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A Letter I wrote to my Husband... advise

this is explaining all I have been through with this man.. please advise on what I can do..... this is a letter I wrote to him..........

Where can I start from, I guess from the beginning and from my pain and hurt. When I look back I keep asking myself where did I go wrong but I guess the reality of life is marriage is something you cannot plan because it comes with its ups and downs but knowing how to deal with issues is what makes you able to fair the weather together. We had our issue on the 17<SUP>th</SUP> of September 2008 and today it is the 3<SUP>rd</SUP> of February 2009 and we have still not resolved it and sincerely from my heart I know I crossed the line and I did apologize and actually begged you with everything I had and the only way I could. I drove down to the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on">Bronx</st1:place> twice and I begged, knocked on your door but you did not answer and even with you in the house. I sent numerous emails to you, even pictures of Our daughter, I begged with all I had. I drove to <st1:place w:st="on">Rutgers</st1:place> and I did not even know which class you were in but I went from class to class and found you and I knelt down in there and begged you but you still did not listen.
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You came to take your exams, and guess what I drove down there and begged you to please forgive me and this is all in November. I took everything, and kept on believing that you would accept my apologies. I kept on calling you, cried and pleaded with you, even my family, your family, everyone begged you but you still won’t accept. I called your friends, told the pastor that married us, everyone pleaded with you but you still have said no. I still think of what I did but I know it is not that I cheated on you, was rude to your family, held a knife to your neck but we had a general misunderstanding.
I have taken care of Our daughter with all I have, even when I could not afford something’s for her, I went without just for her to have but guess what you were not there. I have paid all her medical bills, baby sitter even when it was so tough for me but guess what you were not there but I provided for her. I have gone some days not to buy food for myself because she needed milk, diapers at the same time.
Marriage comes with a lot of issues but if you have refused to be there when things are bad, even when there was so much pain that we could share together. You have not even tried to reach out to us, we your family. You have refused to accept my apologizes. I have taken everything and God sees my heart and I know I was a good woman to you. I cooked, cleaned, washed your clothes, took care of Our daughter and all I was asking for was for you to help me out. I was frustrated due to all what I was going through. I kept on asking for your help but you would tell me that you did not have any money to give me, and to think you had over 20,000 in your account but could not help out with your daughter’s upkeep.
Your mum came here and she was with me for 3 months, I took care of her more than I actually have taken care of my mum. I cooked, cleaned and washed her clothes. I gave her money, I took her shopping, bought things for your family and when she was leaving I bought her a cell phone from Our daughter as a thank you note. What else could a wife and a daughter-in-law do. I know that I have done all I can, you have made me feel so down that sometimes I feel like a failure. I have cried my eyes out every night but you were never there, instead you have told me I cried “crocodile tears”. But guess what it is well and I have accepted my cross. I have accepted all my pain and I have realized that you can never be there for me, you cannot look me in the eye and tell me it is well. You cannot hold my hand and accept me as I am. I accepted you as you were.

