Another of my plays from the 70's.
100%
One fine day many long years ago, as the sun shined down, a scholar, Philip Ossipher, came to where the road ran into the Dagonlong River. Since he couldn‘t go on, he stopped. “It appears that to complete my perengrations I needs must find a perspicacious methodology of crossing this alluvial obstacle. I do not spy a bridge. (He spotted a rowboat large enough to hold half a dozen, and a sign; ‘ferry’) Ah. A ferry. I say, boatman. Boatman?”
“Zzzz.”
“WAKE UP, YOU'VE GOT A CUSTOMER!”
“Huh? Who? Oh. You need a lift, Mister?”
Philip proudly drew himself up, to give the best angle of viewing his scholar’s robes. “Behold, oh Charon of the living, I, Philip Ossifer, greatest thinker of the eon, verily a mentalic match for Duns Scottus, Avveroes or Occham himself, do indeed desire translocation to yonder converse embankment, thus requiring the transposition of said self same's corporeal being via aqueous vehicular nautical maneuver. Profess forth the fiscal remunerative impetrated?”
Unfortunately, this just confused the simple ferryman. “Whazzat? Gee, I'm sorry Mister, but I don't speak any German.”
Philip muttered to himself. But loud enough that the ferryman could hear, even if he didn‘t understand it. “Confusticate and bebother these inferior intelligences. (sigh) How much do you charge to row people across the river?”
The ferryman was happy. “Oh, you do speak English. I charge 2 bits.”
“2 Bits of what?”
“A quarter. 25 cents.”
“Ah. Here you are.”
“O.K. Hop in and grab a seat.”
“How quaint.”
“Here we go.” The ferryman untied the boat and started rowing.
After a few moments of disorientation, the scholar calmed down. “Ah yes, the gentle rocking motion as we proceed is rather soothing isn't it?”
“Yes, I've always thought it was.”
“And such a lovely view of the igneous, metamorphic and sedimentary strata. Surely you must have learned much from the geomorphological subcutaneous exposition.”
“Huh?”
“I said you must have learned a lot from studying the strata as you row past.”
“Huh?”
“Didn't you ever notice the rock formations?”
“Oh, rocks. Yeah, I guess they are rather pretty, growing in layers like that.”
“Do you mean to inform me that you have never studied geology?”
“Gee-what-a-gee?”
“Geology. The study of the earth and it's foundations.”
“No. But I do know that in the book of Job God asks Job, ‘Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements? Surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? To what were its foundations fastened? Or
who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy‘?"
“How poetic. In other words, you haven't actually studied geology itself, have you?”
“Well, no.”
“Humph. To never have studied geology is to have wasted 25% of your life.
“Oh. Well, if you say so.
Three minutes went by, with the scholar calmly watching things. “You know, boatman, I have been watching you as you row.”
“Yes?”
“I notice that you are not using the correct angle of attack toward the water.”
That was confusing. “Why would I attack the water? It's never insulted me.”
“I don't mean attack in that fashion. I mean that you can improve the way you hold your oars for optimum efficiency.”
The confusion grew. “But I'm not doing any fishing.”
Philip’s jaw dropped. “Not fishing, efficiency. Look, if you change the angle of the oars as you move them to a less acute angle, there will be an increase of .2% in the erg expenditure versus motivational ratio.”
The ferryman paused to think about that. “.2%? Lets see... that's a... isn't that less than 1%?”
Philip admitted it. “Indeed. However, the cumulative savings of expenditure will result in a net increase in speed (when applied to a 3 degree tangent of our present course) when spread over 16,108 trips will allow you to arrive on the other side before you are scheduled to leave the dock.”
“Huh?”
Philip looked at him distrustfully. “Didn't you study mathematics, algebra, trigonometry or geometry?”
“Huh?”
“Numbers. Arithmetic.”
