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Different by Design

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In the marriage relationship, knowing and understanding that we are different can mean the difference between a successful loving marriage or a complete disaster. Our ability to communicate is greatly hinged on knowing how the other hears. We can not be effective communicators if what we are saying or what we are trying to say is perceived differently by our spouse. The problem being, we are saying things that make perfect sense to us, but not necessarily to the one we are speaking. We might think we are making a successful point while to our spouse we are not making a point at all, or even worse what we’re saying coming across as something totally different and we don’t even realize it. I don’t know about you but in our early days of marriage this happened to us a lot. I didn’t know or understand how different we really were. Have you ever said something that was taken the wrong way or misunderstood? I think we all have been there.

God made us totally different and what’s more, He did it on purpose. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

Marriage can be Heaven on Earth, or hell itself. Nobody ever starts out with a preconceived idea that the person they are marrying is going to create a living hell for them, but so many times that is exactly what happens. This was not Gods intention from the beginning, yet it is many times the case. If that is the case for you, if you are in a marriage relationship that is floundering, please realize that there is hope. Communication is a learned skill set. Nobody starts out with all the answers, they have to be learned. In my opinion that is something that takes a lifetime. I believe we never stop learning. We are all in process so we should show grace to one another as this is Gods desire. He shows us grace and we should show one another grace. You may have the attitude that your spouse just doesn’t deserve any more grace from you, but God in His infinite love showed grace to us when we least deserved it. As a matter of fact I believe that this is Gods desire is to show the world what great grace is through your marriage.

He created us so totally different, yet we can only see through our eyes, not through the eyes of our spouse. We have to learn the way our spouse receives and processes information. We tend to take it for granted that they think like we do when that is just not at all the case. I had a real revelation in this area a little over 15 years ago. We went to our first marriage conference and I heard this minister talking about how different we are, and for the first time I began to understand some things. At that time we had been married 25 years and I thought I pretty much knew it all. I have since found out that I didn’t know nearly as much as I thought, and had a lot of catching up to do. I have found this same attitude with a lot of couples, especially with the men. The way we communicate is completely different, and the way we receive communication is completely different. I’m still learning but thank God for that man. He helped us turn our marriage around.

My wife and I are now certified marriage specialist and we endeavor to help other couples. Our great desire is to help others avoid the snags and pit falls that we went through. I especially like working with pre marriage counseling as we get to help others start out the right way. What an incredible difference that makes. We didn’t get any counseling and it was just by our desire to not get divorced that kept us together. However that did not make a good marriage, we both had to learn.

As I’ve already stated God created us different. I think it is safe to say that we will often try to control and even fear the things we don’t understand and even eventually come to resent those things that God gave to us to be a blessing. Gods Word tells us that finding a wife is a blessing from God. A blessing is conditional. With every blessing comes responsibility. We have to know how to take care of the blessing that God has entrusted to us. I don’t want it to be said that I opposed the blessing of God, or resented the gift that He gave me, do you? We all have to start somewhere, so lets start by being grateful for the blessing. It is hard to be gracious to an ingrate. It is no different with God. We set ourselves up for failure if we won’t first acknowledge the wonderful gift He has given to us.

We must recognize that our spouse is not our enemy, there is a war against marriage in our country and around the world, but that war should not be against our spouse. Lets recognize who the real enemy is and that his job is to divide us. If we have proper understanding and the right tools, it will make all the difference in the world.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

If we don’t know how to do that then we are going to have a hard time. Thank God He didn’t leave us defenseless. Lets start out by understanding we are not opposites, however we are different. If we do not understand this then we may start to see our spouse as the opposition. They aren’t the opposition, Satan is. Understanding who we are in our God given role is a critical first step.

Revised Standard Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

He made us man, male and female. That is not making one part of man superior to the other part of man, but we are different parts of man and we have a different function and role to play. In today’s society people don’t want to hear this, as it’s become politically incorrect to say any thing to the contrary. That doesn’t mean that it is not true. As we all can see the role of man and wife is getting blurred. Young people are being taught all kinds of crazy things in school that sounds so non offensive yet I believe it’s meant to intentionally confuse. Our children are growing up in a society with no clear roles. No wonder we’re in such a mess! God has given us each a very distinct purpose on this earth We each have a job to do. I am not better than my wife or visa a versa, but we are different. Knowing and understanding our differences can mean the difference between success or failure. If we’re not walking in our God given roles how are we ever going to fulfill the plan and purpose of God has for our lives?

