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Hi I'm a mother of 4 and my husband and I have been separated for a year been a rough few years

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Been married for 17 years and the last 10 have been rough , I destroyed my marriage over the years by having affairs . My husband hates me and wants nothing to do with me but we still have 4 kids together . He wants a divorce but I don't and we agreed to do the papers together civily . Please help I need prayers I feel so lost and confused
 
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