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In a lot of pain

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Hello, I'm new here.

I've been struggling immensely with multiple mental health issues to the point where I'm dealing with suicidal ideation now.
I don't want to admit that, but I feel I should be honest.

First off I want to say that I have aspergers syndrome and severe OCD. A lot of people think OCD has to do with keeping super organized or being afraid of germs, but no. OCD is a debilitating disorder that takes your worst fear and makes you think that it's true or capable of coming true if you don't do certain compulsions. This disease makes you find any potential holes in your logic that you use to protect yourself and then destroys any reassurance you find. I've had pretty much every OCD theme you can think of. It's pretty much "what if?" anxiety on steroids and compulsions are done to relieve the anxiety that the obsession causes. Of course I have had the classic contamination obsessional theme at one point and I would compulsively wash my hand over and over again, but that was the most easy going out of all of them.

One obsessional theme I had as a small child was what if I love Satan and curse God? I would think about it for hours a day and sometimes actually believed that I had done it even though DESPERATELY did not want to, but it caused the false feeling that I DID want to. I would repeat the same thing in my head or outloud over and over again as a compulsion "in the name of Yeshua I command you to leave".
As a teen I got scared after watching a crime investigation show and the thought "what if I have the potential to hurt people on purpose" this was terrifying because of course I did not want to. The most horrid thing about OCD is that it causes sensations and urges that almost feel real. I'm not going to give a whole run through of every theme, but I'm dealing with one now that has totally destroyed my life. Hocd.
Prior to the age of 11 I was always attracted to boys (I'm female), but then the thought "what if I'm gay" popped into my head and I started to get scared that I was attracted to girls. I completely rejected it and it went away when I was 13 all the while my attraction to boys remained. I'm in my 20s now and I'm in my first long term relationship with a man someone I love to the moon and back. The hocd that haunted me as a child is back again. I'm absolutely terrified. This time around it feels more real then ever. Now quite honestly I'm not sure if I'm gay or if it's just the OCD being really tricky which is possible. The thing is I don't want to be gay. I don't want to be with a woman, but now no matter how hard I try to reject it it comes on stronger than ever.

It's starting to now feel like I want it, which is horrifying to me. I get scared that if I stay with my boyfriend there's the potential that I'm reject my "true self" and that's very scary to me. I used to believe in God, but OCD has completely destroyed any faith that I have. I have no idea what to do because when I've tried to seek God scrupulousity becomes an obsession and I get so overwhelmed that it leads to giant overwhelmed crying fits. It's really hard for me to seek support because everyone is PC and says that you just need to experiment.
That's bull when it comes to ocd, because there are themes that some people with have that if they "experimented" with them they'd be put in jail; people with harm OCD for instance.

Why is this any different?
I want to believe in God, but I can't get rid of my doubt. I'm so tired. In the end I'm not saying that I'm not gay. I'm saying that I don't know if it's that or HOCD.

How do I truly find God?

I'm sorry for being dramatic, but this feels extremely dire to me.

I feel like I'm in a free fall please help.
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I can't stop compulsively showering as a result of these thoughts. I shower sometimes 6 times a day and it's irritating my lungs. I have a constant cough now. I want to stop.
Staff Member

I can't stop compulsively showering as a result of these thoughts. I shower sometimes 6 times a day and it's irritating my lungs. I have a constant cough now. I want to stop.
best thing to do is follow what you want to do regarding this and.... stop.

You CAN do it!
Remember also that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. I know this is true for me as it is also for you.

Bless you ....><>
Staff Member
Greetings @Iwanttobesaved

These powerful compulsions have you in bondage.
You are overcome with doubt and guilt and the uncontrollable thoughts dictate your behaviours.

I understand how debilitating your illness is.

Although you may not be able to stop the thoughts you could forceably change the way you react to them.
Start singing a song of praise or reciting a Bible verse.

2 questions:
Do you have Christian fellowship that is suupotive?
Have you had any therapy such as cognitive behavioural therapy?

Hi Iwant, Wow! I had no idea that OCD could be as debilitating as what you've described, on my poor sister, I'm so so sorry that this seems to have got you in the grip that it has. You really need to crack this, we all in here need to pray for your imminent release, I promise you I will. You need to this for God, yourself, your boyfriend, your family, your friends and all your brothers and sisters in here that are praying for you. We all really desperately want you recovered as soon as possible.

Let me put a couple of things straight. I've read and re-read your post, I've even read between the lines and I'm absolutely sure that -

1) you are saved. During your puberty, early teen years, you gave your heart to God and became a Christian. Quote - One obsessional theme I had as a small child was what if I love Satan and curse God? I would think about it for hours a day and sometimes actually believed that I had done it even though DESPERATELY did not want to. Unquote. If you desperately wanted to love God, that's the hallmark of a Christian,

2) you are not gay. Quote - all the while my attraction to boys remained. I'm in my 20s now and I'm in my first long term relationship with a man someone I love to the moon and back. And Quote - I don't want to be with a woman, Unquote. That makes you the only lesbian I've ever met that doesn't want to be with another woman but does want to be with her boyfriend. Can you see where I'm going with this? You're getting white (normal) thoughts and black (OCD) thoughts that appear real but are not real. In your own mind you need to distinguish these thoughts and archive and move them into the Recycle Bin of your mind and get on with the white thoughts. That is easier said than done when you have mental health problems, and that's where you need help.

a) psychiatric help to guide you through this. I accept you've had a bad experience there. For a doctor to advise you to cheat on your boyfriend, knowing all the hassle and trauma that would cause tells me that he's a quack and needs reporting. But just because you come across one bad apple, it shouldn't put you off apples. Go back to your GP and tell him/her you need a second referral.

b) brothers and sisters. As a matter of top priority find yourself a church where you feel that the people in it are warm and loving towards you. Speak to the minister/pastor/vicar and ask if there are people within the church that live quite close to you and could be there for you, drop in every now and again, support and befriend you? Ask them to bring up your situation regularly at the church prayer meetings.

