Another of my plays from the '70s.
BIG FISH, LITTLE FISH, part 1
Deep in the wine dark sea, there dwelt a fish. But this was no ordinary fish. He was the Big Fish. He was the biggest fish, the strongest fish, the handsomest, wisest, most intelligent fish, the kindest, bravest, most generous fish in all the sea. In short, if there was any good quality to be had, he either had the most of it or was the best at it. All the other fish loved him, for despite having all of these good traits, He was also the most modest fish as well. Ah, here He comes now, swimming slowly and gracefully with large powerful sweeps of his fins. The other smaller fish follow, looking adoringly at the Big Fish, giving small flapping swimming motions with their much smaller fins and tails. Yes. All the smaller fish followed whereever He went. If Big Fish went left, they went left. If he went right, they went right. And so they all swam happily. Well, except for the smallest of the fish. That little guy at the back of the line. Who is passing the other in a hurry to reach Big Fish.
"Hey, Big Fish! Big Fish!"
Hearing the voice, Big Fish slowed and stopped. He looked. "Hmm? Oh, yes. Hello, Little Fish. What's on your mind?"
"Hey, Big Fish. You've been the big fish now for 1,234,567,890 years, 3 months, 7 days, 3 hours and 45 minutes."
"That sounds about right."
"Well. What I want to know is: when is it somebody else's turn to be Big Fish? I mean you are the big fish all the time. Surely lots of us have what it takes to be the big fish. Like me, for example. When's it going to be my turn? Huh? Real soon, maybe? Huh?"
"I'm afraid that it will never be your turn, Little Fish. Or any one else's turn for that matter. You see, I'm the Big Fish because I'm, well, so very big. And you're Little Fish because you're, uh, um, minuscule. I can't be small, and you can't be large. I'm afraid that no one else can get a turn at being the big fish."
"So I don't get to be the big fish because I'm minuscule, huh? Just who are you calling minuscule, anyway?" He turned to Small Fish. "Psst! What's minuscule, anyway?"
"It means little, stupid."
"Oh. O.K. So maybe I am minuscule. But that doesn't matter! I've heard about this place called Land. It's got streets paved with gold, perfumed air, and best of all, everybody can be big fish there! I'm going to go to land, and I'll be big fish there!"
"But, Little Fish, I don't think..."
"Well I do think! And I think I'm going to Land! So there!"
The other fishes shook their heads. "Don't go, stupid!"
"You'll be soorrr-eee!"
Little Fish blew out bubbles in derision. "I'm only sorry I didn't leave years ago! Goodbye to bad rubbish!"
And so Little Fish swam towards the surface. He spotted land and crawled up onto the beach, where he grew arms and legs. He looked around. "Ah, made it at last. So this is Land, huh? Hmm. Doesn't look like much. I don't see any streets paved with gold. Hmm. I'll just take a whiff of the perfumed air." He took a deep breath, and choked. "Ugh! Yukky Poo! Woof! Chenel #5 it ain't! Oh well. So what do you do on land, anyway? I know. I'll sing and dance. Bum diddy boom diddy bum diddy... bum diddy... bum diddy... bum... bum... bummer. What a nowhere scene." He idly started to scratch his wrist. "Hmm, and now my wrist is itchy."
He heard a strange sound, and turned to find a strange person standing there. "Say, Who are you?"
The person didn't answer directly. "Well, what have we here?" He chuckled. "Ah, Yes. A visitor to our fair land. You may call me Lucy. All of my fiends, uh, friends do."
Little Fish thought that was odd. "Lucy? Isn't that a girl's name? What do they call you Lucy for?"
Lucy waved that off casually. "Ooh, lets not get into that right now, shall we? Tell me. What do you think of our fair Land so far, Fish?"
"Oh, it's kinda nice, I guess."
"Yes, Isn't it? Oh, but I see you have an itch, you poor thing. I've got just what you need to cure that. A-gent!
Lucy snapped his fingers and spins off. Little Fish was still trying to figure out where Lucy went, when he heard a sound behind him. He turned to find a scholarly looking gentleman pushing a wheelbarrow filled to overflowing with dozens of books. The man stopped, set down the wheelbarrow and introduced himself.
"Greetings, felicitations, salutations, and not only that, but hello as well. I am Professor Phil Ossifer. I am here to relieve your brain from its willful, deliberate stupidity. From the look of you it's probably a waste of time since you look like you're ready for Freddy." Little Fish heard an ominous organ chord and looked around, but couldn't see where it was coming from. The man continued. "And I know he's ready for you."
"Freddy? Who's Freddy?"
"No Matter. You'll learn that later. Probably the hard way. I have with me here the complete Encyclopedia Rediculi."
"Rediculi?"
"Plural of ridiculous. Now what you must do is read this encyclopedia, and then I will test you to see how well you've learned. Start now." The Professor turned away.
"Gee, that's a lot." He picks up the first volume and opens to page one. "Lets see... aardvark... a small..."
