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I am ready to end my life..

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New Member
Hello, I would like to begin saying that my username is completely unrelated to my actual name and that I am keeping my identity a secret. The only information I will say is - I am a 17 year old girl living in London.

I don’t know where to begin as my whole life is a mess and constructing my life into a few paragraphs will take a while. I will begin to describe my life so that you are all able to see where i come from and then begin to involve Jesus and how it relates to my life.

I would like to begin with saying that ever since I was young I struggled with confidence issues - i am a black female - and when I was younger ( As young as 10) having light skin was praised heavily making me hate myself as a person and always looked for “remedies” to bleach my skin. I hated the skin that I was in and i was called ugly during Year 7 - 9. (7th and 9th grade for Americans).
But as soon as I reached Year 10 I began to grow into my face and wear make up which is when I started to be praised for my looks which was something, until this day, I was never use to. I get called beautiful a lot now but I am still sometimes unable to see the beauty within me as I compare myself to other girls a lot. The biggest trend amongst the young people as of now is having a big bum and breast and you are deemed as more “desirable” if you have both of those traits and those are two things that I lack in considering I am quite slim and small in statue ( 5’4 1/2). I often find myself comparing myself to others a lot. One day I will love myself and the other days I will avoid looking into the mirror completely as what I see in the mirror disgusts me.

Growing up, I had and still do have a violent mum. Even though I am 17, she still puts her hands on me and disrespects me extremely.
During secondary school (High school) in the UK, you take these exams called “GCSES” which determine whether you can actually attend college or not. I received mostly C’s and one B and my mum was absolutely devasted as I was one of the most smartest people in my classes yet I got those results. She called me stupid among other things which hurt my feelings tremendously and also beat me senselessly.

As of recently, at college which is “year 12” I was studying biology, chemistry and sociology which I was extremely happy about but ended up failing the end of year exams. I got an A in biology but failed my other 2 courses and I have to retake the year which means I will be going to university a year late and in able for me to do that , I changed my courses and I am still studying biology and sociology but changed my third course. I was going to eventually tell my mum but she ended up finding out anyways and began to beat me for failing and said I was beyond stupid and that there is no point in me attending college and I should become a drop out since I’m so stupid. Everything she said hurt a lot and so I begun to cry as it hurt my feelings so much. She always tells me that God says “Parents are like your God in human form” and if she says that she doesn’t want me to progress in life it will actually happen and she says continuously that she wants me to fail in life and I will go nowhere and that I am not smart enough to be successful but yet she continuously says she is a Christian but what Christian person who follows Jesus will say things like this to their child...

I have also been struggling to find a job. I have handed in my CV in multiple places but yet I never get a reply. I have only gotten two interviews ever even though I have applied in over 30+ places.

I feel like I have no friends. Most people will consider me “ a popular girl” yet I feel like I have no one beside me truely. I had 2 best friends but I fell out with one and I have become very distant with the other one. I always put peoples happiness before mine and it was one of the worst decisions I’ve made. There have been a lot of occasions where friends have hurt me in such ways but I will forgive them or try to move on but it’s so hard and in the end I feel like I have no one. People have betrayed me or talked bad about me and it really does hurt. I have 2 friends that I attend college with who I have known for over 7 years but yet I always still feel so left out even when I’m with them.

In able to focus on myself, i deleted social social media almost a month ago, so I can truely see who my real friends are and to focus on God yet I still feel like this journey is going nowhere. I don’t feel Gods presence and I even purchased a bible but yet even though I pray before reading the bible I don’t feel ... some type of “enlightenment” when reading it and become distracted. I feel like he is not listening to me. God discusses forgiveness in the bible so I messaged people who I am not on good terms with and told them I forgive them and k am ready to move on. After that, i felt great about myself but then soon after I began to feel stupid and thought “why would I even do that, when they wouldn’t do that to me?”

I am so broken and damaged and very depressed and have considered suicide on a few occasions. I am never happy and my mind is never at ease. I wake up and instantly I feel a wave of sadness and I feel like Satan is starting to take over my life. I am really considering suicide as I have no one to talk to apart from my younger sister but sometimes I even feel like she doesn’t understand where I come from..

