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I'm very wicked

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I love Jesus, I want to give Him everything. I want Him to be my all. My heart cries out for Him. I don't want to disappoint Him. Yet, there is another side to me...

I am so wicked, I don't know what to do (except go to God). But I can't keep doing this, it's killing me in the inside. I keep telling this to God, I pray for me to beat my flesh. I'm having a horrible battle between flesh and spirit. I keep spiraling out of control, I do well and then satan creeps in.

It makes me so sick I just want to vomit. I question if I can say I love God and if I want Him because I keep choosing myself. How can I forsake my first love? Sin never makes me happy! I never learn though. It calls to me, perhaps I ignore it for a time, but sin creeps back in.
Romans 7:14-25 describes how I feel perfectly. I cannot lie... I know fully what I do.
I don't get it, before I sin the pull is so powerful. I numb myself, I ignore reason.

Afterwards/in the middle I just break down and scream in my heart "Jesus no, save me."

I don't expect to have a perfect life, I want to take up my cross. Yet, I also do not. When I realized this the first time I felt so ashamed. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to pray that God would give me a new heart--to take my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh.

I'm so afraid of sinning again. I don't want to disappoint God, I don't want to make Him sad. I don't want to run away from Him. Easy right? Just don't! Well, I tell myself this, but it isn't working.

I have times that I feel God, He certainly has never left me. But He feels so quiet and distant.

What is this battle I'm fighting? Lots of things, but mainly sexual sin. I can give a back story, but it doesn't matter. Jesus gave me everything and I spit in His face. He took off my chains and pulled me out of the darkness, but I walk into the darkness and put on my chains. Then I scream, "help me, help me!"


I find it so difficult to pray lately. I can do general things, but I really yearn to just be with God. I want to spend time with Him, but I don't. I feel every fiber of my being going against that. Sure, I pray daily, but it's very brief. I've tried just sitting/laying and praying but I literally fall asleep (even when I get up and do jumping jacks or slap myself to wake up it happens pretty soon after).

It's one thing when someone sinned. God forgives. But what about for the Christian who actively sins? I have felt God's love, I have a relationship with Him. I know He forgives... but am I lying to myself? Yes, Christians sin, but what about for Christians who actively sin?

I feel as if I am too dirty for God to remain in me. Has the Holy Spirit left me?

Prayers? Suggestions?
 
Member
Here is something I wrote the describes how I feel even better:
My soul finds no rest. It wanders looking to be filled. It fools itself in thinking maybe today is the day. It crys out help me help me, if only I could change the past, but does the same thing before the leaf hits the ground. Oh wicked soul! Oh wicked flesh! You look to be fed constantly, why do you delight only in yourself? My soul finds no rest because it refuses to. Oh wretched flesh away with you. You have no place here. How I delight in the evil, how it feels so pleasant...but how it leaves me so empty, it comes in the night before even knowing it, killing and destroying all in it's path. I lay in disillusion by my own sinfulness, disgusted by who I am. Oh Jesus how I yearn to be with You. How I yearn to be a child you call after your own heart. Oh Jesus how I yearn to tell the days when I chose you instead of this wretched flesh. One day it will happen, but as I sit now I have nothing to do but mourn this wretchedness. I was not stolen from Jesus, but I walked on my own accord. I willfully and knowingly left my first love. How I yearn for my First Love, for the times when He used to be my only, when He quieted me with His perfect love. Now I only feel the darkness and utter void, your remenant in the background. Who leaves the good bridegroom for the evil and abusive bridegroom? Oh God I will praise you even though I am drowning, you will deliver me, I will fly into your arms. You will quiet me with your love, and this time will pass. I may be drowning now, but you tell the waters to be still. When I cry out in fear from drowning your hand will pull me up.


I am the worst one out there. Though I can see, I walk as if I were blind. Oh wretched soul, at least the blind do it when they cannot see, but you who can see clearly walk to your death.
 
Active
Hi LaurLaur,

Just read your post and I have to say I can relate to a lot of what you say. You read the gospels and Acts and see how wonderful our Lord is and the Apostles, and you think to yourself, why can't I be like that?

From what you've written I'm wondering if you're trying too hard to be perfect, just like Jesus? Well, I'm sorry to say, it's not going to happen, well not while you're down here anyway. You're going to slip up, maybe big time. When you do, Satan jumps in there and tells you, 'What a lousy imitation of a Christian you are. You are a letdown to God and your so-called faith.' If you listen to that you're going to get very depressed, Satan likes depression. If rather you block him out and instead listen to the Holy Spirit He'll tell you: 'I know you're really sorry and so God forgives you. Let's do better next time by ....'. Talk to God, one to one, ask for His strength to overcome temptation. Ask Him to lead you in the paths of righteousness.

