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Husband's secrets

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My husband and I have known each other since we were teens- over 12 years now. We've been friends through all of that and dated a few years and then married 4 years ago. He's the truest impression of the man of my dreams. We've been faithful to God and our church for 3 years now and life is near perfect with two young children.

I thought I knew everything about him, but he failed to tell me what I consider to be crucial information. He's had sex with a mutual friend multiple times before we got married or dated. This mutual friend also happens to be a man who's quite older than us both by 20 years and I've always looked up to him almost as a father figure. He told me this after I watched him speak with our pastor. He walked away with tears on his face, so I asked later when we were in bed if he wanted to talk about anything. Our pastor encouraged him to speak with me, so he told me how on several occasions while he and the friend lived together, they'd drank, watched porn, and had oral sex. He was very embarrassed, crying, and obviously didnt want me questioning him, so I tried to comfort him and reassure him of my love as best I could. I couldn't get it off my mind though and I had so many questions. I've sporadically asked yes or no questions because this is now something I have to face too. He's revealed more since the first night that they also had intercourse. Now, I definitely can't get it out of my mind.

I love my husband with all my heart. I will never consider divorce. I'm just so taken back. I don't know how to deal with this and I can't talk to anyone like family or friends because I don't want him to feel betrayed. In a way though, I feel like I've been lied to. Would I have still dated or married him knowing this? I don't know. I worry he still could have homosexual feelings. I asked, he said no, but considering he's kept all this from me the last decade almost, I have a hard time believing him. It really makes me insecure as a woman and wife. I don't doubt he loves me. People don't just sleep with the same sex without the attraction though. Maybe this whole time I've not been satisfying to him.

Like I said, I don't know how to take this all. It's like he's unloaded his conscience on me to feel better, but now I'm bearing the load because he's so uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about it. I love this man. I just want to look at him now without thinking of him having sex with our friend.
 
Active
Hi Greetings to you @Lovenpeace.
You mentioned that this happens before you get married or dated right and just right now your husband got the courage to confess this sin.

First I admired you being an understanding wife and i also understand those thoughts in your mind, it must have been not easy.

This confession is not easy too to your husband, but having the courage to do so is the first step he did just to go out from that nightmare. That sin might be done while he still not fully known the Lord and the Holy Spirit might convicted Him to fully withdrawn and let go of that sin that might be the enemy keeps using holding him all this years. This is the time that you need to stretch your heart and love for your husband. And dont listen to the enemy because it might be used against you both and your whole family.
Focus on whats ahead and let go.

Remember In 1 Corinthians 13 true love says,

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it KEEPS NO RECORDS OF WRONG . Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:4-7‬

Will be praying to you too and your whole family. Fight for your marriage.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
@Lovenpeace4
Greetings,

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Philippians 4:6-8

press forward, not backward


Bless you both ....><>
 
Active
He's still a friend? Has he converted?
It's abuse, an old man with a young guy. Praise God He helped your husband. Put away those thoughts. It's just uncleanness. My ex watched porn in the beginning of our marriage. I didnt even know what it was and I didn't take it personal. He was quite amazed I couldn't care less and was just glad it was gone. Years later he watched it and God showed me 3 unclean demons dressed up like women and I was like: why on earth does he fall for that? They were so ugly and fake, not even real women, but male demons. Fake blond hair. Ugly. I just rebuked em and then the problem was over.
Don't feel threatened by some ugly unclean demon, as if that's more attractive than you. Maybe you should ask that pastor for help too, to get rid of those filthy images. I'd rather have someone did not tell me the details. Don't know if that was a smart thing to do. He should tell the truth, but it's gone, done away on the cross.
 
Member
My husband and I have known each other since we were teens- over 12 years now. We've been friends through all of that and dated a few years and then married 4 years ago. He's the truest impression of the man of my dreams. We've been faithful to God and our church for 3 years now and life is near perfect with two young children.

