I am ready to die...

New Member
Hello, I would like to begin saying that my username is completely unrelated to my actual name and that I am keeping my identity a secret. The only information I will say is - I am a 17 year old girl living in London.


I don’t know where to begin as my whole life is a mess and constructing my life into a few paragraphs will take a while. I will begin to describe my life so that you are all able to see where i come from and then begin to involve Jesus and how it relates to my life.

I would like to begin with saying that ever since I was young I struggled with confidence issues - i am a black female - and when I was younger ( As young as 10) having light skin was praised heavily making me hate myself as a person and always looked for “remedies” to bleach my skin. I hated the skin that I was in and i was called ugly during Year 7 - 9. (7th and 9th grade for Americans).
But as soon as I reached Year 10 I began to grow into my face and wear make up which is when I started to be praised for my looks which was something, until this day, I was never use to. I get called beautiful a lot now but I am still sometimes unable to see the beauty within me as I compare myself to other girls a lot. The biggest trend amongst the young people as of now is having a big bum and breast and you are deemed as more “desirable” if you have both of those traits and those are two things that I lack in considering I am quite slim and small in statue ( 5’4 1/2). I often find myself comparing myself to others a lot. One day I will love myself and the other days I will avoid looking into the mirror completely as what I see in the mirror disgusts me.

At a quite young age, I was exposed to porn and sex and I feel so disgusted with myself as I have become hyper sexual even though I am a virgin. I think about sex constantly and what it would be like to finally do it and I’m just so disgusted at myself and I always think it has to do with the fact that I would always catch parents having sex and my cousins friend molested me when I was around 9/10. At the time, I didn’t see it as a bad thing even though I was quite uncomfortable but after growing up and learning about sensitive topics such as that, I begun to realise that it was indeed molestation.

Growing up, I had and still do have a violent mum. Even though I am 17, she still puts her hands on me and disrespects me extremely.
During secondary school (High school) in the UK, you take these exams called “GCSES” which determine whether you can actually attend college or not. I received mostly C’s and one B and my mum was absolutely devasted as I was one of the most smartest people in my classes yet I got those results. She called me stupid among other things which hurt my feelings tremendously and also beat me senselessly.

As of recently, at college which is “year 12” I was studying biology, chemistry and sociology which I was extremely happy about but ended up failing the end of year exams. I got an A in biology but failed my other 2 courses and I have to retake the year which means I will be going to university a year late and in able for me to do that , I changed my courses and I am still studying biology and sociology but changed my third course. I was going to eventually tell my mum but she ended up finding out anyways and began to beat me for failing and said I was beyond stupid and that there is no point in me attending college and I should become a drop out since I’m so stupid. Everything she said hurt a lot and so I begun to cry as it hurt my feelings so much. She always tells me that God says “Parents are like your God in human form” and if she says that she doesn’t want me to progress in life it will actually happen and she says continuously that she wants me to fail in life and I will go nowhere .

I feel like I have no friends. Most people will consider me “ a popular girl” yet I feel like I have no one beside me truely. I had 2 best friends but I fell out with one and I have become very distant with the other one. I always put peoples happiness before mine and it was one of the worst decisions I’ve made. There have been a lot of occasions where friends have hurt me in such ways but I will forgive them or try to move on but it’s so hard and in the end I feel like I have no one. People have betrayed me or talked bad about me and it really does hurt. I have 2 friends that I attend college with who I have known for over 7 years but yet I always still feel so left out even when I’m with them.

In able to focus on myself, i deleted some social media almost a month ago, so I can truely see who my real friends are and to focus on God yet I still feel like this journey is going nowhere. I don’t feel Gods presence and I even purchased a bible but yet even though I pray before reading the bible I don’t feel ... some type of “enlightenment” when reading it and become distracted. I feel like he is not listening to me. I am so broken and damaged and very depressed and have considered suicide on a few occasions. I am never happy and my mind is never at ease. I wake up and instantly I feel a wave of sadness and I feel like Satan is starting to take over my life. I am really considering suicide as I have no one to talk to apart from my younger sister but sometimes I even feel like she doesn’t understand where I come from..

