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Choosing A Mate

Staff Member

We know that it is the Lord's will for people to have a mate if they desire one. In the beginning when God created Adam, God Himself made this statement:

"... It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him" (Genesis 2:18 KJV).

"Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, completing) for him" (Genesis 2:18 Amplified).

The Lord wants to bring a mate to those who will ask Him and have the patience to wait for His choice.

There are some single people who are constantly out looking for a mate, and they are miserable because God has not sent them one yet. They have prayed and prayed, yet they still have no mate. Some settle for Satan's provision instead of asking God for the patience to wait for the one whom He would send. If they would look to Jesus and seek to please Him, rather than being concerned about a mate, soon they would find the right one crossing their path. Looking for a man or woman to just keep them from being lonely or just to fill their needs or to be a father or mother to their children should not be the only reasons for desiring a mate. They also need to be concerned about what kind of husband or wife they would be for a mate. These single people are still much in the flesh if they just want their own needs met. They should ask the Lord to fill them with His love and peace.

Being single is an important time to prepare us for marriage. It can also be a time to experience a closer communion with God. As we seek God to cleanse us of the world and help us become the kind of wife or husband that would bless someone, we will soon find that we are not lonely. First, the Lord would begin using us to bless others; then we will find we are content in Him. Eventually, in God's plan and timing, He will bless us with a wonderful mate so that both lives can be a witness for Him. We believe if a marriage cannot glorify the Lord, then it would be better to remain alone. There are worse things than being alone. One of these is to be out of God's will by compromising and marrying someone who does not feel the same way we do about the Lord.

Marriage is the second major choice we make in our lives, and we should never enter into it without much prayer. To rush into a marriage can be disastrous. The most important decision of our lives, of course, is our decision to follow the Lord. This decision is not a one-time declaration, but a daily determination to follow Jesus above all. If we allow the emotional or soulish realm to dominate our lives we become more susceptible to the enemy leading us astray through someone. This area of the flesh should be brought under the Lord's subjection so that Satan does not get the advantage and consequently destroy our lives and ministries. So many have failed the Lord because they chose a man or woman over the Lord.

We find this true throughout the Bible, too. Solomon's heathen wives led him into idolatry. Samson lost his eyes because of a woman, Delilah. David committed murder because of passion for Bathsheba.

Our emotions need to be cleansed as they are not the sign of love. The true definition of love is "God is love." If God is not in a relationship it is not true love. What this world calls love is really lust since it is built on what the other person does for me, not what I can do for him or her. If the other person fails to keep up his end of the bargain, a divorce occurs because the offended mate is no longer pleased. This is the attitude of the world's so-called "love." God's love loves without receiving back; God's love is forgiving and patient. God's love is gentle and kind. God's love waits. God's love sacrifices.

1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible gives us a beautiful definition of real love: (In this King James translation the word "charity" means "love.")

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Man's emotions are not a reliable gauge upon which to establish a marriage relationship. We must know in the Spirit that it is God's will. It is much better to marry for character than for emotion. Emotions fluctuate; character doesn't. Emotions are in the soulish realm, and unless the carnal mind has been renewed, Satan can give us emotions or feelings of love for someone of his choosing. (If he did not have this in his power, he could not split up marriages.) One of his favorite techniques is to suddenly take away the feelings one once had for his mate and give feelings for someone else. When he has successfully convinced a person that he no longer loves his or her mate, then he leads them to divorce, whispering, "You are living a lie." After he has destroyed that marriage, he then leads one to marry again by stirring their emotions for another. Often after their next marriage something happens that they do not expect. Before too long, friction begins to develop with the new mate, then arguing. Finally, they find the same thing has happened again; they feel no emotion for their new mate and the next divorce is in the making. "Falling" in love is Satan's way. The very expression of these words should tell us something. A Christian should not blindly "fall" into any trap. Love is bigger than simply falling for someone. Certainly, the Lord gives us a wonderful emotional feeling for the one we are to marry. However, this "feeling" without God's direction can be disastrous as Satan can tamper with our emotions and feelings too.

Marriage, in a Christian's life, should be based on a decision directed by the Holy Spirit. A Christian's love for another is a commitment. Of course, the Lord will supply the emotions for the mate He sends, but that should not be the criterion for making the decision to marry. The Lord should be sought, and whatever He speaks to us we should do. He knows the future and what is best for us. If we trust Him He will not fail us in this or any other important area. Women or men who allow emotions to rule them will never be victorious Christians. Emotions should always follow, never lead.

During Old and New Testament times, fathers and mothers chose the mates for their children. God's people were very careful to choose those who were "believers." We find this practice still prevalent in India and other Eastern cultures. The parents, being older and more prudent, made wiser decisions than the children in this area. The divorce rate in India is only about 7%, whereas in the USA, at the present, it is nearing 50%. Marriages that are loveless can be saved and restored simply by asking God to restore the love that was once there. Sexual relationships can also be healed by praying for a desire for one's mate. Prayer is a mighty weapon. God's love can mend and heal, providing people are willing to lay down their lives for their mates. His love will not fade, as does the love of the world.

