Salvation is a gift given to those who realize that they are unworthy of God's gift of grace and look to Him for the truth about themselves, and Him, and eternity.
He alone can answer the questions you ask. Humans can assist but only He can open your eyes and speak to your heart.
If you earnestly seek Him with all your heart, He will respond.
When I finally was ready for the truth, no matter what it meant, I opened His Word and prayed, asking Him to reveal Himself to me through it.
I was amazed at how He taught me directly from His word and I came to a saving faith.
The only thing we control in this life are our choices. If you choose to know the truth and seek Him with all your heart, He promises to answer and He will.