I see so many people flourishing in life even without attending college or university and I become so envious and angry at the fact that I can not be like that. I want to be saved. I want to be loved by Jesus. What am I doing wrong? I want to feel his presence and be able
 
Moderator
Staff member
Greetings @Engas

Welcome to Talk Jesus.

I see you are the tender age of 17. My two eldest daughters are aged 16 and 17 and I can certainly identify how difficult it can be growing up in a world where image, body weight and success are placed so highly.

Engas, there is hope and that hope does not depend upon you nor how you feel...our hope as Christians is Jesus. He died to save us from our sins and offers a free gift of Salvation.
It makes no difference who you are, what your skin colour is, what you have done......He will accept you just as you are.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
John 3:16


But God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8


....and him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out.
John 6:37


I can tell you from my whole heart that this is absolutely true for Jesus saved me and has never ever failed me.

You'll never know real peace till you know Jesus,
No matter how or where you try;
For life is but loss without Him-
Jesus, Jesus.
He died on Calv'ry's cross to gain our pardon,
He rose to justify;
He is coming soon to take us,
to reign with Him on high*




*Wendell Loveless....Christian Song
 

Jim

Hello, I would like to begin saying that my username is completely unrelated to my actual name and that I am keeping my identity a secret. The only information I will say is - I am a 17 year old girl living in London.


I don’t know where to begin as my whole life is a mess and constructing my life into a few paragraphs will take a while. I will begin to describe my life so that you are all able to see where i come from and then begin to involve Jesus and how it relates to my life.

I would like to begin with saying that ever since I was young I struggled with confidence issues - i am a black female - and when I was younger ( As young as 10) having light skin was praised heavily making me hate myself as a person and always looked for “remedies” to bleach my skin. I hated the skin that I was in and i was called ugly during Year 7 - 9. (7th and 9th grade for Americans).
But as soon as I reached Year 10 I began to grow into my face and wear make up which is when I started to be praised for my looks which was something, until this day, I was never use to. I get called beautiful a lot now but I am still sometimes unable to see the beauty within me as I compare myself to other girls a lot. The biggest trend amongst the young people as of now is having a big bum and breast and you are deemed as more “desirable” if you have both of those traits and those are two things that I lack in considering I am quite slim and small in statue ( 5’4 1/2). I often find myself comparing myself to others a lot. One day I will love myself and the other days I will avoid looking into the mirror completely as what I see in the mirror disgusts me.

At a quite young age, I was exposed to porn and sex and I feel so disgusted with myself as I have become hyper sexual even though I am a virgin. I think about sex constantly and what it would be like to finally do it and I’m just so disgusted at myself and I always think it has to do with the fact that I would always catch parents having sex and my cousins friend molested me when I was around 9/10. At the time, I didn’t see it as a bad thing even though I was quite uncomfortable but after growing up and learning about sensitive topics such as that, I begun to realise that it was indeed molestation.

Growing up, I had and still do have a violent mum. Even though I am 17, she still puts her hands on me and disrespects me extremely.
During secondary school (High school) in the UK, you take these exams called “GCSES” which determine whether you can actually attend college or not. I received mostly C’s and one B and my mum was absolutely devasted as I was one of the most smartest people in my classes yet I got those results. She called me stupid among other things which hurt my feelings tremendously and also beat me senselessly.

As of recently, at college which is “year 12” I was studying biology, chemistry and sociology which I was extremely happy about but ended up failing the end of year exams. I got an A in biology but failed my other 2 courses and I have to retake the year which means I will be going to university a year late and in able for me to do that , I changed my courses and I am still studying biology and sociology but changed my third course. I was going to eventually tell my mum but she ended up finding out anyways and began to beat me for failing and said I was beyond stupid and that there is no point in me attending college and I should become a drop out since I’m so stupid. Everything she said hurt a lot and so I begun to cry as it hurt my feelings so much. She always tells me that God says “Parents are like your God in human form” and if she says that she doesn’t want me to progress in life it will actually happen and she says continuously that she wants me to fail in life and I will go nowhere .

