Originally Posted by Amarie

Now, I have tried the things in this article, but they don’t work, he breaks them down every time. Example: I don’t like my neck touched, I have told him this over and over, but he will continually put his hands on my neck and he says woman love their neck touched, so I should love it as well. I told him I have tried to do the things in the article, and his response was I can’t take my eye of him to understand how to change myself.
Thanks,

Amarie

First, this article has nothing what so ever to do with God or His mind OR what HE wants in a person’s life.

And second, it is written like a true victim who has decided to now be the oppressor in harming others. Nothing learned only continued.

As far as the statement : “No one is waiting to help you – do not be fooled by any being making such promises.” This is riddled with lies with a smidgen of truth. No one CAN help you unless you are WILLING for help. Then there can and IS growth and healing.

Finding the balance is not found ‘within’ anyone but IN Christ. The statement : “Some people create others to give them pain, sometimes physical, sometimes emotional, sometimes both.” is only an excuse for the oppressor to refuse responsibility for their own actions, words and reactions by placing blame on their victims.

The abuser has it in writing that they are free to blame their victim. It’s a wonder oppressors, predators, offenders, control freaks ever get the notion to heal and correct their horrendous behavior with things like this for them to use for their gain and ignorance.

Reading through Janet and Stewart Swerdlow’s sight, I found nothing what so ever that pertained to God’s mercy, grace, forgiveness and healing power. In fact, this sight is the farthest thing from God’s word that you can get. With comments like:

“Janet’s Reply: All people who participated in the WTC event had to have something in his/her mind-pattern to allow this situation to occur.”

And :

“Janet’s Reply: We write about “victims” because this is our audience. They want to know how to remove the victim-mentality so that they do not attract oppressors.
Most people do not think of children as victims, but each person here upon this Earth is attracted to EArth for a reason privy only unto the soul-personality. Just as Stewart and I can perhaps help mitigate our readers’ plights by sharing our own struggles, sometimes we, as a species, can mitigate the struggles of the more “helpless,” and sometimes we cannot. Each person receives what he/she needs.
As you learn to objectively observe and access the Oversoul level, then you have greater understanding of why the pain and suffering is allowed. It is not up to us to judge it as “good” or “bad”, only to observe and understand it.”
[Victims Mentality | Expansions.com ]

I think you get the drift. “MOST people do not think of CHILDREN as VICTIMS!?!?!” Total rubbish. I can see where an abuser feels they can gain lots of control with these tidbits of advice that takes away their responsibility and places it directly on their victim. Trouble is, THEY still have NO control until THEY change THEIR OWN behavior.

Your husband is correct on a little aspect when you state : “…..his response was I can’t take my eye off him to understand how to change myself.” It’s true, course then when you are being pummeled into the ground it’s a bit hard TO take your eyes off such a monster. When you are being told you are nothing, it’s a bit hard to even hear anything that says you don’t deserve such treatment.

Though I don’t advise divorce, I, if it were me still in this situation, I would suggest separation for a time. This way he might be able to work on himself to make corrections since, I assume, he claims to be a Christian with the statement “….. God is trying to teach us a lesson”. Chances are high that he was abused as a child/teen and has now become the abuser in order to appear in control. He just doesn’t understand yet that abusing others shows he is OUT of control not IN control. Something he will have to see for himself, no one can do that for him.

If by chance he goes straight for a divorce when or if you separate, that is up to him, he is free to go. That doesn't mean you can stop praying for him to see God's truth or to wish him well. You can continue with this, even if he chooses to never return.

Unfortunately he doesn’t yet understand that stopping the abuse all together to anyone and everyone INCLUDING his WIFE……. PROVES control rather than lack thereof. Once he sees this, there will be change as he repents of his horrendous behavior and turns from it to become more Christ-like. Just as unfortunate is that he may continue to see you as the problem that “makes” him do as he does.

The trouble with this behavior is that is proves weakness. To blame someone for one’s own actions renders the blamer helpless to control ANYTHING, rendering them weakened, not empowered. Most who blame everyone for what they do, cringe at the thought of being considered weak, but it’s true.

You are not off the hook either as a victim. You CAN become a survivor. What has happened is a part of who you are today but it doesn’t have to control you so much that you continue attracting abusers. Facing it all head on, walking through it all with Christ, and then learning to fully forgive each offender, predator, abuser and praying for their salvation will help tremendously to open your eyes to Christ, a strong relationship with Him and knowing what He has for you.