“Not really. Though I do know that Jesus said that God has every hair on my head counted. Which is probably easier for Him to count each year, since I'm starting to go bald. And Jesus once fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fishes, and had 12 baskets of leftovers.
Philip sighed. “In other words, you have never studied mathematics, the Queen of the sciences, have you?”
“No, I guess not.”
Philip pronounced his verdict. “Anyone who hasn't studied mathematics has wasted 50% of his life.”
The boatman was embarrassed. “We-ell…”
But then Philip chuckled. “In fact, boatman, I'll wager you have no idea how fast we are moving.”
“Oh? Well lets see. The river is one mile wide, and it takes me one half hour to row across it, so... uh... one mile an hour?”
Philip crossed his arms triumphantly. “No. 16,108 miles a second.”
The boatman paused for a heart beat, and then screamed in fear. “Arrgh! Battle Stations! Throw out the anchor! Slam on the brakes! Sound the alarm! Waahh!”
Philip was totally boggled. “What in the world are you doing?”
“If we hit the shore at that speed we'll be smashed to splinters!”
“No we won't. Now calm down.”
“You sure?”
“Of course. All I meant was that you're rowing this boat at 1 a mile per hour, but the river is spinning around the earth as it whirls on its axis at 1,000 miles per hour, and the earth circles the sun at 179.4 miles per minute while the sun orbits the galaxy in the general direction of Beta Pegasi at 280 miles per day, and that if you add in the speed the Milky Way moves through the galactic cluster you will arrive at a relativistic motion that is a mere snail's pace compared to the speed that my explanation goes in your left ear and out your right one without hitting your brain along the way. Haven't you ever studied relativistic astrophysics.”
“Studied it? I can't even spell it.”
“It's the motion of the stars and planets through space.”
“Oh. Well. The only thing I know about that is that in Genesis 1 it says: ‘And God said “Let bright lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night. They will be signs to mark off the seasons, the days, and the years.” And so it was. For God made two great lights, the sun and the moon, to shine down upon the earth. The greater one, the sun presides during the day, the lesser one, the moon, presides through the night. He also made the stars. God set these lights in the heavens to light the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. This all happened on the fourth day.’ And Psalm 147 ‘He counts the number of the stars, He calls them all by name‘."
Philip shook his head sadly. “So you know nothing of physics or astronomy.” He pontificated. “One who has never studied astronomy or physics has wasted 75% of his life.”
The boatman hung his head, and started rowing again. But it wasn’t long before Philip broke the silence again. “By the by boatman, why have we started to bounce up and down and jerk from side to side like this?”
“That's because there is a big old storm coming up.”
Phillip didn’t like that. “Why is that making us bounce?”
“Because the wind is making waves.”
“How unpleasant.”
However, a few seconds later, Philip sounded happier. “Say, I didn't know your boat had a water fountain in it. How convenient.”
The boatman was confused. “What are you talking about? It doesn't have a... Yikes! That's a leak. You're going to have to bail or we will sink.”
Philip was affronted. “Bail? But I committed no crime. Why should I post bail?”
“Not that kind of bail. You take that bucket and use it to throw water over the side.”
“Side of what?”
“Over the side of the boat into the river.”
“Oh. Left side or right side?”
“Either side!”
“Oh dear, I do believe precipitation has commenced.”
“Not only that, but it's started raining, too!”
Therein followed a few hectic minutes, with the boatman rowing faster and Philip bailing. “I do hate to complain, boatman. But it appears that the water is filling the boat faster than I can bail it out.
“Then we are going to have to swim for shore. Fortunately, it's only another hundred yards to the river bank.”
“Swim?”
“Swim. You do know how to swim don't you?”
“Well, no. I never actually learned how.”
“Then I'd say that anyone who never studied how to swim has wasted 100% of his life.”
“But, but, but, you can't just leave me here! I'll drown!”
“Luckily for you, the one ology I studied is theology, as taught in the Bible. So yes, I will pull you to shore.”