If you listen to TV evangelists they'll give you a list of the rules: you do this / you don't that. You don't do this / you do do that. To me that's totally the wrong approach altogether, they can sound a bit like the Pharisees of Matthew 23:23. You can't possibly impersonate Jesus or hope to be as good and as sinless as Him. There's lots of passages in the epistles that tell you that, such as 1 John 1:5-8 . If we truly love God we WANT to be like Him, we WANT to please Him and we WANT to make Him proud of us. It's not easy, but then that's why you need a bit of help from God - the Holy Spirit; but you have to ask.

Yes, every now and again you'll mess up, but take it to God, ask His forgiveness and ask Him to give you the strength and ability to overcome your moments of weakness.

Can I recommend a really good read? CS Lewis's Screwtape Letters. It's a lighthearted look at Satan's job of undermining the conversion and faith of a guy that's seeking out God. It's very funny and an easy read.

================================================

Dear Lord God, Can I please ask you to send your Holy Spirit to fill poor LaurLaur and give him/her wisdom, strength and resolve to follow you and fulfil your purpose in his/her life? Please give LaurLaur the peace, comfort and joy that we get when we're in close communion with you. Most of all give him/her the wisdom to distinguish your loving calling from the verbal diarrhoea that Satan gives all, about how you've fallen out with us because we're such lousy Christians. How much further from the truth can you get?

Dear God, please bless LaurLaur, guide and protect him/her and nurture his/her love for you by constant revelation of yourself. We know that the more we know you, the more we love you.

Amen.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
Greetings @Laurlaur99

You are not alone in feeling this way Laurlaur

One of satan's key tricks is to show seeds of doubt and confusion.

Yet as Christians we don't need to rely on what we feel.
We need to trust in the redeeming blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.

If you are caught up in sin.....then as member Andyindauk said in his post.......


Talk to God, one to one, ask for His strength to overcome temptation. Ask Him to lead you in the paths of righteousness.
And focus on the Lord and His unfailing promises:

Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon Thee because he trusteth in Thee
Isaiah 26:3

Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,
To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.

Jude vs 24-25
 
Member
Here is something I wrote the describes how I feel even better:
My soul finds no rest. It wanders looking to be filled. It fools itself in thinking maybe today is the day. It crys out help me help me, if only I could change the past, but does the same thing before the leaf hits the ground. Oh wicked soul! Oh wicked flesh! You look to be fed constantly, why do you delight only in yourself? My soul finds no rest because it refuses to. Oh wretched flesh away with you. You have no place here. How I delight in the evil, how it feels so pleasant...but how it leaves me so empty, it comes in the night before even knowing it, killing and destroying all in it's path. I lay in disillusion by my own sinfulness, disgusted by who I am. Oh Jesus how I yearn to be with You. How I yearn to be a child you call after your own heart. Oh Jesus how I yearn to tell the days when I chose you instead of this wretched flesh. One day it will happen, but as I sit now I have nothing to do but mourn this wretchedness. I was not stolen from Jesus, but I walked on my own accord. I willfully and knowingly left my first love. How I yearn for my First Love, for the times when He used to be my only, when He quieted me with His perfect love. Now I only feel the darkness and utter void, your remenant in the background. Who leaves the good bridegroom for the evil and abusive bridegroom? Oh God I will praise you even though I am drowning, you will deliver me, I will fly into your arms. You will quiet me with your love, and this time will pass. I may be drowning now, but you tell the waters to be still. When I cry out in fear from drowning your hand will pull me up.


I am the worst one out there. Though I can see, I walk as if I were blind. Oh wretched soul, at least the blind do it when they cannot see, but you who can see clearly walk to your death.
Hi SISTER, just Confess each one (100 times) with closed eyes, Jesus Loves Me, he died for me, I am too crucified with him(my eys on the cross, my flesh, my hands, i am dead unto sin) on the cross to die for sin and live for His Righteousness.
 
Member
One must face the reality of ones own sinfulness. We are measured up against Gods perfect Word and are found wanting. Jesus is the Word (John 1:1-5). It is like looking into a mirror only you see how sinful you are and then you realise you need a saviour. Jesus is that Saviour. The perfect for the imperfect. Andyindauk above has given you some good counseling take it to heart. Read the following scriptures asking God to lead you through it by His Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3, Hebrews 4:12, Hebrews 5:12-14, Isaiah 58, John 14-16, Proverbs 1-8. Once saved the Holy Spirit sanctifies with the Word of God. As we were once in darkness and blind ... we are now in the light and so we must walk as children of the light read Ephesians. Walking in the darkness you will stumble but walking in the light you will see those things that cause you to stumble and you move aaway from them. Read Psalm 119 too and pray that the Lord give you a heart after His law.
 
Member
I wanted to say thank you to all of the wonderful posts, I really appreciate them.

From what you've written I'm wondering if you're trying too hard to be perfect, just like Jesus? Well, I'm sorry to say, it's not going to happen, well not while you're down here anyway. You're going to slip up, maybe big time. When you do, Satan jumps in there and tells you, 'What a lousy imitation of a Christian you are. You are a letdown to God and your so-called faith.' If you listen to that you're going to get very depressed, Satan likes depression. If rather you block him out and instead listen to the Holy Spirit He'll tell you: 'I know you're really sorry and so God forgives you. Let's do better next time by ....'. Talk to God, one to one, ask for His strength to overcome temptation. Ask Him to lead you in the paths of righteousness.