I feel like I have no friends. Most people will consider me “ a popular girl” yet I feel like I have no one beside me truely. I had 2 best friends but I fell out with one and I have become very distant with the other one. I always put peoples happiness before mine and it was one of the worst decisions I’ve made. There have been a lot of occasions where friends have hurt me in such ways but I will forgive them or try to move on but it’s so hard and in the end I feel like I have no one. People have betrayed me or talked bad about me and it really does hurt. I have 2 friends that I attend college with who I have known for over 7 years but yet I always still feel so left out even when I’m with them.

In able to focus on myself, i deleted some social media almost a month ago, so I can truely see who my real friends are and to focus on God yet I still feel like this journey is going nowhere. I don’t feel Gods presence and I even purchased a bible but yet even though I pray before reading the bible I don’t feel ... some type of “enlightenment” when reading it and become distracted. I feel like he is not listening to me. I am so broken and damaged and very depressed and have considered suicide on a few occasions. I am never happy and my mind is never at ease. I wake up and instantly I feel a wave of sadness and I feel like Satan is starting to take over my life. I am really considering suicide as I have no one to talk to apart from my younger sister but sometimes I even feel like she doesn’t understand where I come from..

I see so many people flourishing in life even without attending college or university and I become so envious and angry at the fact that I can not be like that. I want to be saved. I want to be loved by Jesus. What am I doing wrong? I want to feel his presence and be able
Hello,

I am not a teenager and I am not young. My wife of over 45 years and I have 4 adult children and 6 grandchildren. However, when I was young my family life was horrid from about the age of 15. As to School, I barely attended. I won’t go into any details about the negatives of that part of my life. I must say that up until well into my 15th year I had a good family life. Christ was always with me even when I was unaware of His presence. Shortly after high school and my first semester at a major university, I joined the navy and got married. The church was our social life. After the service, I went back to the university and got my B.S in mechanical engineering with a guarantee of acceptance into their medical school. My wife was tired of school so I did not pursue my medical degree. Our family attended church regularly and all of our children strongly profess Christ. However, my life was far from being in line with Christ and His teaching. Shortly after my 36th birthday, God The Father called me. I can’t explain this but it is very real. I was led into a fast that I knew little if anything about. On the third day of this fast, I opened my old Bible and my eyes were opened. I felt The Love of God and it was so strong that I don’t have the words to describe it. I’m well into my 64th year now and many Spiritual things have happened to me through these years. Please don’t give up on Christ. Please try to focus your life on Christ and pray as much as you are able. I am praying for you and God The Father has always answered my prayers. I can’t imagine what being a teenager is like to today but please don’t think about how you look. Your looks on the outside don’t matter. I know this is easy to say and hard to do. However, if you seek God The Father, He will Come to you. This is a promise in His Word. Blessed is he who waits on The Lord. Being patient is not easy but with a little faith on your side and focus on Christ, I know that you will be blessed. Keep yourself chaste with earnest prayer to do so. You will not be dissatisfied if you follow this advice. Your life is very important and the evil that is grasping for you does not want you coming to Christ. This might sound impossible but try to pray for your mother and tell her that you want Christ to direct your life. Your worldly education is unimportant. Your soul is the only possession you have that is of infinte value. If you can try to make Christ the focus of your life, the rest of your life He will direct and everything will come together for you in a miraculous way.

I’m praying for you.
 
Loyal Member
Two things:

First. God values you and loves you beyond all understanding. His image is hidden in you, he is on your side and would have all your beauty, life and potential shine out to the full. Here's an exercise: read one of the gospels from beginning to end. Which characters do you most easily identify with? What do they say and do? How does Jesus respond to them? For better or worse, not many people had access to a mirror in those days, so the issue of comparing appearance to others was not a big deal.

Second, find yourself a church where people can take an interest in you and give you the support you need. I might be able to recommend somewhere if you are happy to say which part of London you are in.

Life can be very, very tough. It can also be beautiful, wonderful. Hang in there.

With prayers
 
Active Member
Hi Engas,

You are my sister in Christ.

Mark 3:34 And he looked round about on them which sat about him, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! 35 For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother.


You belong and because of Jesus Christ being in you, you are never alone.

Matthew 28:20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

2 Corinthians 13:5 Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?

So do not seek for "feeling" His Presence around you; the fact that you believe in Jesus Christ and that God has raised Him from the dead proves He is in you as promised for all those that believe in Him.

