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How to deal with freeloaders

Discussion in 'Counseling' started by Lanolin, May 3, 2017.

  1. #1 Lanolin, May 3, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    People that constantly ask you to do stuff for them?

    I keep saying no, but that doesnt stop one person from asking, and I'm finding myself really annoyed still like she just wont leave it alone and she cant seem to do anything herself, she will always ask if she can use me.

    For example she will ask if she can do some mending at my place and its not even my sewing machine but mums. Then she will ask me if i would mend something for her. Or type something. She even asked my dad if he could fix her bracelet.

    I dont have the time to constnatly be asked all these favours and do them but she will worm her way by being friendly at first and then pull out a whole list of stuff for me to do for her that takes up all your time and energy. Nobody else I know does this to this extent. And she will pout if people dont, I have seen it she tends to put a guilt trip on people, by pretending to be helpless and stupid so people will take pity. Arrgh! How would you deal with this behaviour?!

    I have taken to avoiding her as much as possible and trying not to involve myself in any of her schemes to get me to do something for her that she can actually do herself.

    I wonder if this is christian of me to feel annoyed. Or not wanting to help someone all the time.

    She's not helpless but I suspect she likes to pretend she is and then you end up doing all this stuff for her. I dont do that to others..if I help someone its so they can learn to do something for themselves because I cant always be there, or there is a benefit to doing something for me as well.

    Anyway I am trying to sort this out whether to say NO or I can just teach her or tell her to get lessons. Actually someone else I know does this as well a friend who turns out wont drive not because she doesnt have a car - she can actually learn but cos shes too scared to. When these people turn demanding expecting a ride every time for some far away place Ive never been to, using me like a taxi I have to put my foot down.
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  2. It's good to say yes and it's fine to say no.

    I wonder what your friend is really asking for? Could it be that all these favours and tasks are a kind of cover story for something deeper? For example, the only way that she knows how to judge if she's worth anything to you is by testing your friendship with lots of requests.

    I may be way off the mark with that.

    Jesus occasionally took off on his own rather than meet all the requests of the multitudes. It may be good to work out for yourself how much time and energy you are able to give, and stick to those boundaries.

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  3. #3 Lanolin, May 3, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    Well I dont really know whats shes asking for. Thats what Im trying to find out ...she seems to deliberately do this to other people all the time, its not just me.

    Other people say shes high maintenance. Shes not an only child but an only daughter, and Im not really sure if that means that she didnt have enough attention or what.

    Im just going to say I will do this, but not that. And leave to sort out for herself. Shes much older than me and ought to have learn or want to learn to do things rather than expect everyone else to do them as favours.

    Also with boundaries, I have to set the bar higher each time. Shes the kind of person who crashes through boundaries and leaps over them. Im going to have to build like a fort or moat and devise a password or something.

    People always talk about things like boundaries but is it biblical. im tired.I need some biblical advice not psychological. Some people ARE needy all the time and its draining to me.

    I dont want to be weary of well doing.

    But also I dont want to be pressured or tricked or even manipulated into doing things I dont really need to do. I feel like sometimes people just dump all their burdens on me. How do I deflect this, yet encourage them at the same the right direction?
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  4. There's practical things you could do such as make a promise to yourself that you'll always pause before agreeing to do anything: 'Let me think about that, and I'll let you know'.

    Or what do you think would happen if you responded: 'Listen, I'm sure you can work this out for yourself without me. Why don't we just spend some time together?'

    All in all the are some people who are just needy and exhausting to be with. It's better to give a little and be consistent than to give too much, get burnt out and have to retreat.

    Also, God loves your friend with an eternal all knowing love. What do you think he sees in her?
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  5. #5 Lanolin, May 4, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    Hmm what I think He sees in her..someone whos incredibly thirsty but wont drink the cup He already given her and is easily distracted and always tries to ask other people for theirs.

    Im sure if I said to her, you a big girl now. Or you CAN do it. Even if it might take longer. She might see that its better she does things than ask everyone else all the time.

    I have made a point of spending time with her with no intention of that time spent doing any favours at all but to have fun. Just to show her what being a friend is like and that I am not someone who uses people.

    Hmm one time when she asked me something she wouldnt let me think about it and let her know she was pretty demanding i just let her know right then.

    So that doesnt always work.

    The parable of the five wise and five foolish virgins come to mind. Im afraid shes like one of the five foolish ones. In some ways I think theres something holding her back from receiving from God. Like she doesnt fully trust Him.
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  6. Ah. It sounds like you are already a step ahead of all my thoughts.

