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Camp... God... My life...

(Not sure of where to put this but... here seemed good.)

June 14-18th I was gone at Camp Sagmount in Joplin, Missouri. Monday night we had evening service and I wasn't really paying attention to what the speaker, Jim Chapman from Big Chap Ministries, was saying. All I really remember about the message he spoke to us that night was the topic was pain. I was sitting there with some friends and I was thinking about nothing in particular when this question came to my mind, Is God Real?. I wrote it down and I gave the note to my friend, Scott.

The next night I sat by him during evening service. I once again asked him, is God real. He and I got to talking about it and I told him that I wasn't the person I had led him to be. Scott told me that no matter how different I was nothing would make him stop being my friend. I was wondering why Scott would still be my friend if I was lieing to him and it hit me. God is real; His love is unconditional. Just like Scott's love for me as a friend. It didn't matter what I did; he'd always be there for me.

Thursday afternoon I went to a mini camp called Prayer Path with a girl from my church, Marisa. Prayer Path is basically a small labyrinth. You go through it listening to a cd player and the cd has some things you meditate on at different stations. Two of those stations really spoke to me. At one of them you sat down and held a stone in your hand. You were supposed to imagine all your worries and fears going into that stone and then you dropped it in a bucket, making all of your worries and fears disappear. Then at the other one you sat in front of a mirror and asked God to show you who He saw. I did that and my total look upon myself was changed. I used to always think I was stupid and ugly. But I'm not. God made me just the way He wanted me to be. And I'm proud of it.

That night we had an awesome service, the same as Wednesda night. But I wasn't enjoying it. I was in a bad mood for no reason and I keep hurting myself, on purpose. I had my back facing towards the front so the two people I was sitting by, Brenden and Scott, saw my face. I started throwing like my folder and other items into the chair between the two guys. I couldn't help it. I was enraged because I couldn't feel God. I felt like I had lost Him again. Then I realized why. I hadn't gave everything to God. I still got angry easily, I still hurt myself, and I still got very upset. I didn't know what to do so I curled up in my chair, crying. I gave it all to Him last night and haven't really had a thought about hurting myself since.

I think this is the farthest I've come in my walk with God since I became a Christian. I have been one since I was in 6th grade about 3 or 4 years ago. Things have been rocky for me because my family isn't Christian and not many of my friends from school are. But I've overcame a lot and I know God is real... And I keep on going no matter what.

the most important thing is you havnt given up and your moods and searching will go on until we return to god