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  1. #1
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    Funny Church Bulletins

    Church Ladies With Typewriters

    They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:



    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
    --------------------------


    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
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    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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    Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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    Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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    Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    --------------------------


    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

  2. #2
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    They made me smile Chad

    Thank you
    I live yet not I, but Christ liveth in me
    Galatians 2:20

  3. #3
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    way too funny .....people say and print the darndest things

  4. #4
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    Are there any more, I enjoyed those.

  5. #5
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    Originally Posted by DHC View Post
    Are there any more, I enjoyed those.
    I saw these today......


    This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

    Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

    Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
    Last edited by Fragrant Grace; 02-27-13 at 06:48 AM. Reason: spacing
    I live yet not I, but Christ liveth in me
    Galatians 2:20

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  7. #6
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    I once heard the pastor ask why the choir master refers to the the choir as a prison choir ..she said because thier behind a few bars and always looking for a key...!

  8. #7
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    A church is a place to be very quite.
    A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"


    After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up.""Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."


    A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.
    One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."

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  10. #8
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    "Relate Much" :D

  11. #9
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    ROFL! Some very good ones!
    ♥~Romans 8:37-39~♥

  12. #10
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    Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

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