My most energetic play from the 70's to act, as I really went all out as Pastor Present. Note: If you do perform it, always use a Reader's Digest condensed book painted black, and toss the first section into the audience so they can see that you are not ripping up a Bible. That prevents lynch mobs.
COVER TO COVER
One Sunday morning at a local super church, Pastor Present is seated at his desk. However he has nodded off. His secretary, Miss Johnson enters.
“Pastor. Pastor?” She waves her hand in front of his face and gets no response. She laughs softly. Then starts making faces at the pastor. He stirs; she goes back to attention.
“Humph. Who? Oh, Miss Johnson. What is it?”
“Pastor, Bishop Holtz and Father Rosenwinkle have arrived. They're in the outer office.”
“Oh, good. Well, I definitely wish to speak with them before the service. Send them in, send them in.”
She goes to the door and opens it. “Pastor Present will see you now. This way please.”
Bishop Holtz and Father Rosenwinkle enter the pastor’s office and cross to his desk. Miss Johnson leaves. Everything that Bishop Holtz does, Father Rosenwinkle, who recently graduated seminary, does in a hero worshipping sort of echo effect.
Pastor Present rises from his seat to greet his visitors. “Ah! My dear Bishop Holtz!” He grabs the bishop’s hand and shakes it very strenuously, rattling him.
“Hi-i-i-i.”
“And you must be Fa-a-ather Rosenwinkle!”
Father Rosenwinkle has his hand shaken so hard he loses his balance and falls to his knees. “Eek!”
The pastor returns to his desk and sits down. He gestures. “Have a chair! Have a chair! Oh, I am so happy to see you guys today! Our Beloved Congregation loves it so much when we have guest speakers.”
The Bishop gathers his aplomb, sits and crosses his legs. “And we're very happy to be here. You know this is quite a difference from our church. We only get about 300 people at our services.”
Father Rosenwinkle went through the exact same sitting procedure, and sits with his legs crossed. But he can’t hide his excitement. “I'll say. It took us fifteen minutes to cross the parking lot from the visitor’s parking spaces to the door. This church must be bigger than Yankee stadium!”
Pastor Present tries to look modest, and fails. “Indeed it is.”
The Bishop, having once been a curate, is curious. “How many people do you get at a service?”
Pastor Present smiles contentedly. “Oh, we here at the First Church of The Frigidaire get around 120,000 at the Sunday morning services, (the bishop goes “ooh!“, Father Rosenwinkle echoes him. “Ooh!) 98,000 at the Sunday night service, (Ah! Ah!) 85,000 at the Wednesday night services, (rushes through this line) and 20 or so at the prayer services.”
The Bishop misunderstands. “Only 20,000 at the prayer services? Still, even though it is a smaller percentage, that’s still more than in most congregations.”
Oddly, Pastor Present seems somewhat embarrassed. “Well, no... uh not 20,000... uh, 20.”
Father Rosenwinkle is confused by that, and whispers to the Bishop. “120,000 at the main service but only 20 people at the prayer service? Now why would…”
Pastor Present has good hearing, and butts in. “Ahem. As I was saying, I always like to make sure of the people I invite to speak to Our Beloved Congregation. That's why I wanted to meet you first, to uh, make sure that, you, uh, weren't going to teach any, (he gets very diffident, and hesitant to affront) uh, false... doctrines???”
The Bishop is surprised, and stands up. “False Doctrines!”
Father Rosenwinkle is not only surprised, but affronted that anyone should accuse his Bishop of Heresy. He rises a heart beat later and echoes: “False Doctrines!”
Pastor Present is nervous and apologetic as he tries to calm them. “Now, Now, Now, nothing personal! It's just that things being the way they are these days, well you can't be too careful, now can you?”
The Bishop calms. Followed a split second later by the Father. The bishop sits, followed by the father. The bishop nods. The father nods. The bishop speaks. “True enough. Well, you need not worry about us. Father Rosenwinkle and I both subscribe to the orthodox doctrines the church has held all these centuries. As an old teacher I had in Seminary said: ‘If it's new, it's not true, if it's old it's good as gold‘."
The pastor seems relieved. “Yes. We here at the First Church of the Frigidaire believe in the Bible cover to cover. By the way, which translation of the Bible do you have there?”
“Well, since this is a nondenominational church, I decided to bring along an interdenominational edition of the Bible, the Reversed Standard Version."
