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Devoted Daughter and Faithful Mother

My name is Martha. I grew up in a mentally abusive environment. My mother did her very best to raise us right after my father killed himself on Christmas Day in 1997. I am the second to youngest of the 6 siblings.
Growing up I never had a stable foundation. My mother was always looking for a "new opportunity to better ourselves". She never completed High School and my father mentally and physically abused her. She loves Jesus unconditionally and made sure we knew that He unconditionally loves us. I don't hold her accountable for how I turned out, I'm a grown person. I'm pretty smart and catch on fast. However, I had low self-esteem and no confidence in myself to achieve a better education. I did go to some college.
To speed things up I was 25 when I started working at a gas station as a cashier. I had just ended a highly abusive relationship. Then I met an awesome guy who was a police officer that went to church. What better pick, right? We started dating and I started attending his home church. I loved God and felt his presence at the church but I wasn't born again yet. Our relationship became rocky ultimately leading to a split. I was devastated and to top things off I was now pregnant. (He had a vasectomy 7 years before we met)
Immediately I left the church not trying to cause division or drama. The pastor and his wife of that church reached out to me after they heard the news. Like Jesus would do they took me in. Devoted love, nurture, and the word into my life. In the Fall of 2013 I became a born again believer on fire for Jesus Christ. I received many blessings of different kinds spiritually and materially. I felt the Lord tell me He would bless me with a husband and father to my unborn child if I would follow him. When my son turned 2months old I got a job as a state correctional officer. It is the highest paying job I have ever had.
I didn't realize the harsh reality and affects of the environment I just signed up for. Yeah, I was naive. I went from bubbly, open, and friendly to stern and firm.
Here I met a fellow correctional officer in training who was not on my list at all but eventually became my husband. He left for tour of duty during school. When he came back Christmas day his ex-wife handed him divorce papers to sign. He was hurt devastated but agreed to it. She had another man. 5 months after his split he messaged me for a date. At first I rejected the offer. I was hung up on unequally yoked believers. Finally, I said enough and a month later unsure what he would say I sparked a conversation. He asked me out again I said yes, he was ecstatic. We were inseparable for a whole month so we decided to get married. We were in such a heightened since of awe. We were in love. My pastor who was like a father to me loved him and approved of him. A month after marriage we found out I was pregnant. We were once again so ecstatic. As time went by he lost his job leaving us to one income living an hour away from my job and family. During this period I became very grouchy. This second pregnancy was worse than the first. I'd tell myself everything is ok, this is marriage, we will get through this. I began to neglect reading the word but still attending church. I began to feel like my husband didn't appreciate me and didn't want me anymore. He on the other loved me but lacks communication skills. He was going through a very depressed state. No job, no independence, child support stacking up, new wife, a baby on the way it all started stacking up emotionally. I also had turned into the selfish nagging wife. 3weeks after the birth hormones out of regulation with him neglecting to give me the right kind of attention (I felt like he kept putting his ex-wife needs over mine) i moved in with my mom. I asked him for a divorce hoping he would say heck no come home instead he said "ok I'll get the papers". It's been a rollercoaster since then. I've devoted myself and time to God's word but i can't shake the feeling this divorce is not the answer but he wasn't budging until about a month ago he started showing me affection. He states he still wants the divorce even though his actions sing a different tune.
Staff Member

thank you for sharing as you have.

May I suggest you speak to the Pastor you mentioned? He and his wife may well be able to help you and your husband and ultimately, the children. Of course this does not replace seeking the Lord and waiting upon Him.

Enjoy the forums here.

Bless you ....><>
Thank you. They have been very involved giving the best advice that they can. I thank God for them, the wisdom and love they pour into my family. Unfortunately my husband refuses to talk to my pastor because he feels that he would be biased even though Pastor Richardson told him He is neutral, understanding and only wants what God would want for my family.
Staff Member
Greetings again,

pray and praise the Lord, give him thanks for Who He is and that He is able to bring joy out of sorrow.

Bless you ....><>
Staff Member
Hello @Mchica26 welcome to the forums. I’m sorry to hear of all the troubles but be assured God can fix anything if we surrender it to Him. He’s gracious and His love unconditional.
Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things. Sister you are a believer, and that which is about to be written/spoken take no offense to. Blessed are those who are not offended in me. Sister, one, the Lord asked Peter, "Who do YOU say that I am?" not a pastor. For we only have one mediator between God, and man, and that is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is the only way truth, and the life. "No man cometh unto the father but by me," as He so clearly put it. Two, you have been created before the foundations of the Earth, and have been called to judge the angels. In part sister, he charges his own angels with error, how much more us. Can he put His trust in us? Remember, our righteousness is but filthy rags unto him. God is no respecter of persons, and has no favorites. Three, All is vanity, and vexation of Spirit. For it is written, that there is no one righteous, no not one. We should not be here to lick your wounds sister, but to edify you unto the body of Christ. For the time is now where it does not matter, rather we worship in the temple in Jerusalem, nor in the mountain, but we must do so in Spirit, and in Truth. Four, I'am glad that you've received blessings materially, but that matters not, remember He told them: "Take nothing for the journey--no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt." Freely you have received, freely you are to give. Your reward is not of this world, but of that which is to come. Blessed are those who suffer for righteousness sake. Sister walk through His fire of purification, and be baptized in the Fire of the Holy Ghost. Wrestle in the dessert a little longer, and contend with the Word for the faith. We do it by dying daily, and praying without ceasing. Remember those who overcome until THE END He will not blot out their name form the lambs book of life. Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery. Sister, if the man walks not with the Lord, then cut the strings, and move forward. Since you are one flesh now however, continue to pray. The only reason for divorce is adultery, and if he has committed not, nor you, than you have one reason to make it work, and that is in your belly. Out of your belly shall flow rivers of living water. Another thing, how hard is it for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven? We all know the answer to that question. If you are to be perfect, sell all you have, and give unto the poor, and follow Jesus Christ. What you do in this life runs parallel with your Spiritual one. I feel the Lord wants to take you away from a job that oppresses others, not keeps them in chains. Prison/Jail is a representation of Hell in this realm, and God wants us to visit them, not regulate them, and enforce their imprisonment.