of_the_rose
Member
- Joined
- May 2, 2005
- Messages
- 87
When I was eleven years old, I lost my father from a cancerous brain tumor. Needless to say my whole family was devistated. Even though I had my whole family around me for support, I was still so afraid, shocked and hurting.
A few months after his death, when we were trying to piece our lives back together; my mother started working again, my brother was going to church, and my sister and I went to weekly counseling sessions.
Regardless of my family's gradual emotional and mental improvement, I still was hurting more than I even realised.
I would talk about it frequently to my best friend-which I found more effective than my counsellor, and I would let out the odd prayer or two before bed.
My best friend felt terrible that I was always upset. I would talk to her for hours about how lonely I was. With my mother, now a single parent, working constantly, as well as my brother working evenings, my sister and I would come home to an empty house. It was like that all through my high-school years.
I felt like a complete orphan. I would envy my peers, because they had parents who asked them how their day was, and encourage them to do well with their grades, and so forth. When I went home, I got a note from mom about what she made us for supper, or what chores she wanted done-for she didnt have the time.
So lonely I was. So my best friend decided to set me up on dates. She figured that having a boyfriend would help ease the pain-and I'm sure that I suggested it at one point or another. After finding that the dates were not helping my hurts, she decided to go out on a limb and introduce me to Wayne.
I was really excited about him. My best friend described him as my dream guy. She also told me about the things he would say about me. How beautiful he thought I was, etc.
I eventually got a few pictures of him-though they were very blurry. And he wrote me many love poems.
It was like having a pen-pal boyfriend.
But after a few months of infatuation, I asked my friend if I could meet him. She told me that he was way too busy with all of his jobs. And he travelled alot too. But to make up for it, I got to speak to him on the phone on several occasions.
Before I knew it, It had been over 5 years of my infatuation, of this guy I never met. Each year I grew more and more lonely. And I'd be dating guys on the side, besides the penpal to fill the void.
My prayer life became constant. I would pray every night that I could meet Wayne. I was 100% convinced that he could take away every last ounce of my pain.
I got really angry at my best friend, and God, for not being able to meet this guy who I thought would make it all better. I would get really frustrated, I would not eat for days, and I would slack off in school.
Whenever I would go out with friends to have some fun, spend time with family on special occasions, or simply not be sleeping and unconsious, I would feel this nasty, nagging, terrible sensation of lonelyness and abandonement. I couldnt be with Wayne, my father was dead, my mother was distant-It felt like hell. I was never content. Always searching.
My prayers would turn into heavy sobbing, and I would ask in complete desperation: Why am I so lonely, God? Why can't you bring Wayne to me? Why am I so forgotten?
Little did I know that my best friend was praying for me too. She got herself into a mess with Wayne and I. She knew that I could never meet him, and how dependant I was on him for an ounce of happiness.
She decided to tell me less and less about Wayne, to almost weane me off of him. I would rarely ever speak to him on the phone, or get a letter or email. So I decided to ease the pain some more by listening to music frequently. It would be mostly heavy metal, and music with screaming in it. And I would often listen to the radio.
One night I stumbled upon a station with rock music on it. It was stuff like I've never heard before. It had really deep lyrics, and the singers were so passionate with their voices.
I was a bit turned off when I started to hear "churchy lyrics" about Jesus and God. (Who could like God that much? I wondered. He doesnt answer my prayers..I would be with Wayne by now.)
But nonetheless, It grew on me over time.
I was a bit embarrased to say that I was becoming a fan of this Christian music.
The following summer, my aunt from Texas came over to visit. My aunt is a nun/sister, so she was into "churchy stuff," including Christian music. I told her about my interest in Christian music, and she in return told me about youth events that some churches held, that played that type of music.
But the places that she told me about, were hundreds of miles away in the USA, or in distant provinces.
So here I was, angry again at God. Yet these events, I thought were too far away to possibly go to.
Stupid distant God, I thought, So far away, and Wayne's so far away, and my father's dead, and my mother's distant!
...
A few months latter, my best friend invited me to a youth group--a that played Christian music! Part of me was really excited, yet part of me was reluctant. I did not want to be preached at!
..So kicking and screaming (not literally), my friend dragged me to Plunge. I was furious at her. When the service started, I was at least happy to hear a few familiar songs. I sang along with them.
And though I wanted to shove cotton balls in my ears before I heard any sermon, I was happily surprised. It was relevant, and moving.