100%
One fine day many long years ago, as the sun shined down, a scholar, Philip Ossipher, came to where the road ran into the Dagonlong River. Since he couldn‘t go on, he stopped. “It appears that to complete my perengrations I needs must find a perspicacious methodology of crossing this alluvial obstacle. I do not spy a bridge. (He spotted a rowboat large enough to hold half a dozen, and a sign; ‘ferry’) Ah. A ferry. I say, boatman. Boatman?”
“Zzzz.”
“WAKE UP, YOU'VE GOT A CUSTOMER!”
“Huh? Who? Oh. You need a lift, Mister?”
Philip proudly drew himself up, to give the best angle of viewing his scholar’s robes. “Behold, oh Charon of the living, I, Philip Ossifer, greatest thinker of the eon, verily a mentalic match for Duns Scottus, Avveroes or Occham himself, do indeed desire translocation to yonder converse embankment, thus requiring the transposition of said self same's corporeal being via aqueous vehicular nautical maneuver. Profess forth the fiscal remunerative impetrated?”
Unfortunately, this just confused the simple ferryman. “Whazzat? Gee, I'm sorry Mister, but I don't speak any German.”
Philip muttered to himself. But loud enough that the ferryman could hear, even if he didn‘t understand it. “Confusticate and bebother these inferior intelligences. (sigh) How much do you charge to row people across the river?”
The ferryman was happy. “Oh, you do speak English. I charge 2 bits.”
“2 Bits of what?”
“A quarter. 25 cents.”
“Ah. Here you are.”
“O.K. Hop in and grab a seat.”
“How quaint.”
“Here we go.” The ferryman untied the boat and started rowing.
After a few moments of disorientation, the scholar calmed down. “Ah yes, the gentle rocking motion as we proceed is rather soothing isn't it?”
“Yes, I've always thought it was.”
“And such a lovely view of the igneous, metamorphic and sedimentary strata. Surely you must have learned much from the geomorphological subcutaneous exposition.”
“Huh?”
“I said you must have learned a lot from studying the strata as you row past.”
“Huh?”
“Didn't you ever notice the rock formations?”
“Oh, rocks. Yeah, I guess they are rather pretty, growing in layers like that.”
“Do you mean to inform me that you have never studied geology?”
“Gee-what-a-gee?”
“Geology. The study of the earth and it's foundations.”
“No. But I do know that in the book of Job God asks Job, ‘Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements? Surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? To what were its foundations fastened? Or
who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy‘?"
“How poetic. In other words, you haven't actually studied geology itself, have you?”
“Well, no.”
“Humph. To never have studied geology is to have wasted 25% of your life.
“Oh. Well, if you say so.
Three minutes went by, with the scholar calmly watching things. “You know, boatman, I have been watching you as you row.”
“Yes?”
“I notice that you are not using the correct angle of attack toward the water.”
That was confusing. “Why would I attack the water? It's never insulted me.”
“I don't mean attack in that fashion. I mean that you can improve the way you hold your oars for optimum efficiency.”
The confusion grew. “But I'm not doing any fishing.”
Philip’s jaw dropped. “Not fishing, efficiency. Look, if you change the angle of the oars as you move them to a less acute angle, there will be an increase of .2% in the erg expenditure versus motivational ratio.”
The ferryman paused to think about that. “.2%? Lets see... that's a... isn't that less than 1%?”
Philip admitted it. “Indeed. However, the cumulative savings of expenditure will result in a net increase in speed (when applied to a 3 degree tangent of our present course) when spread over 16,108 trips will allow you to arrive on the other side before you are scheduled to leave the dock.”
“Huh?”
Philip looked at him distrustfully. “Didn't you study mathematics, algebra, trigonometry or geometry?”
“Huh?”
“Numbers. Arithmetic.”