The Professor turns back around. "Times up! Put away those books! Now for your first question. Is it: 'true' or 'false'?" The professor closes his eyes and folds his arms over his chest, with a haughty expression.
Little Fish is confused, and mutters to himself. "Good grief! True or false? Gee, I don't know... I... say what's this written on my shirt cuff? Ah!" To the professor, he exclaimed. "It is True."
The professor was surprised, and opens his eyes and unfolds his arms. "He got it! Oh well. That was just the easy one. Let's try something more advanced. Is it 'a', 'b', 'c', 'd', 'e', 'none of the above' or 'all the above'?" The professor sneers and recrosses his arms, looking aside haughtily.
Little Fish looks to be sure the professor can't see it, and looks under his watch. "Ah! None of the above except all the above."
The professor is shocked. "Good heavens! Is he smarter then he looks?" He carefully looks Fish up and down. "Humph! Everybody is smarter than he looks! O.K., Fish! Now for the toughest question of them all! Lets see if you can handle this one!" He pulls out a scroll from under his coat, unrolls it and reads it. "Positive negative X to the third power squared plus the square root of negative one times the gross national product of Argentina in 1908 divided by Miss Florida's measurement's over the length of the Panama Canal minus San Francisco Bay's high tide depth times the tangent ratio of the polar lunar shadow divided by Ted Turner's monthly income times the speed of light minus the distance to Alpha Centauri." He then holds it up so Little Fish can read it.
"Holy cow! That's a question?" Noticing that the scroll blocks part of the professor's view, Little Fish looks on the sole of his shoe. "The number of the grains of sand on Pismo Beach in months with no "r" in them".
The professor's jaw drops. "He did it! Ach Du Slivovitz! Congratulations, Fish! You did it! Even Einstein gave up in disgust after working on that for three years." The graduation march starts playing in the background on that unseen organ. "Here is your diploma, my boy. You do know what a diploma is, don't you?"
"Sure. Diploma's da man who fixa da sink."
"What a dunderhead! This is your D. E. degree."
"D. E. Degree?"
"Doctor of Everything. Here, lets take a quick look through the Hall of Great Geniuses. Behold all the statues of the smartest men in history. Here are Socrates, Aristotle and Plato. You know them, don't you?"
"Sure. Plato is the guy who invented modeling clay."
"Woof! Over here we have the great scientists Sir Isaac Newton and Immanuel Kant. No doubt you are familiar with their works?"
"Oh, yeah. They gave rise to the proverb: "Newton Can, But Immanuel Kant."
"Humph! To continue. Here we see the famous Greek playwriters; Aeschulus, Sophocles, Aristophanes, Euripedes, and Eumendes." [note: their names are pronounced Ess-chew-luss, Sof-a-clees, Ar-iss-tof-a-nees, You-rip-a-dees and You-men-dees]
"Yeah. I saw those last two guys yesterday in the tailor shop."
"In the tailor shop?"
"Uh-huh. A guy came in and said, 'Eumendes pants?' and the owner said, 'Why, Euripedes'?"
"ORG! Lets move on. There's Einstein, Werner Von Braun, Johannes Kepler, Tycho Brahe, Galileo, and there at the end. It's the biggest genius of all time."
"Gee! Who's he?"
"Idiot! That's you, you knucklehead. You are the biggest genius of all time, you jerk! The first one ever to win the D. E. degree. Now get out there and save the world! Lead mankind into a new golden age. Create a new philosophy, a new religion, be a trailblazer! I'm outta here."
"Gee. I'm the greatest genius of all time. The smartest guy who ever lived. I'm smarter than Big Fish. But if I'm so smart, why can't I figure out how to get rid of this itch?" He scratches his whole arm. He hears that strange sound effect, and Lucy enters. "Oh hi, Lucy."
"Well, Fish! How are things going?"
"Pretty good, I suppose. I went to college, got my degree, but my itch seems to have gotten worse."
"How nice, er, nasty. Still you know what they say: "A sound mind in a sound body." Now, thanks to all that higher education, you have a sound mind, fully able to think exactly as you have been brainwashed. So, why not do something for that body of yours. It is most important to have a finely tuned body, for after all, all sensory input comes through it and you can't enjoy the finest pleasures life has to offer, unless your body is in the best shape possible. I know just the right person to get you into shape. A-gent!" Lucy snaps his fingers and spins off again.
A man in a Marine Corps Drill Instructor's uniform marches up. "1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, what, is, that, yuchh! You! Come here!"
"Who sir? Me sir?"
"Yes sir. You sir. Lets have a good look at you. Umph, umph, umph! Boy, you is the worst specimen of what ever it is that you is that I have ever had the misfortune to lay my eyes on. Get down there, gold brick, and give me 1000 push ups!"
"1...2......3.....grunt!..." (crash!)