Pastor Present gets a thoughtful look in his eye. “I see. Is that the Reversed Standard Version, complete with the Hypocketful?”
“Why... (looks) yes. I believe it is.”
“Ah. May I see that a moment?”
“Of course. Here."
Pastor Present glances through it. “Second Hezekiah... The Book of Hesitations... Paul's Epistle to the Philippines... has them all, I see. Well, we can't have that.” He rips out the section and throws it over his shoulder. “I've never even allowed my beloved congregation to hear the word Hypocketful. It might derange them!”
That shocks Bishop Holtz. “Good Heavens!”
Father Rosenwinkle is also shocked. “By the Virgin Mary!”
Pastor Present rises to his full height, and points an accusing finger at him. “Oh no you don't! None of that Rumanian Church Dogma here! Out she goes!” He rips out another section. “Probably try to push the doctrines of his Holiness the Dope on us!”
Bishop Holtz stands and spreads his hands. “But, but we're not Rumanians! We're Inglicans.”
“Huh?”
“You know, Inglicans.”
“Who?”
Father Rosenwinkle also stands and spreads his hands placatingly. “Yeah, Inglicans. You know, the Church of Grape Brittle and Wireland?”
“Aha!”
“Oh!”
“You're minions of the Archbishop of Pillsbury! Probably try to make us use tea and crumpets for communion.”
The bishop tries to calm him. “No, no. We use bread and wine for the Body and Blood of our Lord.”
It doesn’t work. “So Ho! Transubstantianationalists!” He rips out another section. “And since they are also usually predestinarians as well…” (rip)
Father Rosenwinkle is so upset and frightened he is hiding behind the Bishop. “By the Holy Ghost!”
“Uh, uh! We're not going to have any of that tongue speaking snake juggling Holy Roller stuff going on in this church!” (rip) “And since science has disproved miracles…” (rip... rip... rip) He points an accusing finger at the Bishop. “YOU!”
Both the Bishop and Father fall to their knees hugging each other. “Eek!”
In a perfectly normal tone of voice the pastor inquires. “What were you going to teach about?”
The bishop answers. “Oh. Uh, how the Blood of Christ frees us from the slavery and guilt of sin…”
Pastor Present screams. “ARE YOU CRAZY!!!” In his frenzy he grabs the banana from the fruit bowl and points it at them like a pistol.
Bishop and Father both cower on the floor together. “Ooh! Aah!”
“Are you absolutely stark... raving... BA...NA..NAS?” He notices the banana in his hand, startles, and throws it away. “You can't mention slavery!” (Rip) “You'll offend all of our blacks!” (rip) “And don't you DARE…”
Bishop and Father: “Aah! Ooh!”
“...bring up sin and guilt! (rip) Our psychologists and psychiatrists have been working for years to rid Our Beloved Congregation of it's (strangling voice) guilt feeling and com... plex...es!”
The door opens and Miss Johnson timidly enters. “Uh, Pastor?”
He spins to face her. “WHAT?”
The Bishop, Father and Miss Johnson all cower together. “Eek! Ooh! Aah!”
In his normal tone he calmly asks. “Well? What is it Miss Johnson?”
“You... you... you told me to remind you when church starts, and it's two minutes to service time.”
Pastor Present slowly smolders at Bishop Holtz and Father Rosenwinkle. “Well, now you've done it!” He erupts. “JUST LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!”
Miss Johnson runs out screaming. “Ew! Ew! Ew!”
“I hope you're satisfied!” He throws the Bible back at the bishop.
Bishop and Father: “Whoa!”
“Now I'll have to go out there and preach for myself.” He calms. “Yes…” He looks to heaven, gets a beatific smile and folds his hands. “Yes! I shall go out there ... and I shall preach my favorite sermon... ‘On How Mankind…” He hugs his imaginary audience. “Shall Usher in…” He makes a bowing, ushering motion. “the Kingdom of God…” He makes holds his hands up to his head like a crown. “Upon the Earth…” He holds his arms like he was holding a globe. “Through the Power…” He strikes a muscleman pose. “of Positive…” He holds two thumbs up. “Thinking!” He points both index fingers at his head. “Yes... Yes... I shall do that. Our Beloved Congregation so enjoys that one. He slowly leaves in rapturous state. “And the collection is ever so much bigger!”