I see so many people flourishing in life even without attending college or university and I become so envious and angry at the fact that I can not be like that. I want to be saved. I want to be loved by Jesus. What am I doing wrong? I want to feel his presence and be able to talk to him directly and not through a priest. I am so frustrated and hate myself so much. I am such a failure in life. I am filled with such anger, hate and disappointment when all I want to be is happy.
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New Member
Hello My Name is Allyson Collicott. I'm from Canada I'm age 24. The beginning of my life was also a mess. Abuse, bullied, self hate, I felt alone. When I was 13 I tried to end my life but as I did I was overwhelmed with the thought of going to hell. Immediately I prayed for God to help me and I told my mom we went to the hospital she seemed more angry than concerned. This cycle of self hate continued for many years. It lead to alcohol, drugs, sex. So many things to fill a void in my life from such a rough childhood. But I want you to know that Jesus is real and so is Satan. But Just know JESUS loves you so much.

Here is the comfort Jesus offers and you can see in these verses
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:29
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

But here we can also see Jesus telling us the Hate Satan has for us

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

You need to understand there is a war going on for your soul right now. The devil will use anybody including family to destroy you. Anyone can say they are a christian
but if their actions show otherwise they are mistaken and must repent. The devil wants to take you out young so that God will not be able to use you as a vessel.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

This bible verse shows that God can use you how you are. You have a purpose in this life. Your story with the help of Jesus can save many souls of people
who feel the same way you do right now. Jesus loves you so much. You don't need a priest to talk to him. Call out his name.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you DECLARES the Lord, Plans not to harm you but to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE.

If you are not certain you are saved please Just Call out to Jesus and say this

Dear Heavenly Father I come to you to ask for forgiveness for all the sins I have done
I confess with my mouth and believe in my heart that Jesus Christ is your Lord,
I believe that He died for my sins and that he rose again.
Please Lord come into life, change me & be my saviour.
I thank you for forgiving me & I accept your free gift of life.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

If you said this prayer and believed with all your heart and soul Then you are surely saved and it is a journey of Grace for you now because You are a child of God.
His gift is free & from here you just need to obey the commandments but with others as a christian we do get tempted and make mistakes but God is surely to forgive if we repent it is a constant daily battle of maturing in Christ and we are to share the gospel This may sound scary because you may wonder what others may think of you but trust me don't waste your time worrying about things that don't matter I wish I didn't waste so many years caring. Time we can never get back and with God's help and the realization that so many souls need Jesus, the more you fall in love with God the more the pleasures of this world seem like nothing.

The bible says to pray for your enemies even if your enemy is your mom. There is hope. My relationship with my mom was awful she would hit me too. But I truly forgave her and prayed for her. Our relationship is better than it has ever been and I praise God for that. He helped me forgive people who hurt me because he forgave me why shouldn't I forgive them. Hate is just as equal to murdering someone Jesus mentions in the bible.

I prayed for you as well that the veils will come off your eyes and that you will begin to comprehend the bible, that your relationship with your mother will turn around and that God will work in your life . I recommend starting in MATTHEW in the bible but I will also add a link to a youtube series that helps with understanding the bible and the way its written out. Its actually quite a nice video series

With that being said I love you and God loves you. Feel free to reach out to me on social media I provided my name it should be hard to find me :smile:
Active Member

Hi Engas,

You are my sister in Christ.

Mark 3:34 And he looked round about on them which sat about him, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! 35 For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother.

You belong and because of Jesus Christ being in you, you are never alone.

Matthew 28:20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

2 Corinthians 13:5 Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?

So do not seek for "feeling" His Presence around you; the fact that you believe in Jesus Christ and that God has raised Him from the dead proves He is in you as promised for all those that believe in Him.

Galatians 3:14 That the blessing of Abraham might come on the Gentiles through Jesus Christ; that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.....26 For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus.

Many believers today are being influenced by the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye, and the pride of life, and so we need His help not to "follow" the world's standard of what is acceptable in their eyes.

1 John 2:15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 17 And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.

We need His help to look beyond the outward appearance.

1 Samuel 16:7But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

2 Corinthians 10:7Do ye look on things after the outward appearance? if any man trust to himself that he is Christ's, let him of himself think this again, that, as he is Christ's, even so are we Christ's.

