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getting REAL !

( NOTE : I Think of the words of Paul saying there is nothing good within our flesh )******************************************************** As I walk about in this empty tomb of flesh. seemingly disembodied from my soul. I wonder ? What Hope God can have For a reached being as me ! I know what my goal is ! the scriptures are clear ! on what (I SHOULD BE !) but the chains of corruption bind my flesh ! as I conclude a day. I find I weight little on the scale of life. the dammed have little I could hold over them. compared to knowing how far I am from being WHAT I am suppose to be! NOTHING in my day shows the work we are to do ! I find it petty and self serving. how little I can resemble the wonderful word Christian !!! I tremble before His Thrown!.. There is a deepth that (( We chose not to deal with ! )) that outward man WONT reveal! .. when I do something for the lord.. is it truly FOR him? or is it for me? how can I be so sure of my salvation? ..He is true ! But I am not! I am like a ***** SERVING the flesh! but not truly coming to the place of wholeness that is Godly! .. for I wake up and say " Today I will Serve him ! " and go to bed saying MY GOD! I have let you down! the politics of dealing with friend , family , people, SHOW ME! what lack of control I have! For I cant tolerate the dealings I make with them ! (TRYING) to hold you Lord in the forefront of the day. they are mean, cruel, and draw your mind into the slime of their iniquity. like brainlessness! I say I am praying. so they wait until your done! then tell you the nastiest joke they can imagine ! and because of the politics of the relationships you must keep with them. I feel insane trying to govern my soul over my flesh..THE FLESH !.. what a distributable wanton thing it is ! AM I ? To be dammed for all eternity because of its UNHOLY continence toward distructsion ? (Is there NO END to its betrayal? ) I cant even begin to see how to rule it! God is my only hope ! AH But the day is still fresh ! and the sin of cussing , greed , lust, anger, and intolerance have yet to rare its ugly head ! so Satan says WHO DO YOU THINK YOUR FOOLING! OTHERS YES ! GOD NO! YOUR NOT GOING TO MAKE IT! YOUR GOING TO BE CAUGHT WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN SINNING AT THE APPOINTED TIME OF HIS COMING! Yet my soul crying out. NO Father. let this not be so! I hunger for your peace , your protection , your liberty , your (((GRACE ! ))) For I definitely don't deserve it!! but still if I can sacrifice this flesh unto you SO BE IT!! by our works we are NOT saved . lest any man boast. but by GRACE ( UNMERITED LOVE! )AMEN AND AMEN ! but ye shall know them by their works! AH there we come back to the fleshly deeds that bind us. so is it LOVE, Joy , Peace, temperance, Long suffering, forbearance that rule? or THE WAR! yes I know the armor. but I am not worthy to even look at it! DEAD MANS BONES! walking inside the world. can I just say the magic words and be reborn today? Iv not seen God force the flesh to go away! true when Iv been the closest its been said I was farthest away from God.. I don't KNOW THAT I KNOW! anymore! I fear God so that it shakes my soul! for I wish to SERVE him! and I wake up and say today I will serve you lord. and two hows later cussing out my kid! is that service NO! I WANT TO BE REAL! I WANT TO BE REAL! I WANT TO BE REAL! I want to hear my Lord say WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT! help me change PLEASE LORD ! I Love You Jesus!
THANK YOU! for understanding this one! some people see it as REAL messed up. but I wrote it TRYING to strip off fakeness and geting to the heart of being real.
I do wish more people would talk on this one! as I wish to know if they too. have this problem and what they do to resolve it.