C) most importantly, God. It's not beneath Satan to use your condition against you, and that's what he's doing here. He's telling you that you have no relationship with God. Well that's testicles (sorry to be crude but I can't think of a nice way of putting it) it is! God doesn't love you, He absolutely adores you, so much so that rescuing you from the clutches of Satan and to reserve you a place in Heaven, at the cost of His own son was for God a price well worth paying. That's how much God loves you. So yes, you do have a relationship with God, He just wants you to archive the false notion that you don't and respond to His many invitations. So all you need to do is break through the glass barrier that's OCD and start a prayerful relationship. Tell God about your situation, ask Him to help you and thank Him for getting you through each day. Then please tell God why you love Him and what a fabulous amazing God He is.

If you need someone to chat to please do IM me and I'll be there for you and get back to you as soon as I can. If you get any thoughts of self harm or suicide, definitely. Sister I love you and I just want you to get on top of this so that you can enjoy an ongoing, amazing life changing experience of God.

Take care and may God bless you.

Love Andy x


Dear Lord God, who would have thought that the OCD condition that my poor lovely sister Iwant is suffering with could be so debilitating and life sapping? The answer is, you God. You know her, her every thought and emotion and the daily trauma that she's suffering. She doesn't know it but you are there, with her, looking after her, loving her like you do with us all, you're that big dear God.

Jesus told us, blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Poor Iwant is so poor in spirit, she so needs that extra blessing and so we ask for a double helping of your Holy Spirit God, give her healing of her tormented mind God, give her control over her thoughts so that she can bin the unhealthy and direct the healthy thoughts towards you God.

Please God, please, heal that relationship with you. Give her the confidence to reach out to you even during her darkest moments. Give her the faith and knowledge that you God are so much bigger than her problems, and that you are the source of the solution that will make her better.

Please guide her in finding the church that you want her to go to, give her the confidence to open up and share her situation with them and give the church the wisdom to give her the best help that they can.

We want to see our sister happy, worshiping you and proclaiming your miracle in her life as soon as possible. Please Lord, please, as soon as possible.

Good morning Iwant,

Just as promised I've been praying for you, praying that God will start that healing process. How are things progressing? Is there any progress in your ability to distinguish between the normal thoughts and OCD thoughts and process them differently? If the honest answer's no, please say so, it'll need more prayer. Most importantly, how are you feeling in yourself? You're going to have good days but hopefully the overriding trend is towards good.

Can I remind you to start looking for a supportive church. Check out a few church websites but I suppose it can be a bit misleading in that a good website doesn't necessarily mean a good church, and the reverse is true, but it's a start. How about putting together a list and you and your boyfriend start trying them out. When I was looking for a church I visited maybe a dozen or so with a tick list. The one we ended up at didn't have a website and didn't tick half my boxes but it just felt so right; we love the place.

Have you booked an appointment to see your doctor? Tell him you need a therapist that knows what he's talking about with OCD, and you don't want to be told to experiment with your OCD thoughts. You and I both agree that that was so much rubbish, the guy clearly didn't have an understanding.

Please, please take really good care of yourself. Keep on praying to God as often as you can, telling Him in general conversation rather than carefully crafted formal prayer, tell Him how you're feeling and ask, ask, ask for Him to help and heal you. Please also try to extend your circle of Christian friends, which is where the church comes in.

Looking forward to hearing from you regularly so we can all keep praying for you and thanking our God for the healing and and answers to our prayers. I love you sister and I want you better ASAP!

God bless you, bless you, our dear lovely sister,

Love Andy x


Dear Lord God, I need not remind you about the plight of our dearest sister Iwant because you God are already there with her, protecting, helping and most of all loving her. We thank you for her lovely sweet boyfriend who's been so supportive in what I'm sure has been a difficult time for him.

We pray God that your Spirit will lead her towards help, church, therapeutic and friends. Thank you God for your tender care and love of her and I pray your Spirit will lift her, so that OCD no longer defines her but instead is a part of her history and testimony of how good and amazing that you have been in her life.

We really really love you God.




Hi I want to be saved, do you mean saved from yourself, your life.
You know that you can have a new life through Jesus Christ.
So that said what are YOU going to do about it.
You must sacrifice your old life, to receive a new one.

I agree with the posts that you have already received, but I am some what
more forth coming.
Tell me this is anybody hitting you over the head with a hammer, or physicaly
hurting you, if the answer is no, then the problem is within your OWN mind.

Scripture tells us all to resists the devil and he will flee from you.
Let's analyse the devil, HE IS A BIG FAT LIER, so as scripture says,
resist the lies of the devil when they come into your mind.
(Lies don't exist in reality, because they are simply a lie).
Take on board within your life that lies don't exist.

There is always a catalyst in ones life as in mine and others, that starts
unusual behaviour, Jesus saved me from mine and I'm sure others.
The main one is FEAR if I don't do what my mind say I may die,
or other things might happen to me,
You MUST take His on board, these suggestions of repatriation of washing etc.
Every day you must fight for your sanity, when these lying thoughts come
in your mind, say to yourself they are a lie and don't do them.
God says if you do this they will flee, you must keep fighting, maybe
all your life till Jesus comes fully into your life setting you free, possibly
to help other in the same situation as He did for me.

With Love, Wnl
Iwanttobesaved, I believe you can continue to pray to Jesus to deliver you from your OCD. It does not matter how long it will take, just keep praying with persistence about your OCD until you get delivered completely. Also make repentance part of your prayers and hold onto the promise that God will forgive you when you want to forsake any sin in your life.
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