The Bishop sadly looks at the Father. “Well... He did say he believed in the Bible…” (He flaps the pageless Bible cover) “cover to cover?”
COVER TO COVER
One Sunday morning at a local super church, Pastor Present is seated at his desk. However he has nodded off. His secretary, Miss Johnson enters.
“Pastor. Pastor?” She waves her hand in front of his face and gets no response. She laughs softly. Then starts making faces at the pastor. He stirs; she goes back to attention.
“Humph. Who? Oh, Miss Johnson. What is it?”
“Pastor, Bishop Holtz and Father Rosenwinkle have arrived. They're in the outer office.”
“Oh, good. Well, I definitely wish to speak with them before the service. Send them in, send them in.”
She goes to the door and opens it. “Pastor Present will see you now. This way please.”
Bishop Holtz and Father Rosenwinkle enter the pastor’s office and cross to his desk. Miss Johnson leaves. Everything that Bishop Holtz does, Father Rosenwinkle, who recently graduated seminary, does in a hero worshipping sort of echo effect.
Pastor Present rises from his seat to greet his visitors. “Ah! My dear Bishop Holtz!” He grabs the bishop’s hand and shakes it very strenuously, rattling him.
“Hi-i-i-i.”
“And you must be Fa-a-ather Rosenwinkle!”
Father Rosenwinkle has his hand shaken so hard he loses his balance and falls to his knees. “Eek!”
The pastor returns to his desk and sits down. He gestures. “Have a chair! Have a chair! Oh, I am so happy to see you guys today! Our Beloved Congregation loves it so much when we have guest speakers.”
The Bishop gathers his aplomb, sits and crosses his legs. “And we're very happy to be here. You know this is quite a difference from our church. We only get about 300 people at our services.”
Father Rosenwinkle went through the exact same sitting procedure, and sits with his legs crossed. But he can’t hide his excitement. “I'll say. It took us fifteen minutes to cross the parking lot from the visitor’s parking spaces to the door. This church must be bigger than Yankee stadium!”
Pastor Present tries to look modest, and fails. “Indeed it is.”
The Bishop, having once been a curate, is curious. “How many people do you get at a service?”
Pastor Present smiles contentedly. “Oh, we here at the First Church of The Frigidaire get around 120,000 at the Sunday morning services, (the bishop goes “ooh!“, Father Rosenwinkle echoes him. “Ooh!) 98,000 at the Sunday night service, (Ah! Ah!) 85,000 at the Wednesday night services, (rushes through this line) and 20 or so at the prayer services.”
The Bishop misunderstands. “Only 20,000 at the prayer services? Still, even though it is a smaller percentage, that’s still more than in most congregations.”
Oddly, Pastor Present seems somewhat embarrassed. “Well, no... uh not 20,000... uh, 20.”
Father Rosenwinkle is confused by that, and whispers to the Bishop. “120,000 at the main service but only 20 people at the prayer service? Now why would…”
Pastor Present has good hearing, and butts in. “Ahem. As I was saying, I always like to make sure of the people I invite to speak to Our Beloved Congregation. That's why I wanted to meet you first, to uh, make sure that, you, uh, weren't going to teach any, (he gets very diffident, and hesitant to affront) uh, false... doctrines???”
The Bishop is surprised, and stands up. “False Doctrines!”
Father Rosenwinkle is not only surprised, but affronted that anyone should accuse his Bishop of Heresy. He rises a heart beat later and echoes: “False Doctrines!”
Pastor Present is nervous and apologetic as he tries to calm them. “Now, Now, Now, nothing personal! It's just that things being the way they are these days, well you can't be too careful, now can you?”
The Bishop calms. Followed a split second later by the Father. The bishop sits, followed by the father. The bishop nods. The father nods. The bishop speaks. “True enough. Well, you need not worry about us. Father Rosenwinkle and I both subscribe to the orthodox doctrines the church has held all these centuries. As an old teacher I had in Seminary said: ‘If it's new, it's not true, if it's old it's good as gold‘."
The pastor seems relieved. “Yes. We here at the First Church of the Frigidaire believe in the Bible cover to cover. By the way, which translation of the Bible do you have there?”
“Well, since this is a nondenominational church, I decided to bring along an interdenominational edition of the Bible, the Reversed Standard Version."
Pastor Present gets a thoughtful look in his eye. “I see. Is that the Reversed Standard Version, complete with the Hypocketful?”
