Wittywriter:)
Member
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2018
- Messages
- 31
My honest testimony of being a teen with Borderline disorder:
Where to start? I was born in Toronto in 1983 and taken by CAS at about 3 months old. The details surrounding this are sketchy for me but basically my mother got arrested and she got my aunt to watch me who then gave me to a lady she met on the street. I had a very bad cough and the lady took me to the hospital who called CAS because apparently I had bruises.
I spent 10 months in foster care and was then adopted. I had psycological problems from the start and would destroy and rip everything apart. I think its because I never had normal bonding or was traumatised or fetal alcohol effects. I spent my youth very bullied (the kids would call me butt chin and squeeze their chin together because I have a deep chin dimple) and I would usually just walk around by myself all recess watching the other kids play.
One day the neighborhood kids were all sitting in a circle on the front lawn shared with the neighbor who has kids. I went outside and sat with them because I wanted to play too. I learned they were going to play red rover. But the girl said I can't play because I'd always have to be the dog. I went inside and started crying.
At 11, I was taken to a child psychologist named Pat Wynn because I became so reclusive and stopped wanting to even eat. I would just listen to my Micheal Jackson tapes over and over on my walkman with my face buried in the couch. I developed an unhealthy obsession with my adoptive dad's horror movies like The Good Son and Scream I was watching very violent movies like Toy Soldiers and Seven. There was like this drawer of vhs tapes and I'd sit and watch them.
I started cutting myself at 14 and smoking weed and cigarettes. I got sent to a psychiatric ward the summer after grade 9 and would never live with my adoptive parents again. I got passed through such facilities as Youthdale, Whitby psyc, Thistletown in Etobicoke and Crossroads run by Kinark. In the hospitals I was frequently left alone in restraints tying me to a bed and given so many drugs my personality was gone. If I made them mad they would inject me with a drug called Nosinam.
In the Whitby hospital I got to try a Nintendo 64 for the first time which was cool. My favorite game was Wave Race. I remember two boys named Richard from this time. One was a teen in Whitby and he'd make grunting noises every night and one night I just yelled shut up! I was 14. He was in my room like a flash screaming at me and he pulled me out of bed by my hair. He tore a handful out and the nurses heard the commontion and came and got him off me. They put the hsndful of hair into a baggie for my adoptive parents. The other Richard i remember was in the etobicoke group home. We ran away together. I had turned 15 in this home. We took the subway to a mall and richard set one of those cardboard lotto ticket displays on fire. I remember getting chased out by security. We wound up calling the group home to come get us.
While I was in the next group home in Newmarket I began running away all the time to live on the street. I was extremely naive and I approached a man on main street and asked if he knew where street kids sleep. He was probably in his 40s bald on top with long hair down the sides. He told me he did and he led me under the bridge by Fairy lake. Suddenly he was behind me grabbing me all over and he kept saying in my ear, dont you want to play? I just kept saying no, no I was in shock. Then it ended as fast as it began he just said he had to work in the morning and he left me there. I walked back to my group home and kept seeing bright colors as I was walking.
I remember I'd run away with a boy named Mike and we'd go to this abandonded building. The local kids told us a guy had hung himself in there but we didnt believe them. The main floor was dirt and then upstairs there was a couch snd old barber chair. The piping had a concave under it in the dirt where apparently they removed the guys body. Mike started hanging off the piping like doing monkey bars and I started jumping up and down in the concave. Then we went upstairs and Mike sat on the couch and i was standing talking to him. Suddenly the room felt cold and we heard banging on the walls around us going bang, bang, bang, then I felt a hand on my shoulder like pressing in. I could feel the fingers but I looked there was nothing there. I felt the hand reach down into me and it felt like it clenched something insude me then i felt something else rise up through me and literally start shoving it up and out. I know this sounds crazy but it was like what I experienced.
I've been really in love only once in my life to a man and he nearly beat me to death. I was 16 and had grown accustomed to living on the street while I was 15 running away from my group home and living in stairwells and under the bridge and abandoned buildings. Or sometimes Id just walk alone all night listening to Green Day. My adoptive parents had bought me all their cds before I got sent to the mental hospital in Whitby at 14 for cutting. My adoptive dad told me at some point while I was 16 that they would move away and I'd never be able to find them, they'd leave the province he said, so i was having trouble in those relationships. I was on and off the psyc ward all the time there was a locked side and an unlocked side that I alternated between.
My favorite patient I met on the ward would play guitar and sing me Beatles songs like Lucy in the Sky, while we sat and smoked ciggs together. Another guy I met there named Daniel who thought he was a wizard introduced me to Andrew McDonald. He was a 25 year old from Kewsick. He was very handsome with big brown eyes and muscular. He was building a shack in the Fairy lake woods in Newmarket using materials he stole from the municipal building being built. I got my stuff from the group home and moved into the shack with him.