There is an agenda and our families are at stake, make no mistake about it! There is a lot of science out there saying how different we really are. All you have to do is do a little research and you will see that we see differently, we hear differently, we smell and taste differently, we even can feel differently. Many studies have shown that women are more sensitive to touch. That is not to mention how different our brains work. There’s lots of scientific studies on this one aspect alone. Wow.

I read one study recently while doing some research that was talking about the science side and the political side of gender difference. This was an older article possible 20 years old, but even back then the people doing these studies were coming up against the politically correctness crowd. This wasn’t a Christian based article, they were just doing scientific research. This fight has been around for a very long time, from the very beginning.

We have to know who the real enemy is and that he is trying to destroy the family unit.

New King James Matthew 19:6 "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.''

There is a real enemy out there and we must know his tricks and not allow division in our marriage! Society is trying to separate us, This battle is getting more intense all the time. We do not have to be fooled by Satan’s devices, Amen?

We see things differently, we process information differently. Women will use both the left and right sides of their brain at the same time while men typically use only one side at a time. It takes time and patience to learn how we communicate and receive communication from someone who sees things differently. We’ve got to work at it. A great marriage takes work, there are no shortcuts, it doesn’t just happen.



You will never mold your spouse into your image. Learn to appreciate the differences instead of resenting them. The Bible says 2 are better than one. When we come into agreement there is power. If we can’t come into agreement then there is division. Nobody wants that. My wife and I seldom see things the same. We see things from different perspectives. However because of this we can come together and be better at solving problems and finding solutions. We should be a solution oriented unit. Problems are going to come, but the question is how are we going to solve them. We must remember that we are not trying to win an argument we are trying to find the solution to the problem, so seeing things from a different perspective is a good thing. We can look at a situation from different ways and come up with a solution. Every problem is not a life or death or a heaven or hell discussion, we should be open and flexible to the solution. Lets get the mind of God together and fix something.



I will say this especially to the guys, be attentive to your wife when she is talking. If you won’t then many times she will quit talking and you will loose a great resource in your marriage. Beside that you can cause an opening for resentment and resentment can turn into bitterness which is a very hard thing to get rid of. So listen to what she has to say, consider what she has to say. She should know that if she has something to say and is trying to communicate that you care enough to pay attention. If you refuse to pay attention you are refusing the greatest gift God has given you outside of salvation and the Holy Spirit; a gift you need by the way. If you are rejecting her you are also rejecting the One who gave her to you. She will pick up on things that you don’t and see. The Bible says there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. Remember she has the Spirit of God dwelling in her as well. I saw one study a couple of years ago where 200 couples; one couple at a time were driven down a one mile stretch of road and then asked to write down everything they saw. Women saw approximately 79 things and guys saw approximately 12. It’s interesting to see just how differently we see. It doesn’t mean guys are not paying attention, but we look at things differently. Guys have a tendency to focus in on specific things where as the ladies are taking it all in. I’ve learned to appreciate our differences and not resent them. We are stronger and better together than apart, don’t ever forget that! We each have different strengths and different weaknesses and together we are stronger because we will cover each others weaknesses not exploit them. Lets build something together.



It takes grace to take 2 totally different creatures and bring them together and make them one.



Matthew 19:5 "and said, `For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?



I believe this is a lifelong process, becoming one. Its not easy but the rewards are great as we learn to submit to one another in the fear of the Lord and grow together in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ.



This is a powerful truth if we will receive it. Our wives should be a reflection of God and we have a responsibility to help her get there.



We are no longer 2 but one flesh, we hurt ourselves when we don’t treat our wives right.

Our wives are the greatest gift outside of Salvation and the Holy Spirit that we have, not your children; your wife. So build her up with the Word of God. Speak life over her regardless of the circumstances, even if you have to call those things which be not as though they are.



Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it, 26. that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27. that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.



Pray together and set goals together, she can’t be a helpmate if you don’t know where you are going can she? God will give us direction throughout our life and by His grace enable us to fulfill His will. We have to depend on Him first and on each other second. We are called to succeed and not fail. Just remember this life is a journey on the way to a destination, enjoy it.



We are stronger together so we should build one another up and show grace to one another. None of us are perfect, just remember God’s great grace that He has shown to us. Pray for one another and build one another up, the stronger you make one another the stronger your marriage will become. As with all things marriage takes work, it doesn’t just happen without it. It’s worth It. Amen
 
Member
Here is one they don't preach in christian marriage seminars -
I Cor 7:32-35

32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:


33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.


34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

35 And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.

For this reason I love being single.
 