Galatians 3:14 That the blessing of Abraham might come on the Gentiles through Jesus Christ; that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.....26 For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus.

Many believers today are being influenced by the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye, and the pride of life, and so we need His help not to "follow" the world's standard of what is acceptable in their eyes.

1 John 2:15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 17 And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.

We need His help to look beyond the outward appearance.

1 Samuel 16:7But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

2 Corinthians 10:7Do ye look on things after the outward appearance? if any man trust to himself that he is Christ's, let him of himself think this again, that, as he is Christ's, even so are we Christ's.

That even includes the social status of the person.

James 2:1My brethren, have not the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with respect of persons. 2 For if there come unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a poor man in vile raiment;
3 And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place; and say to the poor, Stand thou there, or sit here under my footstool: 4 Are ye not then partial in yourselves, and are become judges of evil thoughts?...……….8 If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, ye do well: 9 But if ye have respect to persons, ye commit sin, and are convinced of the law as transgressors.


As for the abuse from your mother...or any one else for that matter....

1 Peter 2:19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. 20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. 21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: 22 Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: 23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: 24 Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. 25 For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.


Matthew 5:43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? 48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

Maybe the Lord will lead you to one day ask your mother how she was treated by her parents. Maybe a word of encouragement to her is needed for all the things she has done for you in the past as well as that day would help by saying "thank you" to show your appreciation even for the little things. If your mother had ever told you to learn from your mistakes, then remind her that is what schooling is all about in getting an education. It is not about getting a judgment of oneself. Indeed, encourage her to pick up a hobby; even if it is something small like trying out a new recipe. Mistakes will be made, but if you lead by example in learning from your mistakes, maybe she will not be so ready to quit at her first failure.

I had recognized my limit in getting an education at college when I am deaf in my left ear and have tinnitus in my right ear. Teachers kept forgetting to face me when they speak and so I quit college the first semester. The failure is on their part and I did not have the money for their constant oversights. My high school had an hearing assistance program that helped me by being an authority that motivates them to remember. Only one teacher forgot sometimes. She tried though.

Anyway, I could go on to explain how pointless my life has become with all of my enemies, and the betrayals and the oppressions that I have received, and it will never end in this life that you might wonder why I have not gone postal or committed suicide, but I shall not because the important truth to remember is that Jesus Christ is in me and is with me always to help me walk me through this valley of death. It is interesting to see how He gets me through the day as He helps me to set my heart and treasure on the things above and not of the things of this life so that He has me ready to go in leaving this life behind when He appears as the Bridegroom to take the ready bride Home to the Marriage Supper.

Colossians 3:1If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. 2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. 3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. 5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: 6 For which things' sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience: 7 In the which ye also walked some time, when ye lived in them. 8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; 10 And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him: 11 Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all. 12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; 13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. 14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. 15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. 17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.

Only Christ Jesus as my Friend and Good Shepherd can help me to follow Him which is why I rely on Him all the time for following Him, and to forgive me when I slip and help me not to do it again. So trust in Him today for all things, and He may help you to see Him working in your life where He reminds you to stop thinking about sex to think about good things and more importantly, the things above. I love you as a brother in Christ Jesus's name, Engas.
 