When I met you and you told me about your illness, guess what that was the last thing on my mind, I accepted you and loved you because that was not who I was marrying but I was marrying you as a person and fell I love with you. I know we all have our negatives but I accepted your but you refused to accept mine and me as an individual.
You have said so many things about me to your family that I wonder who can ever repay me back for my good deeds towards your family but guess what – only God can. About the check, you said I held on to it but guess what God knows and I would not even try to explain that. All in all, marriage does not come with pain, it brings with it joy, happiness, care and all the lovely things that God said it comes with. God said a lot about Marriage in the bible and sincerely even I myself started understanding most of these but one big thing God said is “husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church” Eph 5:25 but I guess it is something that it mostly over looked. Do not get me wrong, I also as a woman know it says be “submissive to your husbands” but for me I fell short of this due to my frustrations for not getting anything in return from you.
Even after having Our daughter, all I asked for was a birthday card, but nothing from you. Even during Christmas, our first anniversary, I called you but hey guess what, you did not answer because guess what it is not worth it.
When I think back and think of all my pain, it is well with me and I am happy because guess what God gave me a gift that passes anyone’s understanding. Our daughter is a gift from God and I know she is very special, I will never leave her the way you have to both of us and I would continue to be a mom to her. I will give her what I can afford. I could go on and on about my pain but I have laid it to rest because it is just enough because it has affected my health and also my job and guess what if I lose my job you would never help us out, you would not provide for us, so I have to think of being there for Our daughter. My health you wouldn’t help me, you won’t be there to hold my hand.
I know you keep blaming me for all that’s happening but take a look at the mirror and look at what you see, you see yourself and sincerely that’s all you have seen through out the couple of months we have been together. It has been you, about you and about only you. For you to make me go through all my pain and not be there for me – you never saw me there. Even Our daughter – you do not know her. She is 8 months now and how much have you even tried to reach out to her, even her mum. Sincerely I know you would take this letter in another way and angle but guess what it is well with my soul, I am happy and I have checked myself, I apologized to you, I begged, I pleaded, what else can one do – guess leave everything in the hands of God.
I called you this morning because I was hoping to hear what would prompt me to write this letter, and you gave me all the answers that I needed to hear, all you said is you have been busy and had to take care of the things you went to do back home but guess what – you did not deem it fit to call your family, but you said hey you have been busy. What I understand about family – you can never be too busy to call your family, never too busy to provide for them, care about them, its not only money that means caring, reaching out is caring, saying it is well is caring, checking on people is caring. I could go on and on but the pain is too much for me to even start to envisage. You see me as evil, as someone that does not want what is good for you, you see me as the worst person on earth and you see me as your enemy and sincerely you have gone to the extent of saying “I want to bring you down”. The height of the pain you have caused me is you have made me second guess who I am and my morals. I have taught of the worst of myself, I have thought of me being someone that does not deserve anything but guess what I deserve the world and I know God has taken care of that for me. I have Our daughter – that’s my joy and all I have to live for.
For you to have allowed me to go through all what I have been through and you have stood your grounds – then it is well by me and ok. Anything you decide to do, it is ok by me because I have reached that point of it is ok and I agree with you. You have embarrassed me so much that the only ting is for you to tell the whole, well which you have because you went ahead on Facebook that you were married but it is complicated, you even removed my name as your wife but guess what I helped you to reduce the pain by also removing your name from mine. I would never use face book as a means to hurt anyone but if that’s what works for you – it is well. All in all, I have told you my mind and all the pain you have caused me, no one should ever go through this. God forgives those that even murder, so why is it an issue for man to forgive but hey that’s something that I cannot explain but like I said it is well I have accepted my pain and have come to realize the inevitable, so what ever works for you, it is fine by me but please all in all, take care of Our daughter because she is a baby and never begged to be born, we asked God for her and He answered.
This is all I have to say and I have attached another document which is what I thought the role of the husband was. I have done a lot of reading on my own, about marriage, anger and the role of a wife. You can also do some of this.
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wow girl . . .thats a first for me . . .Goodness . . .Im glad you got it ALL out!

It would have poisened your heart and it would have killed you keeping it all inside. . .

I cant really answer to your letter yet, this was HUGE . . .
but I do want you to know your not alone, so at least this first thought as a welcoming reply:

Take a deep breath . . .and look forward into a future with your sweet baby-girl :love:
Thanks so much

I appreciate the response. I know the letter is long but its my heart that I poured out and had to let it go. Thanks so much.
Jesus heals the broken things making them beautiful again.

Thats a good statement Boanerges. . .I just read an article about the "Broken-Heart-Syndrom" . . .

Its true what you say: Jesus heals the broken "things"!


You call yourself freeofpain, but are you FREE of pain by what you wrote?

Are you able to take your pain in this letter to Jesus feet and let Him take over?

Its the hardest we can do, but yet the only way to heal . . .Let Him have ALL our broken parts .. .He will make it beautiful again =)

Where are you standing in life at the moment .. faith, age, job, family?

Where is your beginning . . .where is your strategy for the future?

Where are your priorities, what are your goals?

Can you see clearly whats going on in your life right now or are you a twirly bird in the tornado. . .no ground under your feet anymore?

How are you really?
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