Biblical Dating
OK. Let's take care of some basic definitions. We may define biblical dating as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:

1. That begins (maybe) with the man approaching and going through the woman's father or family;
2. that is conducted under the authority of the woman's father or family or church; and
3. that always has marriage (or at least a determination regarding marriage to a specific person) as its direct goal.

The Scriptural support for the idea of biblical dating is largely by example and implication. We will look at a number of passages over the course of our discussions that support various aspects of biblical dating, but for the moment, let me just give you some references to study:

• I Corinthians 6:9-7:19 (command to be pure, seriousness of sexual sin and instructions regarding marriage)
• I Thessalonians 4:1-8 (do not wrong or defraud one another in relationships — by implying a relationship or commitment by your words or conduct that does not actually exist)
• Song of Solomon 2:7 ("do not awaken love before it pleases" — i.e. before the proper time, meaning marriage)
• Proverbs 6:20-7:27 (warning to avoid sexual sin and foolish relationships)
• James 1:13-15 (temptation is from Satan and to be taken very seriously)
• Romans 13:8-14 (love others, work for their soul's good; don't look to please self)
• Romans 14:1-15:7 (favor others, not self ... value what's good to their souls)
• I Timothy 5:1-2 (treat single women as sisters in Christ, with absolute purity)
• Titus 2:1-8 (young men and women should focus on self-control/godliness)
• John 14:15 (if you love Christ, you will obey His commands — read: above your own desires — and live biblically)

Again, we'll talk more about these and other passages as we deal with specific questions.

Modern Dating
We may basically define modern dating as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:

1. that begins with either the man or the woman initiating with the other;
2. that is conducted outside the formal oversight or authority of either person's family or church; and
3. that may or may not have marriage as its goal and is often purely "recreational" or "educational."

Now, the biblical support for the modern approach to dating ... (insert crickets, tumbleweeds, person whistling here).... That was it. There isn't any. The very idea of extended romantic or sexual involvement outside of marriage doesn't even appear in Scripture unless it is described as illicit (sinful). Furthermore, it doesn't even appear in any society, western or otherwise, in any systematic way until the 20th century! While the principles supporting biblical dating have their beginnings with the very structure of the family, modern dating has its origins with the sexual revolution of the 1960s. It is brand new, and yet, seemingly, it is all we know.

Differences Between Modern Dating and Biblical Dating
So what's the real difference? Here are some fundamentals:
Modern dating philosophy assumes that there will be several intimate romantic relationships in a person's life before marriage. In fact, it advocates "playing the field" in order to determine "what one wants" in a mate. Biblical dating has as its goal to be emotionally and physically intimate with only one member of the opposite sex ... your spouse.

Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (no differences between men and women in spiritual or emotional "wiring" or God-given roles). Biblical dating tends to be complimentarian (God has created men and women differently and has ordained each of these spiritual equals to play different and valuable roles in the church and in the family).

Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical dating tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well.

Modern dating tends to assume that you need to get to know a person more deeply than anyone else in the world to figure out whether you should be with him or her. The biblical approach suggests that real commitment to the other person should precede such a high level of intimacy.

Modern dating tends to assume that a good relationship will "meet all my needs and desires," and a bad one won't — it's essentially a self-centered approach. Biblical dating approaches relationships from a completely different perspective — one of ministry and service and bringing glory to God.

Modern dating tends to assume that there will be a high level of emotional involvement in a dating relationship, and some level of physical involvement as well. Biblical dating assumes NO physical intimacy, and more limited emotional intimacy outside of marriage.

Modern Dating assumes that what I do and who I date as an adult is entirely up to me and is private (my family or the church has no formal or practical authority). Biblical dating assumes a context of spiritual accountability, as is true in every other area of the Christian life.

Basically, we can make three general statements about modern dating vs. biblical dating in terms of their respective philosophies:

1. Modern dating seems to be about "finding" the right person for me (as my friend Michael Lawrence has written on this site); biblical dating is more about "being" the right person to serve my future spouse's needs and be a God-glorifying husband or wife.
2. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical dating, commitment precedes intimacy.
3. The modern dating approach tells us that the way to figure out whether I want to marry someone is to act like we are married. If we like it, we make it official. If we don't, then we go through something emotionally — and probably physically — like a divorce. In biblical dating, Scripture guides us as to how to find a mate and marry, and the Bible teaches, among other things, that we should act in such a way so as not to imply a marriage-level commitment until that commitment exists before the Lord.

That's it. That's a basic framework for biblical dating as best I can discern it from the principles of God's word. Now, you're on. No question is too broad or too specific, too theoretical, too theological, or too practical. Agree with what I've said, or challenge it. This is how iron sharpens iron.
Just remember one thing: we're in this together — for His Glory.