Jim

Hello,

I am not a teenager and I am not young. My wife of over 45 years and I have 4 adult children and 6 grandchildren. However, when I was young my family life was horrid from about the age of 15. As to School, I barely attended. I won’t go into any details about the negatives of that part of my life. I must say that up until well into my 15th year I had a good family life. Christ was always with me even when I was unaware of His presence. Shortly after high school and my first semester at a major university, I joined the navy and got married. The church was our social life. After the service, I went back to the university and got my B.S in mechanical engineering with a guarantee of acceptance into their medical school. My wife was tired of school so I did not pursue my medical degree. Our family attended church regularly and all of our children strongly profess Christ. However, my life was far from being in line with Christ and His teaching. Shortly after my 36th birthday, God The Father called me. I can’t explain this but it is very real. I was led into a fast that I knew little if anything about. On the third day of this fast, I opened my old Bible and my eyes were opened. I felt The Love of God and it was so strong that I don’t have the words to describe it. I’m well into my 64th year now and many Spiritual things have happened to me through these years. Please don’t give up on Christ. Please try to focus your life on Christ and pray as much as you are able. I am praying for you and God The Father has always answered my prayers. I can’t imagine what being a teenager is like to today but please don’t think about how you look. Your looks on the outside don’t matter. I know this is easy to say and hard to do. However, if you seek God The Father, He will Come to you. This is a promise in His Word. Blessed is he who waits on The Lord. Being patient is not easy but with a little faith on your side and focus on Christ, I know that you will be blessed. Keep yourself chaste with earnest prayer to do so. You will not be dissatisfied if you follow this advice. Your life is very important and the evil that is grasping for you does not want you coming to Christ. This might sound impossible but try to pray for your mother and tell her that you want Christ to direct your life. Your worldly education is unimportant. Your soul is the only possession you have that is of infinte value. If you can try to make Christ the focus of your life, the rest of your life He will direct and everything will come together for you in a miraculous way.

I’m praying for you.
I have not read any further posts from you but I have continued to pray for you. If you have read my first response to your reach out for help, perhaps I didn’t help you in a way that registered. In my own life, I must focus on Christ as the center of my existence. I very much know that I cannot even stand without Him. Perhaps if you could find Christ centered music, the music could help. The world wants you and it doesn’t want you to come to Christ. Your unfortunate situation with your mother can only be helped by Christ. If you could be honest with your mom about how deeply she has hurt you, she very well might want to change. It very much sounds to me like your mom is in desperate need of Christ herself. Her own pain and suffering in this world seems to be reflected in how she has treated you. It is typically instinctual for a mother to love her children. I believe that your mother loves you and would be very sorry if she truly knew what you were going through. For you to take the first step by sharing with her the pain you are suffering as a result of her treatment to you, I strongly believe that it would grab her heart and very possibly pray with you. She is definitely not in any way a surrogate for God The Father in your life. She sounds like she needs Christ in her life desperately. As I recall, you do not know your father. If you try to consider the pain she feels about her own failures in life, it might help you deal with the harsh comments she has made to you. When you spoke of considering others problems ahead of your own, I thought that was wonderful on your part and not a negative in any way. That is a very Christian thing to do. Please pray about this by praying for God’s Will in your life in The Name of Christ. When worldly thoughts try to invade your thoughts, pray for Christ to protect you. Please at least consider what I’ve written. Some of the many people who have read your story are truly praying for you and have reached out to help you. That alone should give you hope I pray. Please try to give your heart to Christ. He will never let you down or leave you. Finding God The Father through Christ is the only reason that we are here.

Love in Christ!
 
Loyal Member
I see so many people flourishing in life even without attending college or university and I become so envious and angry at the fact that. I want to be saved. I want to be loved by Jesus. What am I doing wrong? I want to feel his presence and be able
I propose you separate the issues you dealing with and try focus one at a time. One issue = Relationship with Jesus. Second issue = Mother. Third issue = passing exams. Don't make Jesus / Christianity a rebound affair.

God is a jealous God Exo 34:14. Very jealous. You need to meditate on this fact. He is jealous because He really loves you. He wants a real and genuine relationship with you. He wants to be first in your life. He wants you to lay your life down for Him Matt 16:24. He has already done this for you John 3:16, John 15:13.

Basically, people don't feel or hear from God because they want a Mickey Mouse relationship with Him. God is not a fool. Deal with God properly, respectfully and you will see real results.

James 4:8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Remove all thoughts of suicide. When you are in a proper relationship with Jesus your life will be focused. God directs the steps of the righteous. Qualified or not qualified. God has a plan for your life.
 

Jim

I agree with your post about God The Father being a jealous God. For some reason, many people think they are doing God a favor by seeking Him out. That is not the way it is. Enga sounds like she is desperately seeking Christ to no avail. It also very much sounds like she is unequally yoked with so called friends. God’s Word is clear about not doing that.
 

Jim

Hello, I would like to begin saying that my username is completely unrelated to my actual name and that I am keeping my identity a secret. The only information I will say is - I am a 17 year old girl living in London.