"Cheese and crackers! What a wimp!" The Sarge sadly rolls his eyes at heaven. "Why do I get all the namby-pamby panty-wasted nincompoops and nerds in all of the cosmic manifestation in my outfit?"
"Gee, I don't know, Sarge."
"I wasn't talking to you, creampuff! Stick out your arm, Sweetpea, and let me feel your muscles. Well, where are they?"
"Golly. I had them when I came in."
"Well, har, har, hardy, har har! Everybody's a cockamamie comedian nowadays. Looky here, Aunt Petunia, what did your mother feed you?"
"Seaweed, sir."
"Seaweed? Woof! You are what you eat, and you must be eating outta garbage cans! No wonder you look like you're ready for Freddy!" That ominous organ chord plays again, and Fish still can't see where it is coming from. "And I just know Freddy is ready for a hot house plant like you!"
"Freddy? Who's Freddy?"
"Did I ask for commentary, Milktoast? Lets start feeding you right." He takes off his backpack, and pulls out a hamburger. "Here you go. A Randy McDandy Half-A-Pounder." He hands it to Fish, who puts it on his head like a hat. "No, no, nature boy! You don't wear it, you eat it."
Little Fish takes it off his head, and starts to put it to his mouth, but then smells it. "Ooh, smells ugly."
"Never mind the smell, Dweebmeister! Just eat the thing."
"I don't wanna."
"I said eat it!"
"No! No!" They struggle, and Sarge finally rams it down Fish's throat. "Oh, ack, say, it wasn't as bad as I thought."
Sarge reaches into his pack, and pulls out a small bottle. "This is what you need, Sweetpea! Victorious Vincent's Vitalizing Vitamins!"
"Vitamins?" He drinks, his eyes light up, his head shakes. "Wow! Vitamins!"
The Sarge reaches back into the knapsack and pulls out a carton. "Yogurt! Protein!"
"Protein! Yogurt!" Fish eats it, and goes into a muscle pose, breathing heavily.
Sarge pulls out a jar. "Wheat germ! Energy!"
"Yeah, yeah, energy!" Fish eats it like Cookie Monster, becoming hyper active. " Pant, Puff, Drool!"
Sarge holds up a can. "Brain food! Tuna!"
"TUNA!" Fish devours it, can and all, and turns into a werewolf. "HOWL! Woof! Slobber!"
Sarge looks through his knapsack. "That seems to be it. I'm all out." Fish roars and attacks, biting Sarge. "Yow!"
Fish chases him for a while, but then loses him. Having used up so much energy, Little Fish is still hyper, but slowing to normal.
"Exercise... protein... brain food... vitamins... itch. Drat! Now it's on both arms." He hears the strange sound again, and spots Lucy. "Oh. Hello again, Lucy. You know that last guy you sent me really knows his stuff. I'm all stronger, and bigger and healthy and all, but this nasty itch is getting bigger and stronger, too."
"Ah, Fish, How my heart laughs, er, weeps for you. But you know Fish, I know just what you need to take your mind off that nasty old itch. Fish, What you need is a wife."
"A wife?"
"Of course you do. And I know just the girl for you." Emma walks by to stripper music. "Isn't she a living doll?"
"Ooh, wow! She is gorgeous! Can I really have one of those?"
"Of course. Why, you can even have that one if you like." He mutters to himself. "Everybody else does."
"Well, how do you do that?"
"Well, you flirt a bit, ask her out, go out a few times, head off somewhere private, fool around a bit, build up a pair of really good false fronts, so neither knows what the other's really like, spend money like water, throw around gifts, and once you have her completely fooled, propose. If she accepts, that's it. Now get over there and flirt outrageously."
"Uh, Excuse me, miss, but...uh..."
In a bored tone of voice, Emma answered. "All right, I'll marry you, you persistent thing you!"
Fish turns back to Lucy. "Gee, you're right. That was easy. What do I do now?"
"You take her before my old friend, Justice Foresail. Why there he is now. Oh, Justice Foresail? Could you come here for a minute?"
"What's up, Lucy?"
"We need you to perform a wedding."
"Oh, hello again Emma. This is the 12th time you've been up before me in the court this year. Trying a new racket this time, eh?"
Fish turned to Lucy. "What's he mean by that?"
"The judge likes to get up early and play tennis. He just hates it when people come before him in the courts a lot. And being a tennis fan, of course he's interested in Emma's rackets."
"Oh, right."
The judge looked around. "We need a witness."
Lucy waved his hand. "I'll do it. I'm always willing to swear at anything."
"Then, lets go. Do you, Emma Hooker, promise to take this homely jerk for all you can get, to take him for better, for richer, in health, to bleed him dry, to cleave to him until something better comes along, until divorce or death by natural causes, such as 45 caliber bullets, causes you to part?"
Fish nervously turned to Lucy. "Forty-five caliber bullets is death by natural causes?"
"Of course! If somebody pumps a dozen 45 slugs into you, why you'd just naturally die, now wouldn't you? In fact, it would be rather unnatural if you didn't!"