“Not really. Though I do know that Jesus said that God has every hair on my head counted. Which is probably easier for Him to count each year, since I'm starting to go bald. And Jesus once fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fishes, and had 12 baskets of leftovers.
Philip sighed. “In other words, you have never studied mathematics, the Queen of the sciences, have you?”
“No, I guess not.”
Philip pronounced his verdict. “Anyone who hasn't studied mathematics has wasted 50% of his life.”
The boatman was embarrassed. “We-ell…”
But then Philip chuckled. “In fact, boatman, I'll wager you have no idea how fast we are moving.”
“Oh? Well lets see. The river is one mile wide, and it takes me one half hour to row across it, so... uh... one mile an hour?”
Philip crossed his arms triumphantly. “No. 16,108 miles a second.”
The boatman paused for a heart beat, and then screamed in fear. “Arrgh! Battle Stations! Throw out the anchor! Slam on the brakes! Sound the alarm! Waahh!”
Philip was totally boggled. “What in the world are you doing?”
“If we hit the shore at that speed we'll be smashed to splinters!”
“No we won't. Now calm down.”
“You sure?”
“Of course. All I meant was that you're rowing this boat at 1 a mile per hour, but the river is spinning around the earth as it whirls on its axis at 1,000 miles per hour, and the earth circles the sun at 179.4 miles per minute while the sun orbits the galaxy in the general direction of Beta Pegasi at 280 miles per day, and that if you add in the speed the Milky Way moves through the galactic cluster you will arrive at a relativistic motion that is a mere snail's pace compared to the speed that my explanation goes in your left ear and out your right one without hitting your brain along the way. Haven't you ever studied relativistic astrophysics.”
“Studied it? I can't even spell it.”
“It's the motion of the stars and planets through space.”
“Oh. Well. The only thing I know about that is that in Genesis 1 it says: ‘And God said “Let bright lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night. They will be signs to mark off the seasons, the days, and the years.” And so it was. For God made two great lights, the sun and the moon, to shine down upon the earth. The greater one, the sun presides during the day, the lesser one, the moon, presides through the night. He also made the stars. God set these lights in the heavens to light the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. This all happened on the fourth day.’ And Psalm 147 ‘He counts the number of the stars, He calls them all by name‘."
Philip shook his head sadly. “So you know nothing of physics or astronomy.” He pontificated. “One who has never studied astronomy or physics has wasted 75% of his life.”
The boatman hung his head, and started rowing again. But it wasn’t long before Philip broke the silence again. “By the by boatman, why have we started to bounce up and down and jerk from side to side like this?”
“That's because there is a big old storm coming up.”
Phillip didn’t like that. “Why is that making us bounce?”
“Because the wind is making waves.”
“How unpleasant.”
However, a few seconds later, Philip sounded happier. “Say, I didn't know your boat had a water fountain in it. How convenient.”
The boatman was confused. “What are you talking about? It doesn't have a... Yikes! That's a leak. You're going to have to bail or we will sink.”
Philip was affronted. “Bail? But I committed no crime. Why should I post bail?”
“Not that kind of bail. You take that bucket and use it to throw water over the side.”
“Side of what?”
“Over the side of the boat into the river.”
“Oh. Left side or right side?”
“Either side!”
“Oh dear, I do believe precipitation has commenced.”
“Not only that, but it's started raining, too!”
Therein followed a few hectic minutes, with the boatman rowing faster and Philip bailing. “I do hate to complain, boatman. But it appears that the water is filling the boat faster than I can bail it out.
“Then we are going to have to swim for shore. Fortunately, it's only another hundred yards to the river bank.”
“Swim?”
“Swim. You do know how to swim don't you?”
“Well, no. I never actually learned how.”
“Then I'd say that anyone who never studied how to swim has wasted 100% of his life.”
“But, but, but, you can't just leave me here! I'll drown!”
“Luckily for you, the one ology I studied is theology, as taught in the Bible. So yes, I will pull you to shore.”
