Yet another play from the 70's.
ALLAN'S ACCIDENT
One day in Baltimore, a carpenter named Allen was nailing floorboards on a house he was building. As he moved on hands and knees, he would crawl three feet, drive in a nail with three raps, and then go another three feet. But then suddenly, he missed a nail head, smashing it down on his thumbnail instead. “Ow! Ow! Ow!” He dropped his hammer and grabbed his thumb with the other hand. “Aw! Dirty rukkaflash! Dang that hurts!”
But he temporarily forgot his pain when sirens blared out, and a big ambulance turned the corner on two wheels and slammed on the brakes next to the construction site. The doors slammed open and a greatly excited doctor leaped out waving his doctor‘s bag in all directions. He was followed by a rather cute, but bored looking blonde nurse who held a clip board. The doctor ran all around the construction, looking everywhere. “EMERGENCY! Emergency! Where's the victim? QUICK! Quick! where is he?
Allen was greatly confused by this. “Where's who?”
“The guy with the accident! Where is he?”
Allen looked around worriedly. “Gee, I don't see…”
Suddenly the doctor stopped, and pointed at Allen. “YOU! You is the guy with the accident!”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. This.” He held out his thumb.”
The doctor peered at it admiringly. “Say, that's a nice fish you caught there. What kind of bait did you use?”
“That's not a fish! That's my thumb!”
The doctor was amazed. “That's a thumb? What happened?”
“I was nailing these tacks into the floor here when I missed the tack and hit my thumb.”
“Then let's take care of it. Nurse? Nurse? Where are you nurse?”
“Here I am. Right behind you. Is this the victim? (Looks closer.) Oh, how awful! That must hurt terribly. (To doctor.) I didn't know it was this bad, so I didn't bring the plastic surgery unit.”
The doctor shook his head. “No, nurse, it's not his face. Unfortunately he's normally like that.”
“Ew! How awful.”
Allen protested. “Hey!”
The doctor tried to clear it up. “It's his thumb we have to work on. So let's get started.”
The nurse put her hand on the doctor’s shoulder. “Not so fast.”
“But nurse, he's in pain!”
She stood her ground. “Paperwork first, medicine later! Name?”
“Louis Napoleon Theodore Allen the third.”
The doctor was adamant. “We don't have time for this. The man's life may be at stake!”
“We have to make sure he can pay for it first, don't we?”
The doctor paused. “Carry on Nurse.”
“You there. Do you have any insurance?”
“Yeah. Double Cross Mutual.”
The doctor got excited again. “Quick, Nurse! Triple the bill!”
The nurse held out the clip board and a pen. “Sign here.”
“But it's my writing hand that's busted.”
That didn’t phase her. “Then use your teeth.” She sticks the pen in his mouth, and he signs. She turned to the doctor. “He's all yours.”
The doctor puts on his surgeons mask and rubber gloves. “All right nurse, Stethoscope.” She puts down the clipboard, opens the doctor’s bag and hands him the stethoscope. He puts it on and listens to the thumb.
Allen is confused by this. “What are you doing? You can't listen to a heart beat in the thumb.”
“True. But I can listen to the throbs of pain. My, that's really a nice beat you've got going in there. But that's not too surprising. Everybody knows you carpenters are a musical bunch.”
“Musical? How so?”
“You're always playing around with tubas.”
“Tubas? What tubas?”
“Tuba 4's, tuba 6's, tuba 8's…” He repositions the stethoscope to Allen’s head. “No, nothing up here. Say, why don't you come by my office next month? We're going to have a two for one sale on brain surgery and face transplants.”
“Never mind that! What are you going to do about my thumb?”
“What about your thumb?”
“Aren't you going to give it any treatment?”
“Of course I am. But you don't just rush into these things. You have to make sure you have the proper approach. And fortunately for you, I learned the right approach at Johns Hopkins University.” He lowers the surgical mask and kisses the thumb. “There now. Isn't that all better?”
“No! That's made it worse. You didn't sterilize your lips first and now it's probably all infected!”
“Humph!”
“Now go ahead and treat the thumb properly.”
“Very well. I hadn't wanted to do this, but this calls for radical treatment. Nurse, we are going to have to decapitate his thumb. Give me the buzz saw.”
The nurse was confused by that. “Decapitate? But that means cut off his head.”
“It does? Oh yeah. Though come to think of it, that might not be a bad solution.”
Allen got indignant. “How can cutting off my head cure the pain in my thumb?”
The doctor waved it off as so obvious. “Simple. The nerve ends in the thumb send the pain through the spine to the brain. The brain then processes the information sent, and you feel this as pain. Remove the brain and you don't feel the pain.”
