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husband is depressed and left home for a week- help!

Discussion in 'Feedback' started by Grace28, Oct 28, 2012.

  1. #1 Grace28, Oct 28, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2012
    I've been married to my husband for 7 months. We dated 5 years, he is 25 and I'm 29. We have been up and down our whole.marriage as now I.realize he may be suffering from depression. He works as a prison guard from 10 pm to 6 am and works every weekend for.the past two years. Two months ago after some knock down drag outs and me being super emotional he told me his heart wasn't in it and he felt numb, not just about me but everything. Said he felt rushed to marry and he could not give me anything emotionally because he had no.emotions left. But he never physically left, just said he was confused and that some of his needs were being neglected.
    Said he honestly didn't want anyone else and didn't want back in the single world and backed it up with his actions (didn't stay gone away from.home or.out to bars)
    So although hurt and insecure, I worked at taking care of myself mentally and physically and tried to.start meeting the needs he states. Things turned around a whole lot for about a.month, he said so himself. However I began feelings tired of giving when he wasn't doing much in return. I called him on this a week ago and he quickly reminded me of how he was feeling numb and coildnt give me.what I need right now. It turned into another fight and he left for work.without speaking.
    I lost my cool.and texted him to not come.back to this house and how cruel I thought he was. He responded by saying the whole spiel of I can't do this anymore, hearts not in it, we are in two different places, etc. Next morning I calledand apologized and said I was just angry and didn't mean it. I asked if he meant what he said and he said yes. He has been at his parents house for a week now, here and there but now only a text a day. He is super withdrawn and parents say he isn't going out and won't tell.them what's going on. He has a psychiatrist appt in two days so he is wanting help. I told him I am trying to understand and support him and educate myself on depression and told him i was sorry for pushing. I made it clear in a nice way that I wanted him to come home. He still said he didn't want to come home yet.

    I have read Dr. James Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" book. My dillema is whether he is saying a lot of this out of depression or just can't handle the stress of conflict at this time. Or if he truly wants out. If he texts me he is miffed when I don't respond but if I initiate an I love u text or an im here for u text he won't respond. Is the no contact rule best here? He wants to be alone but is prob clinically depressed. Should I continue to reach out or practice tough love and leave him be and initiating contact and not responding to contact from him until he physically returns home. Need advice, struggling because a husband shouldn't be gone from.home like.this and I feel like one wrong .move on my part may Make or break us from Yahoo! Mail on Android
  2. #2 DutchChristian, Oct 28, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2012
    Hello dear sister,

    support him never mind about yourself (as he comes first) love him and submit to him as unto the Lord. Eph 5:22.
    Please speak to him your soft and loving gentle kind encouraging words, be meek be softly love him build him up encourage him do not tear him down with your own hands (by your selfish? actions) and your words but speak good things always instead! remember Proverbs 14:1!, do not be as that foolish woman but speak life unto him, wife's have such an impact on their husbands (they have!). i work night shifts too and i tell you dear sister it is hard work!, you should be proud of him! You can and should build up your house (your husband) help him, nevermind yourself forsake yourself give in to his desires all the time (just give in willingly initiate too) as all your body is part of your husband anyway 1 Cor. 7:3-5! Give him much love, kiss him o sister you can win his love! Hallelujah! Be sweet be gentle support him, say you admire him all the time and give him the reverence a husband so desires after from their own wife. Compliment him... kiss him, massage him, make sweet text messages O Hallelujah! be submissive and keep with this above and you will have a very wonderful marriage. Never give up, never !

    Now is the time to support your own husband!

    Stand by your man! do not take the lead, but follow. do not take his crown but be willing and submissive remember 1 Cor 11:3., your husband is the man and a wife is not the leader, that is his role and you follow him.

    Go go go for it!

    Be sweet and stay sweet submissive all the days in your role as wife in marriage and you will see him melt with love before your own eyes! Let him decide things first ask him his opinion on things ask him for advice and ask him permission for things too (that is a very submissive attitude) , so as to help you do this faster and greatly admire him and give him all the reverence and respect that he so desires after from you.

    sister go for it! it is not hard! if you start doing this from a genuine heart and keep with it, you'll see much improvement soon!