"Huh. Never thought of it like that."
Emma wasn't very enthused. "Oh, I suppose so."
The judge turned to the groom. "And do you, Little Fish - on second thought, why ask you? I now pronounce you fish and fishwife. That'll be 20 bucks."
Fish was surprised at that, and rooted through his pockets. "Oh... I seem to be a little short. Emma, do you have 20 bucks I can borrow?"
Emma screamed. "20 Bucks?" She grabs Fish by the throat and shakes him about. "I'll give you 20 bucks!"
Justice Forsail yells. "Yikes!" He flees in a hurry.
Lucy shrieks in fear. "Eek!" He exits swiftly.
"You call yourself a husband? Ha! That's a laugh! Just look at this ratty mink I'm wearing! The kids shoes have holes in them! And when are you going to get us a decent place to live? It's like living in a goldfish bowl in that rattrap we live in. The man at the gas station says we can't use his grease pit to take baths in anymore. He says the soap bubbles clog the carburetors. And speaking of cars, you promised me a Rolls-Royce. You got me a Rolls-Canardly. It rolls down one hill and can hardly get up the next! You're gonna get a job, you lazy slob! No, You're going to get two jobs, and bring me both checks! Now get out of here and get cracking!"
She flings Fish to the floor and walks away.
"Yes dear. Yes dear! Right away dear!"
Little Fish wandered about. "Gotta get a job. Gotta get two jobs. Gotta get two jobs, and bring back both checks. But where do you go to get a job? Say, what's this? 'Hyrum N. Fireum's Employment Agency. We gets jobs for lazy slobs.' Sounds like just the place for me."
He entered the storefront office, and found Hyrum behind his desk. Talking on the phone. "No, Herbie. I wouldn't buy any stock in a company like A.T.&T. I mean, Amalgamated Tightropes and Tetrahedrons just doesn't sound like it is going to go anywhere. I have to hang up Herbie. A sucker just came in. Well Kid, what can I do for you?"
"Well, sir, I'm looking for work."
"You came to the right place. Our little agency has never had a customer we failed to find work for. Still there's a first time for everything. Lets see what we have available. What do you know about nuclear physics?"
"I have a degree in nuclear physics."
"Pity. There's just no call for those these days." (He looks at Fish closely.) "Maybe I can find you a job as a surgeon, welder, or burglar."
"Surgeon, welder or burglar? Why those?"
"So you can wear a mask while you work. How about Microbiology?"
"I have a degree in that, too. In fact I have a Doctor of Everything degree."
"Who doesn't these days? The schools are pumping them out by the hundreds. It wouldn't do you any good any way. I just noticed that the microbiology post was filled yesterday. Tell me, can you push a broom?"
"A broom?"
"Yeah. This place is a mess. Broom closet is over there. Well, get moving, Fish!" He cracks a whip, Fish grabs a broom and rapidly starts sweeping. "Time is money and you're broke! Faster Fish, faster! Fish! Where's my coffee?" Fish runs to the coffemaker, pours a cup and puts it on the desk. "Now go clean out the reception room, and rearrange the furniture."
Hyrum picks up phone. "Hello, Herbie? Yeah, I have a few reservations about that deal." He covers the mouthpiece and yells to Fish. "And then you can redo the file system so it's numeric instead of alphabetical. But can you really trust a company like P.G.&E.? Pirates, Goons and Enforcers just sounds like a bunch of crooks to me."
He yells to Fish. "And when you finish that, you can repaint the reception room." Fish runs through with paint can and brush.
"You could be right, Herbie, But think about it for a minute. Nobody seems to know just what Transcendental Dental makes. What if you buy the stock, and then everybody finds out that they really don't make anything? Oh yeah? Well you're another one.”
“Excuse me. Hey, Fish! I changed my mind. Put the files back like they were in the first place. And then reprogram all the computers.”
“Herbie? Go ahead and buy the G.M.shares. Yeah, General Mayhem looks good." Fish staggers in and collapses. "And see if you can trade the Apple Abacus for G.E. I just know General Ecstasy is bound to do well. That about covers it. See you tomorrow, Herbie."
He spots the collapsed Fish. "What's this, Fish? Asleep on the job? You're fired!" He grabs Fish and tosses him out.
Fish lies in misery in a back alley. "Now what am I gonna do? I've been fired. Can't bring home a check, much less two checks. They're gonna repossess my car, take back the house, the wife will leave me, baby needs a new pair of shoes and I still have this dratted itch!"
He alternates crying and scratching all over. He hears the sound effect, and Lucy walks up.
"Fish! I just heard a rumor of your troubles, and had to get a front row seat. So I could see if it was true! And it is! How sad and sorry a sight you are. But I know just the fellow who can pull you out of this mess. My old friend Asa Kite. A-gent!" Lucy snaps his fingers and Asa shuffles up. "Hi, Asa Kite! I'll leave you in Asa's expert hands." Lucy spins out.