“Why... (looks) yes. I believe it is.”
“Ah. May I see that a moment?”
“Of course. Here."
Pastor Present glances through it. “Second Hezekiah... The Book of Hesitations... Paul's Epistle to the Philippines... has them all, I see. Well, we can't have that.” He rips out the section and throws it over his shoulder. “I've never even allowed my beloved congregation to hear the word Hypocketful. It might derange them!”
That shocks Bishop Holtz. “Good Heavens!”
Father Rosenwinkle is also shocked. “By the Virgin Mary!”
Pastor Present rises to his full height, and points an accusing finger at him. “Oh no you don't! None of that Rumanian Church Dogma here! Out she goes!” He rips out another section. “Probably try to push the doctrines of his Holiness the Dope on us!”
Bishop Holtz stands and spreads his hands. “But, but we're not Rumanians! We're Inglicans.”
“Huh?”
“You know, Inglicans.”
“Who?”
Father Rosenwinkle also stands and spreads his hands placatingly. “Yeah, Inglicans. You know, the Church of Grape Brittle and Wireland?”
“Aha!”
“Oh!”
“You're minions of the Archbishop of Pillsbury! Probably try to make us use tea and crumpets for communion.”
The bishop tries to calm him. “No, no. We use bread and wine for the Body and Blood of our Lord.”
It doesn’t work. “So Ho! Transubstantianationalists!” He rips out another section. “And since they are also usually predestinarians as well…” (rip)
Father Rosenwinkle is so upset and frightened he is hiding behind the Bishop. “By the Holy Ghost!”
“Uh, uh! We're not going to have any of that tongue speaking snake juggling Holy Roller stuff going on in this church!” (rip) “And since science has disproved miracles…” (rip... rip... rip) He points an accusing finger at the Bishop. “YOU!”
Both the Bishop and Father fall to their knees hugging each other. “Eek!”
In a perfectly normal tone of voice the pastor inquires. “What were you going to teach about?”
The bishop answers. “Oh. Uh, how the Blood of Christ frees us from the slavery and guilt of sin…”
Pastor Present screams. “ARE YOU CRAZY!!!” In his frenzy he grabs the banana from the fruit bowl and points it at them like a pistol.
Bishop and Father both cower on the floor together. “Ooh! Aah!”
“Are you absolutely stark... raving... BA...NA..NAS?” He notices the banana in his hand, startles, and throws it away. “You can't mention slavery!” (Rip) “You'll offend all of our blacks!” (rip) “And don't you DARE…”
Bishop and Father: “Aah! Ooh!”
“...bring up sin and guilt! (rip) Our psychologists and psychiatrists have been working for years to rid Our Beloved Congregation of it's (strangling voice) guilt feeling and com... plex...es!”
The door opens and Miss Johnson timidly enters. “Uh, Pastor?”
He spins to face her. “WHAT?”
The Bishop, Father and Miss Johnson all cower together. “Eek! Ooh! Aah!”
In his normal tone he calmly asks. “Well? What is it Miss Johnson?”
“You... you... you told me to remind you when church starts, and it's two minutes to service time.”
Pastor Present slowly smolders at Bishop Holtz and Father Rosenwinkle. “Well, now you've done it!” He erupts. “JUST LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!”
Miss Johnson runs out screaming. “Ew! Ew! Ew!”
“I hope you're satisfied!” He throws the Bible back at the bishop.
Bishop and Father: “Whoa!”
“Now I'll have to go out there and preach for myself.” He calms. “Yes…” He looks to heaven, gets a beatific smile and folds his hands. “Yes! I shall go out there ... and I shall preach my favorite sermon... ‘On How Mankind…” He hugs his imaginary audience. “Shall Usher in…” He makes a bowing, ushering motion. “the Kingdom of God…” He makes holds his hands up to his head like a crown. “Upon the Earth…” He holds his arms like he was holding a globe. “Through the Power…” He strikes a muscleman pose. “of Positive…” He holds two thumbs up. “Thinking!” He points both index fingers at his head. “Yes... Yes... I shall do that. Our Beloved Congregation so enjoys that one. He slowly leaves in rapturous state. “And the collection is ever so much bigger!”
The Bishop sadly looks at the Father. “Well... He did say he believed in the Bible…” (He flaps the pageless Bible cover) “cover to cover?”
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