Article By: Biblical Dating: An Introduction

This is a quite tricky thing you have here Chad. There are pros and cons to both sides. One thing we have to remeber about biblical dating is that the bible itself and biblical dating is based on alot of the culture of that time period. Woman were not equal to men in most peoples eyes of that day(socially). That pretty much wraps up all the reasons why there was no private dating or things like that. But my point is, if you take out the culture part of biblical dating and keep the good morals, you have it perfect. Pretty much like taking the best of modern dating and biblical dating and put it together. Being arranged a partner by your parents or church is silly! Why would they have any say on your relationship with another? It should be all up to God. He will tell you if someone is right or not for you. The physicall part is also tricky. How far can you go and such. Some people say kissing is bad before marriage. But then how does holding hands or hugging compare? It is probaly all up to the intention behind the action but this is also up to you and God. As long as lust is not in it you SHOULD be find, but dont take my words for definite. Having alone time with this partner is essential. How can you possibly know if this person is right for you if you dont get the time to really know them(this can be hard if there is no alone time, for spending time in groups can be difficult).

So all in all, there is Good in both methods. But its all up to you and your own opinion.

Thank you Chad for posting this. It's certainly made interesting reading, and does put relationships into a new perspective.

Whereas I don't think I'd want my parents to arrange a marriage for me as in the Biblical sense, I do listen to them, and would never involve myself with someone they disapproved of, and I would hope that having learnt from them, I could choose someone they would approve of. I respect their views and opinions.

Modern dating is a terribly scary prospect, even more so in America I think, than Britain, and having made the decision that any relationship I enter into now, will be a Christian one, I think any man I meet will have to be a Christian, or willing to think about becoming one, to understand the importance of it. It's hard, but that's the way it's going to be. And from reading all of the above article, it is sensible. If people had stuck to the principles of relationships, I don't think our Western societies would be in the situation that we are today.

I found this article very interesting. What I would find more interesting is how is one supposed to follow this "way of dating" when you are older and find yourself single? No parents to consult. Not only that if you are older you will have found yourself in the dating scene, you are probably either are widowed or divorced.( Not getting into the rightness or the wrongness of divorce here), What is an older person to do, who wants to follow godly ways of dating?

Hi,

Asking permission from the bride's father is no longer a necessity but a courtessy. Saying this I wouldn't mind my mother being asked permission but my Father well, that's a whole other thread!

Generally, I think the same guidelines should apply to older people as younger, I'm sure it used to be the case even then. The best course is that commitment should preceed intimacy and getting know your partner first, their character, their hopes and their dreams will ultimately be of use in deciding whether you are compatible as a couple or should just stay friends, before you embark on taking it a step further and going into a relationship. When you are older though you have probably sussed this one out for yourself by then!

I feel there is more pressure on young people to enter into sexual relationships too soon. I feel sorry for the young girls out there who are under so much pressure from the media and their boyfriends. Sex images are everywhere you look, even film ratings have changed to my horror!!! :omg:

When my daughter was 11 years old she came home from school one day and told me the other kids had been logging on-line to a porn site during their computer class (she goes to a mixed school). With sexual desire and conquest almost animal/preditory like, young girls, especially ones with low self esteem, don't have much of a chance.

I do believe that people should be equally yoked but what if one become a Christian after a civil marraige and the other one doesn't? :icon_question: All I can think to do is pray, pray and pray again!!!

God Bless

Eve

thanx brother Chad for the Post God Bless You

awwwwwwwe wonderful post

i was so blessed to read your post. i don't think it is addressed enough. Personally i find myself almost afraid of dating, because of my experiences before i got born again. But i also know God is preparing a Godly man for me, and one that will seek biblical guidelines in dating. Not to mention the fact that i believe God is strengthening the fruit of the Spirit in my life....

God bless you....

Very nice to see people blessed by this article I found. We need to be careful nowadays. Sex is everywhere and its easy to get caught up in the 'world'. If anyone is interested in online Christian dating sites, I highly recommend eharmony.com. It is not cheap, but there unique one-of-a-kind matching system is well done and really unbeatable. No other matching site has such a system. The rest are just the same, pick n' choose style.

God bless

This is so helpful. I just recently went through a break up. Although I think its more of just a break (many reasons for the break up, mostly my fault). Anyway I've been using this time to build my faith and fix all my mistakes in the relationship and I found a few things on here that really helped me.

Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical dating tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well.
This was one of the greatest problems in our relationship; I never wanted to be with anyone but him and he got annoyed with never being able to be with his friends. So that's one of the biggest things I've been working on- selfishness.

Modern dating seems to be about "finding" the right person for me (as my friend Michael Lawrence has written on this site); biblical dating is more about "being" the right person to serve my future spouse's needs and be a God-glorifying husband or wife.
This I completely agree with. I was never "looking", my bf was just brought into my life. And I don't believe in "falling" in love, I think its a choice. So instead of trying to find someone to compliment me, I'm choosing to be the one to love my bf.

Anyway thanks for this, it's really helped, and hopefully this break will be over soon so we can really work on bringing God into our relationship.