If you listen to TV evangelists they'll give you a list of the rules: you do this / you don't that. You don't do this / you do do that. To me that's totally the wrong approach altogether, they can sound a bit like the Pharisees of Matthew 23:23. You can't possibly impersonate Jesus or hope to be as good and as sinless as Him. There's lots of passages in the epistles that tell you that, such as 1 John 1:5-8 . If we truly love God we WANT to be like Him, we WANT to please Him and we WANT to make Him proud of us. It's not easy, but then that's why you need a bit of help from God - the Holy Spirit; but you have to ask.
You're exactly right. I have felt God talking to me basically saying that it has always been this way! I knew that I was sinful before, but the battle between flesh and spirit just seems so strong right now. Nonetheless, I have always been a wretched sinner and it's true-- I will never be perfect. It's not about me, and it never has been. That's why we have Jesus! We are blind, I'm blind! But our God opens the eyes of the blind. We are sick, I'm sick. But our God heals the sick. He is the light and brings life to the dead (both literally and figuratively). If I focus on me, or look just at me it does seem hopeless. That's because it is! Thankfully, it isn't about me and it isn't up to me. My God died for me, He raises us from the dead, He leaves the 99 to go after the one. It is finished and I have a treasure that can never be taken away from -- I am a heir, a chosen child of God. Never will He leave me, never will He forsake me.

Even though I know this and God is speaking to me about it, sometimes it still is just so hard. I can think one thing, but feel another (I know it isn't good to live based on our feelings and at the end of the day, I have hope and know God loves me). In this season of my life my constant prayer is telling Him to take it all (including me -- I am His) and that I can't do it without Him (nor want to). I know He listens, I know He is here, I know He hasn't and won't abandon me. I trust Him, that this desire He has put into my heart to love Him with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind will happen. That I will be a woman after His own heart and walk in constant communion with Him. Waiting is just so hard sometimes! I tell Him that, but sometimes it seems unbearable.

Thank you for recommending me something from CS Lewis, I will definitely check it out during my Winter break.

Again, thank you to all who commented and for those who prayed for me. It is very appreciated :)
I knew the answer before and I know it now, only Jesus. No matter how long it takes, I will keep running back to my Jesus. Here I am Lord, take me completely as I am.
 
Active
I wanted to say thank you to all of the wonderful posts, I really appreciate them.



You're exactly right. I have felt God talking to me basically saying that it has always been this way! I knew that I was sinful before, but the battle between flesh and spirit just seems so strong right now. Nonetheless, I have always been a wretched sinner and it's true-- I will never be perfect. It's not about me, and it never has been. That's why we have Jesus! We are blind, I'm blind! But our God opens the eyes of the blind. We are sick, I'm sick. But our God heals the sick. He is the light and brings life to the dead (both literally and figuratively). If I focus on me, or look just at me it does seem hopeless. That's because it is! Thankfully, it isn't about me and it isn't up to me. My God died for me, He raises us from the dead, He leaves the 99 to go after the one. It is finished and I have a treasure that can never be taken away from -- I am a heir, a chosen child of God. Never will He leave me, never will He forsake me.

Even though I know this and God is speaking to me about it, sometimes it still is just so hard. I can think one thing, but feel another (I know it isn't good to live based on our feelings and at the end of the day, I have hope and know God loves me). In this season of my life my constant prayer is telling Him to take it all (including me -- I am His) and that I can't do it without Him (nor want to). I know He listens, I know He is here, I know He hasn't and won't abandon me. I trust Him, that this desire He has put into my heart to love Him with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind will happen. That I will be a woman after His own heart and walk in constant communion with Him. Waiting is just so hard sometimes! I tell Him that, but sometimes it seems unbearable.

Thank you for recommending me something from CS Lewis, I will definitely check it out during my Winter break.

Again, thank you to all who commented and for those who prayed for me. It is very appreciated :)
I knew the answer before and I know it now, only Jesus. No matter how long it takes, I will keep running back to my Jesus. Here I am Lord, take me completely as I am.
Hi LaurLaur,

Just wondering how you're getting along and especially with regards to your faith? Do you feel any more relaxed and comfortable in your faith?

I really hope that that peace that Jesus promised us all starts to happen for you.

Do let us know things are for you and if they are heading in the right or wrong direction. Meanwhile I'll continue to pray for you.

All the best,



Andy
 
Active
LaurLaur, you must continue the wrestling against the flesh until it is conquered by the Spirit. This is the race and battle set before all Christians.

Resolve in your mind to never stop praying to Jesus for the Spirit of God to mortify the deeds of the flesh and to overcome sin. Don’t give in and say it’s alright, just keep praying until you overcome. You overcome by the Spirit of God not by your own strength.
 
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