    Go for it before your marriage falls apart, do not give up!
  3. Thank you for your advice! I will try being more supportive and sweet, however he will not come home from his parents house yet. He texted me this morning that he missed home and I responded come home, you are welcome here. He never replied ior came home :( I can only pray at this point I am afraid. When I talked to his parents last night I.told them that I would like for them to encourage him to come.home.insteadbof catering to him and giving him too much refuge there. They do not want to.rock.the boat with him and are just walking on.eggshells. I am a.nervous wreck but am trying to.stay positive and continue to take care of myself.
  4. #4 faithfulservant, Oct 28, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2012
    praying for your marriage

    His depression may well be related to the shift he's working. The overnight is not a shift many people are suited to. He may be deficient in vitamin D, which we get from being exposed to sunlight.
  5. #5 DutchChristian, Oct 28, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2012
    Dear sister this is not good... there is resentment in you towards him it seems to me and you should never manipulate your husband with "tough love" or hold back love as this book suggest? i do not understand this what is that for a wicked book, what a wrong idea. As it seems to be exactly the OPPOSITE of what works in marriage is that you surrender yourself as a wife to him give in and that you are willingly loving him and not hold back playing games of any sort or putting pressure by holding back won't and i say won't get him back. We surrender ourselves to Jesus too, so likewise must the wife (church) to their own husband (Christ).

    Remember marriage is in example similar to Christ and His Church. As we can read from Ephesians 5. As a wife you are similar to the church towards Christ, if you withhold that doesn't make your husband go after you he will grow even more resentment. See what i am saying? Your husband is likened unto Christ, now do we withold ourselves from the Lord? No we surrender to Him, we submit so likewise in marriage must the wife also give in and surrender herself in submission to her own husband. And holding back is the opposition of what works. See verse 24 in particular:

    Ephesians 5
    23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
    24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

    it will work out, pray surrender yourself for it dear sister! but do not play "hard to get"!
  6. Basically just admire him, admire and let him take your lead and trust him and his decisions never neg or nag him or talk him down but be patient sweet, pray and seek His Face, build him up by your encouraging support (prov. 14:1) and you will soon see FIREWORKS!


  7. Sister,

    Whatever else you do stay very close to God. Hopefully your husband will come around, but without God's help from what I read in your posts it simply may not happen.

    I wouldn't tell you to wait or not to wait to see if your husband returns or not. That must be your own heart and your own decision as you see the Lord's direction for you. But... I will say that in the end there may not be a marriage between you again. Prepare yourself carefully with prayer for that possibility. If it comes to that, but you are in the Lord, the Lord will help you make it through it.

    There is a lot of scripture that could be applied, but it how it applies in your case depends upon you and your husband, so I will not presume by going into it.

    I simply say again, no matter what happens, stay close to God and He will lead you the correct way.

    I will be keeping you and your husband in prayer.
  8. I have read all the other posts. Did you and your husband have marriage counseling? Correct me if I am wrong, but Having been a Pastor and heaeing a good number of couples There are a number things that are tell tail issues in what you have said. Most couples who have been going together 5 years before marriage have been having sex for a good while or were living together before marriage. This is quite common even in christians. You both need Christian counseling ASP. You can not fix him anymore than he can fix you.

    If what I think ia possible as I said above,here are some facts you need to know and need both of your attention like yesterday. When couples have sex or live together the odds of a marriage working is against them. Unless I am totally off base you guys need to start drawing close yo the Lord. I hope you both are Christians. The longer you saty apart is very harmfull to you both. I suggest you seek counseling and if one won't go than other must. To start off a marriage with such a division is a big warning. Other have given you Scripture, and I have given you a small measure of directive counseling, so now have good advice, it's all up to you and hime to get the marriage on track with Christ as the head of your homeOne tell .

    One telling prroblem about your marriage is most likely you do not pray together. Many couples rarely pray together even after many years of marriage. This is one thing that makes a marriage stronger, prayer. Now it's up to you to take the next step. Blessings.
  9. "Noticing that jesus had given them a good answer, he asked Him, 'which is the most important?' 'The most important (commandment), answered Jesus, is this: Hear O Israel, the Lord your God is one. Love the Lord with ALL your heart and with ALL your soul and with ALL your mind and with ALL your strength."Mk 12:29-30

    All true love begins and ends with God since, as with all Creation, He created and sustains it moment by moment. So, for we humans to have truly loving relationships on any level (spouse, family, friends) it must be rooted in our relationship with Him since "God IS Love" (1 Jn 4:8) and therefore, all love flows out of Him to us continually.

    Spirit Led Ed (SLE)
  10. amen to he night shift thing im on from 11pm to 7am..last week was 20 hrs overtime ..yes it can be an emotional strain working nights ..Ask God to place Him where God needs to place Him.and be patient all is not as it seems when it comes to God I will tell you that a wife is the greatest gift God can give a man.Hold the Ground for hIm and pray peace over His life ..DOC is a hard Job to begin with ..its a spiritual tasking job..Love him as God loved you first and hold the high Ground with prayer.all will work to Gods Glory in the end ...tell youre husband what a blessing he is to you as he is and let the Holy Spirit do the rest ...Rev
  11. Little sister,
    Like the Rev's previous post, it can most difficult as an CO. Not only the hours, but the environment which is so alien to family life. You don't say how long he's been working his regular shift along with the overtime. Most CO's have a difficult time communicating what they go through at work with family, because they feel they'll be misunderstood. Something may have happened there, that he feels he can't talk about i.e. Suicide of an inmate, death of a co-worker, an assault, and the list goes on. The reason why he's doing what he's doing can easily get lost in the misery of what seems to be the greater part of his day. Even the repetitious nature of the job, doing security checks, inmate counts every hour, hour after hour, day after day is difficult at best.