I had just thrown myself off the group home 2nd story roof prior to this and been in hospital for a week, I was very mentally ill. I had wanted the attention of a staff named Jim but he was busy with another kid so for some reason I can no longer understand I decided to climb the fire escape stairs and jump. Jim came up after me and said that I'm not going to do it so I ran by him, he tried to grab me but he missed snd I just jumped. I hit the ground hard and then a bunch of kids came outside and were standing around me. The ambulance came and the fire department and they were discussing how how the roof was and the man said he thought about 20 feet. They put me on a board and at the hospital it was found I had fractured the L4 in my timberspine so I was given a walker. I didn't like using the walker so I would just carry it beside me and I made the nurses so mad. One told me I'd be in a wheelchair by the time I was 30 and my adoptive dad said at one point he didn't think I'd live to see 20.
I taped my Korn cut out posters from Hit Parade Magazine onto the wood ceiling. He went to the food bank and loaded the shack with cans of food. He told me we were going to go butt collecting and I had no idea what he meant. Then he took me to the Tannery mall and we collected cigarette butts from the ashtrays and brought them back. We'd walk along the train tracks, hed take his tshirt off and tie it on his head like a bandana. He showed me to remove the tobacco and roll it into a zig zag rolling paper. Daniel had gotten us to watch his dog in the shack and the dog attacked Andrew biting his arm badly. Andrew told me about how when he was in grade school he told the teacher he wanted a chair to do a slam dunk and he took it and hit another kid with it who was bullying him. He got arrested for a warrant and was in jail for about a month during which i lived in the shack alone.
One time we were walking down main street and this huge biker dude came out and grabbed Andrew, pulling him into the tattoo parlor. I went in after him. He punched Andrew in the face very hard and began dragging him to the back room. I leapt onto the biker grabbing onto his shirt and he was so shocked he let go of Andrew who ran out the door. The biker stared at me with blue eyes and told me get out of here or I'll kill you too bi***. So I took Andrew to an abandonded building I knew about I'd been staying in at 15 with other kids. Then in the night I wanted to leave because I kept hearing a male voice saying, hey you, to me while Andrew was sleeping. So we left with Andrew yelling at whatever upset me. We snuck into the basement of a senior home called Marianne house to sleep but got caught by a nun. She said I could stay but Andrew had to go so I said no and we left.
Andrew and I walked to North York and began living on the street there. In winter we lived in bank machine entrances and abandonded houses. In the summer we lived under the train bridge near Yonge and Steeles. The first time Andrew hit me was when we were huffing glue in an alley and I wouldn't share the bag. My head exploded into red and it took me a few moments to figure out he had hit me. We got an apartment from a youth worker in Bradford above the thrift store and he got a job at the lube place. I would ride my bike to bring him his lunch and the other guys would tease him because of the weird stuff I'd bring.
People would call the police up to the apartment because they would hear me screaming from the street he'd beat me so bad. The officer told me during one of those calls that one of these days they'd take me out of there in a body bag. I remember Andrew smashing every dish in the kitchen. He took a stereo apart and cut the cord then separated the wires and plugged it in touching the bare wires to the circuits which made them explode. He showed me to bend a wire coat hanger and put it on the burner to make toast. I recall a nightmare i had where andrew was sitting on a chair and in my dream he told me theres something under the chair and i knelt sown to look and whatever i saw made me scream so loud i woke myself and him up. He thought someone had broke in.
One night Andrew brought home a baggie of coc**** and we walked around all night doing lines. If the baggie ran out he'd get another. He kept talking and talking. We'd climb out the window and sit on the roof and drink at the apartment we had. Some of his friends came over and for some reason he beat this one man named Raymond so severely until the other guys said he'd had enough.
Then we starting living on the street again we took the bus back to north york and we sat in the back and Andrew held my hand. I remember i liked looking at his ring. We made friends with another homeless couple named Brian and Donna and we were living behind an arena all together that was infested with ear wigs. We'd buy bottles of cheap beer like colt 45 or old english and Andrew would always pour a bit out and say, for the boys that don't have. Brian was on odsp and he'd get $500 as a homeless person. He used it to take a cab to his dealer and get cra** which we smoked together under an overpass.
We'd go to the church and get vouchers for a free breakfast at a local diner and I'd go down to the bathroom and wash up. Andrew kept amethyst stones in his duffelbag and when the moon was full he'd put them in the moonlight. They were his favorite thing. I got kicked out of Centerpoint mall for panhandling. I was always panhandling at Finch station. One time I'd gotten alot of change and a man said he'd sell me weed but I was too stupid to know what it looked like so I bought a baggie of bush clippings. Andrew was so mad trying to find him. There was another older man who'd sit in front of the escalator and he was always threatening to kidnap me and so Andrew was always making threatening gestures to him.