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  7. I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love
    Ephesians 4:1-2

    Greetings @Lanolin

    Your friend may have learned no other way of communication through life
    She may feel the only time she can get a response is when she asks for something

    She is perhaps internally very lonely

    A couple of practical suggestions;
    Say no if you genuinely don't have the time and if she sulks ignore it rather than giving in
    Offer an alternative......."hey the shop down the road will do that repair me better than me and it wont cost much we could go for a cuppa and a chat instead of me fiddling with this"

    And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
    Galatians 6:9

    Christ4Ever and Hekuran like this.
  8. Avoiding her is a good way but if you cannot....What will she give you to do the job? If you do anything for this person, they make it worth your time.
    1 Timothy 5:18 (CJB)
    18 For the Tanakh says, “You are not to muzzle an ox when it is treading out the grain,” in other words, “The worker deserves his wages.”
    Not that you're an ox...LOL She'll either make it worth your while or she'll find another dupe.
  9. #9 Lanolin, May 5, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    Hmm I charge $25 an hour. Sometimes I do a rate by number of words. But thats for proofreading, Nobodys dared asked me to type all their work for them before and im not actually a typist/typesetter.

    Well the thing is shes always trying to get people to do stuff for her for nothing even though she has money. But then she ends up treating others like her personal slaves. She has given an offerring but this is after the fact. One time she tried to get me to help her move house even though Im not a strong person to do all the packing and moving. Thats a lot of work and labour and she was expecting me to just drop everything and help her. I was really annoyed because a normal person would even if they had no money maybe offer you lunch or something or to do something in return later.

    Thanks bendito I will say that next time she tries it the moment shes pretty much freeloading at her friends place but her host has got her to help her with her english class, then of course she tried to rope me in to be a helper even though the class is ages away from where I live its not just up the road or anything. She doesnt seem to be aware it costs me gas money and time to get there.

    If I am asking someone to come help me do something I offer them a ride and lunch or cuppa is on me if I cant pay them. I also provide them with tools and equipment if its a job. Especially if they havent done it before. I dont expect them to bring their own! I think shes been incredibly cheeky and it just annoys me she think its justified to use people. She will always play the victim..or put on a helpless act by saying she doesnt know how to use the computer, its too hard, or its a waste of money to pay someone (even though she has money) .. well learn!

    What does she think I am an idiot? The thing that concerns me is she is going to be shut out of the kingdom (like the foolish virgins who didnt bother to prepare) if she keeps on doing this. Its a pattern of behaviour shes learned I reckon..get people to feel sorry for her or play the dumb blonde card and then milk it for all its worth.

    I reckon if she asked God for wisdom He would give it to her liberally but..she doesnt ask in faith shes always wavering. Thats the issue, she can be doubleminded and unstable.

    This in turn has affected her whole life. Maybe its just fear? I dont know. She will leave things to the last minute and then turn...I have seen it with her driving. Well thats an accident waiting to happen, not everyone is going to give way to her.
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  10. $25.00 an hour is fair...and yes...She probably thinks everybody but her is stupid...She sounds like the type. Manipulating, narcissistic....
  11. #11 Lanolin, May 5, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    I dont expect this behaviour of christians yet she is a christian (has been one for a long time, much longer than me) but something is missing.

    I had pondered why she is this way and havent come to an answer yet but my hunch is she hasnt truly repented for something in her life. The way she became a christian she told me was she just walked forward at a billy graham crusade. And while she had that peace that God is looking out for her it seems she doenst have that assurance cos she still acts very much like a baby christian who wants to be spoon fed even though shes past the stage of being weaned. I think shes like a toddler that panics everytime their mother goes away but they will only be in the next room.

    If I knew what that thing was, the thing thats holding her back, I could pray with her but I think she would be too proud or ashamed to tell me. I dont know.

    It had got to the stage that everytime she rang me i would be thinking what does she want now. Never, oh just rang to say hi, its like I have a list of things to ask of you..,

    I need to figure out a way to head her off next time she rings asking for a favour. But I havent figured out yet. Im not a confronting person normally and she is the type to not listen so its really hard. She comes up with all excuses why she cant do something and is in a fix.

    And then seems to blame God for not bailing her out (He has been really good and patient with her all this time) . I need maybe some scripture to just say. His word is quick and powerful and a two edged sword. But what is His Word for her?

    Not just for my sake and sanity but for her? Honestly she drives many people up the wall and friends that have known her for a long time just say to me dont let her bully you. Well I dont, but she tries. Shes like the hen that wont stop pecking you.
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  12. Matthew 25 comes to mind...

    Matthew 25:31-46New King James Version (NKJV)

    31 “When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. 33 And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: 35 for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; 36 I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’

    37 “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? 38 When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? 39 Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40 And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

    41 “Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: 42 for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; 43 I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’

    44 “Then they also will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ 45 Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46 And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
  13. #13 Lanolin, May 6, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018
    I dont think that applies here..i have fed and clothed her and also visited her when she was sick. Only the other week took her out shopping, Ive cooked her christmas dinner and cups of tea..
    Im not allowed to have people stay over cos its not just my house.

