.

    Lets not let that old devil deceive you any longer! Jesus wants you to be truly His Bride, to know beyond a shadow of doubt that you belong to Him and to be Baptized in the Holy Spirit with His power to live for Jesus in a new Born Again life, but also to have the power of the Holy Spirit in you to work miracles thru you.

    Are you ready for a complete change in your future? Are you ready for the power of the Holy Spirit to work thru you to help others trapped by the devil like you were? LET ME KNOW, AND WE'LL CONTINUE.

    Love You,
    Chopper
     
  14. I would like That, However, I am confused. If the possibility of me not being saved reigns true, would this mean that I should get baptized again (since I guess that, from what I understand you are saying, the first time it was not a work of belief, but just being dunked in water?.) Or is this a matter of the Spirit?

    Thank you, sorry for the questions though,
    Nai
     
  15. Thank you for your questions. That's what I'm here for Nai. Yes. this will be a genuine Born Again experience for you. From start to finish Baptism. It all has to be real and it must come from your heart and knowledge of what Jesus did for you on the Cross.

    I'll talk you thru it, and you will feel the power of the Holy Spirit, I promise.
     
  16. Alright, lets do it.
     
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  17. Thank you.
     
  18. Update:

    So, after the time that I have posted this, God has ben hearing me confess a lot of my faults all day, as well as hearing me thank Him For Jesus and everything that he entails and lots of other things. That has helped a great deal. I thank God for all of the prayers that have gone up, and wise counsel that has been/is being given. I am grateful for the Body of Christ coming together on my behalf.

    Glory to God and thanks to you all,

    Nai
     
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