BIG FISH, LITTLE FISH, part 1
Deep in the wine dark sea, there dwelt a fish. But this was no ordinary fish. He was the Big Fish. He was the biggest fish, the strongest fish, the handsomest, wisest, most intelligent fish, the kindest, bravest, most generous fish in all the sea. In short, if there was any good quality to be had, he either had the most of it or was the best at it. All the other fish loved him, for despite having all of these good traits, He was also the most modest fish as well. Ah, here He comes now, swimming slowly and gracefully with large powerful sweeps of his fins. The other smaller fish follow, looking adoringly at the Big Fish, giving small flapping swimming motions with their much smaller fins and tails. Yes. All the smaller fish followed whereever He went. If Big Fish went left, they went left. If he went right, they went right. And so they all swam happily. Well, except for the smallest of the fish. That little guy at the back of the line. Who is passing the other in a hurry to reach Big Fish.
"Hey, Big Fish! Big Fish!"
Hearing the voice, Big Fish slowed and stopped. He looked. "Hmm? Oh, yes. Hello, Little Fish. What's on your mind?"
"Hey, Big Fish. You've been the big fish now for 1,234,567,890 years, 3 months, 7 days, 3 hours and 45 minutes."
"That sounds about right."
"Well. What I want to know is: when is it somebody else's turn to be Big Fish? I mean you are the big fish all the time. Surely lots of us have what it takes to be the big fish. Like me, for example. When's it going to be my turn? Huh? Real soon, maybe? Huh?"
"I'm afraid that it will never be your turn, Little Fish. Or any one else's turn for that matter. You see, I'm the Big Fish because I'm, well, so very big. And you're Little Fish because you're, uh, um, minuscule. I can't be small, and you can't be large. I'm afraid that no one else can get a turn at being the big fish."
"So I don't get to be the big fish because I'm minuscule, huh? Just who are you calling minuscule, anyway?" He turned to Small Fish. "Psst! What's minuscule, anyway?"
"It means little, stupid."
"Oh. O.K. So maybe I am minuscule. But that doesn't matter! I've heard about this place called Land. It's got streets paved with gold, perfumed air, and best of all, everybody can be big fish there! I'm going to go to land, and I'll be big fish there!"
"But, Little Fish, I don't think..."
"Well I do think! And I think I'm going to Land! So there!"
The other fishes shook their heads. "Don't go, stupid!"
"You'll be soorrr-eee!"
Little Fish blew out bubbles in derision. "I'm only sorry I didn't leave years ago! Goodbye to bad rubbish!"
And so Little Fish swam towards the surface. He spotted land and crawled up onto the beach, where he grew arms and legs. He looked around. "Ah, made it at last. So this is Land, huh? Hmm. Doesn't look like much. I don't see any streets paved with gold. Hmm. I'll just take a whiff of the perfumed air." He took a deep breath, and choked. "Ugh! Yukky Poo! Woof! Chenel #5 it ain't! Oh well. So what do you do on land, anyway? I know. I'll sing and dance. Bum diddy boom diddy bum diddy... bum diddy... bum diddy... bum... bum... bummer. What a nowhere scene." He idly started to scratch his wrist. "Hmm, and now my wrist is itchy."
He heard a strange sound, and turned to find a strange person standing there. "Say, Who are you?"
The person didn't answer directly. "Well, what have we here?" He chuckled. "Ah, Yes. A visitor to our fair land. You may call me Lucy. All of my fiends, uh, friends do."
Little Fish thought that was odd. "Lucy? Isn't that a girl's name? What do they call you Lucy for?"
Lucy waved that off casually. "Ooh, lets not get into that right now, shall we? Tell me. What do you think of our fair Land so far, Fish?"
"Oh, it's kinda nice, I guess."
"Yes, Isn't it? Oh, but I see you have an itch, you poor thing. I've got just what you need to cure that. A-gent!
Lucy snapped his fingers and spins off. Little Fish was still trying to figure out where Lucy went, when he heard a sound behind him. He turned to find a scholarly looking gentleman pushing a wheelbarrow filled to overflowing with dozens of books. The man stopped, set down the wheelbarrow and introduced himself.
"Greetings, felicitations, salutations, and not only that, but hello as well. I am Professor Phil Ossifer. I am here to relieve your brain from its willful, deliberate stupidity. From the look of you it's probably a waste of time since you look like you're ready for Freddy." Little Fish heard an ominous organ chord and looked around, but couldn't see where it was coming from. The man continued. "And I know he's ready for you."
"Freddy? Who's Freddy?"
"No Matter. You'll learn that later. Probably the hard way. I have with me here the complete Encyclopedia Rediculi."
"Rediculi?"
"Plural of ridiculous. Now what you must do is read this encyclopedia, and then I will test you to see how well you've learned. Start now." The Professor turned away.
"Gee, that's a lot." He picks up the first volume and opens to page one. "Lets see... aardvark... a small..."
