Over the past few months I feel like I have been losing my faith. It all started when I was feeling really down one day and I prayed really hard for God to give me peace. Well, I have never felt the presence of the Holy Spirit as strongly as I did that day. I actually heard God speak to me and comfort me and tell me that tomorrow is a new day. He told me he's always by my side as my friend, I should never feel alone, and I should stop being so scared of everything and that tomorrow I should wake up and have a new attitude with the knowledge that he's with me. I have never felt so at peace, loved, strong in my faith, strong as a person, or close to God as I did then.
I woke up the next morning, vowing to do what God told me to do. I woke up feeling great, with the attitude that I wasn't going to be afraid any more because He was with me and I was going to be a great witness for Him and my life was going to be different. Well, Satan had other plans for me.
Ever since that morning, the harder I try to get closer to God, the harder the devil has been pulling me away. I feel as if I am being tortured on a daily basis. He has been confusing the Word when I read it, he has been twisting my mind when I pray. He has been filling me with doubt, guilt, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, self-loathing, horrible thoughts of me being worthless in God's eyes, thoughts of me not being saved any more because I'm not good enough and I haven't done enough to deserve to be saved so why should I even bother any more. I have been having thoughts of hate for other people that are not my thoughts. I have been having thoughts of suicide that are not my own. (Last week, I even contemplated killing myself with pills.) Whenever I try to pray, I get these thoughts that my prayers are worthless because there is no God anyway. I get thoughts that I would be better off as an atheist because my life would be easier (which is ridiculous). I can't even describe how hopeless I feel and I just wish every day to die so I can go be with my Savior. I wish to die before Satan totally takes my faith away from me.
I'm fighting with every ounce of strength I have but I feel so very, very alone. I feel that God is so very, very far away. I have no one to talk to about this. My ENTIRE family (except for me and my daughter) are either atheists, "cultural Catholics", new age agnostics, or somewhere in between. Even my husband is having doubts between Islam and Christianity. Even when I went to church and was going to go to the prayer team to have them pray for me, something held me back, like everyone there was looking at me and judging me and thinking badly of me and I just wanted to run away and go home. I feel I don't even have God any more. I have nobody. I know he didn't abandon me. I know in my heart he's there but satan is making me feel like He's not.
The thing is, I KNOW these thoughts are not my own. I KNOW they are all lies and I keep telling myself that and praying to God to help me but they just won't GO AWAY. Reading the Word isn't helping at all. In fact, it's making me feel worse because it makes me feel that I'm not living up to God's expectations. It has been giving me absolutely no comfort. Praying isn't helping at all either.
I'm just a big mess all the way around; Spiritually, emotionally, physically (I'm pregnant and feel horrible), and mentally. I desperately need all the prayers I can get before I lose my mind.
I'm also feeling horrible about myself because I cannot help my family either. They are all so lost. Nothing I say will convince them. I felt worthless when my faith was strong; now that feeling has quadrupled.
Please help me. I don't know what to do any more. I want my baby to be born into a loving, stable environment.