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So my name on here is Spazz, and like I said in the testimony part of my bio, I'm pretty messed up boi. It all started in high school, when one of my classmates asked me why I believed in what I believed. I told him that it was because of faith, but for some reason, that wasn't good enough. I brushed him off as strange and kept moving on with my life, but a question kept nagging me, "where was my faith based on?"
Obviously, any Christian with half a brain cell would say "the Bible", and for a while, that was my answer. However, I came to realize that that reasoning was circular. "I believe in the Bible because the Bible tells me so". Even still, for the sake of how I grew up, I still pressed on and prayed every day. For every meal, for every breath. But then something hit me.
I was writing a book while in high school, and in one of the chapters, my female character ends up homeless. She's taken in my a young man, and she proceeds to live with him. Since I was all about that representation, I decided to make my male character a Christian. But then I started thinking, "would a Christian support cohabitation?" All my life, I always thought that the answer was a solid no, but after looking into the Bible for answers, I realized that there were none. I asked around. My Bible teacher told me about the appearance of sin, which is something that I still find ridiculous in my opinion. Another friend told me that it was risky, but I told her that my characters were purely platonic and that my male character respects the female. I finally came to the conclusion that the Bible wasn't clear on this issue, and I began to wonder what other issues did the Bible not settle on. And from there, I began to wonder just how stable of a foundation the Bible really was.
Okay, so at this point, I can figure that a lot of you would tell me to "pray on it", and, guess what? I did. I prayed. I prayed until my face was drenched in tears. I prayed until I could no longer breathe. I prayed hard and desperately, but I felt nothing. I read my Bible like it was my livelihood, but nothing. "5. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6. But he must ask in faith, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." That's what James 1:5-6 says, and I know that I was unrelenting in my faith, but still... nothing.
I attended a Christian school from the time I was in 4th grade all the way up to my graduation, and every Friday, there would be guest speakers who would come and, well, speak to us as a student body. And I remember the bitterness I would feel whenever I heard them talk about their encounter with God, and how God changed their lives, and I would compare it to my own story, how all my life I had this bold and childlike faith in God, yet now, now that I started to really think critically about what it is I'm being told, and what it is that I read, it was like God is turning his back on me. It made me sick. Eventually, I gave up on prayer and just jumped right into my meals.
At the point of my graduation, I was at an all time low. I still had yet to be accepted by any college, and God was still MIA in my life. I was beginning to feel like I was the naive person in the relationship, being neglected emotionally and constantly being left on read. All my life I had been treated as if I was stupid, by friends, family, acquaintances, and I felt like staying in the dark any longer will drive me insane.
It all started, then, with a question. "How do girls masterbate?" I googled it, something I would've never done before, and I found some videos. I hopped on pornhub and saw a few videos, and seeing how these girls were feeling such pleasure, I figured I might as well try it myself. It hurt at first, and I felt tremendous guilt afterwords. I tried to pray again. I figured, hey, at least I have a real sin I can ask for for forgiveness, but still there was nothing. No feeling, no connection, just shallow tears and a shaken worldview. I ventured out and started looking into regular porn, which made me feel incredible shame and guilt. I felt disgusting, and I abstained from porn for a while.
I tried to read my Bible, look into apologetics, and anything else that may bring me closer to God. But the more I researched, the more I reached out, the further away God seemed to be. I felt so stupid. All my life I had been taught that there was a God who loves me and wants to have a relationship with me, and I believed it.
After a few more midnight sessions, I stopped feeling the shame and the guilt. I guess, somewhere down the line, I kind of accepted that this is what I became. I can't read the Bible without feeling a twinge of sorrow for a lost past, and I can't pray without shaking the feeling that I may just be talking to dust. If there is a God, or any god, then why can't I feel him anymore? What went wrong? Why can't I shake this feeling that maybe it was all in my head, a sickening result of indocrination that had been instilled in me from the moment of my birth.
Sorry if this post is so long too. I have a lot going on in my head and, believe it or not, this doesn't even cover half of it. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and even answer any questions if you have.
 
Active
Hi Spazz,

Wow what an entrance!! Having read all that I'm still not sure what the problem is.

I think you are saying that you haven't experienced God like say if you went to a concert, went backstage and met Bieber, Sia or Sheeran. Maybe you've been looking in the wrong place. You won't meet God in the Bible. Yes you'll read about Him, you'll get pretty hazy view of Him, you'll read about some heroic people and their encounter with God, you can read about His plan for His creation and how that's progressed and where it's going. You'll read something of His character but not much because the Bible is really limited. John says that if everything that if everything that Jesus did and said were written down in the 3 years of His ministry, there'd be a world wide shortage of trees John 21:25. A book that fits on your bedside table and is limited to the English language can barely smudge the surface, let alone scratch it. Words like awesome, fantastic, amazing might describe the firework displays in the capital cities the other night, but they can't even begin to describe God.