Forgiving these people does NOT mean what they did to you means nothing or doesn’t count for anything, because it is unspeakable acts against you. What forgiveness is for, is for you to heal…… it does nothing for the offender. (Unless, of course, they come to you in sorrow begging forgiveness and more times than not……. They won’t. )

Forgiveness brings YOU into obedience with God, and also places what the abuser did to you DIRECTLY in front of God to deal with. You no longer have to. The offender will then be faced with God’s retaliation, mercy, grace or forgiveness depending on repentance or rejection.

Originally Posted by Amarie

SpiritLedEd,

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I am not sure that heading to the crisis center and filing for divorce is the step I need to rush into at this point. However, talking to a Christian Counselor from the Church would be a good place to start. My husbands physical hurt are things that no one will see on the outside, such as pulling of the hair, grabbing the back of my neck hard and pushing my head down, taking my arm while laying in bed and pulling it back harshly and holding it there, poking my side, etc. When we were first together, he held a pillow over my face hands on my throat choking me and stated *I want to breath life into you as God does*. I know these show no physical sign of abuse, but I have to question if it is abuse anymore, because I talked to him about it yesterday. He stated that if I told anyone those things they would laugh and think I was being ridiculous. I have never been one to express my feelings, but rather anesthetize myself, so I can't feel the pain which has led to cutting or burning to release the pain. I don't blame him for this, as I was already a cutter before I met him. I love this man with every ounce of life in me, and I want to exhaust every avenue before I give up. He does have many good qualities in him, but it is so hard to stay focused on those when your in a whirlwind of hurt. There is so much to say and explain, so as we go along I will share more details, and maybe through this I will learn through peoples opinions and Gods help to be able to feel emotions and through faith conquer the negative things my husband does and one day we can look back on this and say we overcame so much with Gods help. However, only time and prayer will see were this path leads either in a divorce or Gods will to see that my husband wake up and see what he is doing is not of God.

Amarie

Many abusers DO have good qualities, however, these, for the most part, go unseen because of the abuse the victim suffers.

The statement he makes : “He stated that if I told anyone those things they would laugh and think I was being ridiculous.” is just a manipulative ploy of his to keep his abuse secret. His hope is that you won’t tell anyone so he can continue. I can’t think of anyone who would laugh, unless of course, you go straight to another abuser much like your husband.

The cutting and burning is another form of addiction so that the REAL pain can’t be felt or faced. It seems a bit easier to feel the pain of cutting or burning rather than to have to deal with the pain inflicted by someone who is SUPPOSE to only love you, which includes those in your past while you were growing up. The ‘protectors’ who were not there or not available.

You haven’t mentioned if you two have children or not? Should the abuse continue with children, there will be a continued cycle for the next generation unless THEY decide to stop it.

Though I believe it is best to get TRUE Christian’s help in this area of counseling, I would be careful not to go to the one who believes Proverbs 23:13-15 gives the sanction to beat a child or anyone within an inch of their life. Not all that says “Christian” is a true follower of Christ. I also believe God will be leading in the way you should be going.

There are also others out there willing to help, and though they don’t have a church or religious affiliation, there are believers here also.

RAINN.org at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

Also The National Domestic Violence Hotline
online at Help in Your Area « National Domestic Violence Hotline
or their 800 number 1800-799-SAFE (7233)

I hope this helps, and I also pray your husband gets the help he so desperately needs.

Originally Posted by sharen

If you think another 'christian' won't destroy your life because they believe in God, you're wrong. Very, very wrong.

Depends on if it is one that 'professes' Christ or one who 'possesses" Christ. Big difference.

Originally Posted by healinhandsman

SpiritLedEd, if you knew the whole story brother you would not say such things. I do not believe this is a crisis issue as I have not physically harmed her since I laid my hands on her neck 4 years ago. "Touching" her neck passionately is different than choking her yet I agree that's a boundary she does not want passed through and so I have been working though that childish urge to get on her nerves by "touching" her neck with 1 or 2 fingers.