After the service I thanked my friend for bringing me. I so badly wanted to go next week..and the week after...and the week after.
And so I did. I thought it just a cool place to go to at first. But then I noticed a slight change in my behaviour.
Though I was still praying each night to be with Wayne, with a bit of resentment, my mind was also preoccupied with the idea of God.
I was so interested and hungry to know more. It made the absense of Wayne, my father, my mother, more bearable.
After a few months of attending Plunge, and the morning services, I had this weird nudge to be Baptised. I had no idea why I wanted to ..again-Since I was baptised as an infant. I could not loose this desire. Even though I though It was way too early in my journey to do so, I just had this conviction that God wanted me to.
So after many fights and heated arguements about my baptism, my mom decided that it was an okay thing to do.
But weeks before, I had an ever increasing awareness of something that I was holding back. I knew that I was early in my journey, yet I still knew that I could give God somemore.
..
As I was ending the night with a new Christian friend, I strangely decided to walk home alone. We both went home our different ways. I can remember this feeling of intense vulnerability on the way back. Yet at the same time, I felt so excited, and I wasnt sure why. I felt that God was sooo close. I could sense it so intesely.
When I finally got home, I decided to sit in the front porch and write. It was a hobby of mine. I still had this feeling of complete extasy without reason. Just then, the phone rang. It was another friend of mine. She said that she had some terrible news to tell me.
She told me that my bestfriend was lying to me all along--About Wayne. I found out at that moment, that my best friend made up Wayne to help with my lonelyness and grieving.
Fake all along.
To everyone's surprise, I was even more happy by the news! I felt like someone took away my heaviest chains! I felt like dancing!
I finally understood why God could not answer that prayer..in the way that I wanted it to happen. And then I had nothing holding me back from growing closer to God.
...
Two weeks latter, I was baptised!
Still in a bit of shock, over my baptism, and hearing that Wayne was ficticious, I continued to pray to God for answers.
Why did he let me go through that really rough time? Did that prayer have any significance?
--Oh yes it did!
God knew that "Wayne" could not take away all of my pain. He understood that I was alone, alot of the time, and how It made me feel. And he also understood the beginnings and the root of all this pain--When I was eleven years old...
And my prayer was really answered after all--
I do have a Father!!!!!!!! And He's alive!!!!! With me!!!
A few months after his death, when we were trying to piece our lives back together; my mother started working again, my brother was going to church, and my sister and I went to weekly counseling sessions.
Regardless of my family's gradual emotional and mental improvement, I still was hurting more than I even realised.
I would talk about it frequently to my best friend-which I found more effective than my counsellor, and I would let out the odd prayer or two before bed.
My best friend felt terrible that I was always upset. I would talk to her for hours about how lonely I was. With my mother, now a single parent, working constantly, as well as my brother working evenings, my sister and I would come home to an empty house. It was like that all through my high-school years.
I felt like a complete orphan. I would envy my peers, because they had parents who asked them how their day was, and encourage them to do well with their grades, and so forth. When I went home, I got a note from mom about what she made us for supper, or what chores she wanted done-for she didnt have the time.
So lonely I was. So my best friend decided to set me up on dates. She figured that having a boyfriend would help ease the pain-and I'm sure that I suggested it at one point or another. After finding that the dates were not helping my hurts, she decided to go out on a limb and introduce me to Wayne.
I was really excited about him. My best friend described him as my dream guy. She also told me about the things he would say about me. How beautiful he thought I was, etc.
I eventually got a few pictures of him-though they were very blurry. And he wrote me many love poems.
It was like having a pen-pal boyfriend.
But after a few months of infatuation, I asked my friend if I could meet him. She told me that he was way too busy with all of his jobs. And he travelled alot too. But to make up for it, I got to speak to him on the phone on several occasions.
Before I knew it, It had been over 5 years of my infatuation, of this guy I never met. Each year I grew more and more lonely. And I'd be dating guys on the side, besides the penpal to fill the void.
My prayer life became constant. I would pray every night that I could meet Wayne. I was 100% convinced that he could take away every last ounce of my pain.
I got really angry at my best friend, and God, for not being able to meet this guy who I thought would make it all better. I would get really frustrated, I would not eat for days, and I would slack off in school.