The Professor turns back around. "Times up! Put away those books! Now for your first question. Is it: 'true' or 'false'?" The professor closes his eyes and folds his arms over his chest, with a haughty expression.
Little Fish is confused, and mutters to himself. "Good grief! True or false? Gee, I don't know... I... say what's this written on my shirt cuff? Ah!" To the professor, he exclaimed. "It is True."
The professor was surprised, and opens his eyes and unfolds his arms. "He got it! Oh well. That was just the easy one. Let's try something more advanced. Is it 'a', 'b', 'c', 'd', 'e', 'none of the above' or 'all the above'?" The professor sneers and recrosses his arms, looking aside haughtily.
Little Fish looks to be sure the professor can't see it, and looks under his watch. "Ah! None of the above except all the above."
The professor is shocked. "Good heavens! Is he smarter then he looks?" He carefully looks Fish up and down. "Humph! Everybody is smarter than he looks! O.K., Fish! Now for the toughest question of them all! Lets see if you can handle this one!" He pulls out a scroll from under his coat, unrolls it and reads it. "Positive negative X to the third power squared plus the square root of negative one times the gross national product of Argentina in 1908 divided by Miss Florida's measurement's over the length of the Panama Canal minus San Francisco Bay's high tide depth times the tangent ratio of the polar lunar shadow divided by Ted Turner's monthly income times the speed of light minus the distance to Alpha Centauri." He then holds it up so Little Fish can read it.
"Holy cow! That's a question?" Noticing that the scroll blocks part of the professor's view, Little Fish looks on the sole of his shoe. "The number of the grains of sand on Pismo Beach in months with no "r" in them".
The professor's jaw drops. "He did it! Ach Du Slivovitz! Congratulations, Fish! You did it! Even Einstein gave up in disgust after working on that for three years." The graduation march starts playing in the background on that unseen organ. "Here is your diploma, my boy. You do know what a diploma is, don't you?"
"Sure. Diploma's da man who fixa da sink."
"What a dunderhead! This is your D. E. degree."
"D. E. Degree?"
"Doctor of Everything. Here, lets take a quick look through the Hall of Great Geniuses. Behold all the statues of the smartest men in history. Here are Socrates, Aristotle and Plato. You know them, don't you?"
"Sure. Plato is the guy who invented modeling clay."
"Woof! Over here we have the great scientists Sir Isaac Newton and Immanuel Kant. No doubt you are familiar with their works?"
"Oh, yeah. They gave rise to the proverb: "Newton Can, But Immanuel Kant."
"Humph! To continue. Here we see the famous Greek playwriters; Aeschulus, Sophocles, Aristophanes, Euripedes, and Eumendes." [note: their names are pronounced Ess-chew-luss, Sof-a-clees, Ar-iss-tof-a-nees, You-rip-a-dees and You-men-dees]
"Yeah. I saw those last two guys yesterday in the tailor shop."
"In the tailor shop?"
"Uh-huh. A guy came in and said, 'Eumendes pants?' and the owner said, 'Why, Euripedes'?"
"ORG! Lets move on. There's Einstein, Werner Von Braun, Johannes Kepler, Tycho Brahe, Galileo, and there at the end. It's the biggest genius of all time."
"Gee! Who's he?"
"Idiot! That's you, you knucklehead. You are the biggest genius of all time, you jerk! The first one ever to win the D. E. degree. Now get out there and save the world! Lead mankind into a new golden age. Create a new philosophy, a new religion, be a trailblazer! I'm outta here."
"Gee. I'm the greatest genius of all time. The smartest guy who ever lived. I'm smarter than Big Fish. But if I'm so smart, why can't I figure out how to get rid of this itch?" He scratches his whole arm. He hears that strange sound effect, and Lucy enters. "Oh hi, Lucy."
"Well, Fish! How are things going?"
"Pretty good, I suppose. I went to college, got my degree, but my itch seems to have gotten worse."
"How nice, er, nasty. Still you know what they say: "A sound mind in a sound body." Now, thanks to all that higher education, you have a sound mind, fully able to think exactly as you have been brainwashed. So, why not do something for that body of yours. It is most important to have a finely tuned body, for after all, all sensory input comes through it and you can't enjoy the finest pleasures life has to offer, unless your body is in the best shape possible. I know just the right person to get you into shape. A-gent!" Lucy snaps his fingers and spins off again.
A man in a Marine Corps Drill Instructor's uniform marches up. "1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, what, is, that, yuchh! You! Come here!"
"Who sir? Me sir?"
"Yes sir. You sir. Lets have a good look at you. Umph, umph, umph! Boy, you is the worst specimen of what ever it is that you is that I have ever had the misfortune to lay my eyes on. Get down there, gold brick, and give me 1000 push ups!"
"1...2......3.....grunt!..." (crash!)
"Cheese and crackers! What a wimp!" The Sarge sadly rolls his eyes at heaven. "Why do I get all the namby-pamby panty-wasted nincompoops and nerds in all of the cosmic manifestation in my outfit?"