I thought I knew everything about him, but he failed to tell me what I consider to be crucial information. He's had sex with a mutual friend multiple times before we got married or dated. This mutual friend also happens to be a man who's quite older than us both by 20 years and I've always looked up to him almost as a father figure. He told me this after I watched him speak with our pastor. He walked away with tears on his face, so I asked later when we were in bed if he wanted to talk about anything. Our pastor encouraged him to speak with me, so he told me how on several occasions while he and the friend lived together, they'd drank, watched porn, and had oral sex. He was very embarrassed, crying, and obviously didnt want me questioning him, so I tried to comfort him and reassure him of my love as best I could. I couldn't get it off my mind though and I had so many questions. I've sporadically asked yes or no questions because this is now something I have to face too. He's revealed more since the first night that they also had intercourse. Now, I definitely can't get it out of my mind.

I love my husband with all my heart. I will never consider divorce. I'm just so taken back. I don't know how to deal with this and I can't talk to anyone like family or friends because I don't want him to feel betrayed. In a way though, I feel like I've been lied to. Would I have still dated or married him knowing this? I don't know. I worry he still could have homosexual feelings. I asked, he said no, but considering he's kept all this from me the last decade almost, I have a hard time believing him. It really makes me insecure as a woman and wife. I don't doubt he loves me. People don't just sleep with the same sex without the attraction though. Maybe this whole time I've not been satisfying to him.

Like I said, I don't know how to take this all. It's like he's unloaded his conscience on me to feel better, but now I'm bearing the load because he's so uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about it. I love this man. I just want to look at him now without thinking of him having sex with our friend.
Do you think that this would be an issue if you didn't hold the law over your husband. I love the story of the woman who was caught in adultery, because even though Jesus had every right to stone her.

He didn't.
 
Active
My husband and I have known each other since we were teens- over 12 years now. We've been friends through all of that and dated a few years and then married 4 years ago. He's the truest impression of the man of my dreams. We've been faithful to God and our church for 3 years now and life is near perfect with two young children.

I thought I knew everything about him, but he failed to tell me what I consider to be crucial information. He's had sex with a mutual friend multiple times before we got married or dated. This mutual friend also happens to be a man who's quite older than us both by 20 years and I've always looked up to him almost as a father figure. He told me this after I watched him speak with our pastor. He walked away with tears on his face, so I asked later when we were in bed if he wanted to talk about anything. Our pastor encouraged him to speak with me, so he told me how on several occasions while he and the friend lived together, they'd drank, watched porn, and had oral sex. He was very embarrassed, crying, and obviously didnt want me questioning him, so I tried to comfort him and reassure him of my love as best I could. I couldn't get it off my mind though and I had so many questions. I've sporadically asked yes or no questions because this is now something I have to face too. He's revealed more since the first night that they also had intercourse. Now, I definitely can't get it out of my mind.

I love my husband with all my heart. I will never consider divorce. I'm just so taken back. I don't know how to deal with this and I can't talk to anyone like family or friends because I don't want him to feel betrayed. In a way though, I feel like I've been lied to. Would I have still dated or married him knowing this? I don't know. I worry he still could have homosexual feelings. I asked, he said no, but considering he's kept all this from me the last decade almost, I have a hard time believing him. It really makes me insecure as a woman and wife. I don't doubt he loves me. People don't just sleep with the same sex without the attraction though. Maybe this whole time I've not been satisfying to him.

Like I said, I don't know how to take this all. It's like he's unloaded his conscience on me to feel better, but now I'm bearing the load because he's so uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about it. I love this man. I just want to look at him now without thinking of him having sex with our friend.
Your pastor know about the situation. Could you approach him and ask for him to recommend one or two women who are out of town and experienced in pastoral counselling.

That way you are not going out of the authority of your pastor, and you can speak freely to someone who doesn't know your husband. Make sure your husband knows that you are doing this too.

From what you've written, it appears that it's important for you to be able to talk this situation through thoroughly.

I'm sure that in God's grace you'll find the healing and restoration.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
Greetings @Lovenpeace4

In agreement with replies from other members I think you need to move forward and not backward.

The devil will churn up the hurts and failures of the past and use them to create division.

Thank and praise the Lord that your husband has confessed these matters and pray that you will have the peace of heart to move forward together in love.
 
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