Member
Top Poster Of Month
In the marriage relationship, knowing and understanding that we are different can mean the difference between a successful loving marriage or a complete disaster. Our ability to communicate is greatly hinged on knowing how the other hears. We can not be effective communicators if what we are saying or what we are trying to say is perceived differently by our spouse. The problem being, we are saying things that make perfect sense to us, but not necessarily to the one we are speaking. We might think we are making a successful point while to our spouse we are not making a point at all, or even worse what we’re saying coming across as something totally different and we don’t even realize it. I don’t know about you but in our early days of marriage this happened to us a lot. I didn’t know or understand how different we really were. Have you ever said something that was taken the wrong way or misunderstood? I think we all have been there.

God made us totally different and what’s more, He did it on purpose. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

Marriage can be Heaven on Earth, or hell itself. Nobody ever starts out with a preconceived idea that the person they are marrying is going to create a living hell for them, but so many times that is exactly what happens. This was not Gods intention from the beginning, yet it is many times the case. If that is the case for you, if you are in a marriage relationship that is floundering, please realize that there is hope. Communication is a learned skill set. Nobody starts out with all the answers, they have to be learned. In my opinion that is something that takes a lifetime. I believe we never stop learning. We are all in process so we should show grace to one another as this is Gods desire. He shows us grace and we should show one another grace. You may have the attitude that your spouse just doesn’t deserve any more grace from you, but God in His infinite love showed grace to us when we least deserved it. As a matter of fact I believe that this is Gods desire is to show the world what great grace is through your marriage.

He created us so totally different, yet we can only see through our eyes, not through the eyes of our spouse. We have to learn the way our spouse receives and processes information. We tend to take it for granted that they think like we do when that is just not at all the case. I had a real revelation in this area a little over 15 years ago. We went to our first marriage conference and I heard this minister talking about how different we are, and for the first time I began to understand some things. At that time we had been married 25 years and I thought I pretty much knew it all. I have since found out that I didn’t know nearly as much as I thought, and had a lot of catching up to do. I have found this same attitude with a lot of couples, especially with the men. The way we communicate is completely different, and the way we receive communication is completely different. I’m still learning but thank God for that man. He helped us turn our marriage around.

My wife and I are now certified marriage specialist and we endeavor to help other couples. Our great desire is to help others avoid the snags and pit falls that we went through. I especially like working with pre marriage counseling as we get to help others start out the right way. What an incredible difference that makes. We didn’t get any counseling and it was just by our desire to not get divorced that kept us together. However that did not make a good marriage, we both had to learn.

As I’ve already stated God created us different. I think it is safe to say that we will often try to control and even fear the things we don’t understand and even eventually come to resent those things that God gave to us to be a blessing. Gods Word tells us that finding a wife is a blessing from God. A blessing is conditional. With every blessing comes responsibility. We have to know how to take care of the blessing that God has entrusted to us. I don’t want it to be said that I opposed the blessing of God, or resented the gift that He gave me, do you? We all have to start somewhere, so lets start by being grateful for the blessing. It is hard to be gracious to an ingrate. It is no different with God. We set ourselves up for failure if we won’t first acknowledge the wonderful gift He has given to us.

We must recognize that our spouse is not our enemy, there is a war against marriage in our country and around the world, but that war should not be against our spouse. Lets recognize who the real enemy is and that his job is to divide us. If we have proper understanding and the right tools, it will make all the difference in the world.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

If we don’t know how to do that then we are going to have a hard time. Thank God He didn’t leave us defenseless. Lets start out by understanding we are not opposites, however we are different. If we do not understand this then we may start to see our spouse as the opposition. They aren’t the opposition, Satan is. Understanding who we are in our God given role is a critical first step.

Revised Standard Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

He made us man, male and female. That is not making one part of man superior to the other part of man, but we are different parts of man and we have a different function and role to play. In today’s society people don’t want to hear this, as it’s become politically incorrect to say any thing to the contrary. That doesn’t mean that it is not true. As we all can see the role of man and wife is getting blurred. Young people are being taught all kinds of crazy things in school that sounds so non offensive yet I believe it’s meant to intentionally confuse. Our children are growing up in a society with no clear roles. No wonder we’re in such a mess! God has given us each a very distinct purpose on this earth We each have a job to do. I am not better than my wife or visa a versa, but we are different. Knowing and understanding our differences can mean the difference between success or failure. If we’re not walking in our God given roles how are we ever going to fulfill the plan and purpose of God has for our lives?

There is an agenda and our families are at stake, make no mistake about it! There is a lot of science out there saying how different we really are. All you have to do is do a little research and you will see that we see differently, we hear differently, we smell and taste differently, we even can feel differently. Many studies have shown that women are more sensitive to touch. That is not to mention how different our brains work. There’s lots of scientific studies on this one aspect alone. Wow.