“Or anything else! Cut off the head and I'm dead!”
The doctor wasn’t worried by that. “Well, there can be one or two of these little side effects.”
“Death is a little side effect? What do you consider a big side effect?”
“What a nit picker you are. Well, I meant castrate. We'll castrate his thumb.”
The nurse shook her head. “But castrate means to remove his sex organs.”
“It does? Maybe that's a good idea. That way none of his potential children will be born with a bum thumb.”
Allen protested. “Sore thumbs aren't genetic. Stop beating around the bush, and treat my thumb!”
The nurse was thoughtful. “I think the word you are looking for is amputate.”
The doctor agreed. “So I am, so I am. Now give me the battery powered buzz saw, nurse. Now hold still.“
The doctor and Allen struggle, duck, bob and weave. Allen complained. “Hey, you can't just amputate it like that!”
The doctor turned the saw off. “You're right. Nurse, give him the anesthesia.” The nurse reached into the doctor’s bag and pulled out a big hammer. She then started sneaking up behind him. When she started to swing, he reached up and grabbed the hammer.
“No! That's not what I meant. Surely there must be a better way to treat it.”
“But surely this is the best way to treat it. Just a few passes with the saw, and bingo! That thumb will never cause you pain again.”
“But I need my thumb.”
“It's not like a brain, or a heart. You can live without it.”
“Perhaps so, but I can live even better with it.”
“But it's out of order. It isn't working right. It throws your hand out of balance, and makes that whole arm useless. And all that pain and suffering is throwing your whole body out of whack. For the good of the body, you must get rid of that thumb.”
“Look, the body is a unified whole. If I go around chopping off parts that aren't perfect in every way, it won't be much of a body. Should I rip out my eyes if they start to get near sighted? Cut off my nose if it starts to drip? Cut off my head if I get a headache? No. Instead I take care of them, thus bringing my whole body into shape. Parts may not be perfect, but it's no reason to destroy them in a search for absolute perfection when it's possible to fix them.”
The doctor sighed, and put away the saw. “OK. but I'm warning you. This is going to hurt. Curing this thing is going to take a long time. And it may not be possible to return it to 100% of it's old usage.” He takes out bandages and starts to wrap it.
“Keeping the body intact is worth the bother, even if it doesn't get back to 100%.”
ALLAN'S ACCIDENT
One day in Baltimore, a carpenter named Allen was nailing floorboards on a house he was building. As he moved on hands and knees, he would crawl three feet, drive in a nail with three raps, and then go another three feet. But then suddenly, he missed a nail head, smashing it down on his thumbnail instead. “Ow! Ow! Ow!” He dropped his hammer and grabbed his thumb with the other hand. “Aw! Dirty rukkaflash! Dang that hurts!”
But he temporarily forgot his pain when sirens blared out, and a big ambulance turned the corner on two wheels and slammed on the brakes next to the construction site. The doors slammed open and a greatly excited doctor leaped out waving his doctor‘s bag in all directions. He was followed by a rather cute, but bored looking blonde nurse who held a clip board. The doctor ran all around the construction, looking everywhere. “EMERGENCY! Emergency! Where's the victim? QUICK! Quick! where is he?
Allen was greatly confused by this. “Where's who?”
“The guy with the accident! Where is he?”
Allen looked around worriedly. “Gee, I don't see…”
Suddenly the doctor stopped, and pointed at Allen. “YOU! You is the guy with the accident!”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. This.” He held out his thumb.”
The doctor peered at it admiringly. “Say, that's a nice fish you caught there. What kind of bait did you use?”
“That's not a fish! That's my thumb!”
The doctor was amazed. “That's a thumb? What happened?”
“I was nailing these tacks into the floor here when I missed the tack and hit my thumb.”
“Then let's take care of it. Nurse? Nurse? Where are you nurse?”
“Here I am. Right behind you. Is this the victim? (Looks closer.) Oh, how awful! That must hurt terribly. (To doctor.) I didn't know it was this bad, so I didn't bring the plastic surgery unit.”
The doctor shook his head. “No, nurse, it's not his face. Unfortunately he's normally like that.”
“Ew! How awful.”
Allen protested. “Hey!”
The doctor tried to clear it up. “It's his thumb we have to work on. So let's get started.”
The nurse put her hand on the doctor’s shoulder. “Not so fast.”
“But nurse, he's in pain!”
She stood her ground. “Paperwork first, medicine later! Name?”
“Louis Napoleon Theodore Allen the third.”
The doctor was adamant. “We don't have time for this. The man's life may be at stake!”