One time in the winter I got so sick when we were living in abandonded houses i remember we went to the store to try and get some medicine and i had to go back outside because I was hacking couching so much and the man gave Andrew a bottle of Buckleys and I was drinking big gulps of it trying to get better. The winter was harsh and i developed deep lines in my feet from them always being wet. The street outreach van woupd pull up behind finch station and give out supplies. We'd also go to the out of the cold program and once they wanted to do a survey and we got paid $20 each to be in it.
Andrew would push me around in a shopping cart sometimes and that was my happiest times with him. He loved Irish cream coffee and we'd get them at Finch station. We'd also use the change I collected to buy hot dogs at the hot dog stand. We'd crawl in the clothing bins and throw the bags out to go through and get new jeans. Our favorite thing to wear was black dress pants that were cut off at the knees so the threads were hanging. One time we had just enough change and we got a loaf of bread a pack of bolgona and a bag of onion ring chips and made sandwiches, bologna and onion ring chip sandwiches lol.
The last night I ever saw Andrew was when he got drunk and nearly beat me to death in a park. He was sitting on top of me and just punching me and punching me in the face. He put his hand in my mouth trying to break my jaw. He was really hurting me and I saw in his eyes like he was gone. I heard in my mind the words clearly, Yell at him so I stared yelling at him to get away from me. And he did he got off me and walked away and I got up and ran out of the park. I went behind Centerpoint mall and the security brought me inside. The police took me to the overpass to go down and get my bag and then they took me to my adoptive parents house in Richmond hill. In the morning they called an ambulance because I was crying so much and I got put back in the psyc ward and placed in another group home called Heritage Lodge.
The group home after Andrew was run by a couple who said they are white witches. The group home manager had a white streak in her hair and would try to get me to read the Celestine prophecy and she take me to witchcraft stores and healers. But I wasn't into it. Her name was Julie also so they'd call me Little Julie. They would let me hang out in their personal living space which was against the rules. She took this photo of me sitting in the group home kitchen that is attached to this post.
I started dating a dealer on main street and hanging out at his friend's house getting high all the time. One of the fellow patients in the group home named Henrietta had a favorite chair and I'd sit in it just to make her mad. She come in and look at me and say thats my chair! Then leave in a huff. A man staying in the group home had me be lookout one night while he broke into the kitchen into the meds cupboard. He took all the bottles then we sat in the living room and he kept just giving me pills to take and I'd take them. I was very self destructive. He wound up riding his bike into a parked car after i was told and I don't remember anything after sitting in the chair and swallowing these cocktails of pills but apparently I came to breakfast in the morning and started spreading jam on my arm then face planted on the table.
I started running away from that group home all the time and staying in an abandonded house on mulock drive in Newmarket. Doug, the new bf who had the head injury began staying with me there. We had barricaded the bedroom door shut in the abandonded house with the remains of a french door closet panel. One day i guess someone saw us go in and called the cops and they started kicking the bedroom door in. Our barricade was good though and it took several tries but when they finally did it I yelled Whoo! Like Whoo you did it! But I scared the heck out of them I was lucky they didnt shoot me. We left then for awhile and I went to the coffee shop to bum a cigarette from the smoking section and then sat on top of a green box outside smoking.
I remember drinking vodka straight until I blacked out several times. One time I filled a take out cup with vodka and started drinking until I blacked out in a parking lot. I woke up to a cruiser and I got put in the drunk tank. Doug wanted to hitch hike to tobemory because his parents lived on manitoulin Island and he wanted to visit them so we started out hitchhiking. Doug was violent and he punched me in the head now and then. One time blood gushed from my mouth because he punched me in the side of the nose. We managed to hitchhike to Owen sound.
I remember I won $50 on a Nevada ticket and I used it to buy a pair of orange Modrobes pants that were my favorite. We'd take turns lifting a pant leg hitchhiking just joking around. In Owen sound we were at the soup kitchen and we met a couple named Rose and Julie. They offered to let us stay in their house. So we stayed there awhile. I don't remember much except they had the hellraiser movies I watched on vhs and the lady was really into Alanis morrisette so I listened to her cds.
One time Doug and Julie had gone out fishing and Rose wanted to get some old bottles out if the crawl space under the closet. This was a really really old house and the crawlspace went up to her waist. She lowered herself into it so she was standing inside and we both heard running feet loudly coming from the hole and running up the staircase and all around upstairs. I started yelling at her, get out! Get out! And she did and immediately it stopped. When Julie and Doug got back they didn't believe us.
After awhile staying there we moved on when we were staying in Collingwood we met a lady probably in her 40s and she was really kind. She let us stay with her. But I wound up disclosing to her that Doug was hitting me and she wanted to call the police so we had to leave. Doug was furious at me for telling her. We eventually went made it to tobemory and his sister took us to the ferry to manitoulin Island.