If you want to experience God you need -

To make a commitment. God gave you a commitment by sending His son to His death to rescue you from the consequences of your bad choices. He wants a total commitment back, verses like no other gods Deuteronomy 5:7, sell everything, give to the poor and follow me Matthew 19:21, hate mum and dad and follow me Luke 14:26 gives you a clue as to the sort of commitment that God thinks He's worthy of.

Love - with all your heart, soul and strength Deuteronomy 6:4.

Holy Spirit- I will send you a helper John 15:26-27. Once you've made the love commitment God will send you His Spirit who will reveal God within you.

Communication. You say you pray. Talk to God like you talk to a mate rather than a waitress. He wants your love, tell Him what it is about Him that you love, share your feelings, thoughts and fears. Discuss plans ideas. Work with Him, and then wait. God will talk to you through your thoughts and feelings.

Bible. You want to learn about Him, read the autobiography, preferably with a reading plan, there's loads online.

You won't want to go to all that trouble, if you haven't got any faith. If you have got faith, you'll want to do it because you don't want to miss out and spend your life getting pushed around by events and circumstances, hoping for the best, fingers crossed, sort of optimistic but not sure. No mate you need to be in the loving care of that big guy that's in total control of every detail and who loves you to bits.

=========================


Dear Lord God, I really want to pray for young Spazz. I ask you Lord to please reveal yourself to him, reach out and draw him in, lead him so that he can see just what a wonderful, incredible and gorgeous God you really are. How you have loved him from the very beginning I sent your son Jesus to die in order that he can one day be with you in Heaven forever.

Lord God this is all too much for us to take him and appreciate. What we know we love but we know to that there is so much more to you that we won't see until we are with you you in glory.

Please Lord God, at his invitation, take over his life and completely transform it.

Amen
 
Member
Hi Spazz,

Wow what an entrance!! Having read all that I'm still not sure what the problem is.

I think you are saying that you haven't experienced God like say if you went to a concert, went backstage and met Bieber, Sia or Sheeran. Maybe you've been looking in the wrong place. You won't meet God in the Bible. Yes you'll read about Him, you'll get pretty hazy view of Him, you'll read about some heroic people and their encounter with God, you can read about His plan for His creation and how that's progressed and where it's going. You'll read something of His character but not much because the Bible is really limited. John says that if everything that if everything that Jesus did and said were written down in the 3 years of His ministry, there'd be a world wide shortage of trees John 21:25. A book that fits on your bedside table and is limited to the English language can barely smudge the surface, let alone scratch it. Words like awesome, fantastic, amazing might describe the firework displays in the capital cities the other night, but they can't even begin to describe God.

If you want to experience God you need -

To make a commitment. God gave you a commitment by sending His son to His death to rescue you from the consequences of your bad choices. He wants a total commitment back, verses like no other gods Deuteronomy 5:7, sell everything, give to the poor and follow me Matthew 19:21, hate mum and dad and follow me Luke 14:26 gives you a clue as to the sort of commitment that God thinks He's worthy of.

Love - with all your heart, soul and strength Deuteronomy 6:4.

Holy Spirit- I will send you a helper John 15:26-27. Once you've made the love commitment God will send you His Spirit who will reveal God within you.

Communication. You say you pray. Talk to God like you talk to a mate rather than a waitress. He wants your love, tell Him what it is about Him that you love, share your feelings, thoughts and fears. Discuss plans ideas. Work with Him, and then wait. God will talk to you through your thoughts and feelings.

Bible. You want to learn about Him, read the autobiography, preferably with a reading plan, there's loads online.

You won't want to go to all that trouble, if you haven't got any faith. If you have got faith, you'll want to do it because you don't want to miss out and spend your life getting pushed around by events and circumstances, hoping for the best, fingers crossed, sort of optimistic but not sure. No mate you need to be in the loving care of that big guy that's in total control of every detail and who loves you to bits.

=========================


Dear Lord God, I really want to pray for young Spazz. I ask you Lord to please reveal yourself to him, reach out and draw him in, lead him so that he can see just what a wonderful, incredible and gorgeous God you really are. How you have loved him from the very beginning I sent your son Jesus to die in order that he can one day be with you in Heaven forever.

Lord God this is all too much for us to take him and appreciate. What we know we love but we know to that there is so much more to you that we won't see until we are with you you in glory.

Please Lord God, at his invitation, take over his life and completely transform it.

Amen
Thank you for your thoughts, but I still don’t understand what I should do. I’ve tried praying, and I’ve tried to commit, but all of that has lead to nothing. I dont know where you read that implied that I talked to God like a waitress. I used to pray to God like he was my best friend, a father, and an advisor. My issue is that once I started to think critically about what I was reading, especially on targeted issues suck as cohabitation and the appearance of sin, I stopped feeling God. It eventually came to the point where I began to wonder, and even know I still wonder, if this whole experience with God was all in my head. I came on here for a logical explanation for this radio silence from God, even if that explanation is that He’s angry with me, or that I did something wrong. Or maybe He just never existed in the first place. Please. You say He wants to talk with me, but I’ve never heard Him speak a word to me in my life. Maybe Christianity was never for me.
 