"Gee, I don't know, Sarge."
"I wasn't talking to you, creampuff! Stick out your arm, Sweetpea, and let me feel your muscles. Well, where are they?"
"Golly. I had them when I came in."
"Well, har, har, hardy, har har! Everybody's a cockamamie comedian nowadays. Looky here, Aunt Petunia, what did your mother feed you?"
"Seaweed, sir."
"Seaweed? Woof! You are what you eat, and you must be eating outta garbage cans! No wonder you look like you're ready for Freddy!" That ominous organ chord plays again, and Fish still can't see where it is coming from. "And I just know Freddy is ready for a hot house plant like you!"
"Freddy? Who's Freddy?"
"Did I ask for commentary, Milktoast? Lets start feeding you right." He takes off his backpack, and pulls out a hamburger. "Here you go. A Randy McDandy Half-A-Pounder." He hands it to Fish, who puts it on his head like a hat. "No, no, nature boy! You don't wear it, you eat it."
Little Fish takes it off his head, and starts to put it to his mouth, but then smells it. "Ooh, smells ugly."
"Never mind the smell, Dweebmeister! Just eat the thing."
"I don't wanna."
"I said eat it!"
"No! No!" They struggle, and Sarge finally rams it down Fish's throat. "Oh, ack, say, it wasn't as bad as I thought."
Sarge reaches into his pack, and pulls out a small bottle. "This is what you need, Sweetpea! Victorious Vincent's Vitalizing Vitamins!"
"Vitamins?" He drinks, his eyes light up, his head shakes. "Wow! Vitamins!"
The Sarge reaches back into the knapsack and pulls out a carton. "Yogurt! Protein!"
"Protein! Yogurt!" Fish eats it, and goes into a muscle pose, breathing heavily.
Sarge pulls out a jar. "Wheat germ! Energy!"
"Yeah, yeah, energy!" Fish eats it like Cookie Monster, becoming hyper active. " Pant, Puff, Drool!"
Sarge holds up a can. "Brain food! Tuna!"
"TUNA!" Fish devours it, can and all, and turns into a werewolf. "HOWL! Woof! Slobber!"
Sarge looks through his knapsack. "That seems to be it. I'm all out." Fish roars and attacks, biting Sarge. "Yow!"
Fish chases him for a while, but then loses him. Having used up so much energy, Little Fish is still hyper, but slowing to normal.
"Exercise... protein... brain food... vitamins... itch. Drat! Now it's on both arms." He hears the strange sound again, and spots Lucy. "Oh. Hello again, Lucy. You know that last guy you sent me really knows his stuff. I'm all stronger, and bigger and healthy and all, but this nasty itch is getting bigger and stronger, too."
"Ah, Fish, How my heart laughs, er, weeps for you. But you know Fish, I know just what you need to take your mind off that nasty old itch. Fish, What you need is a wife."
"A wife?"
"Of course you do. And I know just the girl for you." Emma walks by to stripper music. "Isn't she a living doll?"
"Ooh, wow! She is gorgeous! Can I really have one of those?"
"Of course. Why, you can even have that one if you like." He mutters to himself. "Everybody else does."
"Well, how do you do that?"
"Well, you flirt a bit, ask her out, go out a few times, head off somewhere private, fool around a bit, build up a pair of really good false fronts, so neither knows what the other's really like, spend money like water, throw around gifts, and once you have her completely fooled, propose. If she accepts, that's it. Now get over there and flirt outrageously."
"Uh, Excuse me, miss, but...uh..."
In a bored tone of voice, Emma answered. "All right, I'll marry you, you persistent thing you!"
Fish turns back to Lucy. "Gee, you're right. That was easy. What do I do now?"
"You take her before my old friend, Justice Foresail. Why there he is now. Oh, Justice Foresail? Could you come here for a minute?"
"What's up, Lucy?"
"We need you to perform a wedding."
"Oh, hello again Emma. This is the 12th time you've been up before me in the court this year. Trying a new racket this time, eh?"
Fish turned to Lucy. "What's he mean by that?"
"The judge likes to get up early and play tennis. He just hates it when people come before him in the courts a lot. And being a tennis fan, of course he's interested in Emma's rackets."
"Oh, right."
The judge looked around. "We need a witness."
Lucy waved his hand. "I'll do it. I'm always willing to swear at anything."
"Then, lets go. Do you, Emma Hooker, promise to take this homely jerk for all you can get, to take him for better, for richer, in health, to bleed him dry, to cleave to him until something better comes along, until divorce or death by natural causes, such as 45 caliber bullets, causes you to part?"
Fish nervously turned to Lucy. "Forty-five caliber bullets is death by natural causes?"
"Of course! If somebody pumps a dozen 45 slugs into you, why you'd just naturally die, now wouldn't you? In fact, it would be rather unnatural if you didn't!"