I don’t know where to begin as my whole life is a mess and constructing my life into a few paragraphs will take a while. I will begin to describe my life so that you are all able to see where i come from and then begin to involve Jesus and how it relates to my life.

I would like to begin with saying that ever since I was young I struggled with confidence issues - i am a black female - and when I was younger ( As young as 10) having light skin was praised heavily making me hate myself as a person and always looked for “remedies” to bleach my skin. I hated the skin that I was in and i was called ugly during Year 7 - 9. (7th and 9th grade for Americans).
But as soon as I reached Year 10 I began to grow into my face and wear make up which is when I started to be praised for my looks which was something, until this day, I was never use to. I get called beautiful a lot now but I am still sometimes unable to see the beauty within me as I compare myself to other girls a lot. The biggest trend amongst the young people as of now is having a big bum and breast and you are deemed as more “desirable” if you have both of those traits and those are two things that I lack in considering I am quite slim and small in statue ( 5’4 1/2). I often find myself comparing myself to others a lot. One day I will love myself and the other days I will avoid looking into the mirror completely as what I see in the mirror disgusts me.

At a quite young age, I was exposed to porn and sex and I feel so disgusted with myself as I have become hyper sexual even though I am a virgin. I think about sex constantly and what it would be like to finally do it and I’m just so disgusted at myself and I always think it has to do with the fact that I would always catch parents having sex and my cousins friend molested me when I was around 9/10. At the time, I didn’t see it as a bad thing even though I was quite uncomfortable but after growing up and learning about sensitive topics such as that, I begun to realise that it was indeed molestation.

Growing up, I had and still do have a violent mum. Even though I am 17, she still puts her hands on me and disrespects me extremely.
During secondary school (High school) in the UK, you take these exams called “GCSES” which determine whether you can actually attend college or not. I received mostly C’s and one B and my mum was absolutely devasted as I was one of the most smartest people in my classes yet I got those results. She called me stupid among other things which hurt my feelings tremendously and also beat me senselessly.

As of recently, at college which is “year 12” I was studying biology, chemistry and sociology which I was extremely happy about but ended up failing the end of year exams. I got an A in biology but failed my other 2 courses and I have to retake the year which means I will be going to university a year late and in able for me to do that , I changed my courses and I am still studying biology and sociology but changed my third course. I was going to eventually tell my mum but she ended up finding out anyways and began to beat me for failing and said I was beyond stupid and that there is no point in me attending college and I should become a drop out since I’m so stupid. Everything she said hurt a lot and so I begun to cry as it hurt my feelings so much. She always tells me that God says “Parents are like your God in human form” and if she says that she doesn’t want me to progress in life it will actually happen and she says continuously that she wants me to fail in life and I will go nowhere .

I feel like I have no friends. Most people will consider me “ a popular girl” yet I feel like I have no one beside me truely. I had 2 best friends but I fell out with one and I have become very distant with the other one. I always put peoples happiness before mine and it was one of the worst decisions I’ve made. There have been a lot of occasions where friends have hurt me in such ways but I will forgive them or try to move on but it’s so hard and in the end I feel like I have no one. People have betrayed me or talked bad about me and it really does hurt. I have 2 friends that I attend college with who I have known for over 7 years but yet I always still feel so left out even when I’m with them.

In able to focus on myself, i deleted some social media almost a month ago, so I can truely see who my real friends are and to focus on God yet I still feel like this journey is going nowhere. I don’t feel Gods presence and I even purchased a bible but yet even though I pray before reading the bible I don’t feel ... some type of “enlightenment” when reading it and become distracted. I feel like he is not listening to me. I am so broken and damaged and very depressed and have considered suicide on a few occasions. I am never happy and my mind is never at ease. I wake up and instantly I feel a wave of sadness and I feel like Satan is starting to take over my life. I am really considering suicide as I have no one to talk to apart from my younger sister but sometimes I even feel like she doesn’t understand where I come from..

I see so many people flourishing in life even without attending college or university and I become so envious and angry at the fact that I can not be like that. I want to be saved. I want to be loved by Jesus. What am I doing wrong? I want to feel his presence and be able
Hello Engas,

I Pray that you haven’t given up on Christ. Please let all of those who have been praying for you know that you are still praying.
 