That even includes the social status of the person.

James 2:1My brethren, have not the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with respect of persons. 2 For if there come unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a poor man in vile raiment;
3 And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place; and say to the poor, Stand thou there, or sit here under my footstool: 4 Are ye not then partial in yourselves, and are become judges of evil thoughts?...……….8 If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, ye do well: 9 But if ye have respect to persons, ye commit sin, and are convinced of the law as transgressors.

As for the abuse from your mother...or any one else for that matter....

1 Peter 2:19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. 20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. 21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: 22 Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: 23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: 24 Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. 25 For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.

Matthew 5:43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? 48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

Maybe the Lord will lead you to one day ask your mother how she was treated by her parents. Maybe a word of encouragement to her is needed for all the things she has done for you in the past as well as that day would help by saying "thank you" to show your appreciation even for the little things. If your mother had ever told you to learn from your mistakes, then remind her that is what schooling is all about in getting an education. It is not about getting a judgment of oneself. Indeed, encourage her to pick up a hobby; even if it is something small like trying out a new recipe. Mistakes will be made, but if you lead by example in learning from your mistakes, maybe she will not be so ready to quit at her first failure.

I had recognized my limit in getting an education at college when I am deaf in my left ear and have tinnitus in my right ear. Teachers kept forgetting to face me when they speak and so I quit college the first semester. The failure is on their part and I did not have the money for their constant oversights. My high school had an hearing assistance program that helped me by being an authority that motivates them to remember. Only one teacher forgot sometimes. She tried though.

Anyway, I could go on to explain how pointless my life has become with all of my enemies, and the betrayals and the oppressions that I have received, and it will never end in this life that you might wonder why I have not gone postal or committed suicide, but I shall not because the important truth to remember is that Jesus Christ is in me and is with me always to help me walk me through this valley of death. It is interesting to see how He gets me through the day as He helps me to set my heart and treasure on the things above and not of the things of this life so that He has me ready to go in leaving this life behind when He appears as the Bridegroom to take the ready bride Home to the Marriage Supper.

Colossians 3:1If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. 2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. 3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. 5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: 6 For which things' sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience: 7 In the which ye also walked some time, when ye lived in them. 8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; 10 And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him: 11 Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all. 12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; 13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. 14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. 15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. 17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.

Only Christ Jesus as my Friend and Good Shepherd can help me to follow Him which is why I rely on Him all the time for following Him, and to forgive me when I slip and help me not to do it again. So trust in Him today for all things, and He may help you to see Him working in your life where He reminds you to stop thinking about sex to think about good things and more importantly, the things above. I love you as a brother in Christ Jesus's name, Engas.
Loyal Member
Engas, from your opening post there's a lot to celebrate. You have experienced physical, sexual and emotional abuse and yet you have the strength to persevere through disappointment in your exams.

There's no way that anybody with an A at A level can be described as stupid. You write very insightfully about yourself. And you are aware of how much the messages of others has affected your view of yourself.

The pain you feel now will not last for ever, if it feels too much to bear now.

If you were my daughter, I'd be bursting with pride.

Keep going. Reach out to people that can help you. Trust in Jesus.

With prayers
New Member
Hello everyone. I have been reading your messages and i will admit when i first read them i became emotional at the fact that there are strangers who are here willing to give advice and it really touched me. Things dont seem to be getting any better with my mum as she has been starting arguments with me non stop everyday and will wake me up at 4/5 am everyday just to yell at me and tell me how i useless i am and compare me to others. i had a very big argument with her today and she did hurt me a couple of times and ended up smashing my phone to the point where its no longer usable. The suicidal thoughts are getting worse more and more everyday but i always keep everyone who replied here and Jesus in mind and think of this as a way of the devil trying to trick me. Thank you all for your kind words. I really do appreciate it..
My daughter killed herself when she was 19 and I never told her she was useless only that I loved her. Your mother just doesn't understand how fortunate she is that she has you. Quit letting her upset you. Feel sorry for her and be the best you that you can be. None of the rest of all of us mere humans can be you for you. I wonder if you are still here, at TJ and earth, if so I'd enjoy hearing.

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