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‘Twas The Night Before Christmas (The Politically Correct Version)

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‘Twas The Night Before Christmas

(The Politically Correct Version)

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to 'Elves'

'Vertically Challenged' they were calling themselves

And labour conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer

So Dancer and Donner, and Comet and Cupid

Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that

looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E P A

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops

Second hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite


His fur trimmed red suit was called 'Unenlightened'

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation

Demanding millions in overdue compensation

So, half of the reindeer were gone and his wife

Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life

Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz

Demanding from now on her title was Ms

And as for the gifts why, he'd ne'er had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her

Nothing that might be construed to pollute

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise

Nothing for just girls. Or just for boys

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific

No candy or sweets. they were bad for the tooth

Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was ecological

No baseball, no football. someone could get hurt;

Besides; playing sports exposed kids to dirt

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay

But you've got to be careful with that word today

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue

Everyone, everywhere. even you

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth.

'May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth'

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