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Dissecting the Sister Bond - March 28, 2007
I was blessed to have two sisters. Also a dear brother, but right now I want to explore the unique things that happen growing up in what often felt like a household of girls. If you read this column regularly you know that my husband and I were also blessed with three girls. No boys, but that is another topic.
Vikki Stark is a family therapist in Montreal and has written a helpful book published in late 2006 entitled My Sister, My Self (McGraw-Hill) with many profiles and illustrations of the fascinating complexity of sister relationships.
One of our favorite moments as parents in recent years with the girls was the day on vacation they went off together while we were all at a huge flea market. When they met up with us again, they were sporting newly purchased T-shirts: one shirt said "I'm the big sister." One said "I'm the little sister." And the third shirt said "I'm the middle sister." The three of them together made quite a picture; as one of them said, "Without the middle sister, we would have just looked weird to be wearing T-shirts like that at our ages, but with the third sister, many people stopped us and asked us where we found the shirts." (Answer, at a booth doing customized shirts.)
In her book, Stark contends that our positions in the family are vitally important in how we relate to everyone from boss to husband to colleague. She says, "Merely having grown up as a younger, middle, older or twin sister leads to the development of fundamental character traits that affect how you feel about yourself and how you relate to other people. Qualities such as independence or dependence, comfort with risk-taking, confidence in your abilities, a need for closeness or distance, a tendency to under- or overfunction, or even the desire to be taken care of, these all often develop as a result of your sister role, but rarely do women recognize that fact" (p.4).
It is interesting to play psychoanalyst and probably a little dangerous, but if you have sisters or are raising sisters, you will enjoy Ms. Stark's book. As she says, brothers and men have their own peculiarities that merit separate study (which she hopes to do).
Of course there is a hugely fun side, too, as you think about the things that draw you together. "One woman told me that when she gets together with her sister, if someone says Brussels sprouts, they both laugh hysterically," Starr said of her research.
Among my sisters, if one girl says "Fisherman in the sea"--the rest of us will launch into "Well, don't catch me!" which is a line from one of the many story records we listened to as children. Our families roll their eyes as we recite the rest of the story even though they've heard it many times before. My own girls enjoy reciting verbatim much of the dialogue from Disney movies like "Cinderella" and "The Little Mermaid."
Sometimes the feelings of childhood evoke negative feelings, like jealousy and spite: you demanded all the attention; no one ever treats me like an adult. Stark got the idea for the book when her youngest daughter made an off-hand comment one day. She said, "No matter who I'm with, I always feel like a little sister."
"A 100-watt light bulb went off in my head," writes Stark, "because it's the same with me. I can be in a room full of women who are younger than me and I'll still feel like the ingenue. I started asking some friends about their identities in relation to this sibling bond, and their interest and enthusiasm just talking about it was electric! Over 400 women, teens and girls contributed vignettes for the book. Almost all who participated said the experience made them appreciate their sisters more, or made them want to mend fences. Read more at My Sister, My Self - Understanding the Sibling Relationship that Shapes Our Lives, Our Loves and Ourselves
Whatever your relationship as children, working through the tangled emotions and immaturity to come to an adult relationship and understanding can be rewarding.
Contributed by Melodie Davis: [email protected] Melodie is the author of eight books and writes a syndicated newspaper column, Another Way
I was blessed to have two sisters. Also a dear brother, but right now I want to explore the unique things that happen growing up in what often felt like a household of girls. If you read this column regularly you know that my husband and I were also blessed with three girls. No boys, but that is another topic.
Vikki Stark is a family therapist in Montreal and has written a helpful book published in late 2006 entitled My Sister, My Self (McGraw-Hill) with many profiles and illustrations of the fascinating complexity of sister relationships.
One of our favorite moments as parents in recent years with the girls was the day on vacation they went off together while we were all at a huge flea market. When they met up with us again, they were sporting newly purchased T-shirts: one shirt said "I'm the big sister." One said "I'm the little sister." And the third shirt said "I'm the middle sister." The three of them together made quite a picture; as one of them said, "Without the middle sister, we would have just looked weird to be wearing T-shirts like that at our ages, but with the third sister, many people stopped us and asked us where we found the shirts." (Answer, at a booth doing customized shirts.)
In her book, Stark contends that our positions in the family are vitally important in how we relate to everyone from boss to husband to colleague. She says, "Merely having grown up as a younger, middle, older or twin sister leads to the development of fundamental character traits that affect how you feel about yourself and how you relate to other people. Qualities such as independence or dependence, comfort with risk-taking, confidence in your abilities, a need for closeness or distance, a tendency to under- or overfunction, or even the desire to be taken care of, these all often develop as a result of your sister role, but rarely do women recognize that fact" (p.4).
It is interesting to play psychoanalyst and probably a little dangerous, but if you have sisters or are raising sisters, you will enjoy Ms. Stark's book. As she says, brothers and men have their own peculiarities that merit separate study (which she hopes to do).
Of course there is a hugely fun side, too, as you think about the things that draw you together. "One woman told me that when she gets together with her sister, if someone says Brussels sprouts, they both laugh hysterically," Starr said of her research.
Among my sisters, if one girl says "Fisherman in the sea"--the rest of us will launch into "Well, don't catch me!" which is a line from one of the many story records we listened to as children. Our families roll their eyes as we recite the rest of the story even though they've heard it many times before. My own girls enjoy reciting verbatim much of the dialogue from Disney movies like "Cinderella" and "The Little Mermaid."
Sometimes the feelings of childhood evoke negative feelings, like jealousy and spite: you demanded all the attention; no one ever treats me like an adult. Stark got the idea for the book when her youngest daughter made an off-hand comment one day. She said, "No matter who I'm with, I always feel like a little sister."
"A 100-watt light bulb went off in my head," writes Stark, "because it's the same with me. I can be in a room full of women who are younger than me and I'll still feel like the ingenue. I started asking some friends about their identities in relation to this sibling bond, and their interest and enthusiasm just talking about it was electric! Over 400 women, teens and girls contributed vignettes for the book. Almost all who participated said the experience made them appreciate their sisters more, or made them want to mend fences. Read more at My Sister, My Self - Understanding the Sibling Relationship that Shapes Our Lives, Our Loves and Ourselves
Whatever your relationship as children, working through the tangled emotions and immaturity to come to an adult relationship and understanding can be rewarding.
Contributed by Melodie Davis: [email protected] Melodie is the author of eight books and writes a syndicated newspaper column, Another Way