Doug had a nice visit and I git to try their atv but I cranked the throttle and Doug was running after me yelling. On the way back we were hitchhiking through Tiverton area and we got picked up by a guy in his 50s who asked us if we smoke hooch and that meant weed. So we started living in his house and Doug was working in his car lot. This pasted awhile. I had a Playstation at that house and I enjoyed playing racing games. We helped him do roofing on his car lot like replacing shingles.
At one point Doug smashed a lamp all over the pool table in the basement of Toms house and Tom came over when we were out and found it and he left an angry note on the dryer. Doug got mad that he had entered without permission so he called the police. After the officer came and left checking things out Doug went out to the payphone outside and I followed him. He called Tom and said, "Julie called the police I couldn't stop her." This upset me because it was solely his idea to call police and so I went inside the house and locked the front door and I was knelt on the dining room floor throwing my clothes into my backpack because I was going to leave.
Then I heard the sound of him kicking the front door in. Once he was in he came up to me and grabbed me and threw me to the floor. Then he kicked me in the head so hard everything went black for a moment then slowly went red. Then he kicked me again. The third time I finally got the sense to move my head away and he pulled my clothes off and made me sit there naked while he called me down. He told me my mom thinks I'm a pig I remember. He was drinking heavily then he stared scratching his wrist to make it bleed and eventually he passed out drunk. He had hidden my shoes but I found one in the dryer and I don't remember now where other shoe was but I got dressed and went out to payphone and called police. I had two black eyes really bad I do have a photo of it. Then police took him away and I got taken to shelter.
The guy Tom came to shelter to see me and because I literally didn't know anybody else I started staying with him in his car lot and he started making sexual advances at me and took advantage of me. Then my adoptive mom contacted an agency called operation child go home and I got brought back to Richmond hill in a van full of people. I wound up with Doug after meeting up with him again in Newmarket on Eagle St after awhile. I had whats called 'battered womens syndrome' very badly.
I did a pill od and I went to the hospital and told them I was suicidal. They put me in a room by myself that had a couch and I was to wait there to see a psychiatrist but seeing the glass picture on the wall I went over and punched it and I did a number on myself. My wrist and forearm was all black stitched after. Getting stitched up hurt more than doing it. Please if you're reading this don't ever feel like that's the answer. Jesus cares about you He actually does. Doug wound up getting me pregnant. While I was pregnant he shoved my face down into a sofa chair holding my arm up behind my back so it was nearly breaking. I ran out of the place I was like 6 months pregnant and he ran up behind me and shoved me down on the road so hard. Then pulled me back inside by my hair. I saw the ppl who lived above us watching from the window like it was a tv show. We were living in a rough area of Newmarket called the dog patch.
I was then in more shelters because I left him taking the baby with me because he would hold the baby above his head so I couldn't feed it and he was really scaring me. I called the police from the payphone outside the convience store and they took us to Sandgate Women's Shelter and then I was put in Rosalie Hall in Scarborough where they played baby bingo in the basement and I won a stuffed tiger for my baby.
I got emergency housing while in the shelter and it was there in my own apartment with my baby that I started wondering about the truth in life and I gave my life to Jesus after going to a used book store and I found a book called Theres a new world coming. I thought the title sounded interesting and it wound up being a Bible prophecy book that taught me about being born again. (Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 1 Corinthians 5:17)
Now I'm clean and I like to get good news cards to give out to people. This story is missing a tremendous amount of drug use such as abusing gravol pills to get so high I couldn't walk. Like it was real bad the shape I was in. I have a spot on my vein on my hand where the needle tattooed me because it was too hot. It's now a reminder as are these scars of how far I've come thanks to Jesus. I wrote a poem right after receiving Jesus:
BROKEN
I look at my wrists, I see the scars
I search my soul, I know my shame
I've been led by the blind and beaten down by sin
I should have died, but You wouldn't let them win
I see Your hands, the holes in Your palms
I know your glory has overcome all pain
I turn to You Lord, in my broken suffering
A love unimaginable, how can this be
In all my wretchedness, You reached out to save me
A soul so pure, my hero, Your truth
The word of God that whispered to my heart and set me free
As I tripped over trials, in this deathly darkness
I looked for the way
Your light opened my soul and my eyes lit up with hope
You showed me a path that I can now take
Thanks to Your selfless sacrifice
This sheep will never fade away
I toddle like a baby, into Your strong hands
I am Yours, You have made me new again
Paralized with tears, my repentance shakes my being
Then You kiss my tears away and I am no longer unclean
Thank you Father, my cross I'll bear
'Till the day I go home, when You shout from the sky
All Your sheep will run to You with a happy cry
And there I'll be, tucked safely under Your wing
As we fly away, this life will have seemed like a dream
I will never forget how You gave Yourself for me
I love you Lord Jesus
Where to start? I was born in Toronto in 1983 and taken by CAS at about 3 months old. The details surrounding this are sketchy for me but basically my mother got arrested and she got my aunt to watch me who then gave me to a lady she met on the street. I had a very bad cough and the lady took me to the hospital who called CAS because apparently I had bruises.
