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Divorce after a thirty year marriage

Discussion in 'Counseling' started by Trisha, Apr 8, 2012.

  1. There is not much help for a person divorced after a long term marriage. This is a life built and then in an instant demolished. No matter how bad or good it was it is still gone in a *Poof*

    Then all of a sudden a person who has never been alone in their entire life is cast to the four winds. Some end up in the psyche ward and some end in suicide.

    A long term marriage ended is not the same thing as say a 15 year long marriage ended. Also most of the help seems to be aimed at making some sort of relationship between the divorced persons work for the sake of children. Then there is alot on doing the best for the children, which is important if you have dependent children. But what about adult children of divorced parents...not much info.

    And the divorced are in a single life they didn't choose if they are the one who didn't choose to leave the marriage. In most cases one wants the marriage and one doesn't. So how does the person cope with this singleness while coping with rejection and longing for their old life, the only one they knew, good or bad.

    You have to build a whole new life which is extremely hard after thirty or forty years. It is daunting really.

    All Im saying is don't forget about these (usually) women who have lost the only life they have known. They feel afraid, rejected and feel as though they have been thrown to the wolves. Their mothering days are over at about the same time, so they may feel like they are no good to anyone anymore. They just don't feel like they fit in anywhere. Then there is the financial struggle that usually ensues.

    The hardest part is that most people do not understand the mess these women find themselves in.

    The help comes from the Lord. He is our help in times of trouble. He will send people to help and make sense out of situations that we cannot understand on our own. No one else on earth can understand us like He can. And understanding is what we most need for our bruised emotions and demolished life.

    The church has largely ignored divorce. There is a group for married, singles, women, men, everything but for hurting divorced people. I realize the church is interested in keeping people together but the sad fact is,,,,divorce is happening at an alarming rate whether we pay attention to it or not. This is not all churches as there is the odd divorce care group, but this is mostly aimed at people with children and how to do the best for the kids.

    People who are widowed are in a separate category altogether than the divorced. Often times they do not deal with the rejection, and the many losses and twists in relationships that divorced people suffer. Losing someone through death is awful but a more natural event than someone who is still out there walking around, him and all his relatives and friends, who are living sometimes in the same city, maybe in the same neighborhood. The dead cannot spread lies, the dead cannot attend parties you both have been invited to, people cannot ask "have you seen **** lately?" (because they have not been educated not to bring that up)....and usually they do not ask "Have you found anybody yet" Yes, these are real questions. There are so many ramifications of divorce that no one knows. Woman suffer in silence, some men also.

    What the churches need is to wake up and see these suffering people and not just for a few months, it takes approximately one year for every four years married to get over a divorce you didn't want, so I hear and I can believe it. You have to build an entirely new life for yourself, which is a bit easier if you are able to move to the other side of the country. But not everyone can do that.

    I am just now starting to get through this maze of 8 years. I still have dreams of him, some ok, some awful. Only with the Lord have I survived because suicide has crossed my mind a few times. But we have a hope and a person to turn to if we are a Christian. He is ALL we have to lean on. We don't have a man or men to help. We are on our own and we also need to have other women who understand at least as much as they can how we feel, and that means other women who have come through it and survived.

    This is long and I thank you for the place to post this. If anyone is in a bad way through divorce and needs to talk to someone who has been in that pit and seen absolutely no future life because they are older, I would ask them to pm me. It is a tremendous help to have someone else to listen, give practical advice, pray for them and direct them to the One who can truly help them.
  2. This is such excellent counsel I must commend you. You have poured your heart into this message and it shows. The heart of God also is also very evident here, Bless you Sister.

    Luke 22:32 "I have prayed for you that your own faith may not fail. When you have come back, you must strengthen your brothers."