    This is something else, over and above you think if I invited her to stay with me even though I technically have no home, this asking for favours will cease? She has been offered a site for a home through a friends dad. The thing is I dont really know if she will end up living there.
    After all shes a single woman in her 60s.
    Having no home of your own is kinda hard. I mean only the rich can afford to own homes here. She just needs to make friends with people richer than me. Or maybe marry someone?

    The thing is I dont know the guy she has in mind she wont tell me about that part of ther life maybe shes still waiting for him to make an offer. When took her out shopping, she bought a white skirt and said it would make a good wedding gown,with a white top. But she was all a bit mysterious about who this mr right could be. ...?!

    Ok..maybe I figured out the answer.
    Shes waiting for MR right but hes taking a really long time.

    All these favours shes asking me is because Im in training to be bridesmaid at her wedding or something.

    Either that or I am going crazy.
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  14. @Lanolin Dear Sister,
    I'm in agreement with Sister Fragrant Grace. Especially with the part of saying "NO", even if it makes you feel guilty. Because it will. I've been there. :-(

    Now, the issue becomes time rather than the doing. If they say I need help with this and just give it to you as a task. State, "I'll need you there with me.". They ask "Why?, I'm sure you can do it. You're very good at doing these things and I'd just get in the way." You say "Nonsense" "You'd not be in the way" "In fact it give me time to talk to you about something I read in scripture." "We can multi-task together and who knows you might get the hang of doing it too and will be able to help others out as well!". If she says "I can't". Then you have to decide whether you will still do it or not. If not, then tell her "Then I'm sorry I can't either. Maybe, another time then." and keep on with whatever you were doing.

    However, if you do it. Be joyful in doing the task!!!! Don't fake it! It can be difficult at first. If so, than ask God to change your heart! He will trust me! A servants heart is not easy to come by or maintain! Yet, when you have it, you will be singing or find yourself smiling while you're doing it. Kinda of unnerves others because they won't understand! God is so awesome!

    Remember, go all the way with it, but know that is not only about the task at hand, but this other woman that you are speaking of. This gives you an opportunity to witness and hopefully improved upon her way of being ruler instead of servant to others.

    Also, just because she's been a Christian for a number of years more than you, doesn't mean first that she is, second that she is further upon the path that God has set her upon to Him than you are. Look for what she can do well, and while doing the task together ask her about them. You've shown that she seems to be a natural born leader/supervisor who is able to get people to do things for her :) Others might call it having no shame, but sometimes it's a matter of perspective.

    I will pray that God will provide you a way with and though this sister!

    Always, with the Love of Christ Jesus.
  15. It sounds to me like this person is like a baby bird in the nest with here beak open. Feed me, burp me! Change my diaper! Seems to me she is far past the stage where she needs to grab ahold of her own self and breathe on her own. You can do for her and do for her but she won't grow by it. She needs to hear a lot more loving Nos "You need to do that yourself" Its not being a friend or anything good for this person. Enabling this behavior is poison for her.
  16. #16 Lanolin, May 7, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2018 response to christ4ever.

    Well the typing bit I have done before But I dont need to do it, its NOT actually my job to do it, and I dont want to do it. Basically I have told her no, I dont have time to do it.

    I dont like multitasking with her either because that just takes longer and she can be very bossy. It is better that she does it herself and learns to do it. She cant keep asking others to do her work for her.

    Also I wouldnt ask others to do typing for me. As a writer thats just not on. Besides we are not co-atuthors and if I type it up for her she will get all the credit anyway. i am not a ghostwriter whom you pay, not for a thing like what she wants done.

    Actually my experience with ghostwriting is it can be unsatisfying as you not doing your own work you doing someone elses. No matter even if you get paid a whole heap to do anykind of work..someone is just lazy and didnt want to do it. Its so much better when you make something yourself and you have creative input not just following orders dont you think?

    Yea thats what I thought.

    Especially if its a pattern and she does this to everyone else as well.

    I would say that for some people, especially in my case, I respond to leaders who can teach you stuff, not leaders or supervisors who dont want to do something and then expect everyone else to do what they just dont want to do.

    I mean jesus never got his disicples to do anything He didnt do himself and He showed them and taught them how.
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  17. I've spent the last week at my computer writing. Typing when I have a perfectly good dictation program on my computer, right in front of me. Typing manually is good for practice and builds manual dexterity. Loosens the fingers as it were. But! I have to agree with Lanolin... I would not do it for anyone else...At least not without getting paid a pretty penny.
  18. Hmm the grin and bear it school of christianity is not one I like to subscribe to usually! But if some thing happens in which I need to do something I dont particularly enjoy doing I will ask God to help me.
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  19. The grin and bear it thing has to be based on both Love and wisdom.
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  20. I am a bit confused over Galatians 6.
    to carry another's burden or to carry one's own?

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