Member
When I was a little girl growing up, my family was Anglican, we belonged to the Anglican church in our town, went to church every Sunday... I was christened, I had my confirmation later in my childhood... and then I fell away from the church as I got older... just... I don't know.. as a teenager it seemed like there was always something else happening on Sunday.. and my family was not really devout overall.. it was just the thing you did, going to church you know?
Then later in life I met my husband, he is Catholic, but not really a "practicing" catholic, but I wanted to share his faith, and I felt it would be right for us to be married in a church...so I went through the conversion process, went to classes, bible studies, during which I was recruited for the church choir.. I became m ore involved in the church and ... interested in it but truthfully... I still somehow felt like I was going through the motions.. it was like belonging to a club... it was something I did because it was there to do... and I made friends, close friends whom I spent time with at the church and church functions.
After a while though, going to church became more and more difficult to do, everything seemed so ... artificial.. so... going through the motions... every Sunday it was all about the ritual of it, kneel, stand, recite the right words at the right time, go get communion, sing the hymns, shake hands and chat afterwards... it felt more and more empty... and somehow fake... and I found myself becoming frustrated as I started to ask myself where is the god here? Where is the lord here? What is the faith here? What is the point? Why don't I FEEL anything???
So I left, quit going, lost contact with my friends from the church. Its been years since i stepped foot in one. From time to time I think about God, about faith and religion. I read about the growing atheist movement and wonder briefly if I even believe in god but then I can't reconcile the perfection of things in creation with a random event and so I find that I believe there MUST be something, someone who's hand created this perfection. But I don't FEEL it... at least I don't think I do... I WANT to... badly, gosh I can't even begin to say how badly I do.
Early this morning my Uncle died, someone I was very close to, someone who has had a hard life, and for whom death was not painless, but instead the vicious agony of a cancer that wracked his body and literally ate him alive until he was nothing more than skin stretched over bone...and I have found myself asking all day... where was god then? why would he let a man who has been so pure in his heart, who has been so selfless and caring his whole life, who would do anything for anyone, even a complete stranger, who would never ask for anything for himself but instead seek to give and give and give to others... why would he let him suffer like that?
I want so desperately to feel the peace that I read from people in youtube comments on the spiritual songs I've been listening to... I want so badly to understand why this happened and to not be angry, and confused and upset. I want to FEEL god and his love and the peace and certainty that comes with it and I don't know where to go or who to ask or what to do. I feel SO lost and I just with that please, could someone PLEASE just help me.
Then later in life I met my husband, he is Catholic, but not really a "practicing" catholic, but I wanted to share his faith, and I felt it would be right for us to be married in a church...so I went through the conversion process, went to classes, bible studies, during which I was recruited for the church choir.. I became m ore involved in the church and ... interested in it but truthfully... I still somehow felt like I was going through the motions.. it was like belonging to a club... it was something I did because it was there to do... and I made friends, close friends whom I spent time with at the church and church functions.
After a while though, going to church became more and more difficult to do, everything seemed so ... artificial.. so... going through the motions... every Sunday it was all about the ritual of it, kneel, stand, recite the right words at the right time, go get communion, sing the hymns, shake hands and chat afterwards... it felt more and more empty... and somehow fake... and I found myself becoming frustrated as I started to ask myself where is the god here? Where is the lord here? What is the faith here? What is the point? Why don't I FEEL anything???
So I left, quit going, lost contact with my friends from the church. Its been years since i stepped foot in one. From time to time I think about God, about faith and religion. I read about the growing atheist movement and wonder briefly if I even believe in god but then I can't reconcile the perfection of things in creation with a random event and so I find that I believe there MUST be something, someone who's hand created this perfection. But I don't FEEL it... at least I don't think I do... I WANT to... badly, gosh I can't even begin to say how badly I do.
Early this morning my Uncle died, someone I was very close to, someone who has had a hard life, and for whom death was not painless, but instead the vicious agony of a cancer that wracked his body and literally ate him alive until he was nothing more than skin stretched over bone...and I have found myself asking all day... where was god then? why would he let a man who has been so pure in his heart, who has been so selfless and caring his whole life, who would do anything for anyone, even a complete stranger, who would never ask for anything for himself but instead seek to give and give and give to others... why would he let him suffer like that?
I want so desperately to feel the peace that I read from people in youtube comments on the spiritual songs I've been listening to... I want so badly to understand why this happened and to not be angry, and confused and upset. I want to FEEL god and his love and the peace and certainty that comes with it and I don't know where to go or who to ask or what to do. I feel SO lost and I just with that please, could someone PLEASE just help me.
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