    This is Gods way.
  3. ive had three..not my choice but they still happened..its such a devistating experience but ive learned and grown due to each one..the last lesson was keep youre eyes on Christ no matter what..youre only responsable for your own walk no one elses...
  4. Christ's Refreshing Positive Fruits To Fight Sin

    Sometimes I wonder if such powerful suffering of divorce is almost greater than the persecution of Christ who died to save us from our persecutions with the deceiving power of sin from Satan. I always pray silently within my heart where my spiritual protector Jesus Christ lives: to bring me peace and joy so supernatural, the power of annoying sin washes away from my mind and body, until it feels like a weak dandelion that becomes totally inactivated. Such healing miraculous power of Christ has to be proven from self-experience that the Word Of God says what it says, and that the Living Word of God is not just ordinary words that do nothing to our faith, our combined faith with the faith of Christ as we are spiritually one union with Christ. All problem pressures of the past are overtaken by the refreshing and constant spirit of the positive fruits of Christ that make us more valuable than what it feels to win an Oscar at the Academy Awards. Christ values us more and more as we love him more and more in return. Marriage with Christ is a spiritual experience that will greatly be enhanced when Jesus returns to transform us, hopefully very soon, so that sin will no longer be a nuisance since Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden Of Eden.:*:.
  5. Yes, God is the healer for sure, but there are many things that are bombarding us and we may not be able to even pray at such a devastating time. Others can pray for us if we reach out, that is one thing I would tell someone. After a long marriage you don't even know who you are anymore when cast into a single life and where to start to pick up the pieces if you have no job, are afraid to live alone, feel you have lost all. Then there are the relationship changes due to the divorce. I just want to help anyone out there by drawing from my own experience. Ultimately it was the love of the Lord that helped me. His Word and His people were what got me through and it can help others if someone prays for them and keeps pointing them to Christ.
    As I was helped, I would like to help others.
  6. I have known my wife 27 years. She is an amazing woman. I give credit to you for your strength and I feel for you. I cannot imagine the feelings you have had to face, the sadness that must have accompanied your divorce. So many questions, maybe few answers.

    Thank God we have our beloved Jesus to turn to accompanied by His body to help, care, share and build up each other. Bless you sister, may you be blessed in the next phase of your journey. As one door closes, another opens. (2 Timothy 4:7-8) I have competed well; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith.8 From now on the crown of righteousness awaits me, which the Lord, the just judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me, but to all who have longed for his appearance.

    I cannot imagine life without my wife. May your story be an inspiration for other women. May you finish the race well as we await His return.

    God Bless.
  7. Yes, it is certainly challenging. But with God all things are possible. Being single I have to rely more on God than before, which is a good thing. He is a husband to the husbandless.
  8. Good sister Trisha! First! I sure cannot speak much on the feeling you must be going through! I have never endured such hardship in that area! To which I am most thankful. But I can speak about divorce in another realm! I was divorced from the Lord for a time in my life! To say I felt bad,would be not the right words!

    The need to be wanted,or desired is with us all dear sister! We all need this! We examine ourselves after something bad has happened to us,whether it is our fault or not really does not matter! What does matter is how we overcome through the problem! Who do we look to for strength? For comfort? Yes for love?

    When we were first born here,we had no one,we came alone into this world,we leave the very same way. True we had parents to tend to us,but when we were born, who could we look to? What did we know? All we knew was we are now here.

    That is all we knew. It is in this time we reflect upon the true meaning of who we are,what we have become,and where we are now going in life.After reflection many think there life has been a waste,but this could not be more wrong! How many hearts and minds would not have been touched by Jesus in you,if you were not here?

    How many would become lost? How many??? We were not put on this earth,to be alone. But to understand what alone truly is,walk in your life without Jesus!I did, for 8 years!! I never was so alone in my entire life! God knows our needs,he knows how insecure we can become.He also knows,he loves you!

    He also know how even in your despair at times,how great you have been used by him just to help another! A gentle hand upon anothers shoulders,a kind word to someone who really!! Needed it! It is why we the sisters and brothers of our Lord are here! To give you a kind word,to rest our hands upon you in gentle love and kindness. What you have meant to us, cannot ever be measured!

    You may think, oh he is just being sweet,but in truth this is really so! How much help you have given to others here,you cannot know! But the fact is, you have!And because you have,that measure will one day, hopefully sooner rather then later be given back to you 100 fold. expect this! Look for this! Do not see what is present,see what is in store for you!!

    When you mind sees this, the heart will follow,and when this happens someone will come along to take your heart. to make it whole again in Christ Jesus! But first! there is a lesson to be learned! We must learn who Jesus really is,and why we care so much for him!