"Huh. Never thought of it like that."
Emma wasn't very enthused. "Oh, I suppose so."
The judge turned to the groom. "And do you, Little Fish - on second thought, why ask you? I now pronounce you fish and fishwife. That'll be 20 bucks."
Fish was surprised at that, and rooted through his pockets. "Oh... I seem to be a little short. Emma, do you have 20 bucks I can borrow?"
Emma screamed. "20 Bucks?" She grabs Fish by the throat and shakes him about. "I'll give you 20 bucks!"
Justice Forsail yells. "Yikes!" He flees in a hurry.
Lucy shrieks in fear. "Eek!" He exits swiftly.
"You call yourself a husband? Ha! That's a laugh! Just look at this ratty mink I'm wearing! The kids shoes have holes in them! And when are you going to get us a decent place to live? It's like living in a goldfish bowl in that rattrap we live in. The man at the gas station says we can't use his grease pit to take baths in anymore. He says the soap bubbles clog the carburetors. And speaking of cars, you promised me a Rolls-Royce. You got me a Rolls-Canardly. It rolls down one hill and can hardly get up the next! You're gonna get a job, you lazy slob! No, You're going to get two jobs, and bring me both checks! Now get out of here and get cracking!"
She flings Fish to the floor and walks away.
"Yes dear. Yes dear! Right away dear!"
Little Fish wandered about. "Gotta get a job. Gotta get two jobs. Gotta get two jobs, and bring back both checks. But where do you go to get a job? Say, what's this? 'Hyrum N. Fireum's Employment Agency. We gets jobs for lazy slobs.' Sounds like just the place for me."
He entered the storefront office, and found Hyrum behind his desk. Talking on the phone. "No, Herbie. I wouldn't buy any stock in a company like A.T.&T. I mean, Amalgamated Tightropes and Tetrahedrons just doesn't sound like it is going to go anywhere. I have to hang up Herbie. A sucker just came in. Well Kid, what can I do for you?"
"Well, sir, I'm looking for work."
"You came to the right place. Our little agency has never had a customer we failed to find work for. Still there's a first time for everything. Lets see what we have available. What do you know about nuclear physics?"
"I have a degree in nuclear physics."
"Pity. There's just no call for those these days." (He looks at Fish closely.) "Maybe I can find you a job as a surgeon, welder, or burglar."
"Surgeon, welder or burglar? Why those?"
"So you can wear a mask while you work. How about Microbiology?"
"I have a degree in that, too. In fact I have a Doctor of Everything degree."
"Who doesn't these days? The schools are pumping them out by the hundreds. It wouldn't do you any good any way. I just noticed that the microbiology post was filled yesterday. Tell me, can you push a broom?"
"A broom?"
"Yeah. This place is a mess. Broom closet is over there. Well, get moving, Fish!" He cracks a whip, Fish grabs a broom and rapidly starts sweeping. "Time is money and you're broke! Faster Fish, faster! Fish! Where's my coffee?" Fish runs to the coffemaker, pours a cup and puts it on the desk. "Now go clean out the reception room, and rearrange the furniture."
Hyrum picks up phone. "Hello, Herbie? Yeah, I have a few reservations about that deal." He covers the mouthpiece and yells to Fish. "And then you can redo the file system so it's numeric instead of alphabetical. But can you really trust a company like P.G.&E.? Pirates, Goons and Enforcers just sounds like a bunch of crooks to me."
He yells to Fish. "And when you finish that, you can repaint the reception room." Fish runs through with paint can and brush.
"You could be right, Herbie, But think about it for a minute. Nobody seems to know just what Transcendental Dental makes. What if you buy the stock, and then everybody finds out that they really don't make anything? Oh yeah? Well you're another one.”
“Excuse me. Hey, Fish! I changed my mind. Put the files back like they were in the first place. And then reprogram all the computers.”
“Herbie? Go ahead and buy the G.M.shares. Yeah, General Mayhem looks good." Fish staggers in and collapses. "And see if you can trade the Apple Abacus for G.E. I just know General Ecstasy is bound to do well. That about covers it. See you tomorrow, Herbie."
He spots the collapsed Fish. "What's this, Fish? Asleep on the job? You're fired!" He grabs Fish and tosses him out.
Fish lies in misery in a back alley. "Now what am I gonna do? I've been fired. Can't bring home a check, much less two checks. They're gonna repossess my car, take back the house, the wife will leave me, baby needs a new pair of shoes and I still have this dratted itch!"
He alternates crying and scratching all over. He hears the sound effect, and Lucy walks up.
"Fish! I just heard a rumor of your troubles, and had to get a front row seat. So I could see if it was true! And it is! How sad and sorry a sight you are. But I know just the fellow who can pull you out of this mess. My old friend Asa Kite. A-gent!" Lucy snaps his fingers and Asa shuffles up. "Hi, Asa Kite! I'll leave you in Asa's expert hands." Lucy spins out.