I spent 10 months in foster care and was then adopted. I had psycological problems from the start and would destroy and rip everything apart. I think its because I never had normal bonding or was traumatised or fetal alcohol effects. I spent my youth very bullied (the kids would call me butt chin and squeeze their chin together because I have a deep chin dimple) and I would usually just walk around by myself all recess watching the other kids play.
One day the neighborhood kids were all sitting in a circle on the front lawn shared with the neighbor who has kids. I went outside and sat with them because I wanted to play too. I learned they were going to play red rover. But the girl said I can't play because I'd always have to be the dog. I went inside and started crying.
At 11, I was taken to a child psychologist named Pat Wynn because I became so reclusive and stopped wanting to even eat. I would just listen to my Micheal Jackson tapes over and over on my walkman with my face buried in the couch. I developed an unhealthy obsession with my adoptive dad's horror movies like The Good Son and Scream I was watching very violent movies like Toy Soldiers and Seven. There was like this drawer of vhs tapes and I'd sit and watch them.
I started cutting myself at 14 and smoking weed and cigarettes. I got sent to a psychiatric ward the summer after grade 9 and would never live with my adoptive parents again. I got passed through such facilities as Youthdale, Whitby psyc, Thistletown in Etobicoke and Crossroads run by Kinark. In the hospitals I was frequently left alone in restraints tying me to a bed and given so many drugs my personality was gone. If I made them mad they would inject me with a drug called Nosinam.
In the Whitby hospital I got to try a Nintendo 64 for the first time which was cool. My favorite game was Wave Race. I remember two boys named Richard from this time. One was a teen in Whitby and he'd make grunting noises every night and one night I just yelled shut up! I was 14. He was in my room like a flash screaming at me and he pulled me out of bed by my hair. He tore a handful out and the nurses heard the commontion and came and got him off me. They put the hsndful of hair into a baggie for my adoptive parents. The other Richard i remember was in the etobicoke group home. We ran away together. I had turned 15 in this home. We took the subway to a mall and richard set one of those cardboard lotto ticket displays on fire. I remember getting chased out by security. We wound up calling the group home to come get us.
While I was in the next group home in Newmarket I began running away all the time to live on the street. I was extremely naive and I approached a man on main street and asked if he knew where street kids sleep. He was probably in his 40s bald on top with long hair down the sides. He told me he did and he led me under the bridge by Fairy lake. Suddenly he was behind me grabbing me all over and he kept saying in my ear, dont you want to play? I just kept saying no, no I was in shock. Then it ended as fast as it began he just said he had to work in the morning and he left me there. I walked back to my group home and kept seeing bright colors as I was walking.
I remember I'd run away with a boy named Mike and we'd go to this abandonded building. The local kids told us a guy had hung himself in there but we didnt believe them. The main floor was dirt and then upstairs there was a couch snd old barber chair. The piping had a concave under it in the dirt where apparently they removed the guys body. Mike started hanging off the piping like doing monkey bars and I started jumping up and down in the concave. Then we went upstairs and Mike sat on the couch and i was standing talking to him. Suddenly the room felt cold and we heard banging on the walls around us going bang, bang, bang, then I felt a hand on my shoulder like pressing in. I could feel the fingers but I looked there was nothing there. I felt the hand reach down into me and it felt like it clenched something insude me then i felt something else rise up through me and literally start shoving it up and out. I know this sounds crazy but it was like what I experienced.
I've been really in love only once in my life to a man and he nearly beat me to death. I was 16 and had grown accustomed to living on the street while I was 15 running away from my group home and living in stairwells and under the bridge and abandoned buildings. Or sometimes Id just walk alone all night listening to Green Day. My adoptive parents had bought me all their cds before I got sent to the mental hospital in Whitby at 14 for cutting. My adoptive dad told me at some point while I was 16 that they would move away and I'd never be able to find them, they'd leave the province he said, so i was having trouble in those relationships. I was on and off the psyc ward all the time there was a locked side and an unlocked side that I alternated between.
My favorite patient I met on the ward would play guitar and sing me Beatles songs like Lucy in the Sky, while we sat and smoked ciggs together. Another guy I met there named Daniel who thought he was a wizard introduced me to Andrew McDonald. He was a 25 year old from Kewsick. He was very handsome with big brown eyes and muscular. He was building a shack in the Fairy lake woods in Newmarket using materials he stole from the municipal building being built. I got my stuff from the group home and moved into the shack with him.