“We have to make sure he can pay for it first, don't we?”
The doctor paused. “Carry on Nurse.”
“You there. Do you have any insurance?”
“Yeah. Double Cross Mutual.”
The doctor got excited again. “Quick, Nurse! Triple the bill!”
The nurse held out the clip board and a pen. “Sign here.”
“But it's my writing hand that's busted.”
That didn’t phase her. “Then use your teeth.” She sticks the pen in his mouth, and he signs. She turned to the doctor. “He's all yours.”
The doctor puts on his surgeons mask and rubber gloves. “All right nurse, Stethoscope.” She puts down the clipboard, opens the doctor’s bag and hands him the stethoscope. He puts it on and listens to the thumb.
Allen is confused by this. “What are you doing? You can't listen to a heart beat in the thumb.”
“True. But I can listen to the throbs of pain. My, that's really a nice beat you've got going in there. But that's not too surprising. Everybody knows you carpenters are a musical bunch.”
“Musical? How so?”
“You're always playing around with tubas.”
“Tubas? What tubas?”
“Tuba 4's, tuba 6's, tuba 8's…” He repositions the stethoscope to Allen’s head. “No, nothing up here. Say, why don't you come by my office next month? We're going to have a two for one sale on brain surgery and face transplants.”
“Never mind that! What are you going to do about my thumb?”
“What about your thumb?”
“Aren't you going to give it any treatment?”
“Of course I am. But you don't just rush into these things. You have to make sure you have the proper approach. And fortunately for you, I learned the right approach at Johns Hopkins University.” He lowers the surgical mask and kisses the thumb. “There now. Isn't that all better?”
“No! That's made it worse. You didn't sterilize your lips first and now it's probably all infected!”
“Humph!”
“Now go ahead and treat the thumb properly.”
“Very well. I hadn't wanted to do this, but this calls for radical treatment. Nurse, we are going to have to decapitate his thumb. Give me the buzz saw.”
The nurse was confused by that. “Decapitate? But that means cut off his head.”
“It does? Oh yeah. Though come to think of it, that might not be a bad solution.”
Allen got indignant. “How can cutting off my head cure the pain in my thumb?”
The doctor waved it off as so obvious. “Simple. The nerve ends in the thumb send the pain through the spine to the brain. The brain then processes the information sent, and you feel this as pain. Remove the brain and you don't feel the pain.”
“Or anything else! Cut off the head and I'm dead!”
The doctor wasn’t worried by that. “Well, there can be one or two of these little side effects.”
“Death is a little side effect? What do you consider a big side effect?”
“What a nit picker you are. Well, I meant castrate. We'll castrate his thumb.”
The nurse shook her head. “But castrate means to remove his sex organs.”
“It does? Maybe that's a good idea. That way none of his potential children will be born with a bum thumb.”
Allen protested. “Sore thumbs aren't genetic. Stop beating around the bush, and treat my thumb!”
The nurse was thoughtful. “I think the word you are looking for is amputate.”
The doctor agreed. “So I am, so I am. Now give me the battery powered buzz saw, nurse. Now hold still.“
The doctor and Allen struggle, duck, bob and weave. Allen complained. “Hey, you can't just amputate it like that!”
The doctor turned the saw off. “You're right. Nurse, give him the anesthesia.” The nurse reached into the doctor’s bag and pulled out a big hammer. She then started sneaking up behind him. When she started to swing, he reached up and grabbed the hammer.
“No! That's not what I meant. Surely there must be a better way to treat it.”
“But surely this is the best way to treat it. Just a few passes with the saw, and bingo! That thumb will never cause you pain again.”
“But I need my thumb.”
“It's not like a brain, or a heart. You can live without it.”
“Perhaps so, but I can live even better with it.”
“But it's out of order. It isn't working right. It throws your hand out of balance, and makes that whole arm useless. And all that pain and suffering is throwing your whole body out of whack. For the good of the body, you must get rid of that thumb.”
“Look, the body is a unified whole. If I go around chopping off parts that aren't perfect in every way, it won't be much of a body. Should I rip out my eyes if they start to get near sighted? Cut off my nose if it starts to drip? Cut off my head if I get a headache? No. Instead I take care of them, thus bringing my whole body into shape. Parts may not be perfect, but it's no reason to destroy them in a search for absolute perfection when it's possible to fix them.”
The doctor sighed, and put away the saw. “OK. but I'm warning you. This is going to hurt. Curing this thing is going to take a long time. And it may not be possible to return it to 100% of it's old usage.” He takes out bandages and starts to wrap it.
“Keeping the body intact is worth the bother, even if it doesn't get back to 100%.”