    Great love and most especially your prayers and hopefully his prayers as well, are needed. Many here have given good advice on how to deal with this spiritually. Let me add, from just looking at the schedule he is working, what this shows is that there is little time to be spent as husband & wife, along with family. Even being married you need to make time to get away. To have the occasional date night so to speak. Remembering the special things in each other that have sweetened the love you have through Christ Jesus. If this means cutting back once a month from overtime then so be it. Yet ultimately he must decide along with you that this might be worth while to do. Offer it as a suggestion. Maybe he'll bite. Remember even folks in ministry or any job for that matter, need time to get away that doesn't involve task orientated things to do.

    If he is like me, even after 28 soon to be 29 years of marriage, I find no greater joy then to see my wife smile or laugh. That's why a little time away. Maybe doing something that you used to do when you first met might help.

    My prayers are with you both.

    Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. [6] In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
    Philippians 4:6-7 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. [7] And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
  12. Well, people get married for a variety of reasons. Generally speaking, those who look back in regret will agree that at the time it seemed like a good idea. Does that mean it should end? That depends on the will and resolve of those involved. I have worked shift work my entire life. I know what it's like to be on call, and to change my plans because someone decided their neighbour's party is more important than working that day. I know what it's like to see my son for the first time and he's already four months old; I was in Europe for the entire time. Working environments can take their toll, too. Being out of sync with the norm also takes its toll. At some point, one becomes jaded, and nobody else really matters. I made plans to have repairs done to my pickup. Because of a minor change at work, I'm now expected to change that plan to another date. Well, I say screw you because I had that day off when I made that plan. My wife often stays up later than she should to ensure I have a warm meal when I arrive home. It takes a toll on her, too.

    All I can really say is, keep a sense of humour. Ask him how his day went. Be interested in his stories. There are days when you really won't care as well, but reassure him that somebody does care about him. And, that someone married him. Working opposite the norm means a lot of missed opportunities for both of you. Be best friends because sometimes each other may be all you have for company. And above all, please keep in mind that God is not ignoring your plight. But, it takes two to tango. Please, both of you put Jesus first and seek the love that he desire his followers to have, to show, and to be a good role model. I can tell you that I have on many occasions wanted to reach out and choke the daylights out of someone because of bad days. Not a good idea, not a good attitude, and not a desirable way to live. And then, I realize that we're only human and God loves all of us and I should know better. I see frustration in your story, not depression. Phil 4:8.

  13. Why submit to a man whose heart is not in it. Would you submit to someone who is void of feelings and love towards another, I think not.

    Whose actions are selfish here, the husbands or the wife. The wife is seeking help and you splur her with selfishness....(wrong mate)

    As I remember you are not married and you would put your wife over your knee and spank her. So whose side are you on?

    If the man does not take the leadership role and is co-dependent then who leads. My guess is that the woman does. Take away your manly authority and think just for a minute that a woman is in need and you give her platitudes of submissiveness. Wrong my friend. You are counseling a MARRIED WOMAN WHEN YOU ARE NOT!!

    You seem to know so much without little knowledge about relationships between spouses.

    So Dutch, I honour your sincerity yet can say be careful whom you counsel.

    ‘Grace28’ I feel for you, relationships can be difficult if ones heart is hurt or not in it. Just know You and your hubby will be in my prayers. God never wants separation or divorce. May our Lords peace overcome you and you get to the bottom of your dilemma. Men can be so obstinate sometimes that it can be a pain in the butt.

    You married your man because you loved each other, I believe the love is still there it just needs caressing with dialogue. It can be done.

    May the Lords Peace come between you and your husband and mend right relationships.
    In Jesus Name...
  14. I write this in hope that all is well and The Lord is master of all with you...reading back i wanted to ck on you and see if things have gotten better for you ...also to see how i should pray for you as a couple...didnt want you get lost in post shuffle and would like to stay in touch on this .......I pray the Lord of Peace be youres today in Jesus name....Rev
  15. Hi
    I am new here and just looking around I saw your post
    My wife suffered from depression and we went through much of what you describe. It took a lot of love, patience, understanding and biting my tounge but we got through it. It wasn't easy and the total time to accomplish it was long (years) but God gave me strength and guidance. There were good times and bad times along the way but it was all worth it. The only way I could hang in and perservere was through Christ. His strength carried me many many times.
    Pray, Love and lean on Christ.

    Christ IS there for you, He can and will see you through

    Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
    Matthew 11:28

    I will be praying for you and your husband
  16. Still praying for you and your husband

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