I had just thrown myself off the group home 2nd story roof prior to this and been in hospital for a week, I was very mentally ill. I had wanted the attention of a staff named Jim but he was busy with another kid so for some reason I can no longer understand I decided to climb the fire escape stairs and jump. Jim came up after me and said that I'm not going to do it so I ran by him, he tried to grab me but he missed snd I just jumped. I hit the ground hard and then a bunch of kids came outside and were standing around me. The ambulance came and the fire department and they were discussing how how the roof was and the man said he thought about 20 feet. They put me on a board and at the hospital it was found I had fractured the L4 in my timberspine so I was given a walker. I didn't like using the walker so I would just carry it beside me and I made the nurses so mad. One told me I'd be in a wheelchair by the time I was 30 and my adoptive dad said at one point he didn't think I'd live to see 20.
I taped my Korn cut out posters from Hit Parade Magazine onto the wood ceiling. He went to the food bank and loaded the shack with cans of food. He told me we were going to go butt collecting and I had no idea what he meant. Then he took me to the Tannery mall and we collected cigarette butts from the ashtrays and brought them back. We'd walk along the train tracks, hed take his tshirt off and tie it on his head like a bandana. He showed me to remove the tobacco and roll it into a zig zag rolling paper. Daniel had gotten us to watch his dog in the shack and the dog attacked Andrew biting his arm badly. Andrew told me about how when he was in grade school he told the teacher he wanted a chair to do a slam dunk and he took it and hit another kid with it who was bullying him. He got arrested for a warrant and was in jail for about a month during which i lived in the shack alone.
One time we were walking down main street and this huge biker dude came out and grabbed Andrew, pulling him into the tattoo parlor. I went in after him. He punched Andrew in the face very hard and began dragging him to the back room. I leapt onto the biker grabbing onto his shirt and he was so shocked he let go of Andrew who ran out the door. The biker stared at me with blue eyes and told me get out of here or I'll kill you too bi***. So I took Andrew to an abandonded building I knew about I'd been staying in at 15 with other kids. Then in the night I wanted to leave because I kept hearing a male voice saying, hey you, to me while Andrew was sleeping. So we left with Andrew yelling at whatever upset me. We snuck into the basement of a senior home called Marianne house to sleep but got caught by a nun. She said I could stay but Andrew had to go so I said no and we left.
Andrew and I walked to North York and began living on the street there. In winter we lived in bank machine entrances and abandonded houses. In the summer we lived under the train bridge near Yonge and Steeles. The first time Andrew hit me was when we were huffing glue in an alley and I wouldn't share the bag. My head exploded into red and it took me a few moments to figure out he had hit me. We got an apartment from a youth worker in Bradford above the thrift store and he got a job at the lube place. I would ride my bike to bring him his lunch and the other guys would tease him because of the weird stuff I'd bring.
People would call the police up to the apartment because they would hear me screaming from the street he'd beat me so bad. The officer told me during one of those calls that one of these days they'd take me out of there in a body bag. I remember Andrew smashing every dish in the kitchen. He took a stereo apart and cut the cord then separated the wires and plugged it in touching the bare wires to the circuits which made them explode. He showed me to bend a wire coat hanger and put it on the burner to make toast. I recall a nightmare i had where andrew was sitting on a chair and in my dream he told me theres something under the chair and i knelt sown to look and whatever i saw made me scream so loud i woke myself and him up. He thought someone had broke in.
One night Andrew brought home a baggie of coc**** and we walked around all night doing lines. If the baggie ran out he'd get another. He kept talking and talking. We'd climb out the window and sit on the roof and drink at the apartment we had. Some of his friends came over and for some reason he beat this one man named Raymond so severely until the other guys said he'd had enough.
Then we starting living on the street again we took the bus back to north york and we sat in the back and Andrew held my hand. I remember i liked looking at his ring. We made friends with another homeless couple named Brian and Donna and we were living behind an arena all together that was infested with ear wigs. We'd buy bottles of cheap beer like colt 45 or old english and Andrew would always pour a bit out and say, for the boys that don't have. Brian was on odsp and he'd get $500 as a homeless person. He used it to take a cab to his dealer and get cra** which we smoked together under an overpass.
We'd go to the church and get vouchers for a free breakfast at a local diner and I'd go down to the bathroom and wash up. Andrew kept amethyst stones in his duffelbag and when the moon was full he'd put them in the moonlight. They were his favorite thing. I got kicked out of Centerpoint mall for panhandling. I was always panhandling at Finch station. One time I'd gotten alot of change and a man said he'd sell me weed but I was too stupid to know what it looked like so I bought a baggie of bush clippings. Andrew was so mad trying to find him. There was another older man who'd sit in front of the escalator and he was always threatening to kidnap me and so Andrew was always making threatening gestures to him.