I read one study recently while doing some research that was talking about the science side and the political side of gender difference. This was an older article possible 20 years old, but even back then the people doing these studies were coming up against the politically correctness crowd. This wasn’t a Christian based article, they were just doing scientific research. This fight has been around for a very long time, from the very beginning.

We have to know who the real enemy is and that he is trying to destroy the family unit.

New King James Matthew 19:6 "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.''

There is a real enemy out there and we must know his tricks and not allow division in our marriage! Society is trying to separate us, This battle is getting more intense all the time. We do not have to be fooled by Satan’s devices, Amen?

We see things differently, we process information differently. Women will use both the left and right sides of their brain at the same time while men typically use only one side at a time. It takes time and patience to learn how we communicate and receive communication from someone who sees things differently. We’ve got to work at it. A great marriage takes work, there are no shortcuts, it doesn’t just happen.



You will never mold your spouse into your image. Learn to appreciate the differences instead of resenting them. The Bible says 2 are better than one. When we come into agreement there is power. If we can’t come into agreement then there is division. Nobody wants that. My wife and I seldom see things the same. We see things from different perspectives. However because of this we can come together and be better at solving problems and finding solutions. We should be a solution oriented unit. Problems are going to come, but the question is how are we going to solve them. We must remember that we are not trying to win an argument we are trying to find the solution to the problem, so seeing things from a different perspective is a good thing. We can look at a situation from different ways and come up with a solution. Every problem is not a life or death or a heaven or hell discussion, we should be open and flexible to the solution. Lets get the mind of God together and fix something.



I will say this especially to the guys, be attentive to your wife when she is talking. If you won’t then many times she will quit talking and you will loose a great resource in your marriage. Beside that you can cause an opening for resentment and resentment can turn into bitterness which is a very hard thing to get rid of. So listen to what she has to say, consider what she has to say. She should know that if she has something to say and is trying to communicate that you care enough to pay attention. If you refuse to pay attention you are refusing the greatest gift God has given you outside of salvation and the Holy Spirit; a gift you need by the way. If you are rejecting her you are also rejecting the One who gave her to you. She will pick up on things that you don’t and see. The Bible says there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. Remember she has the Spirit of God dwelling in her as well. I saw one study a couple of years ago where 200 couples; one couple at a time were driven down a one mile stretch of road and then asked to write down everything they saw. Women saw approximately 79 things and guys saw approximately 12. It’s interesting to see just how differently we see. It doesn’t mean guys are not paying attention, but we look at things differently. Guys have a tendency to focus in on specific things where as the ladies are taking it all in. I’ve learned to appreciate our differences and not resent them. We are stronger and better together than apart, don’t ever forget that! We each have different strengths and different weaknesses and together we are stronger because we will cover each others weaknesses not exploit them. Lets build something together.



It takes grace to take 2 totally different creatures and bring them together and make them one.



Matthew 19:5 "and said, `For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?



I believe this is a lifelong process, becoming one. Its not easy but the rewards are great as we learn to submit to one another in the fear of the Lord and grow together in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ.



This is a powerful truth if we will receive it. Our wives should be a reflection of God and we have a responsibility to help her get there.



We are no longer 2 but one flesh, we hurt ourselves when we don’t treat our wives right.

Our wives are the greatest gift outside of Salvation and the Holy Spirit that we have, not your children; your wife. So build her up with the Word of God. Speak life over her regardless of the circumstances, even if you have to call those things which be not as though they are.



Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it, 26. that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27. that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.



Pray together and set goals together, she can’t be a helpmate if you don’t know where you are going can she? God will give us direction throughout our life and by His grace enable us to fulfill His will. We have to depend on Him first and on each other second. We are called to succeed and not fail. Just remember this life is a journey on the way to a destination, enjoy it.



We are stronger together so we should build one another up and show grace to one another. None of us are perfect, just remember God’s great grace that He has shown to us. Pray for one another and build one another up, the stronger you make one another the stronger your marriage will become. As with all things marriage takes work, it doesn’t just happen without it. It’s worth It. Amen
My husband will not communicate. If the tv is on he zones me out. If I shut it off and try to communicate with him he falls asleep or just openly shows zero interest in discussing anything. I ask him what he is thinking about and he says " nothing" like he literally has no emotions about anything unless he gets angry. I blame this partially on the Army ( he was in for 13 years) and was numb for so long, but the tv thing is ridiculous. If it is on he stares at it like a zombie and it could be a tampon commercial- he would rather hear what they are saying than me and it hurts my feelings. We haven't had sex in 4 months as he is losing testosterone and I'm slowly losing my mind.
 