Whenever I would go out with friends to have some fun, spend time with family on special occasions, or simply not be sleeping and unconsious, I would feel this nasty, nagging, terrible sensation of lonelyness and abandonement. I couldnt be with Wayne, my father was dead, my mother was distant-It felt like hell. I was never content. Always searching.
My prayers would turn into heavy sobbing, and I would ask in complete desperation: Why am I so lonely, God? Why can't you bring Wayne to me? Why am I so forgotten?
Little did I know that my best friend was praying for me too. She got herself into a mess with Wayne and I. She knew that I could never meet him, and how dependant I was on him for an ounce of happiness.
She decided to tell me less and less about Wayne, to almost weane me off of him. I would rarely ever speak to him on the phone, or get a letter or email. So I decided to ease the pain some more by listening to music frequently. It would be mostly heavy metal, and music with screaming in it. And I would often listen to the radio.
One night I stumbled upon a station with rock music on it. It was stuff like I've never heard before. It had really deep lyrics, and the singers were so passionate with their voices.
I was a bit turned off when I started to hear "churchy lyrics" about Jesus and God. (Who could like God that much? I wondered. He doesnt answer my prayers..I would be with Wayne by now.)
But nonetheless, It grew on me over time.
I was a bit embarrased to say that I was becoming a fan of this Christian music.
The following summer, my aunt from Texas came over to visit. My aunt is a nun/sister, so she was into "churchy stuff," including Christian music. I told her about my interest in Christian music, and she in return told me about youth events that some churches held, that played that type of music.
But the places that she told me about, were hundreds of miles away in the USA, or in distant provinces.
So here I was, angry again at God. Yet these events, I thought were too far away to possibly go to.
Stupid distant God, I thought, So far away, and Wayne's so far away, and my father's dead, and my mother's distant!
...
A few months latter, my best friend invited me to a youth group--a that played Christian music! Part of me was really excited, yet part of me was reluctant. I did not want to be preached at!
..So kicking and screaming (not literally), my friend dragged me to Plunge. I was furious at her. When the service started, I was at least happy to hear a few familiar songs. I sang along with them.
And though I wanted to shove cotton balls in my ears before I heard any sermon, I was happily surprised. It was relevant, and moving.
After the service I thanked my friend for bringing me. I so badly wanted to go next week..and the week after...and the week after.
And so I did. I thought it just a cool place to go to at first. But then I noticed a slight change in my behaviour.
Though I was still praying each night to be with Wayne, with a bit of resentment, my mind was also preoccupied with the idea of God.
I was so interested and hungry to know more. It made the absense of Wayne, my father, my mother, more bearable.
After a few months of attending Plunge, and the morning services, I had this weird nudge to be Baptised. I had no idea why I wanted to ..again-Since I was baptised as an infant. I could not loose this desire. Even though I though It was way too early in my journey to do so, I just had this conviction that God wanted me to.
So after many fights and heated arguements about my baptism, my mom decided that it was an okay thing to do.
But weeks before, I had an ever increasing awareness of something that I was holding back. I knew that I was early in my journey, yet I still knew that I could give God somemore.
..
As I was ending the night with a new Christian friend, I strangely decided to walk home alone. We both went home our different ways. I can remember this feeling of intense vulnerability on the way back. Yet at the same time, I felt so excited, and I wasnt sure why. I felt that God was sooo close. I could sense it so intesely.
When I finally got home, I decided to sit in the front porch and write. It was a hobby of mine. I still had this feeling of complete extasy without reason. Just then, the phone rang. It was another friend of mine. She said that she had some terrible news to tell me.
She told me that my bestfriend was lying to me all along--About Wayne. I found out at that moment, that my best friend made up Wayne to help with my lonelyness and grieving.
Fake all along.
To everyone's surprise, I was even more happy by the news! I felt like someone took away my heaviest chains! I felt like dancing!
I finally understood why God could not answer that prayer..in the way that I wanted it to happen. And then I had nothing holding me back from growing closer to God.
...
Two weeks latter, I was baptised!
Still in a bit of shock, over my baptism, and hearing that Wayne was ficticious, I continued to pray to God for answers.
Why did he let me go through that really rough time? Did that prayer have any significance?
--Oh yes it did!
God knew that "Wayne" could not take away all of my pain. He understood that I was alone, alot of the time, and how It made me feel. And he also understood the beginnings and the root of all this pain--When I was eleven years old...
And my prayer was really answered after all--
I do have a Father!!!!!!!! And He's alive!!!!! With me!!!