One time in the winter I got so sick when we were living in abandonded houses i remember we went to the store to try and get some medicine and i had to go back outside because I was hacking couching so much and the man gave Andrew a bottle of Buckleys and I was drinking big gulps of it trying to get better. The winter was harsh and i developed deep lines in my feet from them always being wet. The street outreach van woupd pull up behind finch station and give out supplies. We'd also go to the out of the cold program and once they wanted to do a survey and we got paid $20 each to be in it.
Andrew would push me around in a shopping cart sometimes and that was my happiest times with him. He loved Irish cream coffee and we'd get them at Finch station. We'd also use the change I collected to buy hot dogs at the hot dog stand. We'd crawl in the clothing bins and throw the bags out to go through and get new jeans. Our favorite thing to wear was black dress pants that were cut off at the knees so the threads were hanging. One time we had just enough change and we got a loaf of bread a pack of bolgona and a bag of onion ring chips and made sandwiches, bologna and onion ring chip sandwiches lol.
The last night I ever saw Andrew was when he got drunk and nearly beat me to death in a park. He was sitting on top of me and just punching me and punching me in the face. He put his hand in my mouth trying to break my jaw. He was really hurting me and I saw in his eyes like he was gone. I heard in my mind the words clearly, Yell at him so I stared yelling at him to get away from me. And he did he got off me and walked away and I got up and ran out of the park. I went behind Centerpoint mall and the security brought me inside. The police took me to the overpass to go down and get my bag and then they took me to my adoptive parents house in Richmond hill. In the morning they called an ambulance because I was crying so much and I got put back in the psyc ward and placed in another group home called Heritage Lodge.
The group home after Andrew was run by a couple who said they are white witches. The group home manager had a white streak in her hair and would try to get me to read the Celestine prophecy and she take me to witchcraft stores and healers. But I wasn't into it. Her name was Julie also so they'd call me Little Julie. They would let me hang out in their personal living space which was against the rules. She took this photo of me sitting in the group home kitchen that is attached to this post.
I started dating a dealer on main street and hanging out at his friend's house getting high all the time. One of the fellow patients in the group home named Henrietta had a favorite chair and I'd sit in it just to make her mad. She come in and look at me and say thats my chair! Then leave in a huff. A man staying in the group home had me be lookout one night while he broke into the kitchen into the meds cupboard. He took all the bottles then we sat in the living room and he kept just giving me pills to take and I'd take them. I was very self destructive. He wound up riding his bike into a parked car after i was told and I don't remember anything after sitting in the chair and swallowing these cocktails of pills but apparently I came to breakfast in the morning and started spreading jam on my arm then face planted on the table.
I started running away from that group home all the time and staying in an abandonded house on mulock drive in Newmarket. Doug, the new bf who had the head injury began staying with me there. We had barricaded the bedroom door shut in the abandonded house with the remains of a french door closet panel. One day i guess someone saw us go in and called the cops and they started kicking the bedroom door in. Our barricade was good though and it took several tries but when they finally did it I yelled Whoo! Like Whoo you did it! But I scared the heck out of them I was lucky they didnt shoot me. We left then for awhile and I went to the coffee shop to bum a cigarette from the smoking section and then sat on top of a green box outside smoking.
I remember drinking vodka straight until I blacked out several times. One time I filled a take out cup with vodka and started drinking until I blacked out in a parking lot. I woke up to a cruiser and I got put in the drunk tank. Doug wanted to hitch hike to tobemory because his parents lived on manitoulin Island and he wanted to visit them so we started out hitchhiking. Doug was violent and he punched me in the head now and then. One time blood gushed from my mouth because he punched me in the side of the nose. We managed to hitchhike to Owen sound.
I remember I won $50 on a Nevada ticket and I used it to buy a pair of orange Modrobes pants that were my favorite. We'd take turns lifting a pant leg hitchhiking just joking around. In Owen sound we were at the soup kitchen and we met a couple named Rose and Julie. They offered to let us stay in their house. So we stayed there awhile. I don't remember much except they had the hellraiser movies I watched on vhs and the lady was really into Alanis morrisette so I listened to her cds.
One time Doug and Julie had gone out fishing and Rose wanted to get some old bottles out if the crawl space under the closet. This was a really really old house and the crawlspace went up to her waist. She lowered herself into it so she was standing inside and we both heard running feet loudly coming from the hole and running up the staircase and all around upstairs. I started yelling at her, get out! Get out! And she did and immediately it stopped. When Julie and Doug got back they didn't believe us.
After awhile staying there we moved on when we were staying in Collingwood we met a lady probably in her 40s and she was really kind. She let us stay with her. But I wound up disclosing to her that Doug was hitting me and she wanted to call the police so we had to leave. Doug was furious at me for telling her. We eventually went made it to tobemory and his sister took us to the ferry to manitoulin Island.