Oh, Engas… Please read and come back and let us try to help you.


“Why should you not commit suicide? Friend, no matter how bad things are in your life, there is a God of love who is waiting for you to let Him guide you through your tunnel of despair and out into His marvelous light. He is your sure hope. His name is Jesus.

This Jesus, the sinless Son of God, identifies with you in your time of rejection and humiliation. The prophet Isaiah wrote of Him in Isaiah 53:2-6, describing Him as a man who was “despised and rejected” by everyone. His life was full of sorrow and suffering. But the sorrows He bore were not His own; they were ours. He was pierced, wounded, and crushed, all because of our sin. Because of His suffering, our lives can be redeemed and made whole.

Friend, Jesus Christ endured all this so that you might have all your sins forgiven. Whatever weight of guilt you carry, know that He will forgive you if you humbly receive Him as your Savior. “...Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you...” (Psalm 50:15). Nothing you have ever done is too bad for Jesus to forgive. Some of His choicest servants committed gross sins like murder (Moses), murder and adultery (King David), and physical and emotional abuse (the apostle Paul). Yet they found forgiveness and a new abundant life in the Lord. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Why should you not commit suicide? Friend, God stands ready to repair what is “broken,” namely, the life you have now, the life you want to end by suicide. In Isaiah 61:1-3, the prophet wrote, “The LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor…to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”

Come to Jesus, and let Him restore your joy and usefulness as you trust Him to begin a new work in your life. He promises to restore the joy you have lost and give you a new spirit to sustain you. Your broken heart is precious to Him: “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:12, 15-17).

Will you accept the Lord as your Savior and Shepherd? He will guide your thoughts and steps—one day at a time—through His Word, the Bible. “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you” (Psalm 32:8). “He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure” (Isaiah 33:6). In Christ, you will still have struggles, but you will now have hope. He is “a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). May the grace of the Lord Jesus be with you in your hour of decision.

If you desire to trust Jesus Christ as your Savior, speak these words in your heart to God: “God, I need you in my life. Please forgive me for all that I have done. I place my faith in Jesus Christ and believe that He is my Savior. Please cleanse me, heal me, and restore my joy in life. Thank You for Your love for me and for Jesus' death on my behalf.”
 
Hello everyone. I have been reading your messages and i will admit when i first read them i became emotional at the fact that there are strangers who are here willing to give advice and it really touched me. Things dont seem to be getting any better with my mum as she has been starting arguments with me non stop everyday and will wake me up at 4/5 am everyday just to yell at me and tell me how i useless i am and compare me to others. i had a very big argument with her today and she did hurt me a couple of times and ended up smashing my phone to the point where its no longer usable. The suicidal thoughts are getting worse more and more everyday but i always keep everyone who replied here and Jesus in mind and think of this as a way of the devil trying to trick me. Thank you all for your kind words. I really do appreciate it..
 
Hi, Engas -

I think you need to find a safe place to live and begin to heal from the abuse that you have had to endure. It is very hard to have peace in a toxic environment and it is my very strong opinion that God would desire you to be free of this situation of abuse. I pray that God will lead you to safe people who can help you. The state you live in will have resources to help you. You could begin by asking God to lead you to someone to talk to either at your school or somewhere else. There are abuse hotlines you can call as well. The thing is, Engas, once you make these calls, you do know that there is no turning back? You need to decide whether you are ready and strong enough to stand against more abuse coming against you as you try to free yourself from abuse. You need to think of safety and think ahead. Once you make a choice, you need to be ready to continue to trust God and continue to take the next step out. It will not be easy, but it will be so worth it in the end. God values you! You are worthy - He has made you worthy and shown you how much He has loved you through sending His Son to die for you. He can part the sea for you, but you must put your trust totally in Him and let Him lead you through it.

I am so sorry for all of the pain you have had to endure in such a short period of time. I will pray and trust that God will begin to show you what steps you need to take and lead you to the right people who can support you, love you and minister to you the healing love of Christ.

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. - 2 Thessalonians 3:16
 
Loyal Member
Gigiloveslife has said what I wanted to say. This is an abusive situation and nobody should be treated in this way.

Please find someone you can trust and describe what's happening and how it's affecting you.

With prayers
 

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