    It is the peace of God which holds us,no matter how we feel, or what things appear to us as. When someone needed a kind word and you came up to them, perhaps at first they thought oh oh!! LOL But after you spoke to them,they thought very different! That is because we do not come to judge another,we come to heal another.

    By a kind word,or a gentle pat on the back. Continue growing sis,do not think you have come to the end of the race!! It is not over till the Lord says it is over! You have many more things to do! You have many more places to go! We all have so very much to learn! In learning a new mate, the Lord may soon bring to you,but this time he wants to prepare both your heart, and your mind! So learn!! Take advantage of the time you now have to learn from the Lord!

    It is not another person who keeps our joy for us Trisha,it is not a new person, who allows us to keep our peace.NOPE!! It is only Jesus who can do this! he does this because no matter how you feel, or look like or anything!! God LOVES YOU!! YOU!!! All by yourself!! Let him do this! Do not tell him I have so many faults, he knows!! Do not make excuses why you cannot be loved! He does not want to hear it!

    He loves us no matter what!! period! Accept this love sis!! Do not run from it! That is all I am led by the Lord to tell you.except for this!! you know I have to have a scripture!! LOL( Philippians 4:1-14 then verses19-20 You matter!! you always have mattered to God!! have peace in this!! As we all have peace in one another through our Jesus! amen
  9. I have said to some who came for counseling "divorce is like your mate passes on, divorce is like that except the dead mate is up walking about you." No words can explain death or what divorce feels like. Every emotion from shame to relief come and no one is exempt any emotion you can think of.

    No one can say divorce will never happen to me. Married are dependant upon each other keeping their walk with the Lord steadfast. No one can control their spouse and the things they do. The Bible says "hard hartedness" is always there in divorce. We need to keenly aware of our own emotions, and secret thoughts. Marriage needs constant care, and constant feeding. For instance I believe when the Bible says the woman is the weaker person in the marriage, a better way to understand this is to say thje "softer one". We are equal before God, with different tasks.

    Taking time to nurture each other is vital. But most married's don't have a clue to nuture means. Sometimes marride couples have totally step in and carry a large load of the other spouse. In the last month something has happened in my knees and legs, I am pretty much wheelchair bound. This is a very diffiicult time for us both, but more on my wife than me. I can complain and make both of our lived really bad. But I have choosed to encourage my wife with appreciation praise and thankfulness, and I do what ever I can. This is a time some could not deal with.

    "Until death parts us" is easy to say at 24, but at in your sixties it is not just words. It now takes commitment to a very high level. The same iis said for any age in our marriage, every day takes commitment and constant reminding this is a covenant marriage.

    No matter if we are by our self or married, take every day one minuet at a time. Sometine we must ask Jesus to hold on to us one second at a time as well. He never fails.
  10. #10 Trisha, May 2, 2012
    Last edited: May 2, 2012
    Thank you for your posts. I am very pleased that you have taken this very seriously and hope others who are so hurt by divorce will read all of these posts and find comfort in them. The love of God will sustain us and our brothers and sisters will speak words from His heart to assure us of His enduring love. They are such an encouragement. Every day is full of new possibilities because nothing is impossible for God. If newly divorced after a lengthy marriage do not lose hope for better days to come. The bad days will lessen and you will laugh again and know that God has good things in store for you at the proper time. Your hope is in the Lord, allow him to be your husband.
    I have seen alot of things happen for my good and attribute them only to God's goodness and you will too, so do not allow what someone else has done to take away from your relationship with God. He hates divorce, not the divorced so it was never His will that marriages break up. The enemy of our souls likes to get in and mess with relationships and maybe the person who walked away just was not strong enough or didn't know the Lord. Never blame God for the break up, it is not his will to tear families apart. No wonder He hates it so much, he sees all the repercussions.
    He Loves Us ! We cannot know the extent of His love, it is not limited like ours is. He is the extreme lover, totally and completely in love with us, His very own creation.

    The avitar I have chosen represents protection. The Lord shields me from everything on all sides.

  11. Amen. He loves us completely with a perfect love.

    You're avatar is great, very inspiring.
  12. For all sho have suffered this pain, my condolences. God Himself is a divorcee (Jer 3:8) so we can easily say He understands. It is the church who needs to open her eyes and love first leaving the finger pointing and rejecting of the wounded to the unbelievers.

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