Member
My husband will not communicate. If the tv is on he zones me out. If I shut it off and try to communicate with him he falls asleep or just openly shows zero interest in discussing anything. I ask him what he is thinking about and he says " nothing" like he literally has no emotions about anything unless he gets angry. I blame this partially on the Army ( he was in for 13 years) and was numb for so long, but the tv thing is ridiculous. If it is on he stares at it like a zombie and it could be a tampon commercial- he would rather hear what they are saying than me and it hurts my feelings. We haven't had sex in 4 months as he is losing testosterone and I'm slowly losing my mind.
Many times a third party counseling is helpful, it would put you both in a place to start talking. In any event you guys have to find a starting place to start a conversation. Certainly you could talk to your Pastor, Or try to find a Christian Marriage counseling service. N.A.M.E. is excellent and free of charge. If you don't think he would accept this maybe try a marriage conference. Pray about it and be led by the Holy Spirit. I will be praying for you both as well.
In Christ,
Mark
 
Member
Top Poster Of Month
Many times a third party counseling is helpful, it would put you both in a place to start talking. In any event you guys have to find a starting place to start a conversation. Certainly you could talk to your Pastor, Or try to find a Christian Marriage counseling service. N.A.M.E. is excellent and free of charge. If you don't think he would accept this maybe try a marriage conference. Pray about it and be led by the Holy Spirit. I will be praying for you both as well.
In Christ,
Mark
Thank you so much. He is the type that would rudely fall asleep during counseling and just shut down. He wasn't always like this but things have changed and he rolls his eyes when I talk " religion" and has been hardening his heart.
 
Active
I wish the church would have told me the Whole "Truth". They only told me Half of it. "He that find's a wife find's a good thing" but later on in Years when i started reading my own "BIble" and skipping no words. I came across these words: "But A prudent wife is from The LORD" and i looked that word "prudent" up too. and Not in a english "encyclopedia"! and did not stop there, i kept reading the "BOOK" before i came to a final "conclusion". Then, at point in my readins it sealed the deal. I came across this subject, that i have never heard a church discusion.
(SINGLE)
1 Corinthians 7:8
Now to the unmarried and widows I say this: It is good for them to remain unmarried, as I am.
1 Corinthians 7:26
Because of the present crisis, I think it is good for a man to remain as he is.
New American Standard Bible
Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman.

27Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife
New International Version
"But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this."

And That is a PROMISE! MANY!!!

Now That Is what You call a "Christian" Marriage! :eyes:
And that is a Promise! The Pastors and churches trick me! And my Grandmother cried, like a baby when i got married! told me i was in trouble! The Bible and Grandmother did not lie! But the rest, Those "Bible thumbers" Set a trap for me! Half truths is just as bad, as whole lies! ThAT wife of mines "made me come to JeSUS" crying! I never knew the world could be so terrible! I Saw The Light!!!~:joy:
 
Member
Top Poster Of Month
I wish the church would have told me the Whole "Truth". They only told me Half of it. "He that find's a wife find's a good thing" but later on in Years when i started reading my own "BIble" and skipping no words. I came across these words: "But A prudent wife is from The LORD" and i looked that word "prudent" up too. and Not in a english "encyclopedia"! and did not stop there, i kept reading the "BOOK" before i came to a final "conclusion". Then, at point in my readins it sealed the deal. I came across this subject, that i have never heard a church discusion.
(SINGLE)
1 Corinthians 7:8
Now to the unmarried and widows I say this: It is good for them to remain unmarried, as I am.
1 Corinthians 7:26
Because of the present crisis, I think it is good for a man to remain as he is.
New American Standard Bible
Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman.

27Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife
New International Version
"But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this."

And That is a PROMISE! MANY!!!

Now That Is what You call a "Christian" Marriage! :eyes:
And that is a Promise! The Pastors and churches trick me! And my Grandmother cried, like a baby when i got married! told me i was in trouble! The Bible and Grandmother did not lie! But the rest, Those "Bible thumbers" Set a trap for me! Half truths is just as bad, as whole lies! ThAT wife of mines "made me come to JeSUS" crying! I never knew the world could be so terrible! I Saw The Light!!!~:joy:
And? Are you still with her? What worries me is that my husband had been married twice already. I am the third. I do not know what that means for me, but I cannot change it now! I am in it for the long haul unless he leaves me too! Odds don't look too good but we have a solid foundation. We are just poor. ( Spiritually rich- financially poor! I prefer that actually because I can spot my blessings better..)
 
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