Puns and other pointless statements
Active
Uh.... "hands"... (sorry, I'm really "technical"-retentive...)
So the chief scribe in the monastary - who was in charge of making the copies of the copies - perchance asked the Abbot one day, "How long since the originals in the crypt were checked against our master copies?"
To which the Abbot said, "That's a very good question, my brother, I shall go check."
Days passed and the Monks became quite worried, but too afraid to enter into the crypt. Finally the chief scribe had no choice but to descend down into the vault where he found the Bishop repeatedly banging his head on the lectern muttering... "It says 'Celebrate'..."
(An oldie but goodie.)
Active
The young man died when he went skydiving without a parachute.
Apparently he did not understand the gravity of the situation
Apparently he did not understand the gravity of the situation
Active
Cool! Eight one legged pirates with one arm each and one eye each....A rarity indeed.
Loyal
The pun is strong with that one, Very very very good.
Active
Oh! Oh! When the chicken crossed the road it was poultry in motion.
Active
Don't get involved with strange religions...practice safe sects
Active
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
Active
Oh yeah! You heard about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Loyal
What’s a cat’s favourite cereal?
Mice Crispies.
What colour do kittens love the most?
Purrple.
What’s it called when all the treats are gone?
A cat-astrophe.
What do cats say before eating a rodent?
"Let us prey."
Why don’t you want to play checkers with a cat?
They tend to be cheetahs.
What was the kitten bowling league called?
“The Alley Cats.”
Why do cats dislike laptops?
Because they don’t have a mouse.
Mice Crispies.
What colour do kittens love the most?
Purrple.
What’s it called when all the treats are gone?
A cat-astrophe.
What do cats say before eating a rodent?
"Let us prey."
Why don’t you want to play checkers with a cat?
They tend to be cheetahs.
What was the kitten bowling league called?
“The Alley Cats.”
Why do cats dislike laptops?
Because they don’t have a mouse.
Active
This came across my desk about twenty years ago...Try it on for size
================
"56 B.C AND ALL THAT"
Richard Lederer
It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the
chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following
history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by
teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade to college
level. Read carefully and you'll see why the U.S. needs more funding
for education. (or something!)
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by
irritation.
Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a
calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts
which hung to the floor.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had three hundred wives and seven
hundred porcupines.
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he
lost all his cattle and all his children and had to live alone with his
wife in the desert.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river
Stynx until he became intolerable
. Achilles appears in the "Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity," in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ullysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets,
the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days ,
and that's the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by
ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today.
Then came the Middle ages, when everyone was middle aged.
King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with
brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women.
King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
And victims of the blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks.
Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
also wrote literature. During this time people put on morality plays
about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures.
Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value
of their human being.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
It was the painter Dontello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the
Renaissance.
The government of England was a limited mockery.
From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult
because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
"hurrah." Then her Navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removeable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historic figure because
he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation
by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the
filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees
his mother.
In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to
kill the King by attacking his manhood.
The clown in "As You Like It" is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote "Donkey Hote."
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
"Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Sante Fe.
Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea.
Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, " a horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. Lincoln said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed
the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltair invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy."
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn,
when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which
he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon.
During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in
their shoes.
Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any
children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral
woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which
ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of theSpecies."
Madman Curie discovered radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by
an anahist ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
================
"56 B.C AND ALL THAT"
Richard Lederer
It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the
chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following
history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by
teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade to college
level. Read carefully and you'll see why the U.S. needs more funding
for education. (or something!)
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by
irritation.
Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a
calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts
which hung to the floor.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had three hundred wives and seven
hundred porcupines.
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he
lost all his cattle and all his children and had to live alone with his
wife in the desert.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river
Stynx until he became intolerable
. Achilles appears in the "Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity," in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ullysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets,
the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days ,
and that's the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by
ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today.
Then came the Middle ages, when everyone was middle aged.
King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with
brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women.
King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
And victims of the blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks.
Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
also wrote literature. During this time people put on morality plays
about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures.
Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value
of their human being.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
It was the painter Dontello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the
Renaissance.
The government of England was a limited mockery.
From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult
because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
"hurrah." Then her Navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removeable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historic figure because
he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation
by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the
filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees
his mother.
In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to
kill the King by attacking his manhood.
The clown in "As You Like It" is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote "Donkey Hote."
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
"Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Sante Fe.
Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea.
Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, " a horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. Lincoln said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed
the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltair invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy."
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn,
when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which
he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon.
During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in
their shoes.
Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any
children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral
woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which
ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of theSpecies."
Madman Curie discovered radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by
an anahist ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