Active
Hats off to you Spaz, you are thinking and trying to make a logical choice. Keep thinking mate and don't make that final decision until you are sure, then make your decision and run with it.

I've read over what I've written to you and thought, you didn't tell him half of the fantastic blessings and incredible benefits that being in the loving care of God gives. I'm sorry, I just ran out of time and space. The big one is being side by side with this huge big bro that's in total control and He's totally potty about you even to the extent that asking His son to go and die for you to recover you, was for Him, a price well worth paying. The flipside is that when you go off on a tangent, you don't half feel really low and apart and really alone and vulnerable. But all the time God's calling you back, but you can't always hear it - until the penny drops. Generally that's our enemy trying to nause things up. It's always best not to go off road and to get back on whenever you do.

Let's clear up one or two things. I would really love to but I've never met you or prayed with you so I've no idea how you pray. The bit about the waitress was a warning to avoid giving a list of I wants with an Amen at the end. It wasn't an accusation. Too many Christians do do that and wonder why their prayer time is a bit flat. No, God who is all powerful, everywhere (end of outer space and beyond) all the time, knows you 1m times better than you know yourself, knows your future in greater detail then you can recall your past etc etc etc. wants to just chat with you like you're best mates that went to school together. Just chat and chat about whatever you want to chat about, parents / family, friends, birds, enemies, music, Bible stuff, news, issues, food ..... just chat and then nothing.... silence, nothing and through your own thoughts God will talk to you. Some people call it meditation, I call it listening.

Another thing to clear up, the appearance of sin in 1 Thessalonians 5:22 is one item in a list that Apostle Paul recommends, others are quench not the Spirit, pray without ceasing. What Paul's telling us if we're indulging in sin without remorse (whether or not it is actually sinful) you're in effect endorsing that activity and may draw a Christian brother to imitate or follow you, in which case you could leave yourself open to the accusation you led him astray.

Man, you seem to be at a crossroads, do you choose to run with all the enticing temptations that the world offers or do you want to follow and please God? In my experience what looks enticing often turns out to be a drag. For example, Llving with a bird might look tempting but the reality doesn't always live up to expectation. IMO once they get their fleet under the table they get bossy and expensive. For me marriage is 10 times better, it's more about partnership, starting a family and building a future together. If she loves God, better still because then it becomes a three way relationship in which you all share the love and experience.

OK sounds dandy, but what if you give everything to God and then nothing?

Well something's wrong if that's the case. Remember God gave up His only son for you to die an excruciating death, rejected, 3 days in Hell. So having paid that price for you, would He likely walk past you like you never existed? I don't think so. No mate, just pray, meditate, think and God will hunt you down and you'll experience Him. The answer is to take in the Holy Spirit, He comes the moment you truly believe. Truly = actually, as in fact, not, I'll give this faith stuff a try but if it don't work out I'm out of here. That's not commitment. No pal, keep seeking and looking for God.

Maybe God doesn't like your approach. I don't know. Maybe you're treating Him like a dealer? You've paid your money, you've swallowed the pill, now where's the high? Have a look at the story in the Bible of Cain and Able Genesis 4:1-8. I don't think there was anything wrong with Cain's sacrifice, it was his attitude that was wrong, verse 7
'If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.”'

OK, so how/where do you look for God. 3 ways -

Bible. Download YouVersion onto your phone or tablet. It's the Bible. You can download any version, New International is a popular choice. There's a verse of the day and loads of reading plans. There's plenty more stuff online.
Prayer. The more you pray the better but leave time to think about what you have just prayed, that's when God leads your thoughts and speaks to you.
Church. Find a church that's evangelical (outreaching) and chat to the minister/pastor/vicar.

I just urge you to make a really sincere commitment and start that one2one relationship with God now. The alternative might look nice in the window but when you actually go there it's disappointment, hollow and doesn't actually taste nice, ultimately it leads to an end that you don't even want to think about. Read Jesus's story of it in Luke 15:11-32.

No God's promise is real, so is he and so is His love for you.

=======================

Dear Lord God, I want to pray for Spaz. I pray Lord and ask you to reveal yourself to him by the working of your Holy Spirit in his head. Please please God give him the wisdom to see that the alternative to you God is traumatic whereas you give life, love and your care to those who love you and follow you.

Thank you God for turning my life around and bringing me through so many hairy situations. I just love the way you guide, push and pull me to keep me on road, I know from past grim experience how rough the ride gets when I go off road and still time and again you rescue me.

Thank you God for everything, I just ask that you do for Spas what you've done for me.

Amen.
 
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