Those who are single and have never been married are cautioned in God's Word to seek a mate who is a like believer. "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)." Many precious people suffer because they are living with unsaved mates. Some did not have Christ when they made their marriage decision, but they have since found the Lord. Those will have God's grace and love to win their mates for Jesus. The Lord always strives to bring the lost mate to Himself through the partner who knows Him. Mighty miracles of deliverance and salvation have occurred when people have endured suffering in order to bring their mates to the Lord. Those people who have the light, but choose to marry into darkness by yoking themselves to unsaved mates find that their flesh has led them away from God.

The Lord wants to bless marriage unions and see His plans fulfilled in both mates' lives. What a glorious plan He had from the beginning for both male and female. We can trust Him in this important decision. If we will totally commit to do His will we will never be disappointed in the one He sends into our lives.
Amen Chad! Very good and true words. Yes, people are unpatient when it comes to "finding the love of their life", but really we should "wait for the love of our life" God has already found them.

Thanks for the word Chad! :shade:

God Bless
Sis in Christ:love:
Amen Chad . Destiny is a vital part of Gods plan in our live's . Many Christians need to understand that . God knows all things and did so from the foundation of the earth .
In order to truly find our way in Christ , we must first realize that he knew us before we ever knew him ! Therefore destiny is not a coincidence , but a way of organizing the universe to God .
In all our way's , we are to trust God with the understanding that he knows the way best . He planned our way before we were even born . :boy_hug: :love: Mike
Staff Member
"we must first realize that he knew us before we ever knew him "

I always love hearing this part always! It just blows my mind the wisdom of GOD let alone the fact that this is only one of inifinite things GOD has done to blow our minds away with His awesome power and wisdom.
I am with ya brother ! Many Christians feel as tho they are leaving from a good place in their live's to find Jesus . The real truth is , we are leaving the most imperfect place in our live's , only to find our true place in humanity that has already been established . We will be judged by God for what we wouldn't go out to find ! Mike :computer:
Staff Member
I like the way you quoted Scripture in 3 different important matters as you listed. Very good Jessica your a wise woman of GOD's

I made a mistake long long ago by "online" dating with someone who claimed to be Christian. Well, after all hell broke loose on me and against I learned my mistake.

As Angel's Touch already quoted Scripture: be pure, be with the same yoke (believer).
I just wanted to thank you Chad, Angel, BRO...well everyone...

at my age (17) i find myself really wondering, and asking God what he has in store for me...
Marrage is but one of the many things that i talk with God about. There is always a fear that i may 'fall' for the wrong guy, but this past summer the Lord's really been working on my heart, and i can honestly state that until He provides me a guy, i'm content to wait.
And though i am young, i think that the Lord has something in mind for me, like talking to younger teen girls about dating, paitence, purity...

So thank you for the scriptures, the point of views, and the advice

God Bless
At 17 you seem to be using Godly wisdom. Look to your youth group and youth groups of other churches to fellowship and have fun. In God's time He will bring that someone special. In the mean time if He is leading you to serve Him by ministering to other younger christian girls, than serve Him. He will bless you.

Your sister in Christ,
AlabasterBox, :girl:

Matthew 6

31 "Do not worry then, saying, `What will we eat?' or `What will drink?' or `What will we wear for clothing?'

32. "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

33. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34. "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Amen! Keep me in prayer as I wait. I believe God has heard my prayer for a mate shown us to each other and now is saying WAIT on me to bring you all together the way I wish to. Thanks for this awesome post!
Thank you so much Chad for this words you gave!

Lately I've been trying a lot to be in God's path and not to think about that especial and perfect person that God wants for me.
I'm praying to God to put my eyes upon Him and not be worried o ancious about anything else.
And what you say is true, we must be patience and find ourselves complete in Jesus our Lord, and everything else will come by His grace.
I mean God's word encourage us to wait in Him and He will make wonders in our lives... I just can't take this much love!
God's love and timing are so wonderful and wise...

God bless you!

your sister
My thoughts on this are be where people of God are when you are thinking about a mate. The bible says we are not to be unequally yoked. If you are where other christians are your chances of finding a godly mate are much greater. If you see your spouse in the word before marriage you will be more apt to see them in it after. Without Christ being braided in the midst of the marriage it will not stand. We need to be careful about this most serious choice. Parents start your children praying for their future spouse. It will start a good habit to pray for your spouse and it will bathe this person in prayer!!!
I love my husband and it has been 26 years and I know it is because of Christ in our lives!
Only If you wait patiently God will provide you with the right person. Iam 26 and still single I believe only God will show me the person Iam gonna spent my life with...Happily married. I don`t wanna live a life of wishing I hadn`t fallen in that marriage because of problems.

