Hello everyone, I have been a faithful Christian ever since I was 4 or 5. And I always believed that God had a will and plan for everyone and he is always there for us. Most importantly, I always believed that he will never give us more than we can handle. But recently, I am starting to collapse. Everyday I’m getting near the end and I don’t think I can hang in there much longer. Life has been hell for me, today I finally let go and cried so painfully because I just cannot hold it in much longer. My relationship has fallen apart. The girl I loved so dearly for 6 years has left me, and I always thought she was the one. In fact I still do, I don’t mean to sound obsessive or opinionated l, but I still just have that gut feel that she’s the one that’s meant to be. I know in the past I’ve hurt her a bunch of times, but I was young and I love her. But this time I tried to save this relationship but it was no good. Friends say I wasn’t trying hard enough but there’s nothing more that I can do. Everyday I live in nightmares and live like a zombie because I just cannot think. Just a few days ago, for the first time in my entire life I woke up crying. I guess I finally just had it. And life is just... I don’t know how to say this but I know that this life I’m currently living is not aligned with who I really am or for the real purpose of me being in this world. Everyday I feel like I’m further off from what I truly should be living. I don’t know how I can describe it to you guys but I just know this is not the kind of life I should be living and I have absolutely no power to change that. I am not who I really am and I’m just not in sync with this current life. I know you all say that God has a purpose and plan for all of us but I really cannot see it. And I cannot feel the love and presence of God at all. I’m so close to renouncing my faith, I don’t wanna donthat but it has became to a point where I’m near giving up. And I know you all say that a better life awaits if we just be patient and hang on, but what you don’t understand is I am suffering right “now” and I cannot hold on much longer. Suicide has once again popped into my head quite a few times today. I don’t know where God is. I am close to losing it and be still has not given me any hope or let me see any way out. I am so tired of this life I lm thinking maybe I should just end the pain myself because I’ve waited and waited and God has not changed a thing. So from now on there is no hope in me. I don’t know where God is and I cannot deal with this anymore. I pray and pray but nothing ever happened. And so I give up. Don’t know how much longer it takes to give up my life but it’s heading in that direction. I cannot suffer any longer. Maybe I’ll go to hell but what’s the difference. I’m living in hell right now. I used to be the most outgoing, positive and optimistic person ever. I always bring joy to other people. But maybe God doesn’t like that because I am close to losing it. Everyone talks about God miraculously healing them. Why won’t He do that for me? Why won’t He take away even a little of the pain? Why won’t He give me even a little relief? How does He expect me to believe that He is real and He is good when He treats me like crap? and I refuse to just sit around and wait for our “loving” God to decide I’ve been tormented enough. I’d rather end the pain myself.