You must understand, this post was written after an argument we had over her still having a victims mentality and not seeking help to fix it or even trying to fix it with the Lords help. So this post is nothing but brute emotions and nothing else. I will admit to my faults when we were first together, yet if you knew us and were around us on a daily basis, you would not give such a hasty reply to this post. My childish picking at her needs to stop and maybe some separation for a few years would help, I pray for this every day, maybe you should pm her and ask her why I feel she has a victims mentality and why she pulls the abuser card every single argument we have bvefore passing JUDGEMENT on someone else without having the whole story

to kim,


I agree, leave, go find a crisis center and talk to a CHRISTIAN Psychologist, I challenge you to do that. I am fed up with the victims mentality that comes from your mind and honestly I want you to get out, I want the separation, I do not need this in my Christian walk. God forbid we tell the truth here, lets tell little white lies and not tell the whole story here so you can feel sympathy from these people here. Victims mentality........this post proves my theory.......I may be wrong for posting this here but honestly im so frustrated right now and prayer has not been helping.

I dunno, like I said, im done, your free to go, I wish you the best for you and your life and I genuinely pray that your walk with God grows to an overflowing cup of blessings and wisdom in our Heavenly Father.

I disagree, I think this is just the right place to post this. You state that ‘prayer has not been helping’. These three sites below that are from here on Talk Jesus are about prayer. If I were you I would also get as far away from sites like the one on Victims mentality by Janet and her hubby Stew. There is nothing there pertaining to God’s way of dealing with people or correctly with one’s self.

Someone once said (not sure who) You can not change what you do not acknowledge.

Acknowledging that you hurt someone physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually does bring about change if the person is willing to work at it.

Most times, I’ve found in the abusers I’ve talked with that there was abuse in their lives to where some had no clue what they said or did caused pain to even those they claimed to love the most. This was mainly because they had refused to recognize the pain they suffered at the hands of others.

In facing their own pain, sorrow, and even sometimes missed childhood, they were then able to see what their own actions were doing to others. This might be your case as well? Some questions to ask yourself anyway. Not to gain excuses for your actions, words and reactions but to accept what you could not control then and NOW make changes in your own life for the better.

Getting your own heart right with God, admitting your faults and asking Him for forgiveness will begin to open your eyes. There may also be people in your past whom you may need to forgive and pray for in order to be in obedience to God’s will and His plan for your life. Staying in His word and praying for understanding will bring a peace you never knew before.

Just some things to start thinking about……. If you are willing to change and keep your marriage together. IT won’t be easy, but God never promised easy either.

Unanswered Prayers: The Most Common Reasons Why

Unanswered Prayer: Why?

Answered Prayer

Amarie, Actually we have the same situation. The difference only is that your husband is more brutal than mine as I've read your testimonies. I am also a battered wife and I do understand being in that kind of situation where we, women, are degraded by our rights. Many times I have tried to seek help from my relatives and they would always suggest that we must part ways. Yet all this time, I am sticking to our marriage because of our children and I think also because of my love for him. However, in your case I can see that it's not you who has the problem or the marriage itself, it's your husband who is having the major problem of himself. Your husband needs psychiatric help. With regards to you and your children (if you have), I suggest that you stay miles away from him temporarily for both of you to find your own selves. If you already have children, the MUST that you separate from him at the moment. Don't ever let your children see what their father is doing to their mother. it will cause a trauma and would affect their way of living as they grow up.
Think about it Amarie.. The decision is yours to make.

It takes a lot for a male to admit they are wrong. In marriage if it is all one way then it is of two things. 1) A domineering partner, or 2) The partner has forfeited their equal say and is co-dependent.

If my wife were to tell me I was hurting her in some way I would go all out to change my behaviour and rectify the problem permanently. Being male does not give you the right to do what you want. If you believe that, then you are sadly mistaken.

[1 Cor 13:11] When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.

Many victims of abuse have a sixth sense when their personal space is being invaded. Don’t deny your gut feelings. Speaking up is of vital importance. It makes you a stronger person and gives you back dignity. If you are denied that right then see #1 of first sentence. If you don’t speak up see #2 of first sentence.

I would encourage all victims of abuse to Speak Up. Oppressors want you to be quiet to keep control. Trust that God will be right next to you as you do. Jesus is our role model, He spoke up against His oppressors and gave us the right to do so ourselves. [Phil 4:6] Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. [7] Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

[Mat 6:33] But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you .

You will find peace in your suffering. You are no longer a victim in Christ Jesus. [Rom 8:37] No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us.[38] For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers,[39] nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

That includes you too. :-)