Doug had a nice visit and I git to try their atv but I cranked the throttle and Doug was running after me yelling. On the way back we were hitchhiking through Tiverton area and we got picked up by a guy in his 50s who asked us if we smoke hooch and that meant weed. So we started living in his house and Doug was working in his car lot. This pasted awhile. I had a Playstation at that house and I enjoyed playing racing games. We helped him do roofing on his car lot like replacing shingles.
At one point Doug smashed a lamp all over the pool table in the basement of Toms house and Tom came over when we were out and found it and he left an angry note on the dryer. Doug got mad that he had entered without permission so he called the police. After the officer came and left checking things out Doug went out to the payphone outside and I followed him. He called Tom and said, "Julie called the police I couldn't stop her." This upset me because it was solely his idea to call police and so I went inside the house and locked the front door and I was knelt on the dining room floor throwing my clothes into my backpack because I was going to leave.
Then I heard the sound of him kicking the front door in. Once he was in he came up to me and grabbed me and threw me to the floor. Then he kicked me in the head so hard everything went black for a moment then slowly went red. Then he kicked me again. The third time I finally got the sense to move my head away and he pulled my clothes off and made me sit there naked while he called me down. He told me my mom thinks I'm a pig I remember. He was drinking heavily then he stared scratching his wrist to make it bleed and eventually he passed out drunk. He had hidden my shoes but I found one in the dryer and I don't remember now where other shoe was but I got dressed and went out to payphone and called police. I had two black eyes really bad I do have a photo of it. Then police took him away and I got taken to shelter.
The guy Tom came to shelter to see me and because I literally didn't know anybody else I started staying with him in his car lot and he started making sexual advances at me and took advantage of me. Then my adoptive mom contacted an agency called operation child go home and I got brought back to Richmond hill in a van full of people. I wound up with Doug after meeting up with him again in Newmarket on Eagle St after awhile. I had whats called 'battered womens syndrome' very badly.
I did a pill od and I went to the hospital and told them I was suicidal. They put me in a room by myself that had a couch and I was to wait there to see a psychiatrist but seeing the glass picture on the wall I went over and punched it and I did a number on myself. My wrist and forearm was all black stitched after. Getting stitched up hurt more than doing it. Please if you're reading this don't ever feel like that's the answer. Jesus cares about you He actually does. Doug wound up getting me pregnant. While I was pregnant he shoved my face down into a sofa chair holding my arm up behind my back so it was nearly breaking. I ran out of the place I was like 6 months pregnant and he ran up behind me and shoved me down on the road so hard. Then pulled me back inside by my hair. I saw the ppl who lived above us watching from the window like it was a tv show. We were living in a rough area of Newmarket called the dog patch.
I was then in more shelters because I left him taking the baby with me because he would hold the baby above his head so I couldn't feed it and he was really scaring me. I called the police from the payphone outside the convience store and they took us to Sandgate Women's Shelter and then I was put in Rosalie Hall in Scarborough where they played baby bingo in the basement and I won a stuffed tiger for my baby.
I got emergency housing while in the shelter and it was there in my own apartment with my baby that I started wondering about the truth in life and I gave my life to Jesus after going to a used book store and I found a book called Theres a new world coming. I thought the title sounded interesting and it wound up being a Bible prophecy book that taught me about being born again. (Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 1 Corinthians 5:17)
Now I'm clean and I like to get good news cards to give out to people. This story is missing a tremendous amount of drug use such as abusing gravol pills to get so high I couldn't walk. Like it was real bad the shape I was in. I have a spot on my vein on my hand where the needle tattooed me because it was too hot. It's now a reminder as are these scars of how far I've come thanks to Jesus. I wrote a poem right after receiving Jesus:
BROKEN
I look at my wrists, I see the scars
I search my soul, I know my shame
I've been led by the blind and beaten down by sin
I should have died, but You wouldn't let them win
I see Your hands, the holes in Your palms
I know your glory has overcome all pain
I turn to You Lord, in my broken suffering
A love unimaginable, how can this be
In all my wretchedness, You reached out to save me
A soul so pure, my hero, Your truth
The word of God that whispered to my heart and set me free
As I tripped over trials, in this deathly darkness
I looked for the way
Your light opened my soul and my eyes lit up with hope
You showed me a path that I can now take
Thanks to Your selfless sacrifice
This sheep will never fade away
I toddle like a baby, into Your strong hands
I am Yours, You have made me new again
Paralized with tears, my repentance shakes my being
Then You kiss my tears away and I am no longer unclean
Thank you Father, my cross I'll bear
'Till the day I go home, when You shout from the sky
All Your sheep will run to You with a happy cry
And there I'll be, tucked safely under Your wing
As we fly away, this life will have seemed like a dream
I will never forget how You gave Yourself for me
I love you Lord Jesus