Coloss 1:11 ..being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully
A couple of thoughts from one who's approaching his 40th wedding anniversary: First of all, there's probably nothing wrong in your life if you are, say, in your thirties or forties and still single. The apostle Paul highly recommends the single life (see 1 Cor 7:1,7), that it be viewed as a blessing, an opportunity to be a truly full time believer..

Secondly, if you don't like your life when you're alone, you won't like it when you're with somebody. Marriage is not a cure for loneliness, nor does it cure any dysfunctional behaviors. Take advantage of your status as a single person and plunge into the work of God's Kingdom. You may come to learn that God has appointed you to the single life, regardless of the social pressures you feel to marry and that it is only in being single and devoted to Him that you will feel truly complete..

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thank you Chad for these words. they are so deep and reveal us that God is always besides us. we must only have to keep the faith and be patient.

i was really edified by the topic and all the comments , thanks.
I don't understand how you can marry someone just because he or she has a good character and not because you love this someone,
I can't go on dating a guy I have no feelings for, even if he's really a good guy,
I tried this before, I wanted to do it God's way, praying together and not relying on feelings but I was chocking, I couldn't go on, I had to end it.

Not all feelings are from Satan, after all we are created on God's image, and we can love because He blessed us with this nature, love flowing from His love.
i agree with that. any move in life that isnt God's will can ruin us before we realize it.

we should all be patient in the Lord and He will guide us in our hearts. one thing i have learned recently is that time isnt the healer, God is and the more we depend on Him, the more dependable we find God to be.
A couple of thoughts from one who's approaching his 40th wedding anniversary: First of all, there's probably nothing wrong in your life if you are, say, in your thirties or forties and still single. The apostle Paul highly recommends the single life (see 1 Cor 7:1,7), that it be viewed as a blessing, an opportunity to be a truly full time believer..

Secondly, if you don't like your life when you're alone, you won't like it when you're with somebody. Marriage is not a cure for loneliness, nor does it cure any dysfunctional behaviors. Take advantage of your status as a single person and plunge into the work of God's Kingdom. You may come to learn that God has appointed you to the single life, regardless of the social pressures you feel to marry and that it is only in being single and devoted to Him that you will feel truly complete..


I agreed with you SpiritLed.. I'm single anyway.. and I thank God for this.. patiently.. I commit my life to Jesus..[/I] Its a blessing to me..
Its Gods will not my will..
Thank u so much man for such a wonderful piece of advise. ive learnt a lot from that. I always enjoy reading sound christian advice.

But at times i have feeling that we as christians we tend to swing the pendulum far to high, overspiritualizing everything in the process especially when coming to relationships, thus killing the simplicity that is found in Christianity. This has often led to many christians being frustrated when they couldn't find anyone coming their way. Sometimes only to find out that they lacked the simple wisdom to play their part or to make the right move when the opportunity availed itself.
I believe in what i call THE DIVINE FREEDOM OF CHOICE, in which God allows and gives his children divine freedom to choose the right partner for themselves as long as their choices are made in the light of his word. What did Apostle Paul mean when he said.....if you cannot control yourself then marry? Doesn't this suggest a -go ahead look for a partner -type of thing?

Of course as long as everything is done prayerfully (i believe in tongues) and in the light of God's word. The bible and the holy spirit must always have a final say. E.g under no circustance is a born again child of God allowed to marry an unbeliver....what communion is there between light and darkness?

But im also aware that there are few people in real life who have had the grace to meet their loved ones through a somewhat special miraculous experiece that is not always easy to explain (i believe i'll join them very soon!). We can take an example with the case of Issac in the bible(Genesis).

But you see, it would be totaly wrong to conclude that that is the only method that God operates with in relationships. In short what im saying is, lets focus more on giving people some practical wisdom from the word of God on what we mean by "WAIT ON GOD FOR THE RIGHT PARTNER" Its always easy to say that because its true and it sounds SPIRITUAL. Anyone can say that. I believe when Apostle Paul said ....then you should marry....that was one way of giving a practical advise.

By the way im busy working on a book on christian relatonships and dating. So far Ive managed to discover that there is only two basic laws that operate in meeting the right partner. (1)DIVINE INSTRUCTION (Eg. Issac), (2) DIVINE FREEDOM OF CHOICE (mentioned above). I would highly appreciate your opinion and advice on this. And of course everyone is welcome.......LOVE YOU GUYZ!!
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(I think im replying right this is complicated)

Anywho, This is so true. People my age(17) are in a big hurry to find their one and grow up. I know how it is, I just realized that your not suppose to chase a guy and look for them, but instead look to God and follow him, and worship him and he will send you the right one.
"Dance with God, for he will let the right one cut in"

(again sorry if this isnt the